Funny / Evolution (2001)

• "There's always time for lubricant!"
• "IT'S IN MY AAAAAASSS!!!!"
• From the same scene:
  Ira: Cut him open, let's get this thing!
  Harry: Cut me open?! There goes your Christmas gift, Judas!
  Dr. Paulson: We might have to amputate. (grabs a surgical saw)
  Harry: Whoa, Doc! Don't take the leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg.
  Ira: Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
  Nurse Tate: Doctor, look!
  Dr. Paulson: It's headed for his testicles!
  (Beat)
  Harry: Take it! Take it!! TAKE THE LEG!!
  Nurse Tate Wait, wait, wait! It's going the other way.
  Dr. Paulson: Alright, give me some forceps. I might be able to catch it in his colon!
  Nurse Tate: How are you going in?
  Dr. Paulson: Rectally.
  Harry: (Squealing) Noooooooooo!!!!

• Alison: Can we get you anything? Do you need anything?
  Harry: Ice cream... I'd like an ice cream, please.
  Alison: Yeah? What flavour?
  Harry: It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.
• Harry's reaction to the field of dead alien birds... and Ira's reaction to Harry's reaction...
  Harry: GREAT GOOGLE-MOOGLE!
  Ira: (Looks at Harry with a bemused look)
• This scene, full stop. Somehow, the comic timing between Stifler, Dr. Lee and Agent Mulder melds into something unearthly yet full of lulz. The fact that Harry is almost completely and utterly deadpan throughout just sells it.
  Wayne: (steps up to microphone) Ka-kaw. Ka-kaw? Ka-kaaaw! Ah-ah-ee-ee-tookie-tookie-tookie-tookie-ka-kaw-ka-kaw-kaw-kaw!
  Harry: Wayne, I think we've established that "Ka-Kaw Ka-Kaw" and "Tookie-Tookie" don't work.
  Wayne: (sheepish) Right. Sorry.
  (After a short while, he starts singing into the mic)
  Wayne: (singing) You are so beautiful, to meeee... (Ira and Harry stare at him in utter disbelief )
  [Beat]
  Ira: Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him.
  Harry: No, stand down! I'm gonna kill this one myself.
  Wayne: Give me a chance, I'm communicating here. (continues singing) You are so beautiful, to meeee...
  Harry: Wayne, would you please stop, because you are embarrassing me.
  Wayne: (starts singing louder and directly to Harry) CAN'T YOU SEEEE-EEEEE! You're everyth...
  • Best part? It works.
  Harry: [upon hearing that his singing is working] Yeah, sing, sing! Rub some funk on it!
  • Even better even better. After killing the alien, the movie cuts to Harry, Ira and Wayne having an absolute party in their car singing along to "Play that Funky Music", CLEARLY high off their asses on the adrenaline.
• Ira's "fruit basket" for General Woodman.^note It gets better when you realize that wasn't scripted. After a long day's shoot, everybody was punchy and irritable, and Duchovny did it as a goof. When Reitman asked if it was for the film or just "for the troops," Duchovny decided to Throw It In!
• Harry holding the bottle of Head and Shoulders shampoo backwards during the commercial at the end.
• {After the dragon alien barfs up its eggsac}
  Harry: Mazel tov, it's a boy!
• Harry, upon seeing the "dog" alien dead: "That dog is all ass."
• The entire sequence at the end, especially Harry getting sucked into the giant alien's ass.
  Ira: GIMME BACK MY FRIEND, YOU BIG SPHINCTER!
  Harry: IT'S HOR-R-R-RIBLE IN HERE!
  • Not to mention when Ira finally pries him out;
  Harry: Don't you EVER tell anyone where I've been!
• Ira: If I was a giant nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be?
  Harry: Lingerie.
  Ira: Not you, the bird.
  Harry: ...Lingerie!
• Deke and Danny's hilariously bad science papers:
  Ira: Last night as I was grading papers, I came across two gems both entitled "Cells are Bad" and both with just one paragraph which I unfortunately committed to memory: "Cells are bad. My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve and he has to read the same boring old magazine everyday. The end."
• The General explains how to kill the alien.
  General Woodman: With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm.
• Ira and Allison sneak out of the awards ceremony.
  Allison: Your big moment, huh? You wouldn't want to miss this for anything.
  Beat, Ira looks at her, the two back away from the line quietly
  • Then the governor notices they're missing.
  Governor: And finally, Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed, whose tireless efforts and research and academic findings led to the- [notices they're missing] [looks to Harry]
  Harry: I think he's giving her a bit of the Kane madness.
  Governor: [Beat] Oh.
• It's VERY blink or you'll miss it, but when Harry introduces himself to the General, the General mistakenly calls him "Mr. Black" and Harry corrects him that his last name is Block, the General apologizes, and then Harry gives Ira this incredible "are you fucking serious" look.
• Pretty much the entire sequence of them re-claiming a sample from the crash site, but especially Harry teasing Ira about his attraction to Allison, and the line that's a minor Memetic Mutation and Trope Namer:
  Ira: (referring to one of the crab-like aliens) Go ahead, snag one.
  Harry: "Snag one?!" I've seen this movie before; the Black Dude Dies First. YOU snag it.