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Funny: Don Rickles
From his book, Rickles' Letters, which is a collection of imaginary correspondences to a variety of historical and contemporary figures, from Mary Todd Lincoln and Ben Franklin to Santa Claus. Among the "letters" he wrote:

  • From the desk of Don Rickles:
    Hi gang,
    Just when I was ready to tear up my high school library card, here I am trying to write a new book.
    Unlike my first one, Rickles' Book, this one isn't fact. On the other hand, I wouldn't exactly call it fiction. Truth is, I don't know what to call it. So I'm calling it Rickles' Letters. Okay, so I haven't mailed any of 'em — go tell it to the FBI.
    They're just crazy letters that let me express myself. After all, I'm an artist.
    Besides, I'm in my eighties, so what can they do to me? Take away my milk and cookies?
    What else do I have to do except write letters? How many Indian casinos can you play in one year? How many Dodgers games can one man watch?
    I gotta entertain myself and, in the process, I hope to entertain you. Example: I enjoy writing kidnap letters to myself, then letting the cops figure out who's missing.
    I want to reach out and write to my close friends — as in the ones who send me a card every New Year's to see if I'm still alive. I also want to reach people who aren't so crazy about me — as in the ones who've seen my act and didn't bother to applaud.
    I want to get more involved in American history. Like, "Dear Mrs. Lincoln, Sorry the show at Ford's Theatre didn't go well last night. But could you get me a couple of aisle seats for the Saturday matinee?"
    I want to write to a lot of the stars I've known over the years, so they won't forget how I contributed to their success, and ask them to leave me something before they die — like their estates.
  • Letter to Kirk Douglas:
    "You know the thing I remember about you the most, Kirk? When you stood on a rock on the beach in Malibu and asked me what I thought of your great body. That's when I realized: You thought you really were Spartacus.
    To be honest, you just looked like a guy in a really tight bathing suit. But then you started shouting, "Follow me men! The ships are coming!"
    That's when I thought you were losing it."
  • Letter to Michael Douglas:
    "Everyone in LA wishes you would come back - there hasn't been a good cop show in years, and somebody needs to go out to the beach and tell your dad he's not Spartacus."
  • Letter to Clint Eastwood:
    "I know you have a big following and a lot on your plate, but I'm sure you remember me. It's Rickles from Kelly's Heroes. A hundred years ago? Yuogoslavia? Remember the laughs with Telly Savalas, Caroll O'Connor, and Donald Sutherland who, by the way, doesn't remember being there?"
    "Look at you today: a man with a little age, but still a big star. How many guys could do a movie about Iwo Jima from the Japanese point of view? For a while there, I thought you were going to let them win!"
  • Letter to Jackie Collins:
    "You're a great novelist - telling stories of people in bed, out of bed, working on going to bed, under the bed, and in the bathroom, humming."
    "But Jackie, as far as these combinations go in the real world: Should a gardener really take a shot at the lady of the house while she's watering the roses? Am I to believe that a hooker can fall in love with a vice cop, run off to the porno festival in Vegas, and wind up with a multi-picture contract?"
    "Jackie, Jackie - take it easy. Forget the books. Clean the house. Take a trip to Africa. Get to know the natives."
  • Letter to Dr. Phil:
    "Watched the show the other day, and boy was I impressed. For a simple guy (and I mean that with all due respect) you sure know everything about everything."
    "I love the part where you take some poor dazed guy staring off into space and tell him you can make him normal. That's your genius, Doc. 'cause you and I both know he's never gonna get better."
    "How do you find all these sick people?"
Richard PryorFunny/Recorded and Stand-Up ComedyChristopher Titus

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