Funny / Christopher Titus

  • Almost all of Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, wherein Titus describes his early life, most of which was terrible.
    • "We had everything in my family! Prescription drug abuse. Mental illness. One of my uncles is a Mormon."
    • Falling into a bonfire, which convinced him to stop drinking.
      Titus: Then I see my hands inside this burning ember, and I exclaim... "AAAAAAAHHHH!"
    • They were also burning a telephone pole. He didn't know where they got a telephone pole, but it's pretty high up there on the "drunken theft" scale.
  • The story of how Titus videotaped the news report of his father stopping at a drunk driving point while the news team was on location live for a Memorial Day traffic report and used it to humiliate his father whenever he got drunk and humiliated him during family get-togethers (which, considering Papa Titus, was often).
    • Even better, it was his brother who screamed for a tape to record the event. Titus quickly noticed nobody's first reaction in the room was concern.
  • A lot of his setups tend to be subverted right at the last second.
    Titus: (referring to when he and his first girlfriend — the Jewish girl who kept punching him in the face — moved to a beach house) Once the geography changed? My God. It was a fucking nightmare!

    Titus: (referring to when he and Erin first broke up over infidelity) And I read her beautiful words and... I started to realize... I owned her ass.
  • Describing the first time he challenged his dad to a fist fight:
    Titus: Yeah, 'cause fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting Dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi! You've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"
    • "I thought my dad was lazy. Turns out he was just resting."
  • When Titus was trying to perform a brake job on his car while living with his dad, the jack slipped, and he only just out from under the car before it slammed all 2,000 pounds of force onto the driveway. Ken, thinking Titus was still under the car, ran out to see if he was ok.
    Titus: (thinking "I should probably tell him I'm ok; no, wait, wait, wait...") Daaaad... oh God, get it off me.
    Ken: (pops a beer) You ain't dead; get it off yourself.
  • When talking about his dad's... unconventional home medicine practices:
    Titus: When I got sick, when I was a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100-proof whiskey. Never got sick... (worriedly)... that I can remember...
    • As well as Anti-Dad! The most negative superhero on the planet!
  • Titus meeting Bruce Springsteen, and his constant confusion at who the "Bruce" various people refer to is.
    Titus: [at several points in the story] Bruce who? Because there's no way he's talking about that guy! And now, she's laughing, and I'm not laughing.
  • His bit from "Angry Pursuit of Happiness" on gun control and "Arm the Children," but one part in particular:
    Titus: Yeah! Don't just quote the sexy amendments! [beat] Two words that have never been put together ever.
  • Mentioning that everyone had that one relative that you'd get a call from the cops about at 6 in the morning. "Bet it's not your mom..." And Titus is not a morning person.
    Titus: (long sequence of annoyed/sleepy/cranky grunts, groans, coughs and snorts) ...hello?
    Voice on the other end: Hi, Mr. Titus; this is Ira Stephenson.
    Titus: ...and?
    Ira: Well, sir, I'm your mother's lawyer.
    Titus: ...and?
    Ira: Well, sir, your mom's in prison.
    Titus: AAAAAAAAND?!
    Ira: Well, sir, she's killed her husband.
    Titus: ...oh. Okay, that's a new one.
  • In his Fifth Annual End of the World Tour:
    • After calling out a woman for being a 'shaker' (someone who laughs without making any noise, just moving), he goes on with his gig until...
    • His pedophile crucifixion bit, particularly...
      Father Crucifier: SHUT UUUP! TAKE IT LIKE A MAN! Oh, no, I'm sorry, Gregory. I know that's what he said to ya', don't cry!
      Audience: Ohhhh!
      Father: Don't go 'oh'ing me! Look behind me, I'm handlin' it.
    • Towards the end, Titus talks about his father dying shortly after his wife told him she was pregnant, and sounds almost in tears when he yells out, almost seeming like a posthumous Calling the Old Man Out.
    Titus: What else you stuff up my ass my whole life? Step up, or step aside, isn't that right? Step up, or step aside, and what happened? World's coming apart, I got two little kids, and you're not here! You stepped aside! That means I gotta step...up. [beat] Ooooooh. Funny, asshole.
  • His special "Love is Evol," which is all about how Crazy Makes You Crazy, had a few really good moments.
    • "Oh no, we're totally cool now. He stopped using the aluminum bat on me. I hated that noise. Ting, ting, ting, ting."
    • "I filed for divorce on June 6th, '06. (audience groans) 6-6-6! Yeah, which, coincidentally, turned my ex into a fire-breathing demon from the bowels of Satan's anus... but for legal reasons, I have to call her "Kate."
    • Titus' reaction to hearing his father's story of how Titus was conceived: note  "Wow... (twitches slightly) That's just like the story of Christmas."
    • When he gives his list of what men secretly haaaaate about women. In order: how emotional women are ("I guarantee you, I have never had a conversation with another man that went like this: 'Hey dude, where do you want to go for lunch?' 'I AM NOT MY MOTHER!'"), having to meet their family (complete with an explanation of the "Douchebag Test"), and — above all else — capri pants.
      • Meeting the family deserves to be elaborated upon, because of the family member that's just a little too close, which is especially creepy when it's Grandma, complete with threats to drug you, put you in a ditch, then pour lye on your unconscious body.
    • And, when talking about his new relationship - "That's not the worst part."
  • In 5th Annual End of the World Tour, Titus mentions doing a comedy tour in Iraq for the troops and meeting a badly injured and blinded soldier named Sgt. Pepper. Despite being in a wheelchair and blind in both eyes from combat injuries, Sgt. Pepper told Titus that his show rocked and it was an honor to have him there. It's heartwarming that Titus is so touched that he's essentially left speechless...and then one of the soldiers nearby helps it boomerang back into funny by asking Sgt. Pepper if he wants to get a picture with Titus.
    Sgt. Pepper: [points at his eyes] Who the fuck's the picture for? [Titus falls over laughing]
  • During the first part of Neverlution when he names off all the bad events that happened between 2001 and 2011 (9/11, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, Hurricane Katrina, George W. Bush's election and re-election, the BP oil spill, "talentless sluts" like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Kim Kardashian becoming popular, Haiti's earthquake, Osama bin Laden finally getting caught — at the cost of two lengthy wars, a high body count of soldiers, and an extremely high deficit, and Toyota recalling faulty cars) while imitating a recovering addict who realized what happened in ten years and became violently ill over it.
    • Also from Neverlution: Calling out Lady Gaga as a sign that mediocrity is being seen as excellence (and the reason why real music is dead in 2011), describing her as a "midget Madonna mini-me," proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett, and his lines that she doesn't have the right to call herself "not accepted" when she gets a billion hits on YouTube, nor is she an artist because she can turn a live chimpanzee into a bra.
  • Late in Voice In My Head, Titus recalls having wrecked a Dodge Viper by rolling it at 130 mph on a racetrack. The entire story can make you crack a rib, but when the car finally comes to a stop, and the instructor comes slowly through the dust to say "That's not how you do it."
    Titus: Oookay. [Inner Retard Voice] Yeah, where were you 400 yards ago? The emergency brake is right there! I believe our instructor needs an instructor!
  • Near the end of Love is Evol, Titus explains how Rachel (his new girlfriend, now wife) has no diplomacy.
    Titus: If she was negotiating for the US, we would be nuked by Canada.
  • In Voice in My Head, Titus details a story about his friend, comic Mike Aronin, who has cerebral palsy. While going out to breakfast, the waitress asked Titus what Mike was ordering, assuming Mike could not do it himself because of his CP appearance. Titus thought Mike would defend himself, but instead, he saw "Satan in his eyes". Mike spent the next ninety minutes "destroying this girl's psyche" by "turning up the disability 3000%", making her life hell knocking over dishes and glasses, dropping forks, making crude remarks, purposefully in an exaggerated disabled manner. As Titus collapsed laughing outside after the ordeal:
    Chris: Dude, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
    Mike ("dead serious"): That bitch deserved it.