Funny / Desperate Housewives

  • In Episode 3 of the first season, "Pretty Little Picture," Bree is hosting a dinner party during a period when she and Rex have been arguing. It is initially awkward, so Mike and Susan help break the tension by recounting the already pretty funny sequence of events that led to him discovering her locked out of the house naked earlier in the episode. The rest of the couples get going with embarassing facts or stories about their partners to lift everyone spirits and just when you think it's working Bree matter-of-factly gives her contribution: "Rex cries after he ejaculates." The characters on screen are now awkward again but for the viewer at home this just became instantly hilarious.
  • "Gabby, you gotta help me out, they think I'm some kind of serial gay basher!" "well... ya kind of are."
  • The gentlemanly, reserved, Stiff Upper Lip Orson loudly declaring himself a sex machine while pumping his fists and doing pelvic thrusts over breakfast.
  • Another hilarious Orson moment while he and Bree were staying at Susan's during some home renovation. Orson's guilt over having run over Mike the previous season is causing him to sleepwalk...naked. Susan finds him doing so out in their front she slaps him awake. Once he realizes what is happening, he bolts out... to the wrong house, only to come back when Susan points it out.
  • In season two, after convincing her priest that a nun and her husband were having an affair, Gabby gets the nun transferred; Gabby is then confronted by said nun. This leads to an extended cat fight the church.
  • "I have a homographic memory" "Time of gay... *looks at watch*"
  • When Lynette accidentally eats a weed brownie and attempts to play charades while stoned - she has to describe "Hang 'Em High". To indicate the word hang she mimes hanging herself as tastelessly as possible, then begins to point at Edie, who just had a rather humiliating public suicide attempt. Tom eventually gets it, causing Lynette to celebrate while everyone else stands there horrified.
  • In season 6, after the plane crash, Orson decides to take revenge on Bree since he's in a wheelchair now. So he stops bathing for a whole week. Finally, Bree snaps.
    Bree: The door stays open.
    Orson: I want it closed.
    Bree: No. You. Stink.
    Orson: And you're a whore! Here's the difference: I can get clean.
    • An exhausted Bree then carries him to the garden and washes him with the hose.
  • Susan and Gabby have a talk about how Gabby's daughter is a bit chubby, which former model Gabby doesn't like.
    Gabrielle: Are you saying my daughter is fat for her age?
    Susan: She's fat for your age.
  • Susan is talking to Gabby about how she thinks that she slept with Lee, though she doesn't say who it is. Lee's husband, Bob, comes over, asking where Lee had been the night before. Gabby puts two and two together and drops her glass and tries to hide her laughter. Then the kicker, causing Gabby to about die of laughter.
    Bob: When Lee gets a few drinks in him, he'll bang anything with a pulse and facial hair.
  • Lynette pretends to be a teenage girl online to keep an eye on who one of her twins is chatting with. Her son proceeds to fall in love with this persona, and when Tom finds out: "Could you let him know before he kills me and blinds himself?"
  • Lynette starts to storm upstairs after Tom says she's "banned" from the opening of his pizzeria.
    Tom: So...we're not having sex?
    Lynette: Hey, you banned me from your opening!
  • From a scene where Bree and Orson are trying to find a house for Orson's mom.
    Bree: We can't let her live there! There are crack heads and prostitutes.
    Orson: And we'll apologize to them later; right now we need to get her out of our house.
  • The look on Mike's face when he gets hit on by a Hollywood Pudgy Teri Hatcher.
  • Carlos explaining to Juanita (his daughter) about what happened to Juanita (his mother). Little Juanita winds up thinking that Bree killed their grandmother. The Solis girl's subsequent reactions for the rest of the episode are hysterical, but special mention goes to Celia's expression when Juanita tells her 'Bree killed Grandma'.
  • Susan discovering MJ isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Particularly when she and Mike watch him struggle to get his hand out of a jar for a good 30 seconds before finally figuring it out, only for their relief to be short-lived, as Susan quickly notices;
    Susan: Oh no, he's got a knife and he's heading to the toaster!
  • The episode with the working mother at Lynette's office who still breast-feeds her five year old culminates in Lynette playing drug dealer with chocolate milk as the drug.
  • Susan trying to tell her mailman she's not interested in him: "Tuesday is no good! Tuesday is the day I... become a lesbian!"
  • In the series finale when the girls are headed to Renee's wedding and Renee is bossing them around:
    Gabby: Ok, you know what Renee? I know this is your day, but it's only 10:00 and you're already a huge pain in the ass!
    Renee: Well then I'm running late. I should have been a huge pain in the ass by 9:00!