Funny / Bill Hicks

  • Whenever the pop stars of his time come into the question (Rick Astley, George Michael, Debbie Gibson, Vanilla Ice in later years), he gets almost lovably sadistic.
    Bill: I finally got my own TV show coming out as a replacement show this fall. It's not a talk show. Don't worry. It's a half hour weekly show that I will host entitled Let's Hunt & Kill Billy Ray Cyrus. Thank you. It's fairly self-explanatory. Each week we set the hounds of hell loose, we chase that jarhead, no-talent, cracker idiot all over the globe, until we catch that fruity little ponytail of his, pull him to his knees, put a shotgun in his mouth.... KKKHHH. ...and we'll be back in '94 with Let's Hunt & Kill Michael Bolton.
    • The Debbie Gibson / Tiffany / Jimi Hendrix bit is gloriously wrong-but-right: "I bet he could 'Shake Her Love' right in half."
    • (as Satan) "Hello Hammer... back again huh?"
  • His Elvis Presley impression, particularly this one during the Sane Man special where he starts wiping his brow with anything.
  • Bill's idea for casting movie stuntmen. Crossing the Line Twice is putting it very mildly.
  • The infamous Chicago show where Bill goes ballistic at the repeated heckle of "Free Bird!" Few people are as funny when they're that pissed off as Bill, and it's a minor miracle he still got laughs afterward.
    Bill: I don't think this is gonna be a "get laid" set for me...
  • One of the great punchlines: "I can speak for any guy here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves? Ladies, you'd be here alone right now... watching an empty stage."
  • Childhood holidays with his parents in the car: "The sun will always be shining through your window Bill, figure that one out!"
  • After discussing the origin of Australia as a penal colony, Hicks briefly imitates a Brit of the time:
    "So let me get this straight. Either I can stay here, with the shitty food and the shitty weather, or I can get arrested and be sent off to a tropical paradise... I'm Jack the Ripper."
  • Bill discusses the movie Basic Instinct, and how test audiences didn't like the lesbian sex scenes that were eventually cut out of the film.
    Bill: If I had been in that test audience, the only one protesting would've been Michael Douglas demanding that his part be put back in!
    • He also discusses how easy it is to miss the split-second where you can see Sharon Stone's crotch. "I was reaching for my Coke, what happened? I gotta watch this again!"
  • Basically any routine he does on drugs is hilarious. This quote is just the tip of the iceberg:
    Bill: I don't do drugs anymore..... than, say, the average touring funk band.