Funny / Bill Hicks

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• Bill's unique theory on Bill Clinton's statement about trying marijuana: "I didn't inhale."
  "Brownies! Look at his waistline!"
• Whenever the pop stars of his time come into the question (Rick Astley, George Michael, Debbie Gibson, Vanilla Ice in later years), he gets almost lovably sadistic.
  I finally got my own TV show coming out as a replacement show this fall. It's not a talk show. Don't worry. It's a half hour weekly show that I will host entitled Let's Hunt & Kill Billy Ray Cyrus. Thank you. It's fairly self-explanatory. Each week we set the hounds of hell loose, we chase that jarhead, no-talent, cracker idiot all over the globe, until we catch that fruity little ponytail of his, pull him to his knees, put a shotgun in his mouth like a big black cock of death.... KKKHHH. ...and we'll be back in '94 with Let's Hunt & Kill Michael Bolton.
  • The Debbie Gibson/Tiffany/Jimi Hendrix bit is gloriously wrong-but-right.
    I bet he could 'Shake Her Love' right in half.
  • [as Satan] "Hello Hammer... back again huh?"
• His Elvis Presley impression, particularly this one during the Sane Man special where he starts wiping his brow with anything.
• Bill's idea for casting movie stuntmen. Crosses the Line Twice is putting it very mildly.
• The infamous Chicago show where Bill goes ballistic at the repeated heckle of "Free Bird!" Few people are as funny when they're that pissed off as Bill; it's a minor miracle he still got laughs afterward.
  Bill: I don't think this is gonna be a "get laid" set for me...
• One of the great punchlines: "I can speak for any guy here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves? Ladies, you'd be here alone right now... watching an empty stage."
• Childhood holidays with his parents in the car: "The sun will always be shining through your window Bill, figure that one out!"
• After discussing the origin of Australia as a penal colony, Hicks briefly imitates a Brit of the time:
  So Let Me Get This Straight.... Either I can stay here, with the shitty food and the shitty weather, or I can get arrested and be sent off to a tropical paradise... I'm Jack the Ripper.
• Basic Instinct drew some choice comments from Bill.
  • One zinger was how test audiences didn't like the lesbian sex scenes that were eventually cut out of the film.
    Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America! If I had been in that test audience, the only one protesting would've been Michael Douglas demanding that his part be put back in! "I swear I was in that movie! I swear I was!"
  • He also discusses how easy it is to miss the split-second where you can see Sharon Stone's crotch.
    I was reaching for my Coke, what happened? I gotta watch this again!
• Basically any routine he does on drugs is hilarious. This quote is just the tip of the iceberg:
  I don't do drugs anymore..... than, say, the average touring funk band.

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