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Funny: Gabriel Iglesias
  • For the few, the proud, the overweight the big-boned, we have the Five Six Levels Of Fatness. They include:
    1. Big
    2. Healthy
    3. Husky
    4. Fluffy
    5. Daaaaaaaayum!
    6. Oh HELL naw!
    • The difference between 5 and 6? You'd still be willing to let 5 onto an elevator with you—6, you'd be slamming the "Close Door" button.
  • Gabriel takes his son to the arcade, and what does he want to play? Dance Dance Revolution. Hilarity Ensues.
  • When he shows up at his friend Martin's house in his new car...a Beetle. And the Latino gang members across the street start screwing with him:
    Gabriel: (honks horn) "Marteeeeeeeeeeen!"note 
    Thug: "Ey! Ese!"
    Gabriel: "Hey what's up, how's it goin'?"
    Thug: "How did you get in there, ese?"
    (Beat)
    Gabriel: "...HURRY UP, MARTEEN!"
    • He later gets it customized and returns to pick up Marteen again.
      Gabriel: "Marteeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"
      Thug: "Ey! Ese!"
      Gabriel: *refuses to acknowledge the thug*
      Thug: "Ey!"
      Gabriel: *continues to refuse to acknowledge the thug*
      Thug: "Ey!"
      Gabriel: *still refuses to acknowledge the thug*
      Thug: "Ey!"
      Thug: "Ey!"
      Gabriel: *irritated* "WHAT?!"
      *Beat*
      Thug: "Check it out, eh! It's The Fat and The Furious!"
  • "Marteen! Look, my iPhone lied for me! Blackberry can't do that!"
  • Gabriel gets stopped by a police officer:
    Officer: "Do you know why I stopped you?"
    Gabriel: (who just happens to be holding a box of donuts) "Because you can smell it!"
    • Another time when Gabriel gets pulled over by a police officer, this time for going at speeds exceeding 100 miles per hour while attempting to race a sports car with two "hoochies" in it. The officer pulls both cars over, and talks to Gabriel first. As he's going to talk to the "hoochies," Gabriel gets out the Bad Boys soundtrack, puts on the theme song to Cops, and blasts it. He ends up giving the "hoochies" a ticket, while Gabriel gets off with a warning because he made the cop laugh.
    • And then Felipe almost screws up the whole thing:
    Felipe: ...So does mean I can keep my weed?
  • Gabriel relates the story of Dave, his tour bus driver, screwing with the Border Patrol:
    Officer: "Now, our dog says there is some kind of illicit substance on board..."
    Dave: "Is that what the dog said? How about that? God-damn Scooby-Doo!"
  • Explaining why he can't wear solid colors in LA without panicking people.
    *solid blue* "It's a Crip!"
    *solid red* "It's a Blood!"
    *solid yellow* "It's a Pokémon!"
  • Gabriel received about a dozen chocolate cakes after a show, and took them home. He and his significant other have quite a conversation about the cakes, until Frankie comes downstairs and sees the cakes. Gabriel gives him a small one:
    The look on his face at three o'clock in the morning... it was like he got a gift from God!
  • The entire "Sunday Kid" skit during "Aloha Fluffy." Gabe relates how, in an effort to get his son to use deodorant on a regular basis, he turns his alarm clock forward by 2 1/2 hours, frantically wakes him up, and runs him through his entire school routine at light-speed. All throughout, Gabe mentions that its dark, the sun is barely out, and there are no kids around when he drops Frankie off. The best part? It was a Sunday.
    • It gets better: his girlfriend calls and forces him to pick him up. Then there was the aftermath at school where Frankie is dubbed "Sunday Kid" because a janitor saw the whole thing. Gabe goes on to say that humiliation is by far one of the most effective and more importantly legal ways to hammer a point into your kid.
Bill HicksFunny/Recorded and Stand-Up ComedyEddie Izzard

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