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Funny: Gabriel Iglesias

  • For the few, the proud, the overweight the big-boned, we have the Five Six Levels Of Fatness. They include:
    1. Big
    2. Healthy
    3. Husky
    4. Fluffy
    5. Daaaaaaaayum!
    6. Oh HELL naw!
    • The difference between 5 and 6? You'd still be willing to let 5 onto an elevator with you—6, you'd be slamming the "Close Door" button.
  • Gabriel takes his son to the arcade, and what does he want to play? Dance Dance Revolution. Hilarity Ensues.
  • When he shows up at his friend Martin's house in his new car...a Beetle. And the Latino gang members across the street start screwing with him:
    Gabriel: (honks horn) "Marteeeeeeeeeeen!"note 
    Thug: "Órale!"
    Gabriel: "Hey what's up, how's it goin'?"
    Thug: "How did you get in there, ese?"
    (Beat)
    Gabriel: "...HURRY UP, MARTEEN!"
    • He later gets it customized and returns to pick up Marteen again.
      Gabriel: "Marteeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"
      Thug: "Órale!"
      Gabriel: "(refuses to acknowledge the thug) ...Oh no, I'm not gonna look"
      Thug: "Ey!"
      Gabriel: "(continues to refuse acknowledging the thug) Uh-uh."
      Thug: "Ey!"
      Gabriel: "(still refuses to acknowledge the thug) I don't see you."
      Thug: "YOOOO-HOOOOO!!!"
      Gabriel: "(ignores the thug for the third time) Grrrr...."
      Thug: "EY!!"
      *Beat*
      Thug: "Check it out, ey! It's The Fat and The Furious!"
  • "Marteen! Look, my iPhone lied for me! Blackberry can't do that!"
  • Gabriel gets stopped by a police officer after getting Krispy Kreme donuts and being so excited to get home and eat them that he was speeding:
    Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
    Gabriel: (holds up the donuts) Because you could smell it!
    • Another time he gets pulled over and the cop turns out to be a fan of his. He can't wait to tell everyone at the station about meeting him.
      Officer: This is even better than the time a buddy of mine pulled over this fat guy who tried to give him donuts!
    • Another time when Gabriel gets pulled over by a police officer, this time for going at speeds exceeding 100 miles per hour while attempting to race a sports car with two "hoochies" in it. The officer pulls both cars over, and talks to Gabriel first. As he's going to talk to the "hoochies," Gabriel gets out the Bad Boys soundtrack, puts on the theme song to Cops, and blasts it. He ends up giving the "hoochies" a ticket, while Gabriel gets off with a warning because he made the cop laugh.
    Cop: (Beat, Beat... puts away the gun) "Nah. But that was funny, huh?"note 
    • Yet another time Gabriel gets pulled over:
      Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
      Gabriel: (angry black guy voice) 'Cause I'm black!
  • Gabriel relates the story of Dave, his tour bus driver, screwing with the Border Patrol:
    Officer: "Now, our dog says there is some kind of illicit substance on board..."
    Dave: "Is that what the dog said? How about that? God-damn Scooby-Doo!"
  • Explaining why he can't wear solid colors in LA without panicking people.
    *solid blue* "It's a Crip!"
    *solid red* "It's a Blood!"
    *solid yellow* "It's a Pokémon!"
  • Gabriel received about a dozen chocolate cakes after a show, and took them home. He and his significant other have quite a conversation about the cakes, until Frankie comes downstairs and sees the cakes. Gabriel gives him a small one:
    The look on his face at three o'clock in the morning... it was like he got a gift from God!
  • The entire "Sunday Kid" skit during "Aloha Fluffy." Gabe relates how, in an effort to get revenge for Franky (the step-son) disrespecting him at home, he turns his alarm clock forward by 2 1/2 hours, frantically wakes him up, and runs him through his entire school routine at light-speed. All throughout, Gabe mentions that its dark, the sun is barely out, and there are no kids around when he drops Frankie off. The best part? It was a Sunday.
    • It gets better: his girlfriend calls and forces him to pick him up. Then there was the aftermath at school where Frankie is dubbed "Sunday Kid" because a janitor saw the whole thing. Gabe goes on to say that humiliation is by far one of the most effective and more importantly legal ways to hammer a point into your kid.
  • Talking about a recent show in Saudia Arabia, Gabriel learns from his Saudi driver that, thanks to Youtube, he is the second most-popular comedian in the Middle East. The first most-popular? JEFF DUNHAM.
    Gabriel: You mean you don't find him offensive?
    Driver: Are you kidding? Hee hee. "I KEEL YOU!"
  • Spending time at the Saudi Arabian prince's palace, Gabriel sees that the prince has several falcons trained for hunting. The prince gives Gabriel a demonstration, even offering Gabriel a falcon as a gift. Gabriel refuses, as the thought of having one retrieving things (like donuts) for him would only increase his levels of laziness! Then the thought of loaning the bird to one of his friends, like Marteen:
    [mimics the sound of music playing at a stripclub]
    Marteen: The redhead!
    [falcon cry]
  • Before he goes off to perform shows in India, his fans warn him about the dangers: namely, waterborne parasites, the street food, and a rampant crime rate that gets worse at night. After running it over in his head, Gabriel gets to thinking:
    Why does that sound familiar? ... That's Mexico!
  • Gabriel describes traffic in India, which does not stop for anything but cows. He describes a situation where a man is shot dead, and the drivers proceed to shake their heads, mourn for a second, then pull him over to the sidewalk. Should a car accident happen in the middle of the street, blocking the road:
    Gabriel: [mimes the sound of a car driving over the body like a speedbump]
    • He goes on to explain that no one harrasses or drives around the cows, as Indians believe they are souls reincarnated. When one lays down and stops all traffic, Gabriel points this out:
    Gabriel: We drove past a dead body fifteen minutes ago!
    Driver: That is probably him.