"You ever have someone not ask for directions, but demand them? You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn, some guy's just like, "HOLLAND TUNNEL!" Like you were supposed to fax this guy directions? Suddenly, you're wasting his time!"
His bit about Boston beans:
Jim: (in Boston accent) "Yeah, beans are awesome! They're wicked awesome! The Yankees suck and Dunkin' Donuts raaahhhhhhhcks! Dunkin' Donuts! Dunkin' Donuts!" Some people like Dunkin' Donuts a little too much: "Dunkin' Donuts awesome!" Uh, I think they're just making donuts, not curing lupus.
Discussing waiters in "Beyond the Pale":
Jim: I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
"If you're eating steak, something special's happening. If you're eating bologna, you might be special."
"I bet if you put bits of bacon on a strip of bacon, you could travel back in time. It's like a tasty vortex. Be kind of redundant for me, 'cause I would just travel back to when I was eating bacon. It would be a bacon-to-bacon time-space continuum."
Jim's proud of himself for reading a book:
Jim: "Hey how are you-" "I READ A BOOK!!! 250 PAGES!!!" "What was it about?" "NO IDEA!!! TOOK ME TWO YEARS!!!"
In "King Baby" when discussing all the pillows on his bed:
Jim: (as audience member) "Pillow jokes, really? Is that what he's doing? I didn't know it was going to be so edgy. I didn't come here to be shocked into laughter."
In the Comedy Central Presents special, Jim asks if anyone's a gym teacher in the audience, then makes a joke about them ("I want to teach, but I don't want to read. How about kickball for forty years?"), and soon after asks if anyone's Pope in the audience.
In "Beyond the Pale", when discussing Catholicism:
Jim: "Only eat fish on Friday... unless you forget!.... aw, do whatever the hell you want."
Speaking of Catholicism, in the Comedy Central Presents special, he mentioned his family had six kids, "Catholic".
Jim: "Six kids, Catholic". Like if she didn't add that "Catholic" on the end, people would think, "Wow, his mom really likes sex."