Comedy Central Presents special:
- "You ever have someone not ask for directions, but demand them? You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn, some guy's just like, "HOLLAND TUNNEL!" Like you were supposed to fax this guy directions? Suddenly, you're wasting his time!"
- Jim's proud of himself for reading a book:
Jim: "Hey how are you-" "I READ A BOOK!!! 250 PAGES!!!" "What was it about?" "NO IDEA!!! TOOK ME TWO YEARS!!!"
- Jim asks if anyone's a gym teacher in the audience, then makes a joke about them ("I want to teach, but I don't want to read. How about kickball for forty years?"), and soon after asks if anyone's Pope in the audience.
- He mentioned his family had six kids, "Catholic".
Jim: "Six kids, Catholic". Like if she didn't add that "Catholic" on the end, people would think, "Wow, his mom really likes sex."
- Jim's father was a pastor, and frequently asked Jim to do the reading in church. Jim's response? "Christ!"
Jim: Somebody kill me! I'd rather go to Hell than read up here!
- Then when he stumbles through a Bible reading:
Beyond the Pale:
- Discussing waiters:
Jim: We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. PHIL!!! Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
- When discussing Catholicism:
Jim: "Only eat fish on Friday!... unless you forget!.... aw, do whatever the hell you want."
- His annoyance when people want to share dessert at restaurants:
Jim: "Hey, you wanna share dessert? Let's share dessert!" "Why don't you get your own damn dessert?"
- The origin of Easter tradition. "How about eggs?" "Well what does that have to do with Jesus?" "All right, we'll hide 'em."
- Talking about his unhealthy lifestyle:
Jim: I eat late at night— you're not supposed to eat late at night. Then again you're not supposed to drink booze in the morning. [Condescendingly] And apparently you're never supposed to smoke crack. Whatever, I'm not training for the Olympics. Sometimes after an entire hour of work I wanna unwind with a burger and a crack pipe. If I do that every night, does that make me some "crackhead"?
- His bit about receiving presents, especially a flask:
Jim: I think giving someone a flask is a nice way of saying, "Hey, you seem like a drunk on the go! You strike me as needing hard liquor at all times. It'd be good for you in your car."
Jim: Thanks. You know I have electricity, right? Hey, if my place smells, just let me know. No, this is great, now I know what I'm getting you next Christmas: This.
- And candles:
- His bit about fish:
Jim: How can you tell when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way. "Well, this smells like a dumpster. Let's eat it!"
- "If you're eating steak, something special's happening. If you're eating bologna, you might be special."
- Speaking of going to church:
Jim: (to pastor) Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!
- Hot Pockets!
Jim: (reading off a box of Hot Pockets) WARNING: You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer. You hillbilly, enjoy the next NASCAR event.
Hypothetical Audience Member: I like NASCAR. He's a jerk.
- His bit about Boston beans:
Jim: (in Boston accent) "Yeah, beans are awesome! They're wicked awesome! The Yankees suck and Dunkin' Donuts raaahhhhhhhcks! Dunkin' Donuts! Dunkin' Donuts!" Some people like Dunkin' Donuts a little too much: "Dunkin' Donuts awesome!" Uh, I think they're just making donuts, not curing lupus.
- "I bet if you put bits of bacon on a strip of bacon, you could travel back in time. It's like a tasty vortex. Be kind of redundant for me, 'cause I would just travel back to when I was eating bacon. It would be a bacon-to-bacon time-space continuum."
- On exercise:
Jim: "It's only twenty minutes a day. Just twenty minutes a day." Yeah, that's too many.
- When discussing all the pillows on his bed:
Jim: (as audience member) "Pillow jokes, really? Is that what he's doing? I didn't know it was going to be so edgy. I didn't come here to be shocked into laughter."
- Talking about recycling, and how you're supposed to clean the recyclables before you throw them out. Jim says, "Maybe I should clean myself before I start washing the garbage."
- He waited in line for an hour and a quarter to go on the Dumbo ride at Disneyland:
Jim: After a minute, I was like, "I'm the Dumbo! I'm waiting to see myself! At the end of the line, there's just gonna be a mirror and some guy going, "DUMBO!"
- Discussing bodybuilders:
Jim: When I say "bodybuilder", I'm not talking about somebody who's muscular. I'm talking about the guys that have gotten so big, people are afraid to tell 'em it looks weird. "What do you think of that?" (quickly) "It's great, it's perfectly normal." "I'm not too muscular?" "No no, what do you want? Money? Please don't kill me."
Jim: They sell six billion hamburgers a day, there's only 300 million people in this country. It's like, "Hmm, I'm not a calculus teacher... but I think everyone's lying."
- People don't admit they eat there:
Jim: Sometimes, there's a loose fry in the bag. You know, the bonus fry. It's like Jesus is up in Heaven: "Give 'em an extra fry. He'll pay it forward." By the way, that's how Jesus sounds. Or at least I hope. You wouldn't wanna meet Jesus and He's like, (thick Southern accent) "HEY Y'ALL, HOW YA DOIN'?! YOU BEEN TURNIN' THAT OTHER CHEEK? I GAVE YOU THAT BONUS FRY FOR A REASON!"
- The loose bag fry:
Jim: "I would never go to McDonalds." Well, McDonalds wouldn't want you, 'cause you're a dick.
- People brag about not eating there:
- His bit about Subway. Especially the moment when the employee practically drowns Jim's sub in mayo.
Jim: But Jared, he's hung in there, you know? He's kept the weight off. He's been their spokesman for so long, there are kids who didn't even know about the fat Jared. My 10-year old nephew thought he was the owner of Subway. I was like, "No, he was a big fat guy who ate all these hoagies and now he's thin." Even my nephew was like, "Well, that's bullshit."
- Talking about Jared:
- Capped off with a bit about meatball subs:
Jim: Well, I could go jogging, or I could go to Subway and have a meatball sub.' What level of delusion are we in, where we view a meatball sub as a healthy alternative to a hamburger? It's like, how do you make a meatball sub? You roll five hamburgers into balls, cover them in cheese, and put them on a bun that holds five hamburgers. Eat Fresh!
- His bit about weddings:
Jim: "Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter. [referring to eating an entire ice cream pint by himself] Don't you want to be at her wedding?" "Not really, no. Wait, is there gonna be ice cream at her wedding? Because if you promise-! I still don't want to go." How would attending a wedding, why would that be an incentive? It's like, "Don't you die! In 18 years, there's an awkward party you have to pay for! And we need you to write a check." No, I understand weddings are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess! And marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists. And we're a bunch of weirdos. Weddings are kind of weird. I mean, what's the logic? It's like, "Well, we love each other. Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom? We'll invite your parents' friends and my parents' friends, and we'll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation."
- Grumlbing about the Metric system:
Jim: It's not like I wasn't exposed to it; when I was growing up, they were like "Learn the Metric system, everyone will learn the Metric system, big change comin' up!" Then ten years later, they were like, "Ha! Nevermind! It's too hard, it's based on tens!"