Funny / Jim Gaffigan

  • "You ever have someone not ask for directions, but demand them? You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn, some guy's just like, "HOLLAND TUNNEL!" Like you were supposed to fax this guy directions? Suddenly, you're wasting his time!"
  • His bit about Boston beans:
    Jim: (in Boston accent) "Yeah, beans are awesome! They're wicked awesome! The Yankees suck and Dunkin' Donuts raaahhhhhhhcks! Dunkin' Donuts! Dunkin' Donuts!" Some people like Dunkin' Donuts a little too much: "Dunkin' Donuts awesome!" Uh, I think they're just making donuts, not curing lupus.
  • Discussing waiters in "Beyond the Pale":
    Jim: I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
  • "If you're eating steak, something special's happening. If you're eating bologna, you might be special."
  • "I bet if you put bits of bacon on a strip of bacon, you could travel back in time. It's like a tasty vortex. Be kind of redundant for me, 'cause I would just travel back to when I was eating bacon. It would be a bacon-to-bacon time-space continuum."
  • Jim's proud of himself for reading a book:
    Jim: "Hey how are you-" "I READ A BOOK!!! 250 PAGES!!!" "What was it about?" "NO IDEA!!! TOOK ME TWO YEARS!!!"
  • On exercise:
    Jim: "It's only twenty minutes a day." That's too many.
  • In "King Baby" when discussing all the pillows on his bed:
    Jim: (as audience member) "Pillow jokes, really? Is that what he's doing? I didn't know it was going to be so edgy. I didn't come here to be shocked into laughter."
  • In the Comedy Central Presents special, Jim asks if anyone's a gym teacher in the audience, then makes a joke about them ("I want to teach, but I don't want to read. How about kickball for forty years?"), and soon after asks if anyone's Pope in the audience.
  • In "Beyond the Pale", when discussing Catholicism:
    Jim: "Only eat fish on Friday... unless you forget!.... aw, do whatever the hell you want."
    • Speaking of Catholicism, in the Comedy Central Presents special, he mentioned his family had six kids, "Catholic".
    Jim: "Six kids, Catholic". Like if she didn't add that "Catholic" on the end, people would think, "Wow, his mom really likes sex."
  • In "Beyond the Pale", his annoyance when people want to share dessert at restaurants:
    Jim: "Hey, you wanna share dessert? Let's share dessert!" "Why don't you get your own damn dessert?"
  • In "Mr. Universe", his bit about Subway. Especially the moment when the employee practically drowns Jim's sub in mayo.
    • Capped off with a bit about meatball subs:
      Jim: "'Well, I could go jogging, or I could go to Subway and have a meatball sub.' What level of delusion are we in, where we view a meatball sub as a healthy alternative to a hamburger? It's like, how do you make a meatball sub? You roll five hamburgers into balls, cover them in cheese, and put them on a bun that holds five hamburgers. Eat Fresh!
  • Talking about recycling, and how you're supposed to clean the recyclables before you throw them out. Jim says, "Maybe I should clean myself before I start washing the garbage."
  • Talking about his unhealthy lifestyle:
    Jim: I eat late at night— you're not supposed to eat late at night. Then again you're not supposed to drink booze in the morning. [Condescendingly] And apparently you're never supposed to smoke crack. Whatever, I'm not training for the Olympics. Sometimes after an entire hour of work I wanna unwind with a burger and a crack pipe. If I do that every night, does that make me some "crackhead"?
    Hypothetical Audience Member: This guy's a crackhead. That's why he's so pale. He's the fattest crackhead I've ever seen.
  • The origin of Easter tradition according to "Beyond the Pale". "How about eggs?" "Well what does that have to do with Jesus?" "All right, we'll hide 'em."