Funny / Belisarius Series

• When Phoetius said,"It's not fair. I didn't ask to be made emperor of Rome."
• After the notorious Fake-Out Make-Out in the first book; Prince Eon jumped off Princess Shakuntala, helped her to her feet, and apologized profusely about the necessity of the indignity and so forth. Shakuntala for her part accepted the apologies and reassured Eon that she held nothing against him in terms of his gentlemanliness and so forth... but then felt obliged to add:
  "Yet I fear, prince, that one of your provinces is in revolt."
  • Ousanas didn't help readers with catching their breath, either, with his grinning follow-up to Shakuntala's comment.
    "Indeed so! Most insolent uprising! Prince do well to beat rebel down!" Then, with a flourish: "Here! Use my spear!"
• Antonina's response on having her specially-ordered bronze cuirass delivered to her.
  Antonina: (deadpan) My tits are not that big.
• Anastasius' poking fun at Valentinian's angry muttering about everything.
  Anastasius: You know, if you ever get tired of being a soldier, I'm sure you could make a good living as a miracle worker. Turning wine into vinegar. [...] Wine into vinegar. Yes, yes. And then—! The possibilities are endless! Turn fresh milk sour. Make puppies grim. Kittens, indolent. Oh, yes! Valentinian of Thrace, they'll be calling you. The miracle worker! Everybody'll avoid you like the plague, of course. Probably be entire villages chasing you with stones, even. But you'll be famous! I'll be able to say: 'I knew him when he was just a simple nasty ill-tempered disgruntled soldier.' Oh, yes! I'll be able—
  Valentinian: *mutters angrily*
• Shakuntala marries Ragunhath Rao, and on their wedding night, the night they have both secretly longed for for years...
  Shakuntala: I thought it would—I don't know. Take longer.
  Rao: I can't believe it. I haven't done that since I was fourteen. Well...well. Well. It should have, actually. Much longer.
  • Shakuntala proceeds to inform him, the legendary Panther of Maharashtra and the Wind of the Great Country, should perhaps better be called the Pant of Maharashtra and the Gust (or even the Puff) of the Great Country.