Funny / The Belgariad

  • When Belgarath remarks on Polgara's sympathy to Mandorallen's love life:
    Belgarath: Polgara spent too many years associating with the Wacite Arends. They were as bad or worse than the Mimbrates. You can't wallow in that kind of sentimentality for that long without some of it rubbing off. Fortunately it hasn't totally blotted out her good sense. She's only occasionally girlish and gushy. If you can avoid her during those seizures, it's almost as if there were nothing wrong with her.
  • After Garion manages to make the rock move with the Will and the Word by saying "Push!" we have this exchange:
    Belgarath: Push?
    Garion: You said to say push.
    Belgarath: I said to push. I didn't say to say push.
    Garion: It went over. What difference does it make what word I used?
    Belgarath: It's a question of style. Push sounds so—so babyish. After all, Garion, we do have a certain dignity to maintain. If we go around saying "push" or "flop" or things like that, no-one's ever going to take us seriously.
    • This was after he moved it once by "lifting" from the bottom...and sinking himself to the shoulders into the ground because he didn't brace himself to get leverage.
  • Another rock-related scene, when Garion leaps in to help Belgarath stop rocks being rolled down on the party.
    Belgarath: Did I ask for help? Do I look like an invalid?
    Garion: There's another rock coming.
    Belgarath: Don't change the subject. I think you're getting above yourself, young man.
    Garion: Grandfather! (telekinetically hurls rock away)
    Belgarath: Tacky, Garion, very tacky. You don't have to throw them all the way to Prolgu, you know. Stop trying to show off... fine, as long as you're here anyway, but stick to your own rocks. You throw me off-balance.
    Garion: I just need a little practice.
    Belgarath: You need instruction in etiquette, too. You don't just leap in with help; it's very bad form.
    Garion: Another rock coming. Do you want to get it, or shall I?
    Belgarath: Don't get snippy, young man.
  • In the Malloreon, Garion has matured and learned a bit more about the style of sorcery. Then he goes and creates a door by saying the mystical Word "Door". Much to Beldin's horror.
  • Later on, when he and 'Zakath are "competing" in a tourney, he tries to reinforce his lance so it won't break. He's distracted and can't think of a suitable word, so he says, "make it that way." Which ends with it working too well, as in his lance was throwing opponents out of their saddles without even touching them.
    • After the fifth or sixth time a Perivoran knight is hurled from his saddle without the lance even chipping, the remaining competitors gather to discuss matters. "And then, en masse, they yielded."
  • From The Malloreon, after Garion has stolen the boat at Lake Karand (and argued with Silk as to whether it was stealing or just borrowing, and fielded complaints about the boat being ugly):
    Belgarath: (speaking of the Grolim they've captured) What did you hit him with?
    Garion: My fist.
    Belgarath: Use an axe next time, you almost killed him!
    Garion: (speaking to everyone) Does anyone else have any complaints? Why don't we just pile them all up right now?
  • Ce'Nedra's Big "NO!" definitely counts — even more so because Garion initially had no idea what caused it.
  • For this exchange to make sense, keep in mind the following: Angaraks worship Torak. In the first series, Belgarion KILLED Torak. Belgarion is at a gala on Angarak soil.
    Angarak Noble: Torak's Beard, I— (said as a curse)
    Belgarion: He didn't have one.
    Angarak Noble: Pardon me?
    Belgarion: Torak. He didn't have a beard.
    Angarak Noble: (turns pale) You mean the stories are true?
  • Another extremely funny moment happens when Ce'Nedra goes into labor. Garion's brain clicks to "Off". By the time Polgara arrives, he's about to start breaking furniture to throw into the fireplace. Fortunately, she recognizes the problem and sends him away until the business is finished.
    Polgara: Oh, it's going to be one of those.
  • Killing a god was a big deal, but becoming a father? Brain-breaker. Subverted with the salvation of reality. When his daughter is born, he gathers his son and goes back to sleep at the other end of the castle until it's over.
  • The group needs to get information from a simple worker. Silk's not available, so Durnik takes the helm. His first move is to order Belgarath around like a servant.
  • A beautiful one happens, right at the end of The Malloreon. Geran is a bored two-year-old and Garion wants to keep him entertained... so he hands his son the Orb of Aldur, the blue gem that eats Gods for breakfast. And then, when he takes the Orb away from Geran, the Orb grumbles in Garion's ear for the next hour.
    Beldin: That's really very disturbing, Garion. You've turned the most powerful object in the universe into a child's plaything.
  • One exchange from The Belgariad: An assassin who had been tailing the party and trying to kill them for most of the series up to this point attempted to lunge at and kill Silk... while they were standing near the parapets of a city built on a mountaintop. The consequences are predictable. The two of them actually fought for several moments Neo/Agent Smith style, with Garion the only witness.
    Belgarath: (upon reaching the site of the fray) Where is he?
    Silk: Last I saw... trying to learn to fly. (a loud crash of a body hitting rocks far, far below) He wasn't doing it very well.
    Belgarath: Maybe it'll come to him in time.
    Silk: He doesn't really have all that much time (a second and final impact echoes from below) Does bouncing count?
    Belgarath: I don't think so.
    Silk: Then I'd say he didn't learn in time (starts to walk away, staring up at the stars) What an absolutely beautiful night!
  • Also, there's exactly one week between Lelldorin's summons to Riva and him actually getting there. His explanation of what happened during that week (he fled the country with his Mimbrate girlfriend-turned-wife) to Garion is one of the series' funnier moments, reaching Crowning status halfway through with "the priest had it coming, though..." Considering that Arendia was a homage to English/French Romance (in the traditional sense), it's no surprise that he managed that in only a week. It both plays straight and mocks it at the same time.
  • Garion meets a commoner in a Mallorean tavern:
    Commoner: Watch yer fate.
    Garion: (alarmed) Fate?
    Commoner: Fate. Them thangs you got on the end of yer laigs.
  • Queen Layla's is shared with the Sendarian royal children when they all work together to reduce the Tolnedran Ambassador to tears of frustration as he tries to persuade her to allow the Tolnedrans to take over the "chore" of administering the main port of the country. He assumes that since she's a woman, she's stupid, so she puts on an astonishing imitation of The Ditz. Then two of the children interrupt with an argument about a string of beads, and the youngest prince caps it off with a jam-smeared face — that Layla wipes clean with the treaty.
  • Mandorallen manages one that lasts for roughly 2 pages in the twenty-seventh chapter of the Seeress of Kell, the funniest bit for this troper being when he 'misses' the floor when casting his gauntlet in challenge and 'accidentally' hits an offensive young baron in the face.
  • Also worthy of note is Velvet's response to Garion's epic There Was a Door moment.
    "Belgarion," Velvet chided him gently, "now really, that's no way to behave. Kal Zakath has been a very courteous host. I'm sure that now that he understands the situation, he'll be more than happy to cooperate, won't you, your Imperial Majesty?" She smiled winsomely at the Emperor. "We wouldn't want the Rivan King to get really angry, now would we? There are so many breakable things about — windows, walls, houses, the city of Rak Hagga — that sort of thing."
  • Near the end of The Malloreon, a Mimbrate aristocrat insults Lelldorin (of Asturia, the most bitter enemy of Mimbre), who is also the friend of Mandorallen (also a Mimbrate). Mandorallen's response qualifies for a crowning moment of Awesome as well as Funny:
    Mandorallen: My lord, I find thy face apelike and thy form misshapen. Thy beard, moreover, is an offense against decency, resembling more closely the scabrous fur which doth decorate the hinder portion of a mongrel dog than a proper adornment for a human face. Is it possible that thy mother, seized by some wild lechery, did dally at some time past with a randy goat?
  • When Belgarath and Silk return from their sidequest to rejoin the group, Belgarath has a mysteriously broken arm and Silk is sporting a slightly malicious grin. Efforts to find out what transpired are hampered by Silk breaking down in hysterical laughter when Belgarath finally grudgingly admits that a tree fell on him. Polgara is distinctly unimpressed.
  • At the very end of Seeress of Kell, after everything is over, Silk and Garion are chatting about what they're going to do now that the course of the world is back on track. (paraphrasing)
    Silk: So what are you going to do now?
    Garion: I'm going to be very busy being a father. The Prophecy said to expect a large amount of daughters.
    Silk: Garion, there comes a time when women are past childbearing age.
    Garion: Do you remember Xbel? (a youthful dryad [tree nymph]) Do you think she's past childbearing age?
    Silk: Of course not.
    Garion: Silk, Xbel is over 300 years old. Trees live a long time you know. Ce'Nedra's a dryad too.
    Silk: Well then maybe you'll get too old to... (looks at Belgarath who had his kids at the age of 4000) Oh my! I guess you do have a bit of a problem.
  • Every instance of a character, particularly Barak, telling Mandorallen that he REALLY needs to sort out his nickname of "The Bastard of Vo Mandor" in The Belgariad ALWAYS manages to crack you up.
    Barak: You're going to have to do something about that one of these days.
    Mandorallen: It would seem so.
  • Another good one is when Mandorallen recovers from his fear and starts kicking ass but less recklessly... for a few pages, anyway.
    • Barak and every other character has commented on this.
    Mandorallen: They cannot be over a hundred. Shall we attack them?
    Barak: One of these days you and I are going to have to have a long talk about a few things.
    • And this exchange:
    Mandorallen: Then we must teach them to fear our trail and avoid it.
    Barak: You're falling back into your old habits.
    Mandorallan: (after a Curb-Stomp Battle) We must seek them out. Better to destroy them now.
    Barak: He's definitely backsliding.
    • And here:
    Mandorallen: All else failing, we must of necessity resort to main force. (starts putting on his armor)
    Barak: You're backsliding again.
    • However, Mandorallen at least recognizes some limits:
    Mandorallen: We are some distance from our own forces, Your Majesty. I pray thee, be moderate in thine address. Even I might experience some difficulty in facing the massed legions of all Tolnedra. (Note: the Tolnedran Empire has the largest and best-trained military on the entire continent, and all of it was at that battlefield.)
  • Silk has been at the Market and basically ripping off everyone there. Despite making an extraordinary profit, he is moody and irritated because he can't tell who "won" in a trade for a perfume bottle that he doesn't know the value of. He takes it anyway because he didn't want the merchant to know he doesn't know its value. To solve the dilemma, he gives the bottle to Polgara who calls it a "princely gift". Silk couldn't figure out if she was serious or not and stomps away, muttering about Rivans and their deceptiveness.
  • When the group gets captured... again, Silk picks the locks of the jail cells, complaining about how it's the rust's fault it's taking such a long time. Then, in a moment of necessity, Belgarath turns around and opens a lock with magic
    Silk: When we've got some leisure, I'll want to talk to you about that.
    Belgarath: You were having such a good time with the locks that I didn't want to interfere.
  • When Garion starts experimenting with his new powers and manage to bury himself in the ground up to the neck. After unsuccessfully sending his pet colt to look for help (got distracted by a particular patch of grass), he was stuck there for half the day before Silk and Hettar finds him.
    Silk: How in the world did you manage to do that?
    Garion: I don't want to talk about it.
    Hettar: He probably can do many things that we can't. The thing I can't understand is why he'd want to do it.
    Silk: I'm positive he has a good reason for it.
    Hettar Do you think we should ask him?
    Silk: It's probably very complicated. I'm sure simple men like you and me wouldn't be able to understand it.
    Hettar: Do you suppose he's finished with whatever it is he's doing?
    Silk: We could ask him, I suppose.
    Hettar: I wouldn't want to disturb him, it could be very important.
    Silk: It almost has to be.
    Garion: Will you please get me out of here?!
    • Extra funny is brought here by the fact that up until this point, Hettar's role as The Quiet One has been played absolutely straight.
    • Speaking of Hettar proving how good he is at being quietly and understatedly funny:
    Silk, making introductions to Urgit: And Hettar, son of King Cho-Hag of Algaria.
    (Urgit shrinks back)
    Silk: Not to worry, Urgit. Hettar came all the way through the streets of your capital, and he didn't kill even one of your subjects.
    Hettar: I'm on vacation.
  • In this exchange, we realize how stupid it is to insult a Cherek:
    Barak: I am Barak, Earl of Trellheim, kinsman to King Anheg of Cherek, and I see that certain nobles in Arendia have even fewer manners than they have brains.
    Sir Haldorin: The Lords of Arendia are not impressed by the self-bestowed titles of the pig-sty kingdoms of the north.
    Barak: I find your words offensive, friend.
    Haldorin: And I find thine ape face and scraggly beard amusing.
    Barak: (proceeds to effortlessly knock the knight unconscious with one hit) Would anyone else like to comment about my beard?
    • Note that Sir Haldorin was in full armor at the time. The fact that he was wearing his helmet is specifically mentioned. No one else had anything to say about the beard.
  • Belgarion forcing Mandorallen and Nerina to get over their wangst and marrying them literally at swordpoint. With a doily on her head.
  • The first royal decree of King Fundor the Magnificent: "I prithee, good sirs, have a care for thine finery. I have just manured the field you are kneeling in."
  • Polgara attempting to scare Sadi into submission. Sadi, however, is stoned out of his mind and thinks her projection is "pretty”.
  • This:
    The banquet featured a number of exotic dishes that Garion could not put a name to and several which he did not even know how to eat. A deceptively innocent-looking rice dish was laced with such fiery seasonings that it brought tears to his eyes and sent his hand clutching for his water goblet.
    "Belar, Mara, and Nedra!" Durnik choked as he also groped about in search of water. So far as he could remember, it was the first time Garion had ever heard Durnik swear. He did it surprisingly well.
    "Piquant," Sadi commented as he calmly continued to eat the dreadful concoction.
    "How can you eat that?" Garion demanded in amazement.
    Sadi smiled. "You forget that I'm used to being poisoned, Belgarion. Poison tends to toughen the tongue and fireproof the throat."
  • The scene mentioned under Disposable Woman definitely fits in a Gallows Humor sort of way. Belgarath's amusement as Ctuchik searches desperately for his victim, and his total horror when realizing the Father of the Gods was protecting her sell the scene.
  • Hettar notes that the horses are getting tired, but then adds that they may be lying in order to get some time to rest. Silk, astonished, asks if horses really lie, and Hettar confirms that they do all the time. There's a moment's pause, and then Silk bursts out laughing, his faith in the world restored.
  • During The Malloreon, Barak, Hettar, Mandorallen and Lelldorin, all of whom are a little enthusiastic about picking fights and four of the biggest badasses on the planet, are left out of the main adventure. So, they go looking for a way to help Garion, and are described as, 'a natural disaster, looking for somewhere to happen'.
  • The moment when, after so many years of Silk obsequiously telling Belgarath to "trust him", Belgarath finally gets to use the words back on him. Silk glares and stalks away, and Belgarath nearly collapses in laughter, saying how long he's wanted to do that and that "it was worth the wait."
  • On a related note, Belgarath swiping Garion's "Why me?" Running Gag, and Garion himself using it one last time on the Voice of Prophecy as it's about to leave him forever.
  • On the oppossite extreme to understated short snarks, Mandorallen's on-the-fly salutation to the king of Perivor is 149 words long. It causes two things: all of Perivor's courtiers pulling an all-nighter frantically writing proper answers, and the following exchange:
    Zakath (murmured to Garion with some awe): He managed to say all that in one sentence?
    Garion (murmuring back): Two, I think.
  • While attempting to find a key prophecy, Garion, Belgarath, and Beldin enter a college of alchemists, looking for one named Senji. Said alchemist has managed to turn lead to gold (though the components to do so cost more than the gold, something he's trying to fix), and others are replicating his work... badly. After one explosion, a rather-singed alchemist knows exactly what he did wrong:
    "Too much sulfur, that's the problem, I used too much sulfur!"
  • Lelldorin's Altar the Speed must be seen to be believed.
    Garion: Why don't you just plunge on with the story, Lelldorin? I think I'm ready for the worst now.
    Lelldorin: (plaintively) It's not that I really meant any harm.
    Garion: Of course not.
    Lelldorin: Anyway, Ariana and I left the castle very late one evening. I knew the knight on guard at the drawbridge, so I hit him over the head because I didn't want to hurt him. (Garion blinks) I knew that he'd be honor-bound to try to stop us. I didn't want to have to kill him, so I hit him over the head.
    Garion: (dubiously) I suppose that makes sense.
    Lelldorin: Ariana's almost positive that he won't die.
    Garion: Die?
    Lelldorin: I hit him just a little too hard, I think.
    Garion: So that's why you think Aunt Pol might be cross with you.
    Lelldorin: Well, that's not exactly the whole story, Garion. A few other things happened, too.
    Garion: Such as what?
    Lelldorin: Well - they chased us - a little - and I had to kill a few of their horses.
    Garion: I see.
    Lelldorin: I specifically aimed my arrows at the horses and not at the men. It wasn't my fault that Baron Oltorain couldn't get his foot clear of the stirrup, was it?
    Garion: (resigned) How badly was he hurt?
    Lelldorin: Nothing serious at all - at least I don't think so. A broken leg perhaps - the one he broke before when Sir Mandorallen unhorsed him.
    Garion: Go on.
    Lelldorin: (hotly) The priest did have it coming, though.
    Garion: What priest?
    Lelldorin: The priest of Chaldan at that little chapel who wouldn't marry us because Ariana couldn't give him a document proving that she had her family's consent. He was very insulting.
    Garion: Did you break anything?
    Lelldorin: A few of his teeth is about all - and I stopped hitting him as soon as he agreed to perform the ceremony.
    Garion: And so you're married? Congratulations. I'm sure you'll both be very happy just as soon as they let you out of prison.
    Lelldorin: It's a marriage in name only, Garion. I would never take advantage of it - you know me better than that. We reasoned that Ariana's reputation might suffer if it became known that we were travelling alone like that. The marriage was just for the sake of appearances.
    Garion: That was all of it, then? You stole Baron Oltorain's sister, married her without his consent, broke his leg and assaulted several of his people - and a priest. That was everything that happened?
    Lelldorin: (with pained face) Well - not exactly.
    Garion: There's more?
    Lelldorin: I didn't really mean to hurt Torasin.
    Garion:Your cousin?
    Lelldorin: (nods moodily) Ariana and I took refuge at my Uncle Reldegin's house, and Torasin made some remarks about Ariana - she is a Mimbrate after all, and Torasin's very prejudiced. My remonstrances were quite temperate, I thought - all things considered - but after I knocked him down the stairs, nothing would satisfy him but a duel.
    Garion: (shocked) You killed him?
    Lelldorin: Of course I didn't kill him. All I did was run him through the leg - just a little bit.
    Garion: (exasperated) How can you run somebody through just a little bit, Lelldorin?
    Lelldorin: (on the verge of tears) You're disappointed in me, aren't you, Garion?
    Garion: (rolling his eyes skyward) No, Lelldorin, I'm not disappointed - a little startled perhaps - but not really disappointed. Was there anything else you can remember? - Anything you might have left out?
    Lelldorin: Well, I hear that I've sort of been declared an outlaw in Arendia.
    Garion: Sort of?
    Lelldorin: The crown's put a price on my head, or so I understand. (Garion begins to laugh helplessly.) A true friend wouldn't laugh at my misfortunes.
    Garion: You managed to get into that much trouble in just a week?

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