Funny / Babylon Bee

Pre- 2020

• "Pope Francis Spotted Nonchalantly Smoking Large Joint"
• "Facebook Introduces New 'Heresy!' Reaction Button'. (Fun fact: there's a "Heresy!" button in real life, it's the trigger on your boltgun.)
• "Starbucks Unveils New Satanic Holiday Cups"^note A reference to the 2015 red Starbucks cup controversy.
• "The Bee Explains: Main Differences Between Popular Bible Translations". The whole thing is funny if you know about Bible translations, but there are four that stick out even if you aren't well-versed in Bibles.
  • NLT: The Not Literal Translation is very popular among those who like God's Word delivered through slang, emojis, and internet shorthand. It was developed by a group of teens in a Christian high school as a class project. Example: the NLT carefully renders John 3:16 as "lol :) #YASSS tbh"
  • KJV: The Knoweth Jesus Version has legions of disciples who herald it as the only legitimate form of the Scriptures, claiming that all others have been developed through a partnership between the New World Order and Satan himself in order to make sure they don't knoweth Jesus. KJVers contend that modern Satanic versions intentionally obscure important Christian truths like the Trinity, the divinity of Christ, and the NASA flat-earth cover-up.
  • NKJV: A coalition of Masonic cultists and homosexuals decided it would be a good idea to tamper with the KJV for some reason, ripping out sacred words like "thee" and "thine" and replacing them with words you can actually understand, giving rise to the Not Knoweth Jesus Version.
  • The Message: Renowned author and Bible scholar Eugene Peterson painstakingly translated the Scriptures from the original languages into a lit freestyle rap. Peterson reportedly spent decades undercover with a violent Detroit gang in order to develop the rich vocabulary and colorful metaphors packed into The Message. There are also rumors that heavy marijuana and LSD use aided him in his translation process.
• "The TL;DR Edition Of All 66 Books Of The Bible". The whole thing is worth a read but highlights include:
  • Genesis – God makes everything and it’s really good for about 3.2 seconds.
  • Judges – A riveting documentary on the doctrine of total depravity.
  • Job – Hebrew country music song.
  • Song of Solomon – Go ask your parents.
  • Jonah – An anthropomorphic asparagus goes on an adventure with some pirates.
  • (Matthew/Mark/Luke/John) - Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the (Messiah/suffering Servant/Son of Man/Son of God).
  • Revelation – Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist in order to save Christmas from the new world order. Thanks, Kirk!
• "To Ensure Maximum Suffering, Hell's Film Library To Contain Only Christian Movies"
  The spokesperson also confirmed that's why the Bible refers to "weeping and gnashing of teeth": those are the sounds of people watching God's Not Dead 2.
• "King James Version Finally Translated Into Biblical Greek, Hebrew".
  "If only we had completed this translation before Koine Greek fell out of use, the people who lived during New Testament times could have heard the gospel," Pastor Steven Anderson said in a YouTube video. "Sad!"
• Experts Warn Murders Will Just Occur In Back Alleys If Murder Outlawed. It may be a ham-fisted analogy for a controversial issue, but the final line is funny for how blunt it is:
  "It's better for everyone this way---well, except for the victim, but this isn't about the victim."

2020

• "New Political Bible Adds (R) Or (D) After Each Character's Name". Some highlights:
  • "For instance, if a character works a lot and is rich, they're a Republican. If a character is poor and wears sandals, definitely Democrat. Except for Jesus."
  • Balaam: Republican, Balaam's ass: Democrat
  • Judas Iscariot: Never Trumper but labeled as Democrat for accuracy's sake
• "Doom Eternal's Final Boss Demon Revealed To Be Kenneth Copeland"
• "Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out 'We're All In This Together' With Their Yachts"
• "Trump Tries To Win Suburban Women By Starring In Series Of Romance Novels"
• Party Against Fascism Begins Creating Lists Of Undesirables:
  • AOC, Biden's new Secretary of Holding Fascists Accountable, unveils her accountability plan after the 2020 election:
    Trump supporters will be tried in special accountability courts before being herded into special accountability cars and sent to accountability camps. Those who resist being held accountable will be administered special accountability with accountability guns loaded with high-powered accountability bullets.
  • The article's ending:
    Trump supporters are outraged by all the accountability and have vowed to hold AOC accountable.
• "Trump Appoints Conan The Hero Dog As New Secretary Of Defense"
  • This line:
    Trump: Best Secretary of Defense, maybe ever! Our new Secretary of Defense is a very good boy — unlike those loser ones I've appointed in the past. Sad! I'd like to see Biden find a good boy like this but he never will because he's not as smart as me. Also, he'll never be president.
  • Also:
    Max Boot: This is a dismally dark day for our dying democracy under a destructive and devious Donald Trump.

2021

• Elmo Teaches Some New X Words On Today's Sesame Street!:
  • The letter X finally returns as Letter of the Day, for the first time in decades. Elmo reveals there are new letters featuring X: "Latinx" and "Womxn". X, who is flabbergasted, finally bails in frustration when he sees the next word is "Blxck Pxxplx".
  • Elmo then decides that the new Letter of the Day will be Q, who immediately starts indoctrinating Elmo with QAnon conspiracy theories.
• "Conservative Comedy Writers VS. Liberal Comedy Writers":
  • The conservatives struggle (and fail) to come up with more than their two typical jokes: 'did you just assume my gender' & 'x identifies as y'. One of them suggests trying to debate a third joke into existence, and then wonders if God only invented two jokes and making a third would be sinful.
  • In contrast, the liberal comedy writers have all sorts of the same unoriginal joke: conservatives are dumb.
    Liberal Comedy Writer: We're gonna win so many awards.
• "Man Surprised To Learn Babylon Bee Has Full Articles To Go With The Headlines"
• "After Resigning For Sexual Harassment, Cuomo Immediately Hired By CNN": This line:
  At publishing time, CNN had confirmed the Cuomo brothers will star in a new show called "Super Cuomo Bros." where they jump on seniors' heads to murder them and throw fireballs at the elderly.
• "Calvinist Father Reads Son Heartwarming Bedtime Story 'Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God'"
• "Sorry Excuse For Apostle Only Walks On Water For Ten Feet Before Sinking"

2022

• "Dome Of Capitol Building Raised To Accommodate Nancy Pelosi's Eyebrows"
  (Chief Architect) Cornice also confirmed plans for a deeper Capitol basement to accommodate Mitch McConnell's second chin.
• "The Celebrity Dating Game with AOC!": This exchange:
  AOC: Bachelorette #1, why do you want to date me so badly?
  Bachelorette #1: I told you, I am a married Republican senator. I don't want to date any other woman besides my wife, my mistress, and my sidepiece.
  AOC: Well, you can't date me, no matter how bad you want to. I already have a boyfriend, and he's super handsome, and has weird feet—
  Bachelorette #1: If you already have a boyfriend, why are any of us here? What is this show? Why are you hiding her as a silhouette; we already know who she is! None of this makes any sense...
• "Trump Designing Much, Much Higher Wall To Keep Out Biden’s Migrant Flights". At first it just looks like another article with playful political jabs at Trump and Biden, until the ending:
  At publishing time, Trump’s new wall had already proved an effective deterrent as three planes had crashed into it.
• "Whoopi Goldberg Says Order 66 'Wasn't About The Jedi'"
  According to Goldberg, Order 66 was a complex executive order and came about due to a variety of factors, from supply chain shortages affecting power converter availability at Tosche Station to boring trade disputes on Naboo. But, no matter what the actual cause, Goldberg was insistent that the wiping out of all the Jedi "wasn't about the Jedi".
• "Man Being Devoured By Hungry Sharks Tries Apologizing To Them". The man in question being a beleaguered-looking Joe Rogan, who is eventually Eaten Alive since the sharks don't want an apology or for him to "do better" and just smell blood in the water. The punchline kills it:
  Medics arrived on the scene to find only half of a severed arm left in the water. The severed arm has been hired by The Daily Wire.
• "Study Finds 100% Of Men Would Eat Any Fruit Given To Them By A Naked Woman"
  Women around the world started to gloat upon hearing the news until Gabriel revealed they also conducted a study showing that 100% of women can be tricked by a talking snake.
• Here's How 14 Different News Outlets Covered The Will Smith Slap: The examples from the image graph:
  • Fox News: Oscars Plagued By Rise In Black-On-Black Crime
  • HuffPost: The Patriarchal Roots Of Slapping, Exposed
  • CNN: Mostly Peaceful Oscars Threatens To Distract From January 6 Commission
  • OAN: If They Hadn't Stolen The Election From Trump, This Never Would Have Happened
  • Salon: White Supremacy Has Gotten Out Of Hand
  • Snopes: FALSE: Will Did Not "Slap" Chris. Chris's Cheek Struck The Palm Of Will's Hand
  • Vox: Rethinking The Slap: Why Getting Slapped Is Actually A Good Thing
  • The Daily Wire: Will Smith DESTROYS Chris Rock With This One Simple Gesture
  • Teen Vogue: Will Smith's Totally Hot Slap And How You Can Use It On Your Genderqueer Partner In The Bedroom
  • InfoWars: Illuminati Members Stage Fake Slap To Distract Us All From Implementation Of The New World Order
  • Vice: I Slapped Myself 100 Times And Smoked Crack To Better Understand The Black Experience In America
  • The View: Hurrr Durrr hurrr duh duh durrrr...
  • Not the Bee: CHECK THIS OUT! 😂 Will Smith Straight-Up PIMP SLAPS Woke Comedian Chris Rock Reminding Us All How The Last Jedi Truly Sucked
  • The Babylon Bee: Will Smith Is The Babylon Bee's Woman Of The Year
• "Not To Be Outdone, Bill Gates Buys 9.2% Of MySpace" Also the stinger:
  At the time of publication, Jeff Bezos confirmed he's jumping into the fray with a 9.2% stake in Google+.
• "Twitter Employee Undergoes Therapy Over Elon Musk Takeover": The Twitter employee receives an Inkblot Test. She thinks almost all the images look like Nazis, except for one which looks like a lip, and a Swastika which she just identifies as the Hindu symbol for peace.
• "Junior High Scientists Recommend Social Distancing From Parents To Stop The Spread Of Lame". "Lameness" is treated like COVID, and teachers don't interfere in the battles between the students over it because they're hoping this will result in paid time off.
• "Anthropologists Now Believe All-Female Amazon Tribe Collapsed Because Nobody Could Get Any Jars Open"
  • According to an anthropology professor:
    Dr. Grastut Miluakee: There were no refrigerators in the ancient world. Most food, if it could not be cured or pickled, had to be eaten promptly. Bread, monkey brains, what have you—would spoil in a matter of days if not hours. It is likely that they lost a regular source of food and were forced to eat their preserves, which they could not access. The mighty Amazon warriors simply starved to death because they were too stubborn to ask the neighboring Trojans for aid.
  • Some counter that the Amazons could have smashed the jars, so they consult a "sociologist":
    Dr. Edward Zieglefroyd: My wife can't stand it when I break or throw away some jar without asking. She's always like—'Hey! I could've used that for my pickled rhubarb or whatever!' and then I never hear the end of it. The Amazons were likely the same. Because they're women.
• "User Was Really Enjoying App Until The App Asked If He Was Enjoying The App". Said user was irritated but grudgingly accepting when the app asked if he was enjoying the app. When it asked for a review, he went ballistic, screaming that he hadn't interviewed for a job in their PR department, "casting hexes" and vowing to get revenge on the app developers via the requested review.
• "Biden Vows To Help All Minorities Whether They Are 'Black, Yellow, Or Taco'"
• "Man Has Bizarre Fetish For A Committed, Loving Relationship With One Woman In Marriage". The entire article consists of researchers treating a Happily Married man and woman who plan to have more than two kids as a kind of grotesque sexual variant, who also have a "happiness fetish."
• "Entire Professional Soccer Team Dead After Team Bus Goes Over Slight Speed Bump"
  • After a soccer team dies from collision with a small speed bump, the sport is revamped to include things like marshmallow cleats and protective spells from Hogwarts.
  • The team "miraculously" returns to play another game of soccer.
• "Ben Shapiro Escalates Kanye Feud With Release Of Epic Diss Track"
  • Shapiro takes on the stage name "50 Shekels" and starts spitting bars against Kanye's antisemitism. It becomes funnier if you're familiar with the format of Ben's show:
    I'll take you to school
    I'll be your proctor
    You need some ice for that burn?
    Well, my wife's a doctor
  • And again:
    Despite what you think
    Jews ain't money-hungry monsters
    I'll explain it to ya more
    But first a word from our sponsor
  • He continues to rap verses with blatant Product Placement, rhyming promo code "BEN" with "Express VPN".
• "Innovative New Process Converts Plants Into Meat By Feeding Them To Cows"
• "Republicans Trick People Into Reading Spending Bill By Naming It 'Harry Potter And The $1.7 Trillion Omnibus Spending Bill'"
• "Hallmark Researchers Say They Are Close to Developing a Second Movie Plot"
  "At publishing time, millions of Hallmark movie fans had responded to news of a second movie plot with a unanimous, 'Why?'."

2023

• "Too Far: Texas Dispatches Thwomps To Guard Border". The article ends with the note that smugglers are consulting Mario about getting past the Thwomps.

• "California Achieves World's First Crime Rate Of Zero After Legalizing All Crime". California legalizes all crime. Of course, the state isn't any safer now, but there's no crime!
  At publishing time, terrified residents of the state were preparing a mass exodus to Florida for their own safety but changed their minds when they heard DeSantis ate pudding with his fingers once.

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