Funny / Asexuality Archive

• In the "Ace Umbrella" article, one of the questions is, "So... 'Demisexual'? Does that mean they only sleep with demi-gods? Demi Moore?"
• One of the "Possible Signs of Asexuality" is that the idea of wanting to have sex with a random person is "as random and unexpected as 'I would like to paint that person blue, cover them with twigs and dance around them in a circle all night.'"
  • Another is that you think sex scenes in fiction feel contrived and that it's pointless and the characters having sex should "get back to the story".
    Sometimes you can even imagine the writers meeting with their editor or producer and being told to "sex it up a bit, the ratings are off this year", and the writers just randomly drawing character names from a hat to decide who should go at it.
    • Or think porn is badly-written.
      Hypothetical Asexual Person: Oh, come on, if that sort of thing happened in real life, she'd have that doctor arrested. That guy is a terrible actor, it's like he never even bothered to look at the script. And don't even get me started on that set and how cheap it looks! It's supposed to be a doctor's office, so where's the blood pressure thingy and the jar of tongue depressors and the bed with the paper stuff? I mean, that looks like a cheap Army surplus cot from the 50's! That can't possibly be sterile! What's this now? Why is she moaning? He's not anywhere near her! What is supposed to be happening? She keeps looking directly at the camera, too. And that guy keeps getting in the way of the shot. Didn't the director plan out the scene with the actors ahead of time? Why am I even watching this?
  • On one of those lists, the author says that he once had a dream with a warning for "adult content and mature themes" that was about mortgage payments. He's also had dreams where he's told naked women that he's too busy or to put clothes on because they look cold.
    It's like the part of my brain that generates dreams didn't get the memo that I'm asexual, so it still is sending out these prompts for sex dreams, but the rest of my brain doesn't process them, so they always end up weird.
  • On another, it says that believing straight, gay and bi are the only orientations is like claiming there are people who like chicken, people who like steak, and people who like both, so claiming a vegetarian must actually like steak because they don't like chicken and "most people like steak".
• The author's response to the claim that asexuality is caused by a brain tumor is that "hour-long medical procedural TV shows should not be considered reliable sources regarding sexual orientations".
• The author's responses to being told that men can't be asexual. One is, "Man, and I was so sure I existed, too!" and another is, "I exist, therefore your hypothesis has been refuted. Please try again with a new hypothesis that supports this new evidence. That's how science gets done."
• The author saying that asexuality is not to do with overpopulation because he has plenty to eat and "evolution didn't come by one day and say, 'Well, there's a famine thousands of miles away in Africa right now and if you project out the current growth rates and consumption trends, there's gonna be problems everywhere in about a hundred years, so, you know what? I think I'm gonna make you not be interested in women[,]" because that's not how evolution works.
• "Down below works just fine. It's just I have no desire to interface my down below with anyone else's down below."

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