Funny / André the Giant

• In the Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior DVD, Andre's former manager Bobby Heenan tells a story of how Andre taught the Ultimate Warrior a lesson in respect: apparently, during a spot in a series of matches where Warrior would clothesline Andre into the ropes (where he'd get tangled up, which was a favorite spot of his to do), Warrior was hitting Andre waaaay harder than he had to. Heenan noticed his wrestler getting grumpier and grumpier as the matches went on, yet Warrior was hitting him harder and harder each time, with Andre telling Heenan, "He will learn. He will learn." Finally, during a match where Warrior went for the clothesline, instead of taking the clothesline like planned, Andre simply held up his gigantic fist for Warrior to crash his face into at full speed. Warrior goes crashing to the ropes, the force of the punch (according to Heenan) hard enough to crack Warrior's face paint. That isn't the funny part. The funny part is, after it's all said and done, the next time Warrior goes to do the spot, he does it gently and Andre sells it big for him, then Andre turned to Heenan and said: "He's learning." Bonus points for Heenan sounding exactly like Andre in The Princess Bride in his imitation.
• Another hilarious Andre story that Heenan liked to tell, was one where they were on an airplane and Andre (who was quite inebriated at the time) was fiddling with the armrest of his seat, and when the flight attendant came by to ask if he needed anything, Andre, giving up on the armrest asked for a Screwdriver (i.e. the drink). The attendant came back with an actual screwdriver, to which an exasperated Andre snarked "what would you have brought me if I asked for a Bloody Mary?" At that point Heenan took the confused attendant aside and offered her some advice: If a 7'5 500lb man, who is clearly smashed off his ass, comes onto the plane, don't give him tools!
• Mentioned on the main page, but worth repeating here; Andre refused to let anyone else pay for his meals. On this particular occasion, Andre was at lunch with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who tried to pay for the bill without Andre knowing about it. Andre, of course, got wind of it, went up to Schwarzenegger, PICKED HIM UP AND CARRIED HIM UNDER HIS ARM BACK TO THEIR TABLE. Keep in mind that this was back when Ah-nold was in his prime.
• During the 80s, when Andre was in his heyday as a face, WWE's prime time wrestling program featured an interview segment hosted by Vince McMahon with a live audience present - think The Tonight Show and you'll get the idea. On one occasion, Andre and Vince were talking, with Lord Alfred Hayes seated next to Andre, and the topic came up about the size of Andre's hands. Andre proceeded to demonstrate the size of his hand by placing it over Hayes's face... covering it completely. Vince, the audience, and Alfred himself start cracking up.
• The Andre the Giant documentary on HBO has a whole section dedicated to stories about his farts and the way the people in the wrestling business describe it is utterly hilarious..
  Tim White: I would see him go into the launch position, and I would say "Oh my god, here it comes." You never heard anything like it.
  Vince McMahon: It sounded like, you know, like a deep roar kind of like thing. It would rumble rururumrummrurumm....
  "Mean" Gene Okerlund: The sound of Andre taking a fart? Well, they were loud. Big man, big fart.
  Hulk Hogan: I remember every once in a while we charter a plane. But to see the pilots, you know, almost like someone got smoke in their eyes, I'm like "You're gonna wreck the plane Andre, you can't fart like that in your pants" and the pilots would be "G-D this, ugh Eff that! God, never on this plane again!"
  • Cary Elwes wrote about a similar incident in his The Princess Bride memoir "As You Wish". As they were filming the scene where Fezzik, Inigo, and the recently-revived Westley are scouting the entrance to the castle, Andre could no longer hold in his gas, and cut a huge fart which Elwes claimed lasted nearly twenty seconds and shook the platform they were kneeling on. Director Rob Reiner, having heard this, called up "Andre, are you all right?" and Andre replied "I am now, boss."
• Also listed under Bullying a Dragon, Andre at one point was harassed about his size by four drunks in a bar. Andre attempted to avoid confrontation, but they persisted. Eventually, he chased them out of the bar, and when they locked themselves in their car, he rolled their car over with them in it. Andre was never charged, probably because the police never believed the four drunk guys ranting about an angry giant that knocked their car over.
• During a trip to Japan in the eighties, he would often find that the toilets in the hotels he stayed at were too small for him. So he would have to crap in the bathtub. And even then, sometimes it wasn't enough; Hulk Hogan recalled a moment in his autobiography where Andre had to resort to some particularly extreme measures:
  I went down the hall to Andre's room and I could hear his booming laugh all the way at the other end of the hallway. The closer I got, the more clearly I could hear him laughing—and the more I could smell what he had done … he had taken the morning newspaper and spread it all over his bed. And since he couldn't fit on the toilet in that place and his ass was too big to hang over the tub … It looked like a three-foot pile of horse manure. And Andre was laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world.
  • American and European hotel toilets were larger, but often still too small for him, so he would sit sideways with his legs into the room.
• His "Boxing Match" with Gorilla Monsoon. This edited version doesn't do it justice. It's essential to see the whole thing.
• While living in France, André was able to drive a car by sticking his head out of the sunroof.
• Andre and Pedro Morales vs. Captain Lou Albano and Afa, August 23, 1980. Just from the description you can probably see it. Pedro plays Ricky Morton as the heels do everything in their power to keep him from tagging in Andre. Of course, Andre gets tagged in and the fun begins. At one point Afa is lying on the mat and Andre is standing on his hair. Eventually, Albano takes the hint and bails. Pedro whips Afa into Andre's boot and pins him. You can't go wrong with a comedy match with actual psychology.
• After WrestleMania VI, after Roddy Piper's infamous "Half body blackface", he had some solvent in the back to remove it after the show. You wouldn't guess it, but Andre threw the solution out and replaced it with water, with Piper trying his best to remove the paint on him to no avail. It got to the point that Roddy had to go through an Airport like that, which must've been the most awkward situation of his life.
• Hulk Hogan, in his early career (before Hulkamania) would invite particularly hot women to his matches, where he'd give them a ringside seat, so he could show off to them in particular. Andre didn't care for this, thinking Hulk was not being professional, and told him so. One night, Hulk had three lovely ladies in the front row. When Andre noticed Hulk flexing for them, Andre started working very stiff, at one point (legit) choking Hogan in a corner and yelling "NO! MORE! GIRLFRIEEEENNNNDDSS!!"
• One of Andre's final matches took place in Mexico, in a bout that also included Bad News Brown and Bam Bam Bigelow. According to both, Andre apparently had way too much to drink before the match, and as the giant went for a sit-down splash on Bad News Brown, he unleashed brown justice on the latter wrestler. Poor Bad News Brown had his face covered in Andre the Giant's crap while the bad aroma began to fill the ring.