Fan Fic: If I Was Your Nazi
Roxas and Axel are two average young men running around Germany - teasing each other about their crushes, playing chess, working part-time...
...Well, except that their part-time job is in the SS. Did we forget to mention this is World War II Nazi Germany
and the Holocaust is in full swing?
A notorious little fic, If I Was Your Nazi
takes Organization XIII from Kingdom Hearts
and rudely shoves them into the Holocaust... without
giving up their Draco in Leather Pants
status. Roxas and Axel run around being horrified by the Holocaust yet never doing anything about it, while other characters from the game pop in and out at seemingly random intervals to do nothing of much importance. In fact, WWII Germany feels a lot
like an average American high school...Horribly offensive to just about everyone who had any part in the Second World War, combined with absolutely awful beige prose
and characters so out of character
it's unbelievable, it almost has to be seen to be believed.
Oh, and Roxas and Axel are gay. Big surprise
After about fourteen chapters, the author abandoned the project, and, under much scorn, finally pulled it from Fanfiction.net. Despite this, the Snakes on a Sora
Livejournal still holds an abridged sporking of it
, Project A.F.T.E.R. has an unabridged sporking of it
, and The FanFiction Critic
did a hilarious review.
The author also wrote something of a Spiritual Successor
, which had a similar plot but instead involved the bombing of Pearl Harbor, but that story was also removed quickly. It's currently unknown if this has been MST
'd before its removal.
This fanfic contains examples of:
- Aerith and Bob: The names of the Kingdom Hearts characters are completely bizarre in Nazi Germany. Or just Germany in general. It's made worse by the author giving all the characters inexplicably German surnames.
- Adaptational Wimp: Adolf Hitler is basically presented as Mr. Burns. And his speeches are no longer the rousing, exciting, theatrical affairs they were in Real Life. Instead, they're demoted to boring.
- Anachronism Stew: Despite taking place in the 1930s/40s, the fic asserts that Roxas watched Christmas specials during Christmas. The first Christmas special didn't air on television until late in the 1950s.
- Artistic License – Geography: The street names in Berlin are awfully...not German. 'Augenstrasse' means 'eye street'. According to Google Maps, it doesn't exist.
- And you can apparently get from Berlin to Auschwitz, Poland by car in just a few hours.
- Artistic License – History: A recurring scene is Roxas and the other Org members cataloging valuables. Wow, there are a lot of shiny expensive things (the author seems to like describing them). You'd never think Germany had just come out of a massive, crippling depression.
- No-one seems to take issue with Roxas being gay (strike #1 if you're a Nazi), being a Jew (Nazi strike #2), or opposing Hitler (Strike #3! Out).
- The author seems to have failed to realise that although Hitler did have a secret bunker, he did also have another building he generally used for other things during most of his time in power. Operating from an underground hideout would just be inconvenient.
- During the Second World War, the First World War was called the 'Great War', not WW1.
- The Final Solution was implemented in 1942. This fic takes place in around 1940, when the Blitz was. Although Jews were being killed in camps before the Final Solution was implemented, the story implies that it has been going on for ages already.
- In chapter three, Axel claimed that Himmler's sister helped raise him. Himmler did have two brothers, but he didn't have any sisters.
- In the last chapter, Roxas is upset with all of the Christmas Specials that are on TV. There were no Christmas specials in the 1940s and there wouldn't be any until the late fifties to early sixties. (Ironically, one of the earliest ones is a Disney one.)
- Artistic License – Religion: In the basement of the house of a Jewish family are a bunch of glass figurines of the Virgin Mary. Why?
- Beige Prose: Somehow, this story manages to make descriptions of tormented concentration camp victims bland.
- Being An Evil Nazi Sucks: Yes. Yes, it does.
- Big Bad: Hitler, apparently, though he doesn't actually do anything.
- Department of Redundancy Department: '“This kind of thing is disgusting.” Riku said, sticking out his tongue in disgust."'
- Double Standard: Rape, Male on Male: Averted in that the supposed attempted rapist is hanged. Ouch. Although it isn't quite clear how a starving, fragile and traumatised victim of a concentration camp would even manage to attempt to rape a completely healthy, strong and physically fit SS guard.
- Everyone Can See It: Several other characters remark on how unusually touchy and close Axel and Roxas are.
- Evil Makeover: Christmas trees get one. The stars on top get replaced with swastikas.
- Felony Misdemeanor: Himmler attempting to matchmake Rikku and Axel is treated as some heinous crime. Especially ridiculous because Himmler, being Himmler, offered plenty of horrendous shit if the author wanted to villainize him.
- Gratuitous German: The author only seems to know four or five German words, which leads to "augen" ("eyes") being used for both a street name and the name of an Auschwitz guard.
- Axel's surname, von Niemand, literally means "of Nobody".
- Greedy Jew: At one point, Xemnas gives a lecture on how to identify Jews where he mentions that they cheat people on business deals to get rich.
- Hand Wave: How did Roxas make it into the SS despite the fact that he is Jewish? Hitler overlooked his background just because he's the "ideal German". How can Axel be Himmler's son? Himmler has "so many illegitimate children", as the author put it, and he's just one of them.
- High School A.U.: The entire fic feels like the author originally intended to write a high school story, but decided to make it stand out by setting it in WWII.
- How Do I Used Tense?: This fic has a lot of grammar mistakes. This line in particular stands out:
“Some people came in here and demanded that they saw the Führer. When Kairi said no, they opened fire.” Saix began.
- Hypocrite: After removing the fic, the author made a note on her account accusing everyone who criticized her of "being too sensitive" while simultaneously whining about all the criticism she was getting for it.
- In the Past, Everyone Will Be Famous: Axel's dad is Heinrich Himmler, who is portrayed in similar terms to Gendo Ikari.
- The Matchmaker: At one point, Heinrich Himmler tries to be this to Rikku and Axel.
- No Bisexuals: A classic example; Axel mentions having had crushes on some girls in grade school. Immediately afterward, he states that being in love with another boy automatically makes him gay. The fact that the author claims to be bisexual isn't helping matters.
- Not That There's Anything Wrong with That: "The occupants of the house were clearly proud of being Jewish, not that Roxas had a problem with it." (Though being a member of the SS, he probably should have...)
- Out of Character: Everyone, obviously.
- Politically Correct History: Roxas and Axel hold amazingly modern views on Hitler, the Nazis, and the Holocaust.
- According to this fic, the Holocaust happened "because people don't understand".
- The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Horribly averted in that Axel and Roxas go on patrol, visit concentration camps and seem to have active duty as SS members (all while bitching and complaining about how boring it is...)
- The Theme Park Version: The story takes place in the theme park versions of World War II and Nazi Germany. And sometimes, it's so inaccurate that even the theme park wouldn't let it in.
- Those Wacky Nazis: Impressively, this fic somehow manages to mostly avert this trope. The Kingdom Hearts characters are nowhere close to being stereotypical Nazis (with the possible exception of Seifer), mostly because of the whole Draco in Leather Pants thing going on with the Organization.
- Understatement: According to this fic, being gay in Nazi Germany was "looked down upon". LOOKED DOWN UPON.
Hanukkah wouldn’t be accepted well in the Third Reich, so this wasn’t really any surprise
- Useless Protagonist: Axel and Roxas frequently voice their very modern views on the Holocaust and Nazi policy but never actually do anything about it. Ever.
- Nor do they get punished for expressing these views, despite discussing them where other people could overhear.
- UST: Axel and Roxas, supposedly.
- During the incredibly pointless Axel-Rikku date chapters, Axel and Rikku have more UST than Axel and Roxas. Hell, Rikku and Axel come across as practically Tsundere for each other.
- Wham Line: "He frantically took a shortcut through a side alley and found himself at his destination. After walking through the doors, the redhead found himself face-to-face with Himmler, the head of the SS and Axel’s father."
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Where did Larxene go after she complained about their being too many people to experiment on?