Fan Fic: Indiana Jones Dot Com
"Indy gets teleported into the year 2008 by an evil force. Will he last or lose his mind?"Indiana Jones Dot Com
is a... strange Indiana Jones
fanfiction by THEPETEPETERSONEXPERIENCE
After venturing into a cave and getting a gold tube that grants him the power of flight, Indiana Jones finds his dad Dr. Jones
and takes him flying... but then Dr. Jones has a shocking admission: He was sent from the future to kill Indy. Needless to say, Indy doesn't handle this too well
, and Dr. Jones sends him into the future... first to the World Trade Center on September 11 (yes, THAT September 11
), and then to the year 2008. Indy is distraught by the fact that his "history is now history", but then he meets a "really cool kid" named Andy who offers to help him get back to his time period. Meanwhile, Dr. Jones is plotting to take over the world, and he does so by running for "overlord of the world" by eating Barack Obama
and John McCain.
And that's just the beginning of the sheer insanity on display.
Quite possibly the most insane and surreal Indiana Jones
fanfiction ever written, the story is full of spelling errors, characters acting out of character, and generally makes no sense whatsoever.
This Fan Fic provides examples of:
- Anachronism Stew: Coming from the author of Red Dead Redemption But With A Good Ending, this was to be expected. Some of it can be excused by time travel, but we still have Indy singing a Nicki Minaj song in Chapter 12, explicitly after he was sent back in time again (or something...). Never mind the fact that a guy from the '30s even knows what rap is.
- Ass Shove: The gold tube is activated by sticking it up one's ass.
- Barack Obama: Shows up and declares "We need change! No more motherfucking bullshit in the White House!", only to be eaten by Dr. Jones so he can become overlord of the world.
- Big Damn Heroes: Just when it looks like Indy's about to be raped by Prince and Prince Fucklestein, Marion saves the day with her airplane made entirely of chainsaws.
- Black Comedy Rape: Steven Spielberg, Andy, Prince Fucklestein, and Prince the singer all attempt to rape Indy at various points in the fic; the latter two actually succeed...except for the fact that the author claims they didn't in the next chapter. It's notable that both Andy and Prince Fucklestein only tried to do so after Indy castrated them.
- Butt Monkey: Indy. Let's see... his own father is trying to kill him, he's been warped through time into the year 2008, he finds out that he's a fictional character, gets beat up often, and just about everyone he meets ends up betraying him.
- Celebrity Paradox: Addressed, if in a rather inconclusive way; Harrison Ford (or, rather, "HARRISON FORD", as it's constantly rendered in-story) shows up, and the narration states that he and Indy look alike and "[are] the same person"...but a few sentences later, he dies and is never mentioned again.
- Chainsaw Good: Marion has a plane made entirely of chainsaws.
- The Chew Toy: Indy again.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Frequently.
- Crack Fic
- Curb-Stomp Battle: Even though he doesn't win, Indy does this to Andy in their fight in chapter 5. Andy manages to "bitchslap" Indy, but Indy spends the rest of the fight easily beating him up, literally curb stomping him, and even whipping his dick off. The only reason Andy won is because he showed Indy his "lizard tong", which scared Indy so badly he passed out.
- Crossover: With Star Wars, several times; an Imperial Star Destroyer appears (piloted by George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and for some reason, George W. Bush), which Indy proceeds to pull down from orbit with the Force "like startkiller in STAR WARS THER FGORCE INLEASHED".
- Demon Lords and Archdevils: Dr. Jones, in his true identity of "jobens", is revealed in Chapter 8 to be a General of Hell...and yet is still human. And it doesn't seem to have much impact on the story.
- Diabolus Ex Nihilo: A rather bizarre example appears in the form of the inexplicably malevolent steam shovel that randomly attacks Indy in the desert; within the next few sentences, Indy "kicked [its] ass by flipping it over".
- Disintegrator Ray: "marion started disteingereate. all cuz of a beam spiltter used by...DOCTOR JOBEMS"
- Face-Heel Turn: Indy gets betrayed by his own father, Andy, Prince, and even his own hat.
- Fish out of Temporal Water: Indy, having been sent through time from the 1930s to first 2001 and then 2008.
- George W. Bush: Shows up to fight Indy for no reason whatsoever. And then disappears just as quickly.
- Groin Attack: Indy manages to whip Andy's dick off, and later punches Prince Fucklestein's "funking balls off".
- I'm a Humanitarian: Dr. Jones has the ability to suck people into his mouth and gain their powers.
- Insult Backfire: Happens in Chapter 6, with Dr. Jones and Andy (who has transformed into a snake):
Dr. Jones: U snake!
Andy: thank U.
- Kamehame Hadoken: In chapter 8, Indy discovers that shoving the gold tube even further up his ass gives him the power to shoot energy blasts.
- Made of Explodium: The Titanic explodes, after Indy... hits it with his whip.
- Mega Manning: Dr. Jones can assimilate the powers and knowledge of anyone he "absops" by sucking them into his mouth; through this method, he gains the combined powers of Barack Obama and John McCain (whatever the hell those might be...), and later acquires the knowledge needed to fly a plane by eating a random pilot.
- Midquel: This fanfiction is supposedly set "after the 3rd movie but before the crystal skoal".
- Mind Screw: The fic starts off weird, and just gets more and more nonsensical as it goes on.
- Name's the Same: Andy shares the same name as Evil Inspector Andy from some of the author's other stories. It's not specified if they're the same character, but considering that both are evil, it's possible.
- Furthermore, he also responds to an insult from another character with, "Thank you," practically a trademark of Evil Inspector Andy.
- Offing the Offspring: Dr. Jones was sent from the future to kill his son. Don't ask how that works.
- Potty Failure: Dr. Jones soils himself while getting beaten up by Short Round.
- Prince: Shows up when Indy asks for his help... only to quickly betray and try to rape him before being killed by Marion's chainsaw plane. Notably, he's often referred to as "O(+>)", the "love symbol" he changed his name to in the 90s.
- Reptiles Are Abhorrent: Andy, when he shows off his "lizard tongue" and turns into a snake. In fact, when Dr. Jones calls him a snake as an insult, Andy thanks him.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: All over the damn place.
- Say It with Hearts: Characters frequently yell, "!", when surprised or scared.
- Shout-Out: To Pokémon, in Chapter 7; Indy, George Lucas, and Steven Spielberg inexplicably get into a turn-by-turn battle done in the style of the Pokemon games. And in Chapter 8, the government woman who sends Indy on his mission is described as being "like moya from infamous 1 (which is a kick azz game)".
- Sssssnake Talk: Andy after transforming into a snake.
- Take That: Chapter 2 has derogatory references to "an ugly geekazoid name kaiser snotnote and his gay friends", who are apparently flamers of the author. And Kaiser Scott is described as "the most despicable loser alive".
- Toilet Humor: When Indy and Andy are watching Indy 4 at a movie theater, the movie suddenly cuts to footage of Indy on the toilet taking "the biggest dump ever". And near the end, Indy and Marion crash into a "sewer tower" that literally floods the area with shit that they have to swim through. Andy and Dr. Jones appear to drown in it... although as of chapter 8, while the verdict's out on Andy, Dr. Jones got better. Meanwhile, in Chapter 7, Prince Fucklestein's entire culture seems to revolve around faeces; they worship a tower of shit (which Indy accidentally destroys), and later carry Indy away on an elephant with a "saddle made of pure shit".
- Tomato in the Mirror: Indy learns that he's a fictional character. He doesn't take it very well.
- Unfortunate Implications: In chapter 6, Indy and Marion encounter "a gay car" full of homosexuals that try to fight Indy, who says "faggots. i hate faggots." But he manages to beat them without any trouble "because they were gay". Of course, this is nothing new for the author.
- Villain Team-Up: Dr. Jones and Andy join forces in chapter 6.
- Voluntary Shapeshifting: Andy is a "transimorphigarpp", which means he can take any shape he wants.
- Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: Duh, it's Indiana Jones. Andy is able to exploit this fear once he betrays Indy... because he himself is a snake. Or to be more exact, a "TRANSIMORPHIGARPP!"
- Would Hurt a Child: Not only does Dr. Jones fight Short Round, he also holds grabs a kid at the top of a roller coaster and holds him over the edge while threatening "i will fucking drop him to shit!"