JodyOne of the book's central characters. She gets turned into a vampire at the start of the novel.
- Cursed with Awesome: In general Jody loves being a vampire.
- How Do I Shot Web?: Jody is literally abandoned under a dumpster and has no idea how to use her vampiric abilities at first.
- Waif-Fu:"A five-and-a-half-foot woman put the three of you big strong guys in the hospital?""Yeah. We was just mindin' our own bidness. She come in and axed for some change. James tell her no, he got to put a load in the dryer, and she go fit-one-fifty on him. She a ninja."
Thomas FloodJody's love interest. A wannabe writer from Indiana who is living in San Francisco to get inspiration. He works the graveyard shift at a Safeway along with the rest of the night crew known as The Animals.
- And I Must Scream: He gets encased in a bronze statue for months, and since he hasn't mastered the ability to become Super Smoke, he goes insane.
- Easily Forgiven: He gets forgiven for having sex with his unconscious girlfriend, putting her in a freezer, encasing her in bronze... Let's just say he would probably be let off for starting World War III.
- Heroes Want Redheads: Tommy naturally falls for red-haired Jody.
- I Just Want to Be Normal: After wanting to be special and then getting some Super Empowering, he wants to be normal again. Gosh, make up your mind.
- I Just Want to Be Special: In book 1. In book 2, wish granted.
- Likes Older Women: He has elements of this, as demonstrated by the fact that he's willing to immediately shack up with a woman seven years his senior.
- Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette: In the first book at least, the associations of this trope are inverted, as it's the redhead who's the vampire.
Abby NormalAn upbeat teenage goth girl introduced in You Suck. She does Jody and Tommy's legwork in the daytime when they can't get out and do things themselves.
- First-Person Smartass: Only Abby's chapters are narrated in the first person.
- Jumped at the Call: Abby was thrilled to find out that vampires actually existed and immediately consigned herself to be their errand girl.
- Kiss-Kiss-Slap: A literal example. Abby slaps her boyfriend Steven AKA "Foo Dog" after kissing him so he doesn't think she's a slut. She does this every time she kisses him.
- Nightmare Fuel Station Attendant: Played for humour. Jody's legs had been slow cooked in her jeans while she was asleep during the day. Abby walks in on her and describes the sight as "naked, burned-up thighs and her totally red pubes".
- Punny Name: Abby Normal (Abnormal)
Elijah Ben-SapirThe original vampire who turned Jody. His vampirism was a side-effect of an alchemical attempt to obtain immortality. Also discovered teflon about 600 years before its modern widespread use.
- I Love You, Vampire Son: He wants to have this kind of relationship with another vampire, but since he sits firmly in the Betrayal stage of monster grief, it sets quite a rift between him and any younger vampires.
The EmperorA homeless man living in San Francisco based on real-life counterpart Emperor Norton. An all-around nice guy who loves the people of his city and takes his job seriously.
The AnimalsOriginally Thomas' coworkers, turned vampire minions or vampire hunters depending on circumstances.
- Cloudcuckoolander: All of them in different ways.
- Quirky Miniboss Squad/Redshirt Army: Depending what side they're on.
- Really Gets Around: Simon. Deconstructed in that his lifestyle of constant casual sex and drug use ends up giving him AIDS.
- Undeath Always Ends: In You Suck The Animals all get turned into vampires and then turned back almost as quickly.
- Vertical Kidnapping: Bite Me! has one of the Animals vertically kidnapped by Chet, the huge vampire kitty. He's pretty much eaten right away, but still.
- Who's Watching the Store?: Semi-justified in that The Animals seem to alternate between goofing around when they're supposed to be working, going off somewhere to do something crazy when they're supposed to be working and working double time to make up for all the time they don't spend working.