Berserk Button / Judge Judy

Judge Judy has several things that are a rant-inducing slight, or cause her to become annoyed with the litigants in court. Most of these can be avoided with simple politeness, common courtesy, and sufficient preparation to make your case in front of Her Honor. But suffice to say, there's a long list of annoyances that Her Honor has to put up with. The list also applies to Judy Justice, as her new show hasn't mellowed her one bit.

• Don't answer her questions with "Um" or stammer over your words instead of "Yes" or "No." She'll immediately shoot back with "'Um' is not an answer!"
• Don't use filler words such as "basically" or "like" or “you know.”
• Don't use egregiously incorrect grammar or syntax - saying "tooken" instead of "taken" is a common example she encounters. Most times she'll let you off with a quick but curt correction, but if your English (spoken or written) is remarkably bad (unless it's obvious English is not your first language), she may make you look like a fool and even offer a comment about how America is going down the toilet because people no longer know how to write or speak properly.
• Don't interrupt her, unless you want to hear one of her favorite Catch Phrases.
• Don't yawn. You will likely be called out for it.
• Don't interrupt your adversary's testimony, even if said testimony is a lie. If you interrupt too often, your case will likely be dismissed, especially if Judge Judy has already told you to be quiet.
• Don't try Obfuscating Stupidity; she can see right through it:
  Judge Judy: Don't give me the dumb routine. If you're dumb, I'll know you're dumb. If you give me a dumb routine, I know it's a dumb routine. I know the difference, sir.
• Don't wear casual or revealing clothing to court (including a hat or sunglasses, unless there is a medical reason for having them on). It may affect your credibility. In one early case, Judge Judy responded to a plaintiff who refused to remove her hat in court by dismissing the plaintiff's case, without prejudice, without even hearing it.
• Don't look away from her when testifying. If you do, she will quickly remind you to look at her.
• Don't pour a glass of water while she is talking to you. Judge Judy wants your undivided attention when she addresses you.
• Don't call her "Judy", "Miss," or "Miss Judy". Calling her "Judge Judy" is fine, but not just "Judy". If you do, she will interrupt and remind you that you're not friends, and this isn't a talk show; therefore you cannot be on a First-Name Basis.
• Don't sue someone and then not bring the relevant documents, or not bring a witness vital to your case. If you do that, expect a tongue-lashing about your idiocy.
  Judge Judy: Where did you think you were coming today? To the beach?
  • Similarly, if you do forget to bring the appropriate evidence or witness, don't ask the judge to gather your evidence for you - for example, by calling the witness on the telephone, calling your bank for a copy of your bank statements, etc. Judge Judy will remind you that the responsibility to gather evidence is yours, not the judge's, and that a witness having to work is not an excuse to not bring said witness to court unless the witness is in the military. ^note She does occasionally take testimony over the telephone, but never at a litigant's suggestion; the purpose of doing so is usually to gauge, independent of previous testimony, whether a litigant is telling the truth. She's discovered several litigants as liars this way. However, a litigant's asking her to telephone a witness is suspect, as Judge Judy will assume that said witness is expecting the call and thus the witness' honesty and impartiality will be in doubt.
• If your husband/wife/domestic partner assaulted you, damaged your property, etc., don't sue for damages for that event if you reconciled with your partner afterward. Judge Judy will point out that the law considers this condonation of the assault, property damage, etc.
• Don't sue your landlord if you continued to stay without paying rent. Any chance of winning the case once that is known is slim to none, because squatters are one of Judge Judy's pet peeves. Expect also to be the recipient of one of Her Honor's trademark catchphrases:
  Judge Judy: You ate the steak.
• Don't come into court with unclean hands: for example, driving an uninsured car. Usually such cases are swiftly dismissed, because courts don't help people who break the law.
• Don't come to court late. Judge Judy may spend as much time chewing you out for it as on the case at hand.
• Don't come to court drunk or high. Drunk or stoned litigants annoy Judge Judy because, in addition to the litigant's lack of respect for the court, she can't ask questions if she believes the litigant is an "altered" state of mind. On occasion, she has actually halted a case and asked a litigant who was acting loopy to submit to a drug test. If the litigant refuses, she will dismiss the litigant's case, usually without prejudice.
• Don't play with your papers. Occasionally, Judge Judy has had Byrd confiscate the documents of a litigant who could not keep from shuffling them around.
• Don't take too long to answer one of Judge Judy's questions or to find a piece of evidence she asks you for. She will almost always prompt you to hurry up by yelling and/or rapping on her desk.
• Don't contradict your written complaint or response in your in-court testimony. Since both are provided under oath, one has to be a lie.^note If it was an honest mistake, she hates it equally when litigants are unable to use the phrase, "I don't know."
• Don't speak incoherently; it may affect your credibility:
  Judge Judy: Those who babble usually are lying.
• Do not attempt to show Judge Judy a signed affidavit. She won't even look at it because she will be unable to cross-examine the witness.^note She only accepts signed affidavits if the person is physically unable to attend and has a doctor's orders, the person is dead, is part of the public service (such as another judge or in the military) or attorney.
• Don't try to introduce hearsay as evidence.^note "Hearsay" in this case meaning "I heard this person say this thing." Such testimony isn't admissible in court. Judge Judy will frequently comment "don't tell me what [they] said" when this comes up. She'll also get quite angry if the litigant persists in trying to introduce hearsay into the case despite her warnings. There is only one time hearsay is allowed and that is with young children are involved in sensitive matters. This also extends to letters written to the judge: Judge Judy will refuse to read even notarized letters a litigant tries to enter into evidence if the person who wrote the letter isn't present in court.
• Don't tell Judge Judy about what someone else was thinking or what they knew. If you do, she'll tell you that you can't do that because that's speculation and calls for the operation of someone's mind.
• Don't bring a witness to court unless they're directly involved with your case. Otherwise, Judge Judy will typically identify your witness as somebody "just here to annoy [her or your adversary]," and unfailingly treats this classification as the first order of business. She may even remove your witness from the courtroom before the case even starts. If you have a minor son or daughter as a witness, she'll typically have the child removed right away, so the child won't have to witness whatever tongue-lashings she has in store for you.
• Don't argue with Judge Judy when she's explaining the law to you. If you do, she'll berate you.
  Judge Judy: When you go to law school and pass the bar and become a judge, then you can argue with me.
• Don't ask Judge Judy questions. She'll remind you that you aren't in the position to do so.
• Don't swear, unless you are giving testimony and recalling something you or the other litigant said regarding the event in question. ^note Judge Judy will sometimes insist on it, as she wants to get as accurate a picture of what was said or done in a case as possible, and will call out a litigant if she thinks they are being inaccurate in their testimony. Otherwise, cursing is a surefire way to get thrown out of court and your case dismissed. In a real courtroom, this is considered Contempt of Court, and can result in sanctions imposed by the judge. ^note On Judge Judy's first sister show, Judge Joe Brown, the judge would often fine litigants $100 for cursing outside of the context of recalling the events of a case.
• Don’t continue to argue with Judge Judy after she's made her ruling. If you do, she might return to the bench to berate you.
• Don't argue with Judge Judy about the relevance of a question she asks you. Accept that she knows what she's doing and answer her questions honestly; otherwise she'll wipe up the floor with you. Refusal to answer a question will usually result in your case being dismissed.^note An exception is when the question is about a legal proceeding ongoing in another court, in which case Judge Judy can't take any testimony regarding that issue since she's not the judge hearing that case.
• Don't ask for damages for minutiae such as food, household products, or makeup. Her Honor will be quick to remind you that she didn't complete nine years of post-graduate legal education to hear such cases.
• If you're a non-custodial parent, don't try to claim you support your child when all you do is buy necessities such as food, formula, clothes, etc. Judge Judy will point out that this doesn't count as child support, and she doesn't go any easier on women than men for this.
• Do not explain the law to her. She will remind you that she has been studying law for decades.^note The only exception to the rule if it is a law that is only in one state that she doesn't know much about or practice in, such as New Hampshire not requiring auto insurance, unlike most other states. If this happens, she will typically go back into her office to review the information to make sure she has accurate information. She did pass the New York state bar exam in 1965.
• Don't ask Judge Judy to divide property or go though joint bank records if you aren't married. She will remind people that courts exist for married people and doesn't get involved for people who "play house". In fact, don't ask her to do this even if you are married; she'll remind you that divorce court, and not small claims court, is the proper place to bring such actions.
• Likewise, Judge Judy will not hear cases related to child custody, visitation, etc., as she has no power to make such decisions; she can only offer litigants advice as to what she feels should happen.
• Don't try to sue for damages for a claim that was already resolved in another court. Judge Judy will become infuriated if she learns litigants are trying to use her court for a second "bite of the apple."
  • Also, don't try to sue for damages for an action that remains active in another court (that is to say, the case was not withdrawn from court in the litigants' jurisdiction before bringing it before Judge Judy). She considers such lawsuits premature as awarding of damages will depend on the original judge's decision, and she will refuse to take any testimony or see any evidence in such situations.
• Do not try to seek damages for an action outside the scope of the written complaint and/or counterclaim - for example, if you're a defendant, don't ask the judge to award damages against the plaintiff if you have not filed a counterclaim. Judge Judy can only consider the facts of the case as acknowledged by the litigants before she hears the case and won't consider any extraneous information irrelevant to the case.
• Don't sue someone if you haven't served your adversary with a copy of the lawsuit. In such cases, unless she sees proof that your adversary was in fact served, Judge Judy will dismiss the entire case without prejudice, because a litigant is entitled to know what their adversary is suing them for and to prepare a defense.
• Do not abuse the system, such as getting a temporary restraining order to evict someone or using loopholes to cheat the system for money. Doing that will cause her to berate you to the point that she will dismiss your claim quickly and will sometimes award the other party the maximum amount allowed ($5,000) even if the other party didn't request that much as she feels it is a gross abuse of the system and takes time away from people with legitimate cases. In addition, litigants who try to scam the system stand no chance with Judge Judy because they have unclean hands.
• Do not try to approach her at the bench in order to talk with her directly or giving her evidence. That is Officer Byrd's job. Judge Judy or Office Byrd will typically give a pass the first time this happens as it is common mistake.^note This area is called "the well" and is very typical with real court rooms. You only approach the bench if she allows. However, when taking testimony from small children, Judge Judy often invites the children up to the bench. She has also asked adults to the stand if they are a major witness to an event and both the parties are not on good terms with the witness.
  Judge Judy: The only people I allow that close to me are my Shih Tzu and Byrd. [audience laughs]
• Do not try to sue for false arrest and have been found guilty to the charge. Any chance that you had in the case will quickly be dismissed. She will remind you that while you may have taken a plea deal, in the eyes of the law you are still guilty and not allowed to sue for damages to something that you admitted to doing. Even if you were found not guilty, regardless of whether you did commit the act, you may lose anyway, because you're not entitled to damages unless you can prove that the other party acted with malice in accusing you.
• Even if you're only a witness and not the plaintiff or defendant, you are still expected to behave properly in front of Judge Judy. Displaying attitude, whether verbally or non-verbally, will often be enough reason for Judge Judy to throw you out of her courtroom.
  Judge Judy: [after having Byrd take a defendant's witness out of court right at the beginning of the case] Thank you, Byrd; he was slouching. It was an "attitude" slouch.