We open at night, with Logan driving back to the mansion. He sniffs around, detecting something off. He finds the mansion's door unlooked, so he bears his claws and goes sniffing around. Logan's (I can't believe I'm writing this) aroma vision (ugh) shows him Bobby being attacked by some silver shurikans, and then by a black-clad Ninja. Oh good God, please don't go there. Not that, anything but that!
Aroma-vision shows Emma being taken out by gas shurikans, and yes, gas shurikan bombs are as stupid as it sounds. Good job on that telepathy BTW, Emma. You could see the Brotherhood coming from outside the mansion, but some low-rent Ninja somehow got past your powers. We aroma-see Beast getting taken out with no effort, then Kitty gets stopped by gas shurikans. We even see her phase through the table when she passes out. So... she can breath while phased. Despite air (and gas) being matter. The stuff she passes through when phased!
We're a minute-thirty into this episode people. This is going to be a long climb...
We aroma-see Scott and Storm taken out, though they at least get the dignity of landing a few blows on the Ninja before being punked out. Then Logan finds Rogue tied up with a bag over her head. She tells him that one of the guys knew Logan and won't return the X-Men unless Logan fights him. Wait, what happened to Tilde? You know, the "Omega level" mutant from the mid-point of the series? How'd they take her? Anyway, Logan smells the air around her and...
Please don't. Not this. Please...
He sees the Silver Samurai.
Cue the title sequence.
Cut to Logan, in a black outfit now, getting on his bike. Rogue doesn't want to leave until he explains what's going on, and he finally does, saying that it's about a woman. In Japan, thus prompting a flashback. Is there anything worse in all of the X-Men than Samurai Logan in Japan?
There was Mariko, who Logan fell for. But her father didn't want her to marry some Gaijin; she was to marry Harada, a member of the Yakuza. So they fought a duel.
Harada's mutant power is the ability to make his sword cut through anything. Right, because that makes total sense. But that's irrelevant, because they were fighting by the "Samurai code" that disallows mutant powers. Really? The Samurai actually have a prohibition against mutant powers listed as a tenant of Bushido? Have there been mutants for hundreds of years? Or was this just a recent addition, and if so, by who? They're both mutants, so it's not like it's an unfair advantage. Besides, does it mean Logan gives up his adamantium bones and healing factor to fight?
Anyway, Logan wins. Of course he does; obviously the few years Logan spent learning the Katana prepared him for a duel against a man who's been training since birth. He commands the fallen Harada to yield, but Mariko interferes, telling Logan that she wants him to go away.
Logan and Rogue have reached the Japanese embassy, which Logan has decided to break into on the assumption Harada's inside. That's always a good idea. Rogue asks what he wants, since he got Mariko; Logan says that he wants a duel to the death.
After the commercial, we see Logan and Rogue sneaking through the embassy. He finds Mariko, wearing a very stylish business suit. After some talk, Logan demands to know why Harada wants to fight after all this time. She admits that he's trying to become leader of his Yakuza clan, but that requires wiping his past of failure. Like his failure to beat some random Gaijin in an honor duel. She extracts a promise not to face her husband in exchange for telling him where the X-Men are. So she tells him about a warehouse, and he disappears.
Harada bursts in, accusing Mariko of betraying him. She says that the fight is foolish. He thinks she's trying to protect Logan, but she's really trying to keep him from getting himself killed. He pulls his hand back to slap her and she flinches, like it's not an uncommon occurrence. Of course, it's a kid's show, so nothing comes of this. Instead, he calls his Ninja at the warehouse.
Cut to the warehouse, where the X-Men are just lying there, unbound and everything. Logan breaks in, with Rogue following. A group of Ninja jumps them, and Logan tells Rogue to run while he takes them out. She just waits for him to finish and takes their "highly trained" skills. She starts dual-wielding and says, "I just learned Bushido." Then why aren't you committing Sepukku for that line? Anyway, she attacks some new Ninjas with her skills and kills them off screen. And no, I'm not kidding; it's clear from the animation and the sounds they make that she cut them just off screen.
After some random fighting of Ninja, the Silver Samurai appears through a wall. He throws another gas Shurikan at them, which takes out both Logan and Rogue. Logan hobbles to Harada, mocking him for having to use gas to win a fight. When Harada charges his sword to strike the final blow, the guy with Harada agrees with Logan. The two will fight another honor duel, with Katanas and no mutant powers, blah blah blah. And they take Rogue before leaving.
And thus, the last 10 minutes didn't matter at all. The fight's going ahead as scheduled.
After the commercial, cut to Logan and Charles, talking. Logan's upset about dragging the X-Men into his past. You and me both. Charles points out that he had no control over that. Logan's concerned that he's lost his Samurai skill, since he's been a brawler for so long. So Charles decides to pull the training out of his mind and run him through it again. He creates an image of Logan's former teacher, who immediately starts hurling abuse at Logan. I like him already.
What follows is a solid minute of padding. Oh, I mean padding. I mean a training padding montage padding. At the end, the teacher says that Logan sucks, but it no longer revolts him to look at Logan. I wish the same could be said about me looking at this episode.
Cut to that night, when the two meet up. Mariko begs Harada not to fight, but he does anyway, claiming that Logan's anger will unbalance him. Yeah right. The guy who was with Harada before speaks to deliver padding by outlining the rules we've heard before. You know, padding.
They fight. During the fight, Harada says that Mariko keeps looking at Logan, so she'll be punished after the fight. This pisses Logan off, as expected. They fight some more, then Harada says that the only reason he married Mariko was to spite Logan. He never really wanted her. Again, this pisses Logan off, who takes Harada down.
After forcing Harada to the ground with his sword on his chest, Logan tells him to yield before Logan runs him through. But Harada calls on his mutant power to cut up Logan's sword. Wait, what? If he could do that, then he could just push Logan's sword away; he didn't need to invoke his powers at all. Anyway, Harada beats Logan down for a while, then is about to take Logan's head.
But is stopped by the unnamed Yakuza guy from before, who throws his sword and uses more gas shurikans to take out Harada. He declares the match over because Harada cheated, and has him carried away. He also says that the X-Men will be returned within the hour.
Logan and Mariko discuss things. Harada will be thrown from the Yakuza for, you know, sucking, but she's still his wife, so she has to be with him. Logan asked why she picked Harada in the first place. Apparently, the Yakuza would have slain them both her and Logan, so she picked the only "honorable" solution. Maybe you should look up what that word means, lady. Anyway, Logan points out that he could have freed her by killing him, but she says that he'd be a murderer and not the man she loved. And I can't even want to give a damn at this point.
Mercifully, the episode ends.
Remarks
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have officially hit rock bottom.
Oh, there were bad episodes before. There was hack writing, cliché dialog, and such. But every other episode in the series had some potential. There was a chance that it could have worked, ideas and concepts that could have been salvaged.
But not this.
This was atrocious from start to finish, ill conceived in both idea and execution. It serves no purpose in the overall storyline. It says nothing about any character. The villain is bland and boring, the hero is never in any real danger, the other characters barely exist. The story is so thin that the episode is padded to hell just to fit its 22 minute running time. Crappy ideas, crappy plot, crappy characterization, crappy action, crappy execution. This episode fails on every possible level.
On the plus side, the next episode will be better. God knows it can't get worse.
