Welcome back liveblog brethren to yet another installment of the Bratz Megaliveblog. Bratz Rock Angelz Part 3!
When we last saw the Bratz, Yasmin was mad at Cloe, Jade was mad at Sasha and Dylan's inability to ask a girl out had summoned Burdine. What now? Is the jig up? Are the Bratz trapped in London with no way home, forced to sell their Cameron and Dylan's bodies to creepy old men and eventually start a full blown prostitution ring that'll be caught in 2036, when they're all too hardened to even remember the glimmer of hope that was their magazine?
Naw, of course not, this is a Bratz movie. Burdine gets thrown in the worst room at the hotel (where the anorexic dog pees on her bed) and we move on with the 'plot'. Note: The hotel in London looks exactly like the office Bratz magazine moves into in Genie Magic, so they reuse both people and locations, how cost-effective.
The next day on the streets of London, Sasha takes lots of pictures of people who all look like they have weird genetic conditions due to the animators lack of budget. We see some of the two most prominent extras (the goth girl with pink hair and the blond boy band member) but Sasha doesn't get a photo-op, as Kool Kat (Eurghhh) blocks the lens. Jade wants to take some pictures too, but the camera powers down due to having (according to Sasha) no more memory.
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Anyways, Jade hasn't taken a single picture but Sasha assures her that she'll take some soon. Sasha has also taken the opportunity to plan the whole day due to Jade's inability to think about non-clothing related things for more than four seconds, but Jade is still angry. She goes along with Sasha anyway. In the hotel, Yasmin is frantically hitting random keyboard keys... I mean writing an article about the world's largest observation wheel when Jade and Sasha come back. Yasmin (whose voice has gotten really deep for some reason) is relieved to see them, since Cloe ditched her to continue her fling with the royal, but Sasha and Jade aren't talking to each other for some reason. They also avoid Yasmin and slam some doors. Still in the hotel, Kirstee and Kaycee are trashing the Bratz for naming a magazine after themselves. Burdine doesn't care, all she wants is payback for stealing their room (You could do that RIGHT NOW lady), daring to start a magazine and trying to outscoop them. She'll take down their magazine even if her plan somehow kills the Tweevils. Sadly, the Tweevils are so shocked that they burn some of Burdine's clothing.
In the Bratz room, Yasmin is still typing, but Nigel and Cloe are there. Cloe is trying out her horrid English accent and asking if the girls would like some tea. Sasha reminds her that she hates tea and that her voice sounds like it's been ravaged by seventy consecutive cigarettes. Cloe doesn't bother answering, she merely orders her tea and goes back to hanging on the royal twits every word about Croquet (NOW YOU MENTION THE NAME). He calls Cloe his Pretty Princess and Yasmin answers. Cloe makes it all a fun joke, they're both nicknamed "Pretty Princess"! How funny!. Nigel says the nickname "Peaches" suits her better because he's a twat and then leaves. As soon as Nigel is gone, Cloe's voice is back to normal (Lesson: Change yourself to impress rich men!). Cloe thinks he's awesome, but nobody else really likes him or has an opinion. Jade walks up to where Sasha is working on her computer, where Sasha rudely asks her to say what's on her mind. Jade thinks Sasha is a controlling psycho and says so, Cloe tells them to calm down but Sasha makes her butt out since she has no reason to even be here instead of camping out at Nigel's doorstep so she can say "good morning" to him. Jade mentions that she's leaving all their work to Yasmin, but Cloe says Yasmin doesn't mind due to being brought up with maids who did everything for her and were fired if they tried to 'mind' or something. Of course Yasmin minds and tells her she better make the opening of PINZ. Obviously she can't because she has a Very Important Dinner at Nigel's. The girls call her on her stupidity and lack of priorities and Cloe decides to take some time off. It's time for a 911: Communication Breakdown, how is Cloe supposed to decide between a duke and her friends? Cloe hon, they're right, you practically don't even know what priority is.
As I wonder if this movie's script was stolen from the High School AU's of fanfiction.net the boys come in to report on Burdine and the Tweevils, but the Bratz are too angry to hear them.
We get Kool Kat (Eurghhh) scene transition and we're watching a montage of the Bratz doing stuff by themselves set to a song about how nobody understands the singer (no, it's not by Simple Plan). Jade takes some pictures of goth people and royal guards (Because that's all there is in London?), after an 'Angel' eyecatch Cloe paces around thinking about her 'Dilemma', a 'Pretty Princess' eyecatch later and Yasmin is walking around London with that dog again. When it's over we see someone preparing a photo spread on a horrid background, it's Sasha. She looks at Jade's pictures (Two of which are just hers flipped vertically which you'll notice since Jade doesn't even take them in her portion of the montage) and calls them Super Stylin. Cloe is wearing her 'Treasures' outfit with some heels instead of boots and about to head out with Nigel, who calls her outfit unacceptable (But you can wear that one suit everyday?) and tells her to dress more like the Tweevils (who were spying outside the Bratz door). Cloe pitches the punk club to Nigel, who immediately hates it cause he's rich, stuffy and British. The Tweevils obsess over Nigel (the scene uses the same visual from when Cloe first saw him on the plane for some reason) since he's rich and Kirstee calls dibs but Sasha throws them out. Nigel calls her rude for kicking out people who were spying on them because he find them attractive, all while standing next to Cloe, who doesn't immediately dump him (Yet another great lesson learned from Bratz Rock Angelz!). Cloe leaves and for some reason the other three Bratz are standing in front of a generic background and scream "EWWW".
Later, Sasha shows Jade an article using all one of her pictures (she apparently cut one out for some reason) and they make up. Yasmin and the guys come in and everybody's happy, so of course it's time to go shopping according to Sasha.
Set to a song about being "Pretty n Punk" (you might remember it from Bratz The Movie) the girls dance around in their... surprise! Pretty n Punk outfits. They also introduce Cameron and Dylan to obsessive consumerism (and slashfic, as they change in the same dressing room for no reason). The all dance around the dressing room, happy after spending more of their parents unlimited moneys supply and the montage is over.
At Nigels suddenly better looking Mansion (Did they renovate in the space of less than seven minutes?) Cloe is standing outside wistfully gazing at the stars. Nigel comes out and asks her to come back inside. Cloe brings up the PINZ opening again and Nigel calls it 'low class' and tacky, but Cloe says punk clubs rule (What is the target audience for this again?), he then calls her friends uncouth and that's the final straw for her. She calls him a royal jerk and he tells her she's way out of line because it's the 1800s or something. Cloe is also pissed at all the use of the nickname "Pretty Princess" because her real nickname is "Angel". You go girl! Kirstee interrupts them and Nigel puts his moves on her. Cloe realizes she's the seventieth in a line of blonde blue eyed girls who the Duke has used the "I've never felt this way about a girl before" and "Pretty Princess" lines on as soon as he moves in on Kirstee and leaves in a huff. Much like Cloe's meeting with the Duke Kirstee can see Big Ben, unlike that, she falls off the balcony in a sea of pink sparkles and Nigel is off to look for the next blonde.
Cloe is devastated! How can her Prince Charming turn out to be a not perfect boyfriend! The magazine said he would! I'd like to remind Cloe that the magazine was a copy of "Your Thing" and you called that "So Yesterday" 30 minutes ago, so it's your own fault. She walks along the night in the lifeless streets of... London? London is empty at night? Why not just take it up a notch and give us the lifeless streets of New York!. She's so devastated that when she loses a shoe she continues walking (as if she still has it on, her foot is curved up and everything!), not worrying about the harsh city pavement. Luckily Cameron was stalking her on his motorbike and picked up her shoe. They drive off together as a song with lyrics like "Only you can be the one/Only you can fix my heart that's broken", so this is totally about de-gaying Cameron after that last cramped changing room one.
Dylan is polishing his camera and Sasha (Who clearly learned nothing) is telling him to be bisexual ...with the pictures since the readers will want to see both guys and girls. Cloe walks in with Cameron. She's had an 'over the top emotional breakthrough' and she's sorry, so the girls forgive her. Cloe tells them they look so Pretty n Punk because we haven't heard that enough times yet to suddenly get up from our seats and compulsively collect all the dolls. Yasmin also got Cloe an outfit for the opening and they hug it out. At PINZ, there's a healthy line and the Bratz are up front. They say they're with "Bratz- I mean Your Thing" and are instantly caught by Burdine, she told the bouncer not to let them in and arrest them for impersonation but he's drunk or something and doesn't do it. Yasmin's dog (who she's brought along for no reason) finds his owner, Simon Cowell Byron Powell, who is not an Australian celebrity but a British guy whose on TV a lot. The Bratz, who were just caught for impersonation have a celebrity sighting huddle to tell us all about how Byron a judge on "America Rocks". Byron sees the Bratz with his dog and thanks them and then sees Burdine (Or as he remembers her, the horrible airplane lady). He lets the Bratz into PINZ and has the guard not let Burdine in because she's wearing pink. While this is stupid, clubs do have a history of dumb stuff like this so whatever. Sasha declares this "Strike one for the Bratz!", with an accompanying visual of Burdine and the Tweevils being the pins that Sasha knocks over.
There is only a sparse crowd inside PINZ (Hey, it's Surfer Dude, 80s mod chick and blond boy band member) but the Bratz instantly declare it the rockinest, awesomest and most punkalicious (I'm starting to think all these weird adjectives are Sasha's ideas since whenever a new one pops up she's the one who says it first) place on earth. Simon Byron asks how he can repay the girls and Yasmin tells him they'll take an interview. He suddenly mentions he just signed Crash (Roxxi's band from earlier?) and Cloe says they have tickets. Honey, you don't, Burdine'll just do the same thing she did tonight and I'm betting Byron won't be there then. It doesn't matter anyways, Byron offers them all tickets+backstage passes and another mass of X-in's flows forth. Cameron asks Cloe to dance and the entire group does (even Byron and the dog!). During the dance, the entire club is empty. Really.
I should mention that this movie was eventually turned into the first three episodes of the TV series and this is where the second episode ended, but I'm not ready to stop yet, so no worries.
The next day in London We see Royal Guard and yet another punk guy in a cellphone booth before we get back to the 'plot'. Cloe is sighing, happy that she got to party at PINZ last night while doing Sasha nails. As Sasha is black, she was all over the dance floor with her craaaazy moves. Yasmin met a tall dark stranger like her horoscope said, except instead of a cute boy it was a rich adult. Cloe reminds us her horoscope was wrong, but Sasha doesn't care. The 'Save the Universe' concert is tonight and they're going to scoop it!
In Burdine's room she's angrily shouting about being outscooped and they'll be outscooped tonight too. Once again she threatens to physically harm her interns if they don't get her tickets. In the Bratz room (again) Cloe gets a call from Cameron (Which she thinks is from her mom, again) and they agree to meet in Hyde Park. Yasmin teases her about it being a date, but Cloe reminds us that it's just Cameron. Sasha reminds Yasmin to stash the tickets in a safe place and she does so the only way she knows how, stuffing them in an item of clothing in their huge closet. As soon as they leave, the Tweevils break into their suite and mess with all their stuff. Eventually they find the tickets because conflict. In the park, Cloe is doing physically impossible skateboarding stunts and Cameron is wiping out on her because this is what passes for Romance in this movie. Cameron asks Cloe if she believes in love at first sight, but after Nigel Cloe isn't so sure. Cameron is devastated despite knowing her since second grade. That's not love at first sight, it's a really creepy but longtime crush. They go hang out with the others, who are dancing to yet another Bratz song. Dylan sprays Yasmin with a water gun and she chases after him and the scene ends without conclusion.
The Tweevils are still in the Bratz suite when Yasmin and Dylan get back and Yasmin checks on the tickets, they're gone. The rest of the girls leave the park with Cameron, talking about how the concert is the biggest thing ever and it'll put them on the map (Complete with a neat visual where the country of Bratz Magazine has invaded a good chunk of the planet). Back in the hotel room, Yasmin is still frantically looking for the tickets and she asks Dylan to think of an idea. As Dylan has no brain, he suggests waiting for the others and asking them what to do. While this is a good idea, Yasmin doesn't want to see their disappointed faces and I just realized this is yet another Recycled Script moment, a Yasmin screws up fest from both The Movie and Starrin & Stylin! Yasmin goes after Byron and tells Dylan to hold down the fort and not tell the others about the tickets. He says he won't unless somebody hangs him by his thumbs and forces him to use generic shampoo. Dylan proceeds to jump on the bed Kirstee and Kaycee are hiding under. This causes Kaycee's nose-bandage to come off.
Yasmin rushes to PINZ (Since Byron sleeps here or something?) and asks the bouncer to let her in. He doesn't because conflict. Yasmin shrinks to miniscule size and sits outside sadly, how could she have let her best friends down! Dylan gets off the bed and checks out a pimple, the Tweevils get out from under the bed to leave but he notices them and thinking their maids and not worth looking at, hands them some dirty laundry. It's the Bratz' (used) underwear. They rush out before he comes back. The girls come from the park through... the bedroom he was just in? and they ask him where Yasmin is. He says she went out bowling and they tickle the truth out of him; the tickets are gone. The girls are devastated! The entire magazine depends on this!
Sasha is angry at Yasmin, but Cloe calms her down. Without any resolution we're pinged over to Burdine, whose called some place for the sixteenth time to ask for pink linen sheets which they don't even stock. We're saved from more of this rant when the Tweevils show up with the stolen tickets. Burdine says they're going to leave Bratz magazine in the dust (with YET ANOTHER HANDY VISUAL for those lacking in imagination). Burdine knows all eyes will be on her, so she wants the Tweevils to turn her into a Hipster. I don't think that means what she thinks it means. The girls dress her in an outfit that looks like a scuba suit with a diving mask. They tell her that she's officially "Honolulu [Burdine]" and stylin beyond belief. One thing you've gotta give this movie is Wendie Malick's
performance as Burdine, she's just so freaking insane. Helps that she's already played another fashion obsessed narcissist. Too bad she was eventually replaced by Ellie Harvie...
Back in Bratzland, they're still on ticket search when Yasmin comes in. She's disappointed in Dylan for telling, but that's what you get when your confidante's deepest darkest fear is generic shampoo. Cloe asks Yasmin why she didn't tell them but Yasmin responds to Kool Kat instead, who is standing on the other side of the room. Cloe tells her it's okay, because their friendship is way more important than the tickets and they can make it through.
The girls decide this entire trip to London was stupid and realize that all they do is feed off each others negative energies. The dissolve their friendship bitter-sweetly and move on with their lives. Sasha, due to being black, becomes a succesful music producer after attending Harvard Law. Yasmin becomes a successful doctor, making breakthroughs in virus study and marries Eitan, who still doesn't talk. They eventually divorce due to communication issues (and Eitan's many affairs). Jade, after completing her Economics studies, joins Forbes and opens a fashion house in her old age. Everybody is happy, except Cloe, who becomes pregnant with Cameron's baby at 16 and Cameron skips town and elopes with Dylan in New York, she moves in with Kirstee and Kaycee and they open a small image consulting business after they finish beauty school. Cameron becomes a successful motorsports legend, living on all his sponsorship deals and merchandising rights (including a Tony Hawk-esque game series) and Dylan becomes his kept man until he finds a richer, older man. Cameron still pays child support and visits twice a month with his new flame Roxxi, who he met at a concert. The end.
Kidding.
Will the Bratz ever get their tickets back? Why is this movie named Bratz Rock Angelz when there have been no rock-stars, significant geological rock formations or angels thus far? Will Yasmin ever see Byron again? Are there really only 15 minutes more of this thing left? Find out next time on the Bratz movie megaliveblog thing!
