Welcome back!
Previously, three of the Warriors—Leo, Jason, and Thalia—head off to Washington, D.C. after the deaths of Annabeth and Grover. Along the way, they meet a vampire. Will we see her again? Probably. And why did they go to Washington, D.C.? To figure out who's the traitor.
Well, a good job thus far, now we'll move on with...
Chapter 5: The Vampires Take Over the White House
And now we'll have an Author's Note with...Thomas and...Jesus? And Saint Peter? And no Ebony?
...and the last one will not co-write with him due to her writing her fanfic? (Something that is already liveblogged by Taylor Ashmere?)
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I'm going to remain positive. "Hope for the best, expect the average". And no, I don't care that I reworded it.
Here we go!
- Jesus Christ: Hello my son, where is Ebony.Thomas Brown: She is resting. She wont be writing anymore chapters for awhile. She wants to wonk on her own story: The Prayer Ponies; you should read it.Jesus: Yes, I but I can say that we have a new friend today.Thomas: Yes, and his lame is Saint Peter, a god fiend of our friend Jesus Christ, lord of all kind!Saint Peter: Yes I have come to talk to you about an important issue about baptism.Jesus: Please tell.Thomas: I am sure it does will be interesting.Peter: Well, it is very important to get baptized; if you don't you will burn in hell. Baptism shows our dedication to God and our lord Jesus Christ, his son, and creates a sacred bond. Without it, it tells us that we don't love God and we will burn in hell. Amen.Jesus: Hanky for that important information, I hope it will be good use to many people reading this sacred and holy story; so far the only goodly story on this site, fall of sinful boastful and disgusting shit. But we must let our author continue his story.Thomas: Thank you Jesus, I will continue my god wonk.
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This Is Gonna Suck, isn't it?
However? Despite it taking a nosedive into shit, it's actually unintentionally hilarious. "The Prayer Ponies"? Who thinks of this shit? And baptism is wholly different from the last chapter.
Thomas? Did you even read the last chapter Ebony wrote?
Anyway! Jason and Thalia wake up to hear of a news report. The bad news? Vampires are controlling the White House. Um...what? And the good news is Obama is dead.
What.
...I...got nothing.
Also, the channel that aired the report? Fox News. Which is said by Thomas to be the only reliable news source.
...excuse me.
(leaves the liveblog to laugh for a good five minutes, then returns)
Okay, I'm better now. That being said, after that, the better news? Once the vampires are dead, John McCain would be voted President. Seriously. I'm pretty sure that politics don't work that way, especially since Mr. McCain isn't in the running currently, as far as I know.
Thalia decides that they must do something about it—wait, what? You guys said that you would wait until God gave you a sign! And guess what? Jason, who was previously scared, somehow worked up his fucking courage and decided that, hey, they should beat the vampires, too!
...Thomas Just Didn't Care.
They wake Leo up, who somehow got a degree in Turbo studies (so...the studies of having a kid Ranger and baked into a giant pizza? No, even Turbo deserves a better treatment than this!), and they all end up curb-stomping the shit out of the demons/vampires, using their crosses and planning to take out the leaders.
...yeah, I guess we can consider "trying to figure out who the vampire is and where she came from" good-bye.
They enter the President's room, where there's Obama's body. And, yep, they're glad he's dead. Dude...seriously? The Prayer Warriors tell the vampires to go, preparing their stakes steaks. And they also say this.
- Not!Jason: "You thought you could take on us Christians, but you will lose every time. Why? Because you do not have God on your side. WE have confessed our sins and we know we have done bade things, but you think you are good. Hope foolish, Satan will punish you in hell!"
By the way, why the new name? Because...this isn't Jason. This is a strawman now. I suppose we can say good-bye to his Quest for Identity, too. Good God, how many more plots will be dropped in favor of the Author Filibuster?
Leo, being a fucking idiot, charges at a vampire, but he ends up becoming one. Thalia realizes that they must kill Leo now, but hey, at least he'll get a proper burial.
...is it a sad thing to say that the only things the story has yet to do now are to demean women and bring the dead back to life?
Also. The vampire seriously says "Evil laugh!". Ebony actually wrote the evil laugh, not do a fucking Unsound Effect! Then the vampire, forgoing the Butchered Old English, says this.
- Unnamed Vampire: "Well, let me inflict my wart onto you! You will surfer much more now. I will turn you into a vampire and then suck you blood dry and make you worship our lord Stan. And then we will force the entire country Americana to worship Satin without their precision. And I am going to have sex with your lady friend her."
Hey, guess who had the more natural of the dialogue! If you guessed "Ebony", you get a cookie!
Then Jason slits the vampire's throat, stabs his heart with a steak, beheads him, and allows the corpse to go up in smoke. In that order. Along with the other vampires.
And so, McCain becomes President, and somehow, Obama is revived and sent to prison for...supposedly rigging the election. Oh, for fuck's sake. (crosses "reviving the dead" off the list) Also, we get into the typical "Is Obama even an American citizen?" thing that will not be mentioned here. Rule of Cautious Mentioning Judgment and all that.
Jason and Thalia bury Leo and get their medals. By the way, the whole subplot of them figuring out who the traitor is? Kiss that good-bye! Why? Because they're now planning revenge on the Roman Gods.
...God. This story's turning from decent to lulz-worthy, and then to absolute shit.
Oh, hey, speaking of Contrived Coincidences, Ebony calls the group! And in Texas (I thought they were in Kansas?), she has found an actual Roman God.
...wait, I thought Ebony was supposed to be—oh shit. Don't tell me. That bastard Jerry will return...right? Please oh please say it isn't so.
- Thomas: I hope that chapter was better than the four before this.Jesus: Yes it was.Peter: I could read it over and over again. Keep up the good work (A pun, in other words the gospel)Thomas: Thank you. And I wish my cousin good luck in her new story the Prayer Ponies. You should all read it. It is very good.Jesus: You will be rewarded with rewards if you read it.Peter: Yes.Thomas: Cool.
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ARE YOU! FUCKING! SERIOUS?!?
This chapter? This chapter, which completely ignores all interesting plots, decent characterization, people acting like fucking human beings, awesome and stronger mooks, and a certain little plot point that wasn't picked up in The Evil Gods Part I...this...
THIS WAS FUCKING BETTER THAN ANY OF THOSE CHAPTERS?!
...I was a damn fool. I honestly believed that he cleaned up his act. I honestly believed that something good would come out from this.
I really, really hate liveblogging the series, and even worse, I'll forever be known as "that troper who liveblogged The Prayer Warriors series".
Fuck that shit.
And to those who were like, "oh, you should liveblog this because he went off the deep end!", seriously, the hell were you thinking? I could have waited until, say, reruns of Lightspeed Rescue aired, and I would have liveblogged that shit. But no. Then again, it's my fault. I'm the one who said "yes" in the end.
...sorry for my own Author Tract.
And the worst part? We're not finished yet.
(whimpers)
...Mako? Matoi? C-Carter and Catherine? Please come back...
Chapter 6: Blowing Up the Abortion Clinic--Oh, For Fuck's Sake, Really?!
- Jesus: Hello my deer friends. This chapter will be inspirational, especially the deeds our main characters will do in my name. They will show us that we must humour me for me to be please us.Peter: Yes, I truly agree with that without any doubt beyond my many years (two thousand to be precise). I, like many others, have convert many people to your cause making you pleased. A false believer would claim that we must love the nonbeliever, but this is nonsense, for we must hate them until they convert to our cause in spreading the gospel of our lord Jesus Christ of Narrative, the only begotten son of the God of Israel (the Jews reject Jesus as the son of God by crucifying him, therefore they will not get a peace of heaven until they to confess their sins and bow down a prey to the right heir, our lord Jesus Christ!).Jesus: Yes I do agree. And Thomas Finn Brown wants to tank Ebony for proofreading this godly and holy chapter. May it bless anyone who reads with the holiness that is I! Amen.
...they're seriously thinking that blowing up a building is inspirational. And Thomas claims, via Jesus, that Ebony proofread it. Somehow, I doubt it.
And they seriously believe the opposite of "love one another". They believe that all nonbelievers should die.
...
(starts to cry)
Thalia and Jason head to Kansas in a good old-fashioned (literally) piece of Product Placement: a late-1980s Plymouth Voyager. And the author curses Obama for closing down the car companies and sending the businesses to Japan with his "communistic ideas".
...I got nothing.
But first, they head to a hotel, where they delight the guests with the Gospel of the Lord. Oh, and the owners? Brothers. And Christian men. So that way we don't think "dirty thoughts".
...is he really that fucking stupid? Who would even think of such things?
The next day, they arrive at Ebony's house. And wouldn't you know it, it's like they are using themselves as...oh, wait, they already have done this. Anyway, she's knitting a jumper for Thomas. Who calls himself, As You Know, a really good author.
...
Ebony asks the group if she met them last in Russia, and she's busy proofreading her cousin's story. HOLY SHIT SHE CAN SEE US. Jason says "yes" to the Russia question, despite never appearing in it—and was amnesiac, to boot.
Anyway, Ebony wants to show the group that she caught a real Roman God. Jason demands to her that he wants to see him. And we get this.
- "The woman knew her place so she took him to the evil god; Thelia remained behind to carter to the gardening (see knew her palace as well)."
....
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
You did it. You actually did it. You sent the fic to where it can't be redeemed. You ended up making women inferior. You threw away the first four chapters' worth of character, plot, and intensity. All in favor of your sickening, vile, sexist trash.
Why did I liveblog this?
Anyway. Ebony takes Jason to her Christian cousin's place, and she can't let Noah see it, for he'll release his Evil God (somehow), and everything (whatever it is) would be for nothing. Again, Jason demands to see the God.
They arrive, and who's the Roman God? Socrates. I am dead serious. As in the Greek Philosopher Socrates.
Thomas, did you even do the research?
Also. Gotta love how Socrates is "disguising" himself so that way, he doesn't really reveal that he's a demon in disguise. And we get this bullshit.
- Ebony: "They are camped out in California, but this one strayed too far and we were able to capture him (you know that California is such an ungodly place that we have place to wipe them all out with nuclear weapons. So many homosexuals there that I think it are beyond saving."
This story is beyond saving. And it only gets worse.
- Ebony: "But before we deal with this evil thing, we have something more important. Down the road is an abortion clinic; I don't have the strength to destroy it, but I bet you do."
...yes. They're seriously going to destroy an abortion clinic. It doesn't matter what side you're on, but...come on. This isn't just murder in the name of God, it's fucking terrorism in the name of God! That's just as bad, if not worse!
And of course Jason agrees to do the challenge. And Ebony says a prayer.
- In all the wordroams a sword.Making thoseover there goes.And all will seelikes to see me.Tonight we willlive in Christ.
...Aww, how sweet. Such a sweet prayer for the fucking massacre that's to come.
And so, Jason heads to the concentration camp, and declares to all those who want to abort that they're murdering unborn children. And it's a sin, and the punishment? Death. So what does he do? Imprison the mothers, forcing them to have their babies, and having them executed. Dude! Also? He blows up the abortion clinic.
With a fucking bomb. Causing lots of lost lives.
...
You did it again. This time, you reached the depths of depravity. You turned an interesting character into a strawman murderer. And you think that it's not terrorism because it's done in God's name? Guess what? It's still fucking terrorism!
...I feel sick from even reading this.
Oh, and in the end of the chapter, he gets rewarded by Joe Reardon, the mayor of Kansas City. Of course! But the real Joe Reardon would get sickened by the man's actions and have him arrested. (Jason, I mean.) And put him to death, if not, life without parole.
- Jesus: That was a very interesting Chapter.Peter: I hope that evil god dies.Jesus: Me too.Thomas: Until then, goodbye.
Yeah, fuck all of you. The real Jesus and Peter would never say that.
And I'm sorry for the rudeness, but...damn. And who knows if it'll get better or worse?
You know what? Fuck the "will (so and so) do (action)?". I'm so disgusted by this that...I need a fucking drink.
Awaken that soul on the next—
SHUT UP!
--next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods Part II!
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