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Introduction and On
- Coco has her laptop plugged into her kart (wait, can you even do that? Damn Coco, you really are a genius) and is tapping on it randomly while Pura just lies there. My guess is she's doing some Hollywood Hacking with her kart to make it go faster. Ooh, cheater! I don't like you any more, Coco. Then we get a first-person view of someone driving through a sort of desert valley type track. Looking forward to racing there - I dunno, I just always like the desert tracks in racing games for some reason.
- Tiny Tiger roaring and destroying his kart with a hammer. Um, you're not going to win like that, dumbass. And how's he even going to fit in that kart? It's like the size of his foot! Another first-person shot of someone driving through an ice track. Oh god, that one looks like a pain - those big patches of ice should be murder for my steering.
- Polar sitting in his kart and reading How to Drive upside down. Sorry mate, but that probably won't help you very much. Especially because you're a bloody polar bear and you can't read. Or for that matter, drive. First-person shot of a track which has a sort of "lost Aztec ruins" vibe, but this one tilts around a lot and goes so fast it kind of gave me motion sickness. Also, given the size of most of these racers and where the perspective is, this guy must be driving three feet in the air. I'm... not sure you can actually do that in this game.
- Dingodile tinkering with his cart, when the exhaust goes off and blackens his face. Because we all knew one of those was coming. Although Dingodile's angry eyes at the camera did amuse me, I must admit. First-person shot of a track suspended in the sky with blimps. Not looking forward to that, because if I've learned anything from Mario Kart, sky tracks are always the hardest.
- Dr. Cortex giving us a lovely Evil Laugh and zapping his kart with electricity, to... presumably make it go faster, but my guess is it's one of his opponents karts and he's blasting it for sabotage! Man, you are an even worse cheater than Coco! It is a nifty shot, though, and an awesome Evil Laugh. First-person shot of someone driving through an Absurdly Spacious Sewer. Not much to comment on there, so it's probably one of the early ones.
- Crash... napping in a field next to his kart. Come on, Cortex, run him over before he can compete! You won't get a better chance than that!
- Crash would appear to be The Mario (yay, another Mario Kart parallel!), because he's described as "intermediate" and has average speed, turning and acceleration. He's playing with a yo-yo.
- Cortex is the same as Crash. Come on, differentiate them a bit! He's tinkering with his kart (and the electricity gun from the opening) and shooting dirty looks at the camera. "Hey! What're you looking at! I'm not sabotaging anything at all here!"
- Tiny Tiger is roaring and lifting a 500-pound dumbbell like it's nothing. But apparently, he can't put that strength into steering, because his steering and acceleration suck. He is fast, though. And surprisingly, his kart isn't completely destroyed from the opening! He's described as "advanced". Which is funny, because I was about as "beginner" as you could get and I played as him all the time. Maybe that's why I always lost.
- Coco is typing gibberish into a computer of some kind. She's got awesome acceleration and... OK speed, I guess, but she can't turn. Not picking her, because she doesn't know how computers work.
- N. Gin... hey, where was N. Gin in the opening sequence? Well, apparently, where he was was hitting a rocket with a hammer. I don't know why he hasn't killed himself yet. Anyway, he's the same as Coco, and they're both "intermediate".
- Dingodile is pumping his kart full of flamethrower fuel. OK, so the dev team doesn't know how computers or cars work. He's the same as Tiny.
- Polar is just sitting in an ice cave, which is almost certainly freezing his kart's fuel. I suppose reading How to Drive upside down didn't work for him, surprisingly - he's got good turning, but a low top speed and average acceleration, and is described as "beginner". So he's driving a student-driver car and hoping to face Falsetto Alien Tom Waits for "the fate of the planet"? That's it, not picking you.
- Pura is running around in a circle next to his kart. He's the same as Polar. How do these animals learn to drive a car, anyway? It sure as hell isn't by reading a book upside down.
A Liveblogger that will have fun with the thing they're about to tell others about? Check. Commentary that is both well-written and humourous? Check. A person that points out positive notes about someone's first enstallment as if reading from a check list? ...Uh, yeah, that'd be me. Best of luck, mate! Also, on a mostly unrelated note, I think I first owned a PS 2 around the launch of Kingdom Hearts, and the first game I played on it was Dark Cloud. Good times, good times...
Hey, I used to have Dark Cloud. Never did very well, mostly because I thought having to keep hydrated and so on was stupid. I still have my PS 2, but I don't think I have Dark Cloud any more.
Hey, this looks like fun. I believe on my first profile I played as Dingodile :D I recently had a go on it and ended up finishing the whole story mode in one go. I even beat that cheating bastard Oxide on the first go!
Embarrassingly, I had to start over every time I tried this when I was younger, because I didn't know how to save...
Me and my brother just played through this game back in September. What a classic.
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