Chuck Austen Meets Chick Tracts: The Fanfic--Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
Part 9: Countdown to Destruction
We're now in the Countdown to Destruction. And it is just that...not that epic as you'd think it is. This is the penultimate installment, which leaves the finale.
And after that, I can finally no longer be reminded that this shitty fanfic exists.
Anyway...last time, the plot moved along. Jerry and his band of Prayer Warriors have killed Artemis and Hera (I absolutely refuse to call her "Venus" for obvious reasons), and now we're about to see the other Prayer Warriors finish off the other Gods.
So let's dive right back in with...
Before we start, the Author's Notes has his usual raging—oh, hello, what's this?
Thomas/Believer in Christ: "And Noah you also sop telling me wart to do! Tis is my storey not yours. If kept telling me to sop wiring this stasis then I will have too disown you! Are you wit me or agonist me."
That's right. Noah eventually got sick of Thomas' shit. Which is greatly understandable, but one wonders why the hell he didn't decide to jump ship earlier. Unfortunately for the little guy, Thomas does not give Noah any nicer treatment. With siblings like that...oy.
The POV switches from Jerry to Percy as he's about to face Poseidon and Zeus. Like Jerry, Percy makes a speech.
"We are near to those fools hoe would murder us in our slap. These evil people will do any trickery to make us die, and they will be very dangerous. Do not believer a spinel thing to come out of their digesting moths. They will deserve you, so if they do so, don't think wise to kill them, for there are dangerous and they worship Stan and accept the theory of Evolution which is a false theory, as man does not come from a monkey, but God, and God along. And God gave his onyx begotten son our lord Jessie Christ so that he could forgive us and send us to the eternal clones of Heaven, the gamest thing to ever exist where we can talk to Jesus Chris and his father and our father God the almighty, the protector of all that is holly and worships the one true God and his eternal son, our lord Jesus Christ, for died on the cross for our sin, which is the best thing to ever happen to us because if this neither happens then we would be burning in the eternal flams of bell, and God would refuse to forgive our sin, which came from the sinful Eve, the first women. And so we will march now and destroy all the is unduly! Go force! Amen."
Once again, I'll summarize everything that's wrong with that speech.
- As Greek Gods, I'm pretty sure that they don't worship Satan, nor do they accept the fucking theory of Evolution. They have their own Creation Myths, you do realize that, right?
- "Jessie Christ"? And "eternal clones of Heaven"?
- Eve wasn't the only one who was sinful. Besides, she was only tricked into eating the apple (thanks, snake), it's not like she did it fucking willingly. Once again, I might chalk that up to sexism.
Of course, his army believes him and follows him. And they head off to Zeus' temple, and what do they see? A man raping a girl who's clearly not enjoying it. So what do they do? Drag him out and stone him to death.
...again, what the hell is up with the countless amounts of stoning and beheading? This isn't ancient times, as much as the writer wants to believe it.
After saving the girl and giving us a short tract about how if the girl didn't scream, then she enjoyed the sex, and she would have been killed as well, they find Zeus.
As he's pretty much the big boss when it comes to Greek myths (God of all Gods, you know), you'd expect a huge, epic battle in which a mere mortal fights against something that's just out of this world. Nope! In The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
, that gets thrown out the window!
Instead, we get Percy declaring to Zeus that he isn't his dad anymore, and God is. Why? If he said that, then he would kill Zeus. Even though the God himself would have easily found strength to zap Percy's ass to oblivion. Sadly, that doesn't happen, but what does happen is Percy stabbing Zeus in the heart.
...oh, and did I forget to mention that Percy's dad isn't Zeus anyway? It's Poseidon.
Wow. Just...wow. This fic manages to make Titanic: The Legend Goes On
look historically accurate by comparison.
Anyway, Percy drags Zeus' body, and apparentally, he de-aged to a child to prove that he isn't a God. Creepy. And Zeus' followers become Christians. Yay? And the story ends with Poseidon, Percy's actual father, mind you,
getting the anticlimatic battle treatment, and Zeus' temple is turned into a church while Poseidon's is burned down.
Oh, and the Author's Notes has him rage at someone because the world has yet to end (which won't be for another God knows how many years), and thus, he'll burn in Hell.
Okay, so I wonder how Luke's doing with his Gods...as if I was curious in the first place with that stupid shit.
Thankfully, for this chapter, we don't get an Author's Note in both the beginning and end of this chapter. Why can't all other chapters be like that?
The POV switches from Percy to Luke. Who, once again, we never saw until he was first mentioned. Luckily, we do get a little bit of backstory for him. He used to be a Satanist like Percy Jackson, but he eventually saw how evil they were, so he converted to Christianity.
Oh, and the writer says that he already knows that Ares and Mars are both two different Gods, so we should stop correcting him, for he knows all about the myths. About the only thing that's different about them? One's Greek, another's Roman. Otherwise, they're still Gods of War, and Mars' presence isn't even needed because he isn't a Greek God.
And like the other two, he does a speech, but thankfully, it's mercifully short. Apparentally, Tata (wait, the Goth chick who hates preps and lurves Draco Malfoy?) is the defeat of the Evil Gods (well, I can believe that!). And they were all sinners once, but now that they have God on their side, they'll get an eternal parasite of Heaven (ew).
After the speech, and the fact that it's still them left and not any other Greek God does kinda bug me a bit—wait, why should I be worried about that? IT'S ALMOST DONE!—anyway, they face off against Mars' soldiers. And yes, several members of the Prayer Warriors were killed.
...damn. Be careful what you wish for, indeed. Even if it's very slight.
Despite that, the Warriors do get buried while Mars' soldiers don't. However, Mars himself has fled to Ares' temple, and yes, you guessed it, another battle happens. This time, thanks to Deus ex Machina in the form of God loving them, none of the Warriors die. And Ares' soldiers have the same fate as Mars'.
Once done, Luke heads over to the main chamber and overhears the two gods talking. Guess what? Even if they do kill all the Greek Gods (and some Roman because the writer's a fucking idiot), there's still Hades left in not the Underworld, but Hell.
...not so fast, bucko/Your God is in Another Plane of Existence/Castle, indeed.
After Mars brags about how they'll be bigger than Jesus (hey, remember how I wondered if Thomas knew about the statement when talking about the Beatles? I wonder if he hates them now), Luke manages to behead them easily. And you know about what he does just as easily? Convert those followers.
The chapter ends with Luke being worried about the news, but hey, at least he gets to marry Rachel! Despite sharing a grand total of zero screentime
with each other. But hey, at least she'll be a good sex slave—er, housewife, right?
But good news. For real. We have one more installment left. Two chapters to cover. And once I'm finished, I can finally be reverted back and focus on the things I love the most!
How will the Prayer Warriors beat Hades? Hell, will he beat those annoying, unheroic fuckers to a pulp? And how anticlimatic can the true final battle be?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods!