So You Wanna Do a Cinematech: Nocturnal Emissions Liveblog

Beary Scary

Sex? In MY Video Games? It's more common than you think.

"Doing that review (for Outlaw Golf 2) made my soul dirty."
-Morgan Webb, X-Play

(sigh) Let's just get this out of the way: This update on the third-ever episode of Cinematech Nocturnal Emissions is particularly filled with NSFW things. Don't blame me (or TV Tropes, for that matter) if it gets you into... trouble.

Timecode: 2:43: From the creators of Lula 3D it's... Wet Attack: The Empire Cums Back. I'm so sorry, George Lucas. Hell, I'm sorry for everyone who has had to face just the title of this game, wherever that may have been.

The pitch is thus: An... unattractive cab driver IN THE FUTURE! picks up a woman who is actually an android that melts, leaving behind a hologram. Said hologram shows a busty blonde woman (that greatly resembles the aforementioned Lula) in various positions. Her least favorite position, however, is her current one, being kidnapped by a severely gonkish bad guy "in a galaxy we've never heard of before".

The cabbie is inspired for some reason to rescue Space Lula, but runs into a problem when some busybody woman corners him and tries to keep him from departing on his journey. That's when the Narm kicks into overdrive. After the cabbie asks her what she's doing, she replies that she's trying to keep "boys like you from doing stupid things". Then, he asks her if she thinks that his quest is stupid, to which she succinctly retorts, "Yeah, that sounds like complete bullshit to me."

If you, in fact, think this sounds stupid, then you have no idea what it looks like. From what I can gather, you interact with the game via a first-person interface. The graphics are dated and cartoony. The woman that the cabbie confronts here has the same recycled lip movement; it looks like she's saying "mooch" over and over again.

Then the Coitus Ensues when the cabbie tells her "If you're nice to me, I'll take you with me on my mission, and you'll be my first officer. Don't you have any intimate dreams?" Doesn't miss a beat, this one.

They actually show the sex "gameplay", but only because there's no real nudity involved. Even calling the scene "suggestive" might be a stretch. The woman strikes different poses, and with the cursor, you choose one of three places to touch her. I suppose that the variety of places that you choose impacts your "performance". What makes it creep over into Fan Disservice are the sound effects; the woman makes the same few noises over and over again, which wouldn't be a problem if they weren't pitch-shifted down so much, it sounds... wrong.

The afterglow: "Hm, was this okay now?" the cabbie asks.

Her remark sums up perhaps too much about, well, this whole game: "Not too bad... but not too good, either. Well... better than nothing." Maybe that's what you get for ambushing random strangers and having weird, non-intimate sex with them!

5:48: The Catfight, the - yowza- 55th entry in the Simple 2000 series of PS2 budget games. So named because each game costs 2000 yen, I think. This one is Exactly What It Says on the Tin; chicks fight. The end. Features an homage to the iconic Playboy bunny logo, only with a cat, a View Mode, and really awkward and cheap graphics, animation, and collision detection. At one point, a girl kicks another girl, only for her foot to clip right through her crotch.

9:19: A very brief clip from the bad ending of Fear Effect: Retro Helix. You would get this ending if you shot the wrong person before the final boss. Problem is, the two characters are twin sisters. If the heroine shoots the good sister, she mourns her passing, clutching her body in her arms.

Hana: What have I done?!
Rain: Don't cry, Hannah. I would rather die in your arms than live forever without you.

18:32: Did somebody say "palate cleanser"? It's Namco Capcom to the rescue! It's been said that this Japan-only RPG is So Okay, It's Average, but the Anime intro is anything but. It. Is. Made. Of. Win.

The theme song totally rocks, and shows dozens of beloved characters in a way that you've never seen them before. It features scenes where Stahn and Rutee, Klonoa, and Sir Arthur attack the Tower of Druaga (I assume). And something knocks off all of Arthur's armor.

A Japanesque scene features that scary guy from Genji and the Heike Clans, and from SoulCalibur comes Mitsurugi, Taki, and her two friends... Guy from Final Fight and another ninja that I don't recognize.

Meanwhile, IN SPACE, the Nameless Ones from Forgotten Worlds, KOS-MOS, Mega Man Volnutt and Roll, Strider Hiryu, and Captain Commando tear up some random space ship. Why? Because fuck yeah, that's why.

The Valkyrie cries alone on a cliff while the Darkstalkers (Dmitri, Hsien-Ko, Felicia, and Morrigan) fight off zombies or something. The camera actually pans over a still image of them, with blood spurting from offscreen.

And then, there appears to be some sort of girls versus guys fight between Hideo the teacher from Rival Schools; Jin Kazama from Tekken; Ryu; Kyoko the school nurse, also from Rival Schools; Regina; Chun-Li; Bravoman, a superhero with stretchy arms; and Wonder Momo, who falls on her duff after whiffing a kick. Regina faces off against the Chinese spy Fong Ling from Resident Evil: Dead Aim.

And oh, yes, there are the exploits of Reiji and Xiaomu, two original characters that both use a gun and sword to fight with. They are the actual main characters of the game, and they fight against a female villain that wields a sword and a shotgun. The animation style for this intro is very loose, almost Gurren Lagaan-esque. It's awesome.

Next: The dogs are out. And the pigs. And the toads.


The teacher is Hideo, and the nurse is Kyoko. The girl is Wonder Momo. Her original game had her attack with nothing but a high kick, hence the panty shot. There was also the stretchy-arm guy, Bravoman. The Chinese spy's name is Fongling, and to be honest I'm surprised that she was even put in the game.
nomuru2d 21st Aug 11
Thank you for clearing that up. I've wondered for some time who some of the more obscure characters were in that intro. It is rather surprising that they put in Fongling and the main guy from Dead Aim over everyone else in Resident Evil. Maybe they thought it would be cool to have her cross over with Regina. Also, it may have been their reason to use the boat from Dead Aim as one of the stages, which I think it is.
BearyScary 21st Aug 11