CHAPTER TWO
Henri and Four destroy their false identifications and pack up their lives in the Florida Keys. Henri decides to go to Ohio, which reminds Four of “corn and cows and nice people.” I’ve driven through Ohio a few times and don’t remember it being like that, but all right.
Four and Henri banter a bit about whether there are people in Ohio. Oh ha ha. Henri starts to forge new documents for them, and despite being a John Doe his whole freaking life, Four says he’d like to be known as John Smith in Ohio.
Four starts whining some more about wanting to settle down and live a NORMAL LIFE™. He mentions that nine months in the Keys is the longest they’ve lived in one place despite saying earlier Henri had felt secure for two years. That’s an explicable inconsistency but still, there are a lot of slip-ups like this.
CHAPTER THREE
Once again Four is talking about how great it would be to have a normal life in normal old Ohio. Henri actually gets mad and literally tells Four that his life is not his own because the survival of his race depends on him.
- “You have an entire race of vicious murderers hunting you. We’re leaving at the first sign of trouble, and I’m not going to debate it with you.”
Cheerful. Now’s a good time to start tallying up the problems with this character, and we can start with “obsessively controlling father figure.”
Four has the superpower to play video games and claims he cant beat any of them in a day. Jeez, get this kid Mass Effect or something. He says he likes games about wars in space the best so he can pretend to fight the Mogadorians. I thought he wanted to be normal? Wait, I get it. He wants to be normal and a badass, just like every male lead in a teen action movie.
Four and Henri are met in Paradise by a real estate agent who hands over their really crappy new house. Then she tells Four to be friends with her daughter, immediately designating the love interest for this story. They unpack their possessions, which are essentially paranoid-Henri’s surveillance equipment, computers, and the plot device they call the “intricately carved Loric Chest.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Four decides to go to school but whinges some more about how new students draw attention and get messed with and if they hid out in cities he wouldn’t have this problem.
Henri reminds Four not to show off his intelligence to the hicks in Ohio, or hurt anyone with his super-strength, or stand out in any way. Above all he needs to be able to run at any time and therefore Henri makes him carry a week’s worth of emergency food, spare undies and a concealed knife. Did I mention Henri is hopelessly paranoid?
He also mentions that Four’s “Legacies” will appear “any day now.” Because not only are the Lorien race born better than humans, they also develop superhero powers in adolescence. Instead of, you know, periods and stuff.
Henri never changes his first name when they move, which seems like an uncharacteristically large security hole for him.
Four goes to school where he tells us that any any school you’ve got your jocks, cheerleaders, band geeks, stoners, unfriendly black hotties…wait, that last one was from Mean Girls. No black teens in Paradise. Or in Michael Bay movies, for that matter.
Literally the first two people Four notices will be our supporting characters for the rest of the novel; the loyal loner kid who believes in aliens, and the designated love interest. The girl comes over to take pictures of Four and tells him not to be shy, introducing herself as Sarah Hart (Heart, geddit?).
Four says he’s never seen a girl this good looking and starts fantasizing about how dangerous it would be to let this girl take pictures of him without Henri knowing! Just then a beagle shows up and the two comment on how funny that is that a dog just happens to like Four so much. This will come back later, seriously.
This first-day-of-new-school chapter is efficient because the very next thing that happens is a bunch of football players in letterman jackets strut by. That’s right, readers, the minor villains of this story are gonna be those guys again. One of them “accidentally” hits Four and he fantasizes about how he could beat them all up with his alien powers if he wanted to, because he doesn’t like bullies.
The space enthusiast loner kid, Sam Goode (Good, geddit?) comes up to Four and tells him about the football asshole with pretty much the most elegantly concise character description ever:
- “That’s Mark James. He’s a big deal around here. His dad is the town sheriff and he’s the star of the football team. He used to date Sarah, when she was a cheerleader, but she quit cheerleading and dumped him. He hasn’t gotten over it. I wouldn’t get involved if I were you.”
In four lines Sam has just explained why this entire subplot is going to be predictable. That’s impressive.
Four goes to astronomy class where Mark James trips him in front of Sarah. Four describes in close detail Mark’s gelled black hair and “meticulously” trimmed sideburns. Mark is apparently a senior, which makes him three years older than Four and that raises some obvious questions. Once again Four thinks about all the horrible ways he could injure Mark if he didn’t have to hide his powers, and I hope you’ve noticed by now how much better he thinks he is than the humans.
Sarah gives Four a warm smile and he’s so turned on by this that his…hands catch on fire. He sends a frantic text to Henri and attempts to calm down and hide his embarrassment, but looking at Sarah only makes his superpowers harder, so he runs off to find somewhere to hide until Henri can respond to his cries of “Daddy! I’m having hormonal problems in the closet!” and take him home.
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