i prome you, as a lover and a freind, i will finish this liveblog fooor you!
"The Promise," huh? This looks... promising.
B)
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
...OK, glad I got that out of my system.
After the Oracle does her whole mystic thing for our peeps, everybody shmoozes about it over... breakfast? Lunch? I'm not sure; the book is being very vague about the temporal neighborhood all this mystical stuff took place in. As usual, the meal is faaaaabulous, the dwarves are drunk (Dwarfbeard needs beer to get through the day), and everyone wants to know if Alex heard what he wanted to hear. He didn't hear anything he hasn't heard a bazillion times before
, but Lady von Mystic's platitudes seem to have reassured him, despite her other plotstipation.
So howzabout he and Arconn look at that sword, eh?
While Alex fetches it, he at least has the insight to think it was sure odd that he amputated that troll's curious appendage with one swipe. And it still looks to him like there's something written in the gold swirlies on the hilt, but if only he could read it!
Are we ripping off Sword Of Truth now, too? You sure have to go pretty low to rip off a rip-off.
Arconn is sitting with Scald in the Laugh-o-Matic(TM) while Alex brings out the sword, and... he stops laughing! *GASP!* When someone stops laughing around Scald, you know It's Serious!
Raise you're hand if you're at all surprised that the sword was made by elves, and the writing on it is in Elvish. ...Yep, that's what I thought.
What good would this mystic blade be without a name, eh? So Arconn tells us that this is the mighty blade the elves call... Moon Slayer.
...Moon Slayer, people.
Moon... Slayer.
...Pardon me for a second.
''—BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Haaa... haaa... Oh man.
I literally burst out laughing and said "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!" out loud the first time I read that. I don't think there's anything I could possibly add to that name that would heighten your experience with that glorious pretentiousness. It's so utterly over-the-top, it's reached a kind of Nirvana. Specifically, the kind that smells like a teenaged spirit crafting their first Dark Elf character.
It's almost as perfect as the Chapter 3 misprint. I love it.
And speaking of Dark Elves, this sword was made by them. So-called because they did more "dwarfy" things (mining, smithing, etc.), even though, given the usual elvish complexion, that would probably make them paler than ever. However, most dark elves are all dead now. Humans wanted their super armor, and—
Hold on. Speaking of armor, I recommend you all put on some helmets right now. And get under cover. You're going to want to be protected for this next one. ...Are you ready? OK:
"Dragons hated them because not even their scales could protect them from a dark elf blade."BWOOP! BWOOP! ALL HANDS HIT THE DECK! INCOMING CLUEBAT!
If this story was executed with a bit more alacrity, I might still be suspicious of this comment. But this is Adventurers Wanted, and there's only one way this story is going to end now.
Anyway, Moon Slayer (grrnkpftsnort) was a sword of many great warriors, but it's not like Arconn is going to bother telling us their names either. However much Blackburn charged for it was too little. But Dwarfbeard doesn't care! Because he stood good for Alex (You Keep Using That Word...), and it doesn't matter anyway, because the sword chose him! And now the elves are obliged to love Alex Garystulor foreeeeverrrr.
And if the sword chose him, it must mean he has great potential as a warrior—oh god no.
"Claudette": Guess what time it is again!
AFTER THAT! Rothgar comes, he has a book from Lady Iownan, who regrets not being able to dine with them that night, but more reading material for Alex! And it's also in Elfin! So now Alex gets to take Hooked on Phonics with Arconn so he can learn to read this book, which is apparently about herbs and potions. Elfin isn't the language of the other magic book—apparently—but many people do write in elfin, because it's the special snowflake language in which it is easier to express your true meaning.
I think I speak for all of TV Tropes' linguistic Morbos when I say, LANGUAGES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
...But "true speech" is an old fantasy convention, so I suppose, being entirely truthful, I have to let it slide. ...Oh well.
I can still make fun of the fact that Alex also takes to Elfin better than any human Arconn's ever seen. HA HA!
Shahree Ponysweets interlude; it's not important, but I also just felt like mocking the Relationship Writing Fumble in this guy's "bond" with his horse.
But hey! Let's actually get to the promised promise in the chapter title!
It's the day after next, and Olaf mysteriously sends for writing implements! We won't get to see why yet, as they go out to meet Iownan in her courtyard. She's giving them a crapton of supplies, because, and I quote, "There is no guarantee you will reach your goal before winter."
Now, according to Dwarfbeard, "Spring is slow to come to Vargland," which implies that it's already winter, so... what season is it already?! I mean, she can't mean next winter, can she? How far away can the Keep of Pure Evil be?
OK, so the Oregon Trail, which is 2000 miles, took about 4-6 months to travel. If it's March now, 6 months later would put you in September. If Winter started before you hit Pure Eviltopia, you'd have been going for a good 8-9 months. If this was a Medieval European Fantasy, by that point, I think you're mired somewhere in Russia.
And seriously! Although they said earlier that dragons don't like to live too near to arches, was there seriously no closer doorway into Eviltopia? Even for a dragon, 2000+ miles is really freakin' far!
This could really benefit from some Better than a Bare Bulb humor. Anyone...? Anyone? Anyone not too busy taking themselves Deathly Serious to make fun of this? Scald? Bueller?
...Sigh. Never Mind. Iownan's finally going to tell them what she wants of them.
To wit: Dragon stole her crystal ball; can they get it back kthnx?
And the promise? Is just everybody saying "Yeah, I'll totes get it!" You know, if any of their friends fall, if they still live, they'll bring it back! The word "promise" gets bandied about to the point where it eventually loses all its meaning.
And when words start losing their meaning, you know it's time to take a break. Especially if there's also a convenient chapter break.
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