Episode 7
Odie is howling at the moon. It's annoying Garfield, who's trying to sleep. Garfield thinks Odie needs something to occupy his time. He gets a small television to shut him up, and carries it offscreen. Shortly, Odie isn't howling. Garfield, satisfied, goes to bed. When we look back at Odie, he has a television in his mouth, with Binky dancing on it. (How Binky is going to let Garfield sleep any better than Odie's howling is a mystery, but whatever.)
("Friends Are There")
"The Garfield Guarantee: No giant robots or annoying little blue people."
...I think I'll let later episodes speak to the veracity of that claim.
Garfield: Weighty Problem
Jon enters with a bag of something and informs Garfield of his arrival. Cue snark about his announcement being on the news. "Jon is home. Film at 11." Jon doesn't think Garfield can guess what he purchased. Garfield's guess is the entire nation of Bolivia. Jon extracts a new bathroom scale, saying what it is. Garfield claims it was his next guess. Oh, and it talks, too! It determines your proper weight for your height, and predicts your fortune. (The weird thing is, leaving aside the question of whether height alone is an adequate determinant of ideal weight, I see no means by which it determines one's height.) Jon says he'll weigh himself once he's out of his heavy clothes. Uh... that does mean he's going to leave his light clothes on, right?
Garfield decides to get the bad news out of the way, and places the toes of one foot onto the scale.
One at a time, please.Garfield removes his foot, and gives an Aside Frown. He tries his whole foot.
I don't do trucks.And again...
Let me guess: you're an oceanliner, right?Garfield decides to punish the scale for her remarks by hopping onto her and putting his full weight on her. This sets off its alarm.
Get off! Get off! Get off!He does.
Thank you.He wants her to stop kidding around and give it to him straight.
You are 20 pounds overweight, or 9 inches undertall. Your fortune is: You will be splutted.Garfield has once again forgotten this onomatopoeatic word. A pie promptly reminds him. He tampers with the scale.
Gah! Well, at least Jon has on his white boxers with pink heart print. He places the scale on the floor and weighs himself, expecting to at least be near his ideal weight.
You are 50 pounds overweight. Your fortune is: You will go on a strict diet.Jon is shocked at this news. Garfield engages in the not-suspicious-at-all behavior of whistling and twiddling his thumbs. Jon enlists Garfield's help in making sure he doesn't eat too much.
His method, of course, is to eat everything except what Jon is allowed to eat... in one meal. In this case, one lettuce leaf. Jon questions if that's what the diet book says. Garfield consults Dieting Made E-Z, which has its front cover on the wrong side for a book originally published in English (Maybe it's actually a manga?) , and tears the lettuce roughly in half, taking one half away. It flops in Jon's hand. Garfield has eaten everything (and the book's front cover is on the correct side). Jon announces that he's going to work out. "Good." And that Garfield is going to work out with him. "Bad."
One wipe later, it's song time! Jon starts by extracting exercise equipment from a closet. Then the two arm-wrestle; Garfield wins. Then Jon rows by Garfield in bed, prompting Garfield to question his sanity. Jon does overhand pull-ups on a bar across the doorway. Garfield pulls himself up onto a counter, where there's a plate of steak. Jon pulls the steak away, but Garfield goes to the refrigerator instead. Even this is thwarted, however, as Jon pulls him away, making him drop a ham on the floor.
Jon decides they'll start by skipping rope. Garfield figures they'll continue by skipping all the other exercises. Jon changes his mind and has Garfield jog with him. After what's portrayed as a good distance, Garfield is panting hard. Jon figures they can rest. Garfield flops. Hey, wait a minute, where'd the grass go...? They're... in the street? Anyway, Jon does notice that they're still in front of their house. Garfield points out that it's a long driveway. Maybe for him; ours is longer, and I know of much longer driveways than mine. Jon wants to head west; Garfield wants to head east. Jon thinks it's because east is shorter—
Jon: YA-HA-HOO-HOOOOO! (thud)Garfield thinks it's because of the open manhole, which he looks down. (And possibly because Jon can't see manholes that are Behind the Black, and therefore avoid them. Also, Garfield's thoughts echo, which is unusual.)
Jon says pulling on handles attached to ropes wrapped around pulleys and attached to weights is great exercise. Jon alone has trouble pulling both high enough for him at the same time, though they're clearly being lifted; he enlists Garfield's help in pulling one of them. They pull the ropes farther than I thought was in the rope. Garfield finds himself hungry from the exercise, and, seeing an apple, hands his handle to Jon so he can reach it. The weights promptly slam down, sending Jon flying into the house. By which I mean, through the wall so only his ankles and feet are sticking out. Garfield wants to peel the apple, so he goes inside to find Jon sticking through the wall. Garfield doesn't think it's nice that Jon took a break without telling him.
Jon puts on a record, and does aerobics to it. Garfield starts... barely, before deciding he can't take much more. He turns up the RPMs on the player to get it over with sooner, and Jon's arm flapping causes him to start flying. Garfield stops the record, downing Jon before he flies south for the winter. Garfield thinks he should quit before he loses his health. (If he weren't a toon... well, for one thing, he wouldn't have flown, even if he could gets his arms to move that quickly without hurting, but also, he should be paralyzed by now.)
Garfield decides to set the weight to accurate again. He tests it:
You are still 20 pounds overweight. Your fortune is: You are about to get more exercise.Jon comes along to check his weight.
You are the correct weight for your height. Your fortune is: You will punish your cat for tampering with the scale earlier.Garfield takes off. I'll just let the scale do the talking unless something else happens.
You will chase your cat around the living room. He will slip on the throw-rug. He will swing on the chandelier, crash into the wall...Garfield notes that those things are pretty accurate. Yeah, if a touch late with their predictions. Still impressive for an electronic scale.
You will chase him out the front door. You will chase him down the block. And they lived heavily ever after. The end. End. End. End.Orson's Farm: Quickie
Bo, Booker, Sheldon, and Wade are all sitting by the fence near a sack of feed. Orson approaches with a book, which Sheldon tells him to read, calling him "Mom". Booker wants him to make it real scary. Orson sits in the feed sack, instructing them to try to imagine the story. Now, the surroundings change as he tells the story.
"One day, in the deep, dark jungle, a waka bird was singing a simple song... when suddenly the fierce beasts appeared!"A bear, a lion, and some kind of snake.
"The beasts moved closer and closer..."
WADE:Help! Get us out of this!The four huddle together. Orson frantically skips to the end.
"And they lived happily ever after."The fierce beasts are now friendly. Wade thanks him.
Orson's Farm: The Worm Turns
Orson's in the waller, floating in a red swim ring, and reading a book while he waits. First he sees us, and then he greets us, and then the red ring he deflates.
And now I'll stop narrating to the tune of "English Country Garden", used as the background music for this part.
Anyway, the air's expulsion causes propulsion. In other words, the deflation makes him change location. He gets up, telling us he was afraid we weren't coming. Now he's going to reinflate the swim ring before showing us around... but he can't find the pump. He takes off the inner tube and says he wants us to meet Wade.
The aforementioned Wade is sleeping against a tree. Roy peeks around from the other side. He attaches the pump — probably Orson's missing pump — to the valve on Wade's inner tube. He inflates the tube until only Wade's head and fingers are visible. He takes the pump and hides behind the tree again.
Wade awakens and comes to the obvious conclusion that he's shrunk. He jumps straight up out of the inner tube and initiates forward motion. Roy laughs at him, pounding the ground.
Orson warns us that Wade panics over the silliest things at times. Wade latches onto Orson's head, exclaiming that he's "shrunkéd". Orson offers that as an example. Orson tosses him off, pointing out that Wade is the same size as he. Wade decides that Orson has shrunk as well, as has everything else. (At this point, I posit another fear for Wade: a fear of razors.)
Roy comes running, laughing and carrying Wade's tube. He tells Wade he's comedic, and that he has to pay attention to things, and think before he acts. As a demonstration of this (actually, more as a demonstration that it was not Wade and everything else that shrunk, but the swim ring that was inflated), he releases the air... just before realizing he probably shouldn't be holding the ring while he does that. It takes off with him, going in several directions. Roy eventually lands headfirst in the waller, the swim ring on top of him.
Orson offers that as a typical example of how things are. He starts to talk about Roy, but we interrupt him, I guess. Not like we hear ourselves. He asks if we think Booker's out hunting worms, and tells us he no longer does that. Wade tells him to tell us what happened.
About a week ago, Booker was still hunting worms. This method: fishing. Sheldon asked what he was using for bait, and Booker reeled in a blue fish.
At some other point, Booker was trying to convince Sheldon to hunt worms with him, but Sheldon had to hang pictures. Booker says he'll be missing out on a worm feast, but Sheldon has a quiche in the microwave, so it's okay. (...Is it, perhaps, a chicken quiche?) He sets to hanging pictures. The nails make holes in his shell, but don't expect to see the holes — or the nails — in future episodes. He thinks he needs shorter nails.
Booker's method this time is the ol' loop-on-the-ground trap. He admires his work, and tells the worm who comes up how impressive it is... until he realizes who he was talking to, and dashes back. He asks the worm if he thought he could fool him. (Umm... he just crawled up to you, dude. It's not his fault you don't try to get a positive ident on who you're talking to first.) The worm makes his kisscape (by which I mean, that thing where you escape by first laying a kiss on your pursuer's mouth, and making tracks while he's recovering), and the chase begins. The worm dives into a flower bed and pretends to be a flower. Booker dashes by, not noticing him, but he's immediately picked by Roy, who does a Loves Me Not on his disguise.
Orson mentions his dedication. Booker is seen crawling on the ground. He sings a song about hating the worm, and what he's going to do to him. He grabs the worm from his hole; the force of pulling send them both rolling into a ditch. Booker uses the worm for dental floss. The worm slips away. A few chomps later, Booker realizes this, and gives chase. His sings about the worm hating him, not that he minds. The worm slips from his grasp again. Booker continues his chase. Remember the loop trap? The worm passes it up.
Booker: You won't get away from me!Booker, however, is caught in his own trap. His hollering causes the worm to skid to a stop and see what happened to his pursuer. He then giggles and crawls away.
Time passes, with a classical soundtrack playing up the sympathy. His cries for help turn from frantic to despairing, yet nobody manages to hear. Wait, did I say nobody? It turns out that the worm hears. He and his wife (curly blonde hair, those outdated glasses, lipstick, knitting... yep, it's his wife, I guess) are down in the hole. Orson tells us that some people say worms don't have feelings; true or not, this particular worm might be demonstrating otherwise.
He abandons his pipe and book, and goes out with a pair of scissors. He climbs the tree and cuts the rope, letting Booker down with a thud, then goes to him. Booker grabs him and looks like he's about to bite him, but gives him a few kisses instead.
Orson tells us that that was the story. Wade wonders if the friendship will last. Orson is sure it will. Roy joins the two, and Booker dances around, singing to the tune of the earlier song that he likes the worm... until the end of the song, when he rolls up the worm and kicks him, then chases him as before. Roy remarks that it was nice while it lasted.
Garfield: Quickie
Garfield is outside, holding a bone. He offers to throw it so Odie can fetch it, which should set off red flags all by itself. Odie, however, doesn't get that when Garfield makes an offer like that, it probably isn't genuine, and is willing to fetch. Garfield makes a throwing motion... without releasing the bone. Odie runs off in pursuit of it. Garfield remarks about it being the oldest trick in the book. Odie brings back a big bone, deposits it on the ground, and leaves. Garfield wonders what kind of dog has one that big. A rather large one, with an anchor tattooed on his left foreleg. He grabs Garfield with his mouth, leaving only his tail outside. Well, that answers that.
Garfield: Good Cat, Bad Cat
At the Arbuckle residence, Garfield is telling a cup of coffee that he can't live without it. Without it, his day doesn't begin. It's his reason for getting up in the morning. It's a cup of coffee. He says other similar things. Jon comes up, warning him not to annoy the mailman. Garfield pours the hot coffee down his throat with no ill effects. Garfield checks his schedule, and apparently, it's the day he annoys the garbage man; the mailman is slated for tomorrow. Jon is expecting a very important package. Garfield lies down for his post-coffee midmorning nap. A small Garfield in a red suit manages, with some effort, to get Garfield's attention, wanting him to annoy the mailman. Garfield asks who he is, and the small one asks who he thinks he is. Garfield says the voice is familiar, and that he's handsome. The small one identifies himself as Garfield's evil side, the one who makes him do nasty things... like push Odie off the table. He plays upon Garfield's urge to do so, and Garfield goes over to do it.
But before he gets there, an angel-costumed Garfield with a bad falsetto appears in front of him and tells him not to. Garfield it able to figure out that this new figure is Garfield's good side, and remarks that he hasn't seen him around much lately. The good side isn't surprised, the way Garfield hides him. The evil side is quick to try to get the good side to go. The good side isn't going to let the evil side influence Garfield, but the evil side wheels in a cannon. He asks the good side if he's been to Mexico, and when the good side says he hasn't, he says it's about time, stuffs the good side into the cannon, and fires it.
With the good side headed south of the border, the evil side is able to easily influence Garfield to go for Odie. He has a brief doubt about doing so when he gets there, though, but it's dispelled. Odie is shoved, and falls into the trash can. The evil side asks if it was fun. Garfield didn't really find it fun, and to top it off, Jon saw, and scolds Garfield before going out to mow the lawn.
The evil side asks Garfield if he's going to let Jon talk to him like that. As soon as Jon leaves, the good side comes in through the mail slot, sporting a sombrero with the little balls hanging from the brim, as well as a sarape, and carrying a suitcase with "Viva Acapulco" on a sticker on the side. He urges Garfield not to listen. The evil side sarcastically asks if Garfield should listen to the good side, who asks why not. The evil side points out that the good side is a wimp. The good side makes a weak retort. The evil side "ain't" gonna listen to it, and stuffs the good side into a smal rocket. The good side points out that "ain't" is bad grammar, but the evil side shoves him back in, and pushes the LAUNCH button, sending him to Italy. It first zooms around the room and buzzes Garfield before exiting through a window, breaking it. The evil side reveals to Garfield what he should do. Garfield points out that it wouldn't be nice. (And he's thinking it while his good side is on another continent!) The evil side says that's the point, and continues.
Jon services his riding mower. When he goes to put the oil away, Garfield sneaks up to the mower and does... something. Jon goes back, musing about Garfield's recent behavior. Garfield dashes back in what should be in plain sight of Jon. Jon gets on the mower. Garfield watches from the flower bushes. The evil side asks if he did what he said. Garfield isn't sure he should've.
The mower is started. (Man, that looks uncomfortable. It's incredibly lacking in leg room.) Jon wonders if Garfield is feeling weeeeeeeeeell! The mower takes off suddenly, and is mowing uncontrollably. Jon is hanging on to the seat for his life. Garfield's evil side is having a good laugh an Evil Laugh at Jon's expense. Jon doesn't know how to stop it (and he'd probably have to be able to reach the controls, anyway), and it's mowing down the bushes! It eventually crashes into the garage. More bass drum? More bass drum, as Jon walks out toward Garfield, a crown of pink flowers and a flower on each shoulder, and the steering wheel still in his hand. The evil side conveniently disappears. Jon asks Garfield if he tampered with the power mower. Garfield grins and shakes his head. Jon wags the steering wheel at him, hoping that's true.
When the evil side returns, Garfield tells him he's made Garfield into a liar, and you know what happens to them. The evil side says they get jobs as weather forecasters. (Not particularly fair, as they can only tell you what will probably happen based on past and current conditions. But then, why should I expect an evil side to be fair?) He changes the subject, pointing out that the mailman is coming. Indeed, he's pushing a cart and carrying a bag on his back. The evil side says to get him. The good side shows up, remarkably not bearing any Italian accoutrements, to try to warn Garfield away from doing so. His efforts are short-lived, though, as the evil side ties him up. This time, when the evil side says to go to it, Garfield does so.
He jumps into the cart. A few letters disperse. (This looks like a job for Mario and Parakerry!) He starts reading envelopes until he finds the package Jon was waiting for. It's lavender with a thin pink ribbon. Garfield does a Gift Shake on it, but accidentally drops it on the brake. It bounces off, but releases the brake, sending the cart rolling. Garfield remarks that he doesn't belong in there, and doesn't have a stamp. The mailman notices, and runs after, telling him to bring back his cart. Garfield would like to. He realizes his actions were a bad idea, especially as the cart approaches a woman carrying groceries. She dives out of the way, tossing her groceries, some of which land in Garfield's face. It crosses an intersection, prompting a car to stop, and hits a curb, ejecting him and a bunch of mail. Garfield lands in the trash. He sticks his head out as the mailman approaches. Garfield wonders if he qualifies as express mail. The mailman delivers the package, and, after fishing him out of the bag, Garfield... both 3rd class. Jon apologizes, pointing out that he's been that way all day.
Jon tells Garfield off, pointing out that they (they?) give him everything, and he still does things like that. The evil side asks why Garfield should do what Jon says, as he's only going to punish him. Jon returns, says Garfield is still his cat, and he's still going to give Garfield his gift. It's a personalized mug. He pats Garfield on the head. Garfield's good side tries to evoke a sense of shame for his actions, while the evil side is more pragmatic, as Garfield seemingly got a gift anyway. Garfield hopes he didn't break it... just before it falls apart. The evil side admits that the mailman part of it probably wasn't so hot an idea. Garfield throws the handle down. The evil side takes that as his cue to flee. The good side and Garfield pursue him out the door, Garfield running across Jon and surprising him into wrinkling his paper along the way. Jon wonders where Garfield is going, and muses that he'll never figure him out.
Jon's evil side appears and tells him to get rid of Garfield, while his good side says to forgive him. The two argue back and forth over it, with Jon in the middle...
Next time: Episode 8!
