You never thought it would actually happen, did you? Admit it.
I, Pirka, am going to finish what I started. A mission that has spanned months. I thought I could not go on. I will not give up! If Linkara can read all the way through JLA: Act of God without puking, I can complete Kämpfer! Liveblog: initiate! Episode 12!
The episode begins with - dear god, I knew that this was in the episode but it still doesn't make it any less disturbing - Female!Natsuru reading a story on Christmastime (cliche plot device, much?) to her...kid. I know who she had the kid with in this Twilight Zone-esque alternate universe, but I think I'll wait till' the end and let it slooowly sink in. Anyway, the first hint that this episode might not suck is the fact that the story begins "Once upon a time, there were Entrails Animals in a certain place...". YAY! *grabs cushion and hot cocoa*
We then 'dreamywave cut' (is there a trope for this?) to a familiar location - Natsuru's house from the previous 11 episodes. Hara Kiri Tiger wakes up...except, surprise - it's actually Natsuru in H.K. Tiger's body! I, for one, would be pleased to be instantly transformed from a bland Idiot Hero to one of the best characters on the show, but I digress. As you may have guessed, Female!Natsuru, who is still in bed, wakes up...but it's really H.K. Tiger in Nats' body, which has spontaniously grown tiger ears and a tail despite the fact that Natsuru-as-H.K. Tiger didn't gain any identifying traits of human Nats (they could have given it the blue hair...). Logic? We don't need no stinkin' LOGIC! This is Kämpfer, foo'!
Cut to opening song! Believe it or not, I actually missed this song. One of the only non-Entrail Animals things I like about this show is the OP and ED, which are both top notch in my opinion.
Back to the show. Doll!Nats (oh dear lord, how many different forms can this guy take? What pronoun should I use? ARRRRGH!) freaks out while Human!Tiger says to just go with the flow...before revealing that, apparently, he is a good fashion designer, as he/she (?) is wearing an outfit he made for Female!Natsuru, which, since he is her now, he can wear. Who knew? Lavalife profile of Hara Kiri Tiger: Likes - Being awesome, snarking, watching 'that anime with the sea', fashion designing.
After stating that he/she/what the hell gender is H.K. Tiger anyway is glad she has Natsuru's Boobs On Loan, as he could 'never get a pair as a doll', he decides to ditch dat pop stand and go out on the town, leaving Doll!Nats behind in the garbage can. Recursive mascot abuse!? Is this what your donations to PAMAF are going towards?!
Going out the door, Human!Tiger skips down the streets of Tokyo...where he/she meets the other main characters - Akane, Not-Sakaki and Mikoto - holding hands and skipping like Happy Tree Friends. Apparently, all of the Kämpfer have switched bodies with their plushie companions (and inexplicably become Petting-Zoo People). This looks like a party, guys! The four of them are fascinated over being truly alive and feel their hearts beating for the very first time. I actually found this to be a Crowning Moment Of Heartwarming for the series. Your Mileage May Vary with how much you like the Entrails Animals. They then go to a restaurant when they realize that they now feel hunger. Savouring the flavour of a beef and pork hot pot, Human!Stray Dog wonders if eating meat is considered cannibalism for them. As I have said time and time again: WHY THE HELL WAS THIS SHOW NOT ALL ABOUT THESE GUYS!?
After Human!Wildcat burns her tongue and bites Human!Stray Dog's ear (!?), we cut to the doll-ified Kämpfer. Doll!Mikoto, Doll!Akane (still wearing her glasses - ffff) and Doll!Not-Sakaki are pissed off and instantly blame it all on Doll!Nats. Hey, I think Nats is as stupid as the last guy, but blaming everything on him isn't cool!
Back to the human-Entrail Animals, who are wondering what to do next. They decide to go on a sightseeing bus tour. However, before they can leave, the Creepy Student Council Rape Squad (tm), who are apparently running a restaurant now (Logic? We don't need no — oh, wait, I already used that joke), demand the bill be paid. The human-Entrail Animals don't have any cash on them. So, what are the council/restaurant staff gonna do about it? ...How about drop them down a freaking trap door into a pit!? Okay, any hope of this making any sense was just shot dead.
It turns out that, in order to pay for their lunch bill, the human-Animals have to put on some kind of sexy show! I couldn't expect any less from Kämpfer. The peppy newspaper girl gets up on stage to announce the show, but then ends up breaking the fourth wall as she complains about not getting much screentime in the anime. I actually agree with this - she's a pretty cool guy (seh does newspaper and doesn't afraid of anything?) The audience, made up entirely of Entrails Animals, doesn't make a sound in response.
The dolls-as-girls are persuaded to go onstage by the lead student council rape girl threatening to whip them (Fetish Fuel for someone), so they all run on stage. The crowd goes wild! Random thing I noticed - the crowd is mostly made up of Entrails Animals we haven't seen in the show so far...but Hara Kiri Tiger appears to be in the top row just as it cuts away from the crowd. This either means H.K.Tiger has a long lost twin or there are multiple messengers shaped like the same animal. Wouldn't that get confusing for everyone involved?
Ack, sorry, tangent! The dolls-as-girls, up on stage, begin their show by revealing the various outfits they have been given to wear. Human!Black Rabbit is wearing a Playboy Bunny outfit; Human!Stray Dog is wearing either a cop's uniform or some kind of airline stewardess outfit; Human!Wildcat is wearing what appears to be Lum's bikini; Human!Hara Kiri Tiger is wearing a nurse outfit and holding a giant syringe. The doll-crowd goes crazy and floods to the front of the stage, cheering with hearts in their eyes.
It is at this moment that the girls all decide to strip naked. Wait, WHAT?! Human!Tiger savors her Gainaxing, but a sheet is quickly thrown over the gang by a passing Kaede Sakura. Wild Mass Guessing! Kaede is actually a Media Watchdog! ...No, wait, that makes no sense.
Kaede feels that the dolls-as-girls remind her of something she holds dear to her. You and me both, Kaede! However, Kaede goes a little too far and asks them all out on a date (somehow, this doesn't seem odd to me anymore) to...this will blow your mind...ENTRAILS LAND! The premiere theme park for all your exposed guts-related action! Year-round passes are available - Kaede has one, of course. Apparently, all of the rides there involve 'ride-ified' versions of torture - there's a drop zone-type ride that's shaped like a guillotine and a merry-go-round where the seats are electric chairs, among other things. We cut back to the main-characters-in-doll-bodies, where Doll!Not-Sakaki feels a pang of shame and Doll!Mikoto mentions curry yet again. Seriously, what's with her and curry?
Eyecatch time! This time around, it's a group pic of everyone! Fitting for the last episode.
Back at the amusement park, the dolls-as-girls and Kaede are taking a photo in one of those cutout things when a theme park employee tells Kaede, a 'regular customer', that a new attraction is ready: something called 'Entrails Friends Square'. I assume they will be dissapointed when it turns out to just be a picture of me and Kaede labelled 'those squares who are friends with Entrails Animals', but that's beside the point. Jokes aside, the actual attraction is...Seasaw 60!? No, wait, it's the Big Balls from Wipeout, except you have to hump them! I can honestly say I've never been to a theme park where the word 'attraction' denotes 'doing random stuff in a tent full of Japanese game show obstacles', but Entrails Land isn't any ordinary theme park. In fact, all this Les Yay is starting to turn them on! Either that, or the contract says this episode needs more fanservice.
The last part of the attraction is a very odd game involving Kaede being tied to a giant pegboard and the other girls racing to sexually harass her in different ways. Should I really be surprised? I still don't know how this counts as a theme park attraction, though. I guess if someone else were watching, it could be some kind of sexual show, though...but nobody else is watching! Oh, and, for no reason, at the end of this part of the 'attraction', all of the girls are wearing fetishy outfits and Kaede runs off as if she just realized how disturbing that was.
Guess where Kaede ran off to? CHURCH. Not making this up, guys. She decides to pray for forgiveness for being sinful and for doing sexual things with so many people. God replies (it's a female voice...I wonder if anyone ships Kaede X God?), referring to Kaede as "an inconcievable strumpet". Ohhhh snap! However, 'God' reveals itself to really be Haruhi Suzumiya the Student Council of Rape dressed up as nuns. They shout at Kaede to 'repent for her sins'. Apparently, repenting for your sins in the world of Kämpfer involves doing a whole bunch of random odd jobs in a photo montage while the Rape Council lounges around with a cardboard cutout of a beach behind them. Every so often, I wonder if I'm making this up out of insanity.
Suddenly, the dolls-as-girls blast through the wall to rescue Kaede from the evil Rape Council! Why? As Human!Tiger puts it..."Because you hold us closest to your heart". Complete with a picture of Kaede huggling a bunch of Entrails Animals in her room. THIS MOMENT WAS WORTH WATCHING ALL OF THE ABOVE. The Rape Council and the dolls-as-girls get ready for an epic showdown...which is interrupted by Human!Tiger falling down, remarking on how being able to feel pain makes her 'feel alive'...and then proceeding to bitchslap everyone, making them fight amongst themselves in order to feel more pain. Wut.
We then cut to a Christmas Tree at night (I actually forgot this episode had anything to do with Christmas), where the dolls-as-girls are thanking Kaede for the day they had, and vice versa. Then the dolls-as-girls spontaniously hitch a ride on Santa's sled and fly off to their 'home planet'...wait, WHAT!? I would call this an Ass Pull, but it's not dissapointing, it's just...WHAT!?
As the episode draws to a close, we see the alternate universe Female!Natsuru is finishing telling the story to her daughter. Whose father is Male!Natsuru with a moustache. Honestly, does anything surprise you anymore? Up in the skies above, Santa!Kaede throws Entrails Animals to the masses, and Pirka sheds a tear, knowing that she might not see the animals again...until her Seppuku Black Rabbit shows up in the mail! Merry Kämpfer to all, and to all a good night.
Wow...so, that was Kämpfer. My first liveblog is finished and it's a pretty big relief to look back and realize that I've written about every episode at long last. There's only one last thing I need to say.
Thanks to everyone who read, commented and enjoyed this Liveblog! Thanks for standing by me even when it seemed I would never finish! I'll make you curry!
If you happen to be Kaede Sakura, send me a personal message and we'll go to Entrails Land together, my treat.
