History UsefulNotes / Abuse

8th Apr '18 7:55:44 AM HasturHasturHastur
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* DisabilityAsAnExcuseForJerkassery: Mental illness is a very frequent cause of abusive behavior, and while it definitely is an explanation, it is never an excuse. Mental illness does not magically cure the pain and trauma that it causes you to inflict upon others, and it also does not absolve you of responsibility for the pain that you have caused. Furthermore, it is not bigoted or ableist to say that there are certain disorders (namely borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and certain types of bipolar disorder) that should ''absolutely'' bar you from dating unless they are properly managed, which means sticking to all prescribed medications and therapy regimens without deviation. Again (because this cannot be stated enough), if you have a disorder that has an extremely high correlation with being toxic or abusive and you are not taking the proper steps to manage it, ''you have no business being in a relationship''.

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* DisabilityAsAnExcuseForJerkassery: Mental illness is a very frequent cause of abusive behavior, and while it definitely is an explanation, it is never an excuse. Mental illness does not magically cure the pain and trauma that it causes you to inflict upon others, and it also does not absolve you of responsibility for the pain that you have caused. Furthermore, it is not bigoted or ableist to say that there are certain disorders (namely borderline (primarily Cluster B personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, disorders and certain types of bipolar disorder) that should ''absolutely'' bar you from dating unless they are properly managed, which means sticking to all prescribed medications and therapy regimens without deviation. Again (because this cannot be stated enough), if you have a disorder that has an extremely high correlation with being toxic or abusive and you are not taking the proper steps to manage it, ''you have no business being in a relationship''.
24th Feb '18 8:32:02 AM HasturHasturHastur
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* ''Total control of one person or group of persons by another person or group of persons''. This is a major warning sign of emotional abuse (which often underlies all abuse) and it enables all forms of abuse. If a religion imposes it, it's almost always a sign of religious abuse afoot. In fact, it is arguably the most obvious warning sign of abuse ever to exist. The ''only'' times this could arguably not be a sign of abuse is if it is the limited result of a Total Power Exchange or Gorean kink relationship - and even there it should be watched very, very carefully for development into abuse.

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* ''Total control of one person or group of persons by another person or group of persons''. This is a major warning sign of emotional abuse (which often underlies all abuse) and it enables all forms of abuse. If a religion imposes it, it's almost always a sign of religious abuse afoot. In fact, This is also why large age gaps in relationships where one partner is significantly younger are also subject to heavy scrutiny; youthful naivete, inexperience with relationships, and the tendency to not know what you don't know that comes with being young all combine to make younger partners great targets for abusive older partners who can easily groom them. If a relationship with a large age gap has a younger partner who is visibly subservient, there is a ''very'' good chance that it's only the tip of the iceberg. As a whole, it is arguably the most obvious warning sign of abuse ever to exist. The ''only'' times this could arguably not be a sign of abuse is if it is the limited result of a Total Power Exchange or Gorean kink relationship - and even there it should be watched very, very carefully for development into abuse.
24th Feb '18 8:11:36 AM HasturHasturHastur
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* UsefulNotes/VictimBlaming. This can take dozens of forms (see the link for more details), but always boils down to the idea that a victim is somehow responsible for what happened to them. It can happen when victims blame themselves (see above), when abusers portray their actions as [[NeverMyFault never being their fault]], or when people try to cast doubt on the victim's story ("She led him on. He provoked him. They were asking for it"). Suffice to say, this way of thinking lacks not only basic empathy but plain common sense. Everyone is only responsible for ''their own'' actions and choices. Nothing anybody does can create an obligation for someone else to abuse them; it's the abuser's choice how to respond. Abusive actions are simply never justified, no matter what someone else may be saying or wearing or doing. Therefore it is ''never'' your fault whatever someone else chooses to do to you. That's on them. Period.

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* UsefulNotes/VictimBlaming. This can take dozens of forms (see the link for more details), but always boils down to the idea that a victim is somehow responsible for what happened to them. It can happen when victims blame themselves (see above), when abusers portray their actions as [[NeverMyFault never being their fault]], or when people try to cast doubt on the victim's story ("She led him on. He provoked him. They were asking for it"). Suffice to say, this way of thinking lacks not only basic empathy but plain common sense. Everyone is only responsible for ''their own'' actions and choices. Nothing anybody does can create an obligation for someone else to abuse them; it's the abuser's choice how to respond. Abusive actions are simply never justified, no matter what someone else may be saying or wearing or doing. Therefore it is ''never'' your fault whatever someone else chooses to do to you. That's on them. Period. At best, toxic or abusive behavior in response to toxic or abusive behavior from a partner is a surefire indication of an extremely unhealthy or outright mutually abusive relationship, but regardless of ''why'' you did it, the point is that ''both of you did it of your own volition''. Neither of you ''made'' the other act in an abusive manner.
20th Nov '17 6:30:29 AM HasturHasturHastur
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Added DiffLines:

* CrazyJealousGuy[=/=]ClingyJealousGirl: Paranoid, pathological jealousy ''is not love''. At best, it is extreme insecurity that has metastasized into something far more pernicious and toxic, and at worst, it's a particularly vile deliberate form of control from someone who seeks to isolate their victim, as anyone who has to endure a battery of invasive questions whenever they go out on their own that don't ever seem to have satisfactory answers unless they reinforce the narrative that the questioner has already created will eventually just stop going out and associating with their own friends altogether rather than continually be interrogated. This also ties into "my ex fucked me up"; if a past partner or partners cheated on you and you find yourself constantly looking for hints that your current partner is cheating and have an extremely difficult time accepting even the most reasonable of explanations or defenses regarding a person or situation that you've inquired about, ''get therapy''.
31st Oct '17 11:06:04 PM ectostar
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* "Only women and children can be abused, DomesticAbuse is the only abuse." Abuse can happen in ANY interpersonal relationship. In DomesticAbuse alone, you can have men abusing women, women abusing men, men, women, or both abusing children, adult children abusing parents, and/or siblings abusing each other. In some jurisdictions, even roommates are covered by the domestic violence laws. GLBTQIA couples are also not immune to DomesticAbuse. Nor is DomesticAbuse the only context in which abuse can happen, there are other contexts:

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* "Only women and children can be abused, only men can be abusive, and/or DomesticAbuse is the only abuse." Abuse can happen in ANY interpersonal relationship. In DomesticAbuse alone, you can have men abusing women, women abusing men, men, women, or both abusing children, adult children abusing parents, and/or siblings abusing each other. In some jurisdictions, even roommates are covered by the domestic violence laws. GLBTQIA LGBTQIA couples are also not immune to DomesticAbuse. Nor is DomesticAbuse the only context in which abuse can happen, there are other contexts:



!!Support and advocacy groups:
* [[https://www.rainn.org/ RAINN]]: Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network: 1-800-656-4673
* [[http://www.snapnetwork.org/contact SNAP]]: Survivors' Network of those Abused by Priests (and other clergy) : 1-877-762-7432

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!!Support and advocacy groups:
groups

* [[https://www.rainn.org/ RAINN]]: Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network: Network; 1-800-656-4673
* [[http://www.snapnetwork.org/contact SNAP]]: Survivors' Network of those Abused by Priests (and other clergy) : ; 1-877-762-7432




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* [[http://mdsa.squarespace.com/ Making Daughters Safe Again]]: Support and advocate for survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse



* [[http://www.enlightened-spirituality.org/Healing_abusive_models_of_God.html Healing abusive models of God by Timothy Conway]]

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* [[http://www.enlightened-spirituality.org/Healing_abusive_models_of_God.html Healing abusive models of God by Timothy Conway]]Conway]]
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4th Oct '17 6:18:10 AM HasturHasturHastur
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Added DiffLines:

* "My ex fucked me up." If you have been in an abusive relationship and you have been so heavily damaged by the ordeal that you yourself have fallen into toxic or abusive behavior patterns and can't function in a healthy manner within the context of a relationship, then you should be receiving professional help from a good therapist, NOT entering into another relationship and continuing the cycle. Abuse can absolutely destroy your ability to function healthily with partners, but it is no excuse for going on to victimize people yourself.
30th Sep '17 2:54:21 PM HasturHasturHastur
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* "Time heals all wounds." As anyone who has experienced traumatic events can tell you, old wounds do not just politely disappear because you left them sitting untouched, and wounds caused by abuse are no different.




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* DisabilityAsAnExcuseForJerkassery: Mental illness is a very frequent cause of abusive behavior, and while it definitely is an explanation, it is never an excuse. Mental illness does not magically cure the pain and trauma that it causes you to inflict upon others, and it also does not absolve you of responsibility for the pain that you have caused. Furthermore, it is not bigoted or ableist to say that there are certain disorders (namely borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and certain types of bipolar disorder) that should ''absolutely'' bar you from dating unless they are properly managed, which means sticking to all prescribed medications and therapy regimens without deviation. Again (because this cannot be stated enough), if you have a disorder that has an extremely high correlation with being toxic or abusive and you are not taking the proper steps to manage it, ''you have no business being in a relationship''.



Sexual abuse encompasses abusive acts that have a sexual component: rape, various forms of dubiously-consensual sex, forced or coerced sex of any sort, child molestation, forced sex work and sexual harassment. It almost always contains strong elements of emotional abuse as well. In fact, it could be argued that sexual abuse is a combination of physical and emotional abuse, and is often found with both.

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Sexual abuse encompasses abusive acts that have a sexual component: rape, incest, grooming (both child and adult), various forms of dubiously-consensual sex, forced or coerced sex of any sort, child molestation, forced sex work and work, sexual harassment.harassment, and emotional incest. It almost always contains strong elements of emotional abuse as well. In fact, it could be argued that sexual abuse is a combination of physical and emotional abuse, and is often found with both.
both; even emotional incest, which itself doesn't involve a physical component (though it frequently can progress into actual physical incest), is still incredibly damaging to victims.
6th Aug '17 7:11:41 PM rjd1922
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* "Everyone should just forgive and forget." One way abusers dodge responsibility is by ''appearing'' conciliatory. Psychopathic abusers especially are notoriously slick at escaping accountability in any way possible. For "forgive and forget" to even ''be'' a healthy decision, people(not just a targeted person) need to keep responsibility on an abuser without letting him/her off the hook. The abuse has to ''actually be over''. An abuser has to actually be of mind to become a better person. That, however, is unlikely. Abuse can't be just in the calm parts of an ongoing cycle of abuse or continuing covertly with an abuser pretending to have changed. Such often happens after public "amends" have been made. Stopping abuse can't be just lip service. An abuser has to be held responsible for stopping abusive conduct and improving his own behavior. Even if any of this is possible or likely, a victim of abuse can justifiably be uncomfortable around abusers, even former and repentant ones. "Forgive and forget" is a dangerous and harmful platitude. An unlucky party who has experienced abuse has a right to continue his/her life without any obligation to "forgive and forget" and any interference from an abuser.

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* "Everyone should just forgive and forget." One way abusers dodge responsibility is by ''appearing'' conciliatory. Psychopathic abusers especially are notoriously slick at escaping accountability in any way possible. For "forgive and forget" to even ''be'' a healthy decision, people(not people (not just a targeted an abused person) need to keep responsibility on an abuser without letting him/her off the hook. The abuse has to ''actually be over''. An abuser has to actually be of mind to become a better person. That, however, is unlikely. Abuse can't be just in the calm parts of an ongoing cycle of abuse or continuing covertly with an abuser pretending to have changed. Such often happens after public "amends" have been made. Stopping abuse can't be just lip service. An abuser has to be held responsible for stopping abusive conduct and improving his own behavior. Even if any of this is possible or likely, a victim of abuse can justifiably be uncomfortable around abusers, even former and repentant ones. "Forgive and forget" is a dangerous and harmful platitude. An unlucky party who has experienced abuse has a right to continue his/her life without any obligation to "forgive and forget" and any interference from an abuser.
2nd Aug '17 1:57:56 AM ectostar
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* ''Seek medical help.'' This is ''highly'' important especially with prolonged physical abuse or with sexual abuse. Beatings especially can inflict damage even beyond visible damage, e.g. postconcussive syndrome and other traumatic brain injury from repeated blows to the head or face, nerve damage from being hit elsewhere and STDs or internal injury from sexual abuse. Medical professionals, in the US, are also mandated reporters, if you tell them you are being abused or have injuries that suggest abuse. This can be valuable, if you wish to contact the police. Even if you've already escaped your abuser and do not need law enforcement intervention, mentioning what has happened to you in the past is important so you can be properly tested for any conditions from the abuse and they can be treated.

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* ''Seek medical help.'' This is ''highly'' important especially with prolonged physical abuse or with sexual abuse. Beatings especially can inflict damage even beyond visible damage, e.g. postconcussive syndrome and other traumatic brain injury from repeated blows to the head or face, nerve damage from being hit elsewhere and STDs [=STDs=] or internal injury from sexual abuse. Medical professionals, in the US, are also mandated reporters, if you tell them you are being abused or have injuries that suggest abuse. This can be valuable, if you wish to contact the police. Even if you've already escaped your abuser and do not need law enforcement intervention, mentioning what has happened to you in the past is important so you can be properly tested for any conditions from the abuse and they can be treated.
14th Mar '17 12:31:44 PM MegaJ
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* * In the UK there's [[http://www.mankind.org.uk/ The Mankind Initiative]] specifically for male victims: 01823 334244




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* [[http://www.oneinthree.com.au/servicesandresources/ The One in Three Campaign]]: Australian resource for male victims
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