History Quotes / TheComputerIsACheatingBastard

-->--'''David Wong''', ''JohnDiesAtTheEnd''

-->--'''[[http://www.hardcoregaming101.net/kusoge/kusoge-teraskasi.htm Bobinator]]''' on ''Franchise/{{Star Wars}}: Masters of Teräs Käsi'' -- PlayStation (1997)

->What I ''really'' hate are the F.B.I. Agents and the Scientists...Tryin' to outrun these guys without steppin' in the holes is a pain in the ass.\\\
* grunt* ''C'mon. C'mon, c'mon you motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker'' '''''RRRRGH''''' (falls)\\\
And how come ''they'' can pass over a hole and ''you'' can't? Yeah, yeah, go ahead! Pass over the hole again, yeah. ''Fuck'' you. [[YourMom I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole.]]

'''Noah:''' The fuck--? He used a ''teleporter?'' That cheating son of a bitch! I swear to God, if I ever play ''[[VideoGame/UltimaVIITheBlackGate Ultima VII]]'' again I'm gonna track him down so I can go to the Forge of Virtue, take [[UnholyNuke the dark core of Exodus]] and send it to the void '''''[[AssShove straight up this cocksucker's cheating ass!]]''''' Who builds a teleporter to cheat at something this fucking petty?

->You know how in most {{FPS}}s you're some [[SpaceMarine sort of hybrid of man and refrigerator]] who can take an entire munitions dump to the face, while the enemies all have armor made of whip cream and skulls made of cake?\\\
Well, it seems going into this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up: The player can't survive more than a measly handfuls of bullet ripping though their flesh, while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the Corn Flakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to Neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant ''you'' get your hands on them.

-->--'''David Wong''', ''JohnDiesAtTheEnd'''

* grunt* ''C'mon. C'mon, c'mon you motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker'' '''''RRRRGH''''' (falls)\\\

->What I ''really'' hate are the F.B.I. Agents and the Scientists...Tryin' to outrun these guys without steppin' in the holes is a pain in the ass. *grunt* ''C'mon. C'mon, c'mon you motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker'' '''''RRRRGH''''' (falls) And how come ''they'' can pass over a hole and ''you'' can't? Yeah, yeah, go ahead! Pass over the hole again, yeah. ''Fuck'' you. [[YourMom I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole.]]

[[folder:fictional]]

->'''Bob''': Matrix! Help!\\
'''Matrix''': I can't! The rules are clear!\\
'''Bob''': You're a renegade! CHEAT!\\
'''Matrix''': Oh, right. ''(cheats)''
-->--''WesternAnimation/{{ReBoot}}'', computer characters abusing the trope, again.

->You don't know how the intruders managed to get past your Zoltan Energy Shield!
-->--'''''VideoGame/FTLFasterThanLight'''''

->[[AC:Due to [[HandWave space treachery]], your enemy will always go first!]]
-->--'''''[[{{Creator/Seanbaby}} Calculords]]'''''

[[folder:reviews]]

->What I ''really'' hate are the F.B.I. Agents and the Scientists...Tryin' to outrun these guys without steppin' in the holes is a pain in the ass. *grunt* ''C'mon. C'mon, c'mon you motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker'' '''''RRRRGH''''' (falls) And how come ''they'' can pass over a hole and ''you'' can't? Yeah, yeah, go ahead! Pass over the hole again, yeah. ''Fuck'' you. [[YourMom I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole.]]
-->--'''WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd''' on ''VideoGame/ETTheExtraTerrestrial''

->Yeah, you know it's a {{Pokemon}} LetsPlay if you get random criticals when you don't need them, your opponent gets them all the time at the most crucial moments, you don't catch Pokémon when they're in perfectly catchable ranges.
-->--'''{{LetsPlay/Chuggaaconroy}}''', ''LetsPlay [[VideoGame/PokemonGoldAndSilver Pokémon Crystal]] - [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRjNVsWzzoc Part 3]]''

->'''Gnu Gnu:''' Hi, there! Want to race me to my Food Shop? Last one there's a rotten egg!\\
'''Noah:''' The fuck--? He used a ''teleporter?'' That cheating son of a bitch! I swear to God, if I ever play ''[[VideoGame/UltimaVIITheBlackGate Ultima VII]]'' again I'm gonna track him down so I can go to the Forge of Virtue, take [[UnholyNuke the dark core of Exodus]] and send it to the void '''''[[AssShove straight up this cocksucker's cheating ass!]]''''' Who builds a teleporter to cheat at something this fucking petty?! ''Fuck'' that guy!
-->--'''[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Noah Antwiler]]''' on ''Franchise/{{Ultima}}: Runes of Virtue''

->How the hell do you have a Dragonite at Level 49, you hacker?! It evolves at 55! This guy...I swear man, this guy hacks.
-->--'''{{LetsPlay/Haydunn}}''', in the [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LlRdOFT6EQ Champion battle]] against Lance in his [[VideoGame/PokemonGoldAndSilver Pokemon Heart Gold]] Nuzlocke

->This is a chess puzzle, sort of--but not really--in that the basic objective is to capture your opponent's king, and believe me, that is far easier said than done. And that's for a couple reasons, but the main reason is ''the computer fucking cheats.'' And the reason for that is you have pawns and knights... at the beginning of the game, your knights are completely frozen until all of your pawns have been killed. However, at the beginning of the game, [[MyRulesAreNotYourRules all of the computer's pieces can move freely]], so the only way to activate your knights is to purposely try to get your pawns killed as quickly as possible (and indeed, this is the correct strategy). However, the computer ''seems to know this'' and purposely goes out of its way to not kill your pieces, because it makes a beeline straight for your king. This means the computer has way more options since it starts with five pieces to your ''three''... I musta played this game thirty or forty times before I actually managed to beat it fair, and I ''did'' have a cheat code. But I didn't use it because I-- [[ItsPersonal this game made it personal]] at some point, y'know? I really had to be this game ''fair'', mano-a-mano. It was [[ManVersusMachine like Kasparov and Deep Blue]].
-->--'''''WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment''''', ''Let's Riff {{VideoGame/Ripper}}''

->''"Oh, and to add insult to injury, Seth is generally regarded as one of the [[CharacterTiers least effective player characters]] in the game. That's right: He's only awesome when he's computer-controlled. Because the computer is a cheap, cheating bastard."''

->''"How the hell do you have a Dragonite at Level 49, you hacker?! It evolves at 55! This guy...I swear man, this guy hacks."''
-->'''{{LetsPlay/Haydunn}}''', in the [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LlRdOFT6EQ Champion battle]] against Lance in his [[VideoGame/PokemonGoldAndSilver Pokemon Heart Gold]] Nuzlocke

->"Don't you know? 'CC' in Mario Kart refers to 'Cheating Capacity'. On 50cc, they have a much lower cheating capacity than on 150cc, where everyone but you is hacking to go max speed all the time."

->What I ''really'' hate are the F.B.I. Agents and the Scientists...Tryin' to outrun these guys without steppin' in the holes is a pain in the ass. *grunt* ''C'mon. C'mon, c'mon you motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker'' '''''RRRRGH''''' (falls) And come ''they'' can pass over a hole and ''you'' can't? Yeah, yeah, go ahead! Pass over the hole again, yeah. ''Fuck'' you. [[YourMom I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole.]]

->You know how in most {{FPS}}s you're some sort of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take the entire munitions dump to the face, while the enemy all have armor made of whip cream and skulls made of cake?\\\

->What I ''really'' hate are the F.B.I. Agents and the Scientists...Tryin' to outrun these guys without steppin' in the holes is a pain in the ass. *grunt* ''C'mon. C'mon, c'mon you motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker'' '''''RRRRGH''''' (falls) And come ''they'' can pass over a hole and ''you'' can't?! Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Pass over the whole again, yeah. Fuck you. [[YourMom I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole.]]
-->--'''''WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd''''' on ''VideoGame/ETTheExtraTerrestrial''

->''"The thing about video game basketball is that the computer decides whether or not the ball goes in when you shoot."''
-->--'''David Wong''', ''JohnDiesAtTheEnd'''

->'''Bob''': Matrix! Help!
->'''Matrix''': I can't! The rules are clear!
->'''Bob''': You're a renegade! CHEAT!
->'''Matrix''': Oh, right.

->''"[[LampshadeHanging You don't know how the intruders managed to get past your Zoltan Energy Shield!]]"'' [a shield with a major feature of blocking teleporting intruders]

->''"[[AC:Due to [[HandWave space treachery]], your enemy will always go first!]]"''

->''"I swear that these games were [[TrollFic programmed by the Joker]]."''
-->-- '''James "WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd" Rolfe''' on ''[[VideoGame/BatmanSunsoft Batman: Return of the Joker]]'' for the GameBoy

->''"Yeah, you know it's a {{Pokemon}} LetsPlay if you get random criticals when you don't need them, your opponent gets them all the time at the most crucial moments, you don't catch Pokémon when they're in perfectly catchable ranges."''
-->'''{{LetsPlay/Chuggaaconroy}}''', ''LetsPlay [[VideoGame/PokemonGoldAndSilver Pokémon Crystal]] - [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRjNVsWzzoc Part 3]]''

->''"You know how in most {{FPS}}s you're some sort of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take the entire munitions dump to the face, while the enemy all have armor made of whip cream and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going into this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up: The player can't survive more than a measly handfuls of bullet ripping though their flesh, while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the Corn Flakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to Neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant ''you'' get your hands on them."''

->''"This is a chess puzzle, sort of--but not really--in that the basic objective is to capture your opponent's king, and believe me, that is far easier said than done. And that's for a couple reasons, but the main reason is ''the computer fucking cheats.'' And the reason for that is you have pawns and knights... at the beginning of the game, your knights are completely frozen until all of your pawns have been killed. However, at the beginning of the game, [[MyRulesAreNotYourRules all of the computer's pieces can move freely]], so the only way to activate your knights is to purposely try to get your pawns killed as quickly as possible (and indeed, this is the correct strategy). However, the computer ''seems to know this'' and purposely goes out of its way to not kill your pieces, because it makes a beeline straight for your king. This means the computer has way more options since it starts with five pieces to your ''three''... I musta played this game thirty or forty times before I actually managed to beat it fair, and I ''did'' have a cheat code. But I didn't use it because I-- [[ItsPersonal this game made it personal]] at some point, y'know? I really had to be this game ''fair'', mano-a-mano. It was [[ManVersusMachine like Kasparov and Deep Blue]]."''

->''"[[LampshadeHanging You don't know how the intruders managed to get past your Zoltan Energy Shield!]]"''

->''"[[AC:Due to space treachery, your enemy will always go first!]]"''

->''"I swear that these games were [[TrollingCreator programmed by The Joker]]."''

->''"This is a chess puzzle, sort of--but not really--in that the basic objective is to capture your opponent's king, and believe, that is far easier said than done. And that's for a couple reasons, but the main reason is ''the computer fucking cheats.'' And the reason for that is you have pawns and knights... at the beginning of the game, your knights are completely frozen until all of your pawns have been killed. However, at the beginning of the game, [[MyRulesAreNotYourRules all of the computer's pieces can move freely]], so the only way to activate your knights is to purposely try to get your pawns killed as quickly as possible (and indeed, this is the correct strategy). However, the computer ''seems to know this'' and purposely goes out of its way to not kill your pieces, because it makes a beeline straight for your king. This means the computer has way more options since it starts with five pieces to your ''three''... I musta played this game thirty or forty times before I actually managed to beat it fair, and I ''did'' have a cheat code. But I didn't use it because I-- [[ItsPersonal this game made it personal]] at some point, y'know? I really had to be this game ''fair'', mano-a-mano. It was [[ManVersusMachine like Kasparov and Deep Blue]]."''

->''"This is a chess puzzle, sort of--but not really--in that the basic objective is to capture your opponent's king, and believe, that is far easier said than done. And that's for a couple reason, but the main reason is ''the computer fucking cheats.'' And the reason for that is you have pawns and knights... at the beginning of the game, your knights are completely frozen until all of your pawns have been killed. However, at the beginning of the game, [[MyRulesAreNotYourRules all of the computer's pieces can move freely]], so the only way to activate your knights is to purposely try to get your pawns killed as quickly as possible (and indeed, this is the correct strategy). However, the computer ''seems to know this'' and purposely goes out of its way to not kill your pieces, because it makes a beeline straight for your king. This means the computer has way more options since it starts with five pieces to your ''three''... I musta played this game thirty or forty times before I actually managed to beat it fair, and I ''did'' have a cheat code. But I didn't use it because I-- [[ItsPersonal this game made it personal]] at some point, y'know? I really had to be this game ''fair'', mano-a-mano. It was [[ManVersusMachine like Kasparov and Deep Blue]]."''

-->--'''VideoGame/FTLFasterThanLight'''

->'''"Chess Wizard" Computer:''' Your move: bishop to knight four. My move: knight to rook three.\\
'''[=MacReady=]:''' Poor baby. You're stating to loose it, aren't you?\\
'''"Chess Wizard" Computer:''' Your move: king to rook one. My move: rook to knight six. Checkmate. Checkmate.\\
''[=MacReady=] pours his drink into the computer tower, frying it''\\

->"You know how in most {{FPS}}s you're some sort of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take the entire munitions dump to the face, while the enemy all have armor made of whip cream and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going into this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up: The player can't survive more than a measly handfuls of bullet ripping though their flesh, while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the Corn Flakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to Neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant ''you'' get your hands on them."
-->--'''WebAnimation/ZeroPunctuation''', ''{{VideoGame/STALKER}}: Clear Sky''

->''"I swear that these games were [[ItAmusedMe programmed by The Joker]]."''

->''"Oh, and to add insult to injury, Seth is generally regarded as one of the [[CharacterTiers least effective player characters]] in the game. That's right: He's only awesome when he's computer-controlled. Because the computer is a cheap, cheating bastard."''
-->-- [[http://www.1up.com/do/feature?pager.offset=0&cId=3179548 Jeremy Parish]] on Seth from ''VideoGame/StreetFighterIV''

->The thing about video game basketball is that the computer decides whether or not the ball goes in when you shoot.
-->'''David Wong, JohnDiesAtTheEnd'''

->"Yeah, you know it's a {{Pokemon}} LetsPlay if you get random criticals when you don't need them, your opponent gets them all the time at the most crucial moments, you don't catch Pokémon when they're in perfectly catchable ranges..."

->"How the hell do you have a Dragonite at Level 49, you hacker?! It evolves at 55! This guy...I swear man, this guy hacks."

->'''Bob''': Matrix! Help!
->'''Matrix''': I can't! The rules are clear!
->'''Bob''': You're a renegade! CHEAT!
->'''Matrix''': Oh, right...
-->''WesternAnimation/{{ReBoot}}'', computer characters abusing the trope, again.

->''"[[LampshadeHanging You don't know how the intruders managed to get past your Zoltan Energy Shield!]]"''
-->--'''VideoGame/FTLFasterThanLight'''

->''(sobbing)'' "That's not fair! THE GAME CAN'T CHANGE '''AS I'M PLAYING IT'''! '''''WHY?!''''' [-[[MadnessMantra I don't wanna play. I don't wanna play. I don't wanna play.]]-] ''([[SandInMyEyes sniff]])'' I don't wanna play. I don't wanna play anymore. I don't want to play this game. This game is terrifying."
-->-- '''{{LetsPlay/Markiplier}}''' plays ''[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUPzEEJpeqg Vanish]]''

->''"I swear that these games were [[ItAmusedMe programmed by The Joker]]."''\\
-- '''James "WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd" Rolfe''' on ''Franchise/{{Batman}}: Return of the Joker''

->'''Computer Chess Game:''' Checkmate. Checkmate.\\

->"[[LampshadeHanging You don't know how the intruders managed to get past your Zoltan Energy Shield!]]"

->"You know how in most {{FPS}}s you're some sort of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take the entire munitions dump to the face, while the enemy all have armor made of whip cream and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going into this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up: The player can't survive more than a measly handfuls of bullet ripping though their flesh while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the Corn Flakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to Neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant ''you'' get your hands on them."

->"You know how in most {{FPS}}s you're some sort of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take the entire munitions dump to the face while the enemy all have armor made of whip cream and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going into this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up: The player can't survive more than a measly handfuls of bullet ripping though their flesh while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the Corn Flakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to Neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant ''you'' get your hands on them."

->'''Computer Chess Game:''' Checkmate. Checkmate.
->''[=MacReady=] pours his drink into the computer tower, frying it''
->'''[=MacReady=]:''' Cheating bitch.

->"You know how in most {{FPS}}s you're some sort of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take the entire munitions dump to the face while the enemy all have armor made of whip cream and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going into this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up: The player can't survive more than a measly handfuls of bullet ripping though their flesh while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the Corn Flakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to Neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant ''you'' get your hands on them. I had to press quicksave more often than the fire button, and this was on Medium difficulty. I'd dread to think what the ''hardest'' difficulty is like. They probably give you a water pistol and replace all the enemies with fire-breathing golden lions."

-- '''James "WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd" Rolfe''' on ''{{Batman}}: Return of the Joker''

->"You know how in most {{FPS}}s you're some sort of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take the entire munitions dump to the face while the enemy all have armor made of whip cream and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going into this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up: The player can't survive more than a measly handfuls of bullet ripping though their flesh while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the Corn Flakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to Neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant ''you'' get your hands on them. I had to press quicksave more often than the fire button, and this was on Medium difficulty. I'd dread to this what the ''hardest'' difficulty is like. They probably give you a water pistol and replace all the enemies with fire-breathing golden lions."