History Quotes / MilesGloriosus

When danger reared it's ugly head,\\

And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat,

And gallantly he chickened out"''
-->--''Film/MontyPythonAndTheHolyGrail''

->''"Scott Rogers is a martial artist with just enough of a New York accent to [[PoesLaw always sound like he's kidding]]...Scott uses a guy named Mike to demonstrate most of his moves. Now, when a martial arts teacher pretends to punch you, it's polite to gently go '[[DullSurprise arrgh]]' as if it hurt you. Mike is very good at this. He even makes different sound effects depending on where Scott pretends to hit him. Filming a karate video is exactly like being seven-years old except for one difference: [[InsultToRocks I've seen seven-year-olds win fights]]."''

--> '''Harrison:''' That bad?
--> '''Jackson:''' That bad. The worst is they're also the biggest braggarts in the country. If you didn't know better, just listening to 'em, you'd swear that their forefathers whupped Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar, and their own martial accomplishments put those to shame. Southern valor, they call it. Bah. I wouldn't trade a whole company of Georgia militia for one Tennessean or two Kentuckians. Well, three Kentuckians. You always got to subtract one Kentuckian on account of the whiskey consumption.

--> '''Andrew Jackson:''' Now [CanineCompanion Old Hussar]], over there, is no lazier. The different is he don't drink, he don't gamble, he don't steal -well, not much; nothing compared to what a [[Georgia militiaman]] will- he don't rape all the womenfolk he can get his paws on, he don't sass you, he don't argue every blasted thing under the sun, and he don't run off in a panic every time a rooster crows or a cat hisses at him.

->'''Trump to dangerous Mexican drug lord''': “I’m going to kick your ass!”\\
'''Dangerous Mexican drug lord’s son to Trump''': “We’re going to git you for that!”\\
'''Trump''': “[[BullyingADragon MOMMY!]]”\\\

->Captain's log. Stardate: the year of the tiger. The battle has been bravely fought, and the suffering of our troops beyond measure. But the alien is invulnerable, and our defeat inevitable. That much is obvious, even from my remote command post here [[ArmchairMilitary at the Times Square Applebee's.]]

->And so, the Coon had returned with the dark lord Franchise/{{Cthulhu|Mythos}}! Upon seeing Cthulhu in person, Mintberry Crunch heroically dashed off, to, to save the day! With Minty coolness he hurried back home!... and heroically watched ''Series/JudgeJudy'', knowing that his superhero friends were probably just fine without him!

-->–-'''[[Creator/{{Aristophanes}} The Frogs]]''', Robert Fagles translation

->And so, the Coon had returned with the dark lord {{Cthulhu|Mythos}}! Upon seeing Cthulhu in person, Mintberry Crunch heroically dashed off, to, to save the day! With Minty coolness he hurried back home!... and heroically watched ''Series/JudgeJudy'', knowing that his superhero friends were probably just fine without him!

->I enlisted in the army of the United States at seventeen; went to the Pacific; did nothing useful--I was just there, as [[RichardNixon Nixon]] used to say, WHEN THE BOMBS WERE FALLING. But, actually, the bombs were not falling on either of us: he was a naval officer making a fortune playing poker...

-->--"Nayv SEAL" Copypasta

->''[-What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in [[RougeAnglesOfStin gorilla warfare]] and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.-]''

->''"I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby."''
-->-- '''Music/BarenakedLadies''', "Falling for the First Time"

->[''after Kim has flown her into the air on a jetpack'']\\
'''Adrena Lynn''': Um, I do extreme stunts for a living. You think I'm afraid of heights?\\
'''Kim''': You ''fake'' extreme stunts! Let the world see how brave you are when there's ''real'' danger.\\
[''Kim does several loop-de-loops, and Adrena Lynn starts to lose her cool'']\\
'''Kim''': Not so extreme after all now, are you? [''does more loops''] ''Are'' you?!\\
'''Adrena Lynn''': N-no!
-->--''WesternAnimation/KimPossible'', "All the News"

->''"I never tried to swim to Fort Sumter. Thomas probably knows [[TallTale that I made it up]], but he wrote about it anyway because he understands the greater truth: Imagination is its own form of courage."''
-->--'''Frank Underwood''', ''Series/HouseOfCardsUS''

->''There once was a hero named Ragnar the Red, who came riding to Whiterun from ole Rorikstead!\\
And the braggart did swagger and brandish his blade, as he told of bold battles and gold he had made!\\
But then he went quiet, did Ragnar the Red, when he met the shieldmaiden Matilda who said...\\
"Oh, you talk and you lie and you drink all our mead! Now I think it's high time that you lie down and bleed!"\\
And so then came the clashing and slashing of steel, as the brave lass Matilda charged in full of zeal!\\
And the braggart named Ragnar was boastful no moooooree... when his ugly red head rolled around on the floor!''
-->--'''"Ragnar the Red"''', ''VideoGame/TheElderScrollsVSkyrim''

->'''Rainbow Dash:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa. Magic's got nothing to do with it. Trixie's just a loudmouth.\\
'''Rarity:''' ''Most'' unpleasant.\\
'''Applejack:''' All hat and no cattle.
-->-- ''WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic'', "Boast Busters"

->Captain's log, stardate, the year of the tiger. The battle has been bravely fought, and the suffering of our troops beyond measure. But the alien is invulnerable, and our defeat inevitable. That much is obvious, even from my remote command post here at the Times Square Applebee's.
-->-- '''Zapp Brannigan''', ''WesternAnimation/{{Futurama}}''

->And so, the Coon had returned with the dark lord {{Cthulhu|Mythos}}! Upon seeing Cthulhu in person, Mintberry Crunch heroically dashed off, to, to save the day! With Minty coolness he hurried back home!... and heroically watched ''Series/JudgeJudy'', knowing that his superhero friends were probably just fine without him!
-->--'''Mintberry Crunch''', ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark''

!!!RealLife
->I enlisted in the army of the United States at seventeen; went to the Pacific; did nothing useful--I was just there, as [[RichardNixon Nixon]] used to say, WHEN THE BOMBS WERE FALLING. But, actually, the bombs were not falling on either of us: he was a naval officer making a fortune playing poker...
-->--'''Creator/GoreVidal''', ''Vanity Fair'', 1999

->[[Creator/JeanClaudeVanDamme Van Damme]] was there with Seagal, [[Creator/BruceWillis Willis]], [[Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger Schwarzenegger]], Shaquille O Neal, Don Johnson and {{Music/Madonna}}, it was a heck of a party. Van Damme was tired of Seagal saying he could kick his ass and went right up to him and offered him the chance to step outside so he could wipe the floor with him, or should I say wipe the backyard with him. Seagal [[IHaveToIronMyDog made some excuse and left]]. His destination was some Ocean Drive nightclub in Miami. Van Damme, who was completely berserk, tracked him down and again offered him a fight, and again Seagal [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere pulled a Houdini.]]
-->--'''Creator/SylvesterStallone''' on Creator/StevenSeagal

->I don’t know that much about life, but I do know that it’s probably not a good idea to threaten to beat up Mexico’s biggest drug lord who just escaped out of prison and is responsible for thousands of murders. But since Creator/DonaldTrump’s brain checked out of his head a long time ago, he threatened to beat up a Mexican drug lord on Twitter...And if you need a quick recap of this post, here you go:

'''Trump''': “MOMMY!”\\\

-->--'''[[http://deadspin.com/not-all-hot-takes-are-stupid-1657804265 Drew Magary]]''', "Not All Hot Takes Are Stupid!"

->''"A divine vessel of peace, Steven Seagal [[{{Hypocrite}} carries a concealed weapon]] at all times, and supposedly had a custom tuxedo made for the Academy Awards, capable of concealing two guns, in case one of the enemies he'd made as an international man of mystery decided to take him out onstage, mowing down Creator/AngelaLansbury as collateral damage.”''
-->--'''Stuart Millard''', ''Smoke & Mirrors and Steven Seagal''

->''"In 2011 he proclaimed himself a "natural" at "game" (in other words, [[CasanovaWannabe a born pick-up artist]]). Since he also describes himself as a [[AsLongAsItSoundsForeign natural polyglot]], an [[WhatTheFuAreYouDoing expert martial artist]], a [[AttentionWhore natural small-unit leader]], a [[DreadfulMusician natural flutist]] and "a natural witch, albeit of a kind uncommon in this century," a [[CrazySurvivalist natural marksman]] who can "think like a warrior" and break safety rules which "civilians" blindly follow, and speaks with confidence about historical linguistics perhaps this claim should not be taken too seriously."''
-->--'''''Wiki/RationalWiki''''' on natural computer hacker Eric S. Raymond

[''Kim does several loop-de-loops, and Adrena Lynn starts to lose her cool'']//

->I don’t know that much about life, but I do know that it’s probably not a good idea to threaten to beat up Mexico’s biggest drug lord who just escaped out of prison and is responsible for thousands of murders. But since Creator/DonaldTrump’s brain checked out of his head a long time ago, he threatened to beat up a Mexican drug lord on Twitter...And if you need a quick recap of this post, here you go:\\\

->A divine vessel of peace, Steven Seagal [[{{Hypocrite}} carries a concealed weapon]] at all times, and supposedly had a custom tuxedo made for the Academy Awards, capable of concealing two guns, in case one of the enemies he'd made as an international man of mystery decided to take him out onstage, mowing down Creator/AngelaLansbury as collateral damage.”''

->''"Scott Rogers is a martial artist with just enough of a New York accent to [[PoesLaw always sound like he's kidding]]...Scott uses a guy named Mike to demonstrate most of his moves. Now, when a martial arts teacher pretends to punch you, it's polite to gently go '[[BadBadActing arrgh]]' as if it hurt you. Mike is very good at this. He even makes different sound effects depending on where Scott pretends to hit him. Filming a karate video is exactly like being seven-years old except for one difference: [[InsultToRocks I've seen seven-year-olds win fights]].

->Scott Rogers is a martial artist with just enough of [[BrooklynRage a New York accent]] to always sound like he's kidding. His video set explains how to defend against every bar weapon, including pool cues, karate chops, knives and guns... Scott uses a guy named Mike to demonstrate most of his moves. Now, when a martial arts teacher pretends to punch you, it's polite to gently go '[[BadBadActing arrgh]]' as if it hurt you. Mike is very good at this. He even makes different sound effects depending on where Scott pretends to hit him. Filming a karate video is exactly like being seven-years old except for one difference: [[InsultToRocks I've seen seven-year-olds win fights]].

->A divine vessel of peace, Steven Seagal [[{{Hypocrite}} carries a concealed weapon]] at all times, and supposedly had a custom tuxedo made for the Academy Awards, capable of concealing two guns, in case one of the enemies he'd made as an international man of mystery decided to take him out onstage, mowing down Creator/AngelaLansbury as collateral damage...The most famous tale, Seagal's 'Creator/EddieMurphy in an elevator,' happened on the set of ''Film/OutForJustice''. After bragging that he was incapable of being choked, due to extra-sensory techniques, Seagal was put into a choke-hold by a stunt coordinator. That stuntman was 'Judo' Gene [=LeBell=], 58 at the time, but legitimately one of the toughest men who ever lived. As [=LeBell=] tells it, with the hold applied, Seagal proceeded to [[TryingToCatchMeFightingDirty karate chop him in the bollocks]] as an attempted escape, before [[BringMyBrownPants passing out and soiling himself.]] In his defence, Seagal calls [=LeBell=] a scumbag pathological liar, while probably adding ''“Man, do they ever clean the drains around here? [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Smells like someone, not me, took a giant poop.]]”''

->[[Creator/JeanClaudeVanDamme Van Damme]] was there with Seagal, [[Creator/BruceWillis Willis]], [[Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger Schwarzenegger]], Shaquille O Neal, Don Johnson and {{Madonna}}, it was a heck of a party. Van Damme was tired of Seagal saying he could kick his ass and went right up to him and offered him the chance to step outside so he could wipe the floor with him, or should I say wipe the backyard with him. Seagal [[IHaveToIronMyDog made some excuse and left]]. His destination was some Ocean Drive nightclub in Miami. Van Damme, who was completely berserk, tracked him down and again offered him a fight, and again Seagal [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere pulled a Houdini.]]

->A divine vessel of peace, Steven Seagal [[{{Hypocrite}} carries a concealed weapon]] at all times, and supposedly had a custom tuxedo made for the Academy Awards, capable of concealing two guns, in case one of the enemies he'd made as an international man of mystery decided to take him out onstage, mowing down Creator/AngelaLansbury as collateral damage...The most famous tale, Seagal's 'Creator/EddieMurphy in an elevator,' happened on the set of ''Film/OutForJustice''. After bragging that he was incapable of being choked, due to extra-sensory techniques, Seagal was put into a choke-hold by a stunt coordinator. That stuntman was 'Judo' Gene [=LeBell=], 58 at the time, but legitimately one of the toughest men who ever lived. As [=LeBell=] tells it, with the hold applied, Seagal proceeded to karate chop him in the bollocks as an attempted escape, before [[BringMyBrownPants passing out and soiling himself.]] In his defence, Seagal calls [=LeBell=] a scumbag pathological liar, while probably adding ''“Man, do they ever clean the drains around here? [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Smells like someone, not me, took a giant poop.]]”''

->A divine vessel of peace, Steven Seagal carries a concealed weapon at all times, and supposedly had a custom tuxedo made for the Academy Awards, capable of concealing two guns, in case one of the enemies he'd made as an international man of mystery decided to take him out onstage, mowing down Creator/AngelaLansbury as collateral damage...There are no shortage of stories about Seagal taking a pasting, but most read like wishful thinking towards a guy who constantly acts like a giant tool, and swans about claiming to be the only 'real' martial artist, unlike those other phonies who'd hide in a closet if they saw him coming, shivering over a warm puddle of their own urine. One rumour has Seagal being squeezed down to his knees during an airport handshake duel with WWE wrestler [[Wrestling/CurtHennig Mr. Perfect]]. The most famous tale, Seagal's 'Creator/EddieMurphy in an elevator,' happened on the set of ''Film/OutForJustice''. After bragging that he was incapable of being choked, due to extra-sensory techniques, Seagal was put into a choke-hold by a stunt coordinator. That stuntman was 'Judo' Gene [=LeBell=], 58 at the time, but legitimately one of the toughest men who ever lived. As [=LeBell=] tells it, with the hold applied, Seagal proceeded to karate chop him in the bollocks as an attempted escape, before [[BringMyBrownPants passing out and soiling himself.]] In his defence, Seagal calls [=LeBell=] a scumbag pathological liar, while probably adding ''“Man, do they ever clean the drains around here? [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Smells like someone, not me, took a giant poop.]]”''

-->--'''Creator/SylvesterStallone''' on StevenSeagal


->'There's too much money in my fucking hand!' Oh, don't worry, Johnny. Flip more people the bird, and the NFL's [[MoralGuardians morality police]] will happily relieve you of that cash...I say all this as someone who likes Manziel. I would prefer to ignore the rather obvious fact that Johnny is here for [[HookersAndBlow the money and the girls]], and just pretend he's some magical throwback that can turn it on when the game starts, like John Belushi hitting every line in a sketch [[BunnyEarsLawyer after shooting 50 speedballs.]] But my inner football tightass knows this isn't how it works. My inner football tightass knows that Manziel is about to get his ass kicked.
-->--'''[[http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-cleveland-browns-1626915245 Drew Magary]]''', "Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Cleavland Browns"

->On Wednesday night, the world we live in became a confusing and unfamiliar place and most of us wandered the land not knowing what to believe when Brian Williams admitted that he was never in a chopper that was hit by RPG fire in Iraq in 2003. Brian was actually safely traveling in a different chopper. How can we believe anything now that Brian Williams has dribbled out lies to us? When Brian Williams says, ''“Good evening, I’m Brian Williams and this is the Nighty News,”'' do we know for sure it’s the evening and that it’s a good evening and that his name really is Brian Williams? Is that picture of Brian Williams’ supposed bulge a picture of his actual bulge or did he just stuff his khakis with the sack he keeps his lies in? Everything is squint-worthy now!!!\\\
After getting called out on the lie he told, Brian said in Wednesday night’s broadcast of the ''NBC Nightly News'' that he ''“misremembered”'' the whole thing...while reporting in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, Brian claimed to have seen a dead body floating in [[UsefulNotes/NewOrleans the French Quarter]]. But apparently, the French Quarter did not flood during Hurricane Katrina and remained pretty dry. Brian also claimed he got sick with dysentery after accidentally drinking floodwater, but a local health expert doesn’t remember anyone coming down with that shit. Basically, everything is a lie. Was Brian Williams even in New Orleans and Iraq? He was probably just reporting in front of a green screen. Has he even been in a helicopter? Riding in a helicopter while playing ''Franchise/CallOfDuty'' doesn’t count. Is Brian Williams real? Are we sure he’s not just a hologram made by NBC?\\\
...What if Brian Williams got caught in that lie years ago and was fired? If that happened, Allison Williams probably wouldn’t have been cast in ''{{Series/Girls}}'', which means NBC wouldn’t have cast her as Peter Pan, which means we would have [[BrainBleach never seen Peter Pan get his butt munched by a bearded hipster.]] We have to go back!
-->--'''[[http://dlisted.com/2015/02/06/tom-brokaw-wants-that-lying-lie-teller-liar-brian-williams-fired/ Michael K.]]''', " Tom Brokaw is the Salome to Brian Williams’ John the Baptist"