History Main / RussianHumour

** ''Seventeen Moments of Spring'' was recently re-released in color. This led to a few new Stirlitz jokes, centered on colors. Here's one.

* Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev. He was a Red Army hero of the Russian Civil War, in the rank of Division Commander (roughly equivalent of [[ModernMajorGeneral Major General]]), and was featured in a hugely popular 1934 biopic. Other characters from the biopic like his [[TheLancer aide-de-camp]] Petka, Anka [[ActionGirl The Machine-Gunner]], and [[ThePoliticalOfficer political commissar]] Furmanov, all based on real people, are also featured in the jokes. Most common topics are about their fight with the White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into the Frunze Military Academy, his folk-cunning and his incompetence in book military science, and the circumstances of his death; Officially and in the book, he was machine-gunned by the Whites while attempting to flee across the Ural River after a lost battle. It is said that Marshal Budyonny, upon hearing some of the jokes, said "I told him; unless you study, you'll be everyone's laughing stock".

''Chapayev pours out all the potatoes onto a table and starts arranging them--"See, Petka, here are the Whites, and here we are."''[[note]]Based on an actual scene from the movie where Chapayev does use potatoes as props for a strategy lesson.[[/note]]

:::[[{{DontExplainTheJoke}} Yes, only the]] [[UsefulNotes/RussiansWithRifles the Royal Army]] had generals and formal styles in the civil war. Reds, Greens, and Blacks had [[InsistentTerminology commanders, not officers]].)

---> -Of course. Well, kids, I fought in the civil war. It was a fine morning in September, I remember it as if it were only yesterday... our platoon had had a long march and we were resting on the banks of a river. So I'm sitting there, eating an apple, my machine-gun in my lap. Then suddenly, I see movement - there's some guy swimming across the river. His Excellency the General, next to me, jumps up and shouts "''It's Chapayev!'' Shoot, Ivan, Shoot!"

---> -Of course. Well, kids, I fought in the civil war. It was a fine morning in September, I remember it as if it were only yesterday... our platoon had had a long march and we were resting on the banks of a river. So I'm sitting there, eating an apple, my machine-gun in my lap. Then suddenly, I see movement - there's some guy swimming across the river. The Right Excellent General, next to me, jumps up and shouts "''It's Chapayev!'' Shoot, Ivan, Shoot!"
:::[[{{DontExplainTheJoke}} Yes, only the]] [[UsefulNotes/RussiansWithRifles the Royal Army]] had generals and formal styles of address in the civil war. Reds, Greens, and Blacks had [[InsistentTerminology commanders, not officers]].)

:::[[{{DontExplainTheJoke}} Yes, only the]] [[UsefulNotes/RussiansWithRifles the Royal Army]] had lords or generals in the civil war. Reds, Greens, and Blacks had [[InsistentTerminology commanders, not officers]].)

---> -Of course. Well, kids, I fought in the civil war. It was a fine morning in September, I remember it as if it were only yesterday... our platoon had had a long march and we were resting on the banks of a river. So I'm sitting there, eating an apple, my machine-gun in my lap. Then suddenly, I see movement - there's some guy swimming across the river. His Lordship the General, next to me, jumps up and shouts "''It's Chapayev!'' Shoot, Ivan, Shoot!"

--> '''Sarah''': You know those ten rubles my husband borrowed from you? Well, he's not giving them back! (*''slams window, turns back to Rabinovich'') There. Now just you settle down and let Levi be the sleepless one!

** Stirlitz (played by Creator/VyacheslavTikhonov in the TV series) wakes up in a cell with no recollection of how he got there. "Who got me? Which name should I use?" - he wonders. - "Let's see. If they wear black (SS) uniforms, I'll say I'm Standartenführer Stirlitz. If they wear green (Red Army) uniforms, I'm Colonel Isayev". The door opens and a blue-uniformed NKVD policeman comes in saying: "You really should ease up on the vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!"

** Vovochka is peeking through the keyhole of his parents bedroom: "And ''these'' people won't let me pick my nose"

* Animals. These jokes are based around animal behavior stereotypes, which have their roots in Myth/RussianMythologyAndTales: the [[SavageWolf violent Wolf]], the [[CunningLikeAFox sneaky]] and [[FoxyVixen promiscuous]] Vixen, the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, and the [[KingOfBeasts king of the animal kingdom, the Lion]]. The Hedgehog is a complex case, since he is basically the all-round Russian [[EverythingsBetterWithPenguins penguin]].

-->'''NCO''' returns and says: Recruit, you are right! Water indeed does boil at 100 degrees. 90 degrees is a straight angle!

** In heaven, God has decided that only the people with the worst death stories may enter. So the first guy shows up and god asks him what his story is. The man says "I came home from a business tripe to finding my wife naked in our bed, with our balcony door open. I knew she was cheating so I ran outside and saw a guy hanging on the balcony. So I took my hammer and hit his fingers until he fell. But he landed in some garbage and survived. So I took our wardrobe and hurled it off the balcony to finish him off. But it was too heavy, and I had a heart attack, so here I am." God thinks and lets him in. The next man comes up and God asks him what his story is. He says "I was working out on my balcony when I slipped and fell off. But I got lucky: I grabbed on to my downstairs neighbors balcony. But suddenly, this asshole comes out and starts hammering at my fingers until I fell off again. But I got lucky again: I fell on some soft garbage and survived. But this asshole then runs out onto his balcony and throws a damn wardrobe at me, so here I am." God thinks and lets him in. The next man comes up. God says "So, what's your story?" "Well," says the man, "imagine this: I'm hiding in a wardrobe..."

--> The Japanese (who in late-Soviet era stereotyped as bleeding edge high-tech, legit for the times) are visiting Soviet Union in a friendly "exchange of expertise". They visit cities, plants, R & D centers... And eventually the program is concluded, Japanese delegation is about to board the plane home. "So, what do you think? How do you like USSR?" - Russians ask. "We cannot help but comment your children. Beautiful, smart, enegretic!" - Japanese reply. "Thank you! And what else?" - "Your children are just brilliant, really." But Russians insist: "Yes, but what you think of our technology? Manufacturing? R & D?" - "Yes, Russian children are very, very good. And what you do using your hands is quite bad."

** Chinese. Most jokes revolve around their sheer numbers and sometimes backwardness mixed with ambition.

*** Incidentally, there's a same joke (?) about Mussolini.
*** Well, this is not necessarily funny, because of political abuse of psychiatry in the USSR, where dissidents got "diagnosed" with such things as "sluggish paranoid schizophrenia." One term for it was Kарательная психиатрия (punitive psychiatry). Some asylums got funny names, based on word-plays and later influenced internet culture.
** Laughing at "not necessarily funny" (and actually kind of horrible) stuff is the standard operating procedure of Russian Humour. It's that kind of country.

* Vovochka (a diminuitive form of "Vova", itself, in turn, a diminutive form of "Vladimir"). A stereotypical Russian [[OrdinaryHighSchoolStudent school student]] (depending on the story, his age may vary from kindergarten to high school): not too bright, not interested in studying, either, prone to underage drinking, smoking, and swearing. Think [[TheSimpsons Bart Simpson]], only sometimes worse. He's apparently a subversion of young Vladimir Lenin, who was a role model character in many didactic tales for children. His most common counterpart is Marivanna (shortened of "Maria [[{{UsefulNotes/Patronymic}} Ivanovna]]"), a stereotypical Russian schoolmarm, whose portrayal varies from sympathetic to outright offensive. Ever since UsefulNotes/VladimirPutin got elected President, the joke-tellers went meta and started considering Vovochka anecdotes political jokes.

** In the [[TheGreatPoliticsMessUp post-Soviet era]], a new stereotype of Chukchi has emerged, which is that they are [[TheAlcoholic alcoholics]]. Chukchi music ensemble Music/{{Ergyron}} touch on this in their "anti-alcohol song."

---> At -10 degrees Celsius, heating is switched on in British homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At -20, Austrians fly to Málaga, while Finns celebrate midsummer. At -200, hell freezes over and Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest. At -273 absolute zero temperature is reached, all atom movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: "Perkele, a bit chilly today, isn't it?". [[UpToEleven The Siberians start to wear bath robes when smoking on the balcony]].

--> '''Warrant Officer''': Hand carts, you know.[[note]]This is a variant of an old joke that shows up across cultures, with a variety of items. Possibly the oldest involves the medieval Muslim {{Trickster}} Nasruddin Hodja/Goha/Juha, who used donkeys to carrie sacks of hay across a border and turned out to be smuggling donkeys.[[/note]]

--> TASS is reporting that there was an incident yesterday on the Sino-Soviet border. A peacefully-plowing tractor was subject to an unprovoked attack by Chinese forces. The tractor retaliatory barrage suppressed the enemy artillery. TASS is authorized to declare that, should the incident be repeated, the area will be reinforced with seed drills, winnowings and VTOL threshing machines, and noone will be held responsible if a couple of Chinese provinces lay in ruins. (''TASS was the Soviet news agency.'')

** Muller was driving at 120 km/h. Stirlitz was running alongside him, trying to look unhurried.

* Animals. These jokes are based around animal behavior stereotypes, which have their roots in Myth/RussianMythologyAndTales: the [[SavageWolf violent Wolf]], the [[CunningLikeAFox sneaky]] and [[FoxyVixen promiscuous]]) Vixen, the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, and the [[KingOfBeasts king of the animal kingdom, the Lion]]. The Hedgehog is a complex case, since he is basically the all-round Russian [[EverythingsBetterWithPenguins penguin]].

* Animals. These jokes are based around animal behavior stereotypes, which have their roots in Myth/RussianMythologyAndTales: the [[SavageWolf violent Wolf]], the [[CunningLikeAFox sneaky (female) Fox]], the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, and the [[KingOfBeasts king of the animal kingdom, the Lion]]. The Hedgehog is a complex case, since he is basically the all-round Russian [[EverythingsBetterWithPenguins penguin]].

---> '''Announcer in the Helsinki subway:''' Theee neeeext staaation iiis... Heeere it iiis... Staaatioooonen baaaakom oooss vaaaar...

---> '''Announcer in the Estonian subway:''' Theee neeeext staaation iiis... Heeere it iiis...