History Main / RussianHumour

24th Nov '17 2:25:35 AM mindbound
Is there an issue? Send a Message


--> '''Translation''': My darling never kisses me, he's always saying "later, later". Once I came, and he's on an over, rehearsing with a cat.

to:

--> '''Translation''': My darling never kisses me, he's always saying "later, later". Once I came, and he's on an over, oven, rehearsing with a cat.
8th Nov '17 11:47:03 AM TheWildWestPyro
Is there an issue? Send a Message


** The late Russian author Vasily Aksyonov told a story about a Soviet army officer he encountered in the late 1960's, at a time when tensions between the Soviet Union and China were at an all-time high, to the level of [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sino-Soviet_border_conflict open battles on their mutual border]]. Anyway, the officer was crying his eyes out, and Aksyonov asked why. The other man sobbed, "If the Chinese invade us, they'll confiscate my new motorcycle!" Replied Aksyonov, "Aren't you worried that, if we go to war with the United States, the Americans would confiscate your motorcycle?" The officer looked at Aksyonov as though the latter were an idiot and replied scornfully, "Don't be stupid, comrade. The Americans respect private property."

to:

** The late Russian author Vasily Aksyonov told a story about a Soviet army officer he encountered in the late 1960's, at a time when tensions between the Soviet Union and China were at an all-time high, to the level of [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sino-Soviet_border_conflict open battles on their mutual border]]. Anyway, the officer was crying his eyes out, and Aksyonov asked why. The other man sobbed, "If the Chinese invade us, they'll confiscate my new motorcycle!" Replied Aksyonov, "Aren't you worried that, if we go to war with the United States, the Americans would confiscate your motorcycle?" The officer stopped crying, looked at Aksyonov as though the latter were an idiot and replied scornfully, "Don't be stupid, comrade. The Americans respect private property."
12th Oct '17 10:59:10 PM Alceister
Is there an issue? Send a Message


--> The Japanese (who in late-Soviet era stereotyped as bleeding edge high-tech, legit for the times) are visiting Soviet Union in a friendly "exchange of expertise". They visit cities, plants, RnD centers... And eventually the program is concluded, Japanese delegation is about to board the plane home. "So, what do you think? How do you like USSR?" - Russians ask. "We cannot help but comment your children. Beautiful, smart, enegretic!" - Japanese reply. "Thank you! And what else?" - "Your children are just brilliant, really." But Russians insist: "Yes, but what you think of our technology? Manufacturing? RnD?" - "Yes, Russian children are very, very good. And what you do using your hands is quite bad."

to:

--> The Japanese (who in late-Soviet era stereotyped as bleeding edge high-tech, legit for the times) are visiting Soviet Union in a friendly "exchange of expertise". They visit cities, plants, RnD R & D centers... And eventually the program is concluded, Japanese delegation is about to board the plane home. "So, what do you think? How do you like USSR?" - Russians ask. "We cannot help but comment your children. Beautiful, smart, enegretic!" - Japanese reply. "Thank you! And what else?" - "Your children are just brilliant, really." But Russians insist: "Yes, but what you think of our technology? Manufacturing? RnD?" R & D?" - "Yes, Russian children are very, very good. And what you do using your hands is quite bad."
12th Oct '17 10:06:53 PM Alceister
Is there an issue? Send a Message


---> Medvedev decides to follow Putin's steps and go fishing, and suddenly he catches a golden fish. A fish offers him three wishes. "Okay", he thinks, "there's a proverb that Russia has two major troubles: fools and roads. So I'll fix the things with fools, roads and get myself a next generation IPhone". "Fix the roads" he says, and at once all Russian roads are covered with excellent pavement, all bridges are repaired, new ones are built, so the roads look like German ones. "Now fix the fools", he says, and in an instant he changes his mind about an IPhone.

to:

---> Medvedev decides to follow Putin's steps and go fishing, and suddenly he catches a golden fish. A fish offers him three wishes. "Okay", he thinks, "there's a proverb that Russia has two major troubles: fools and roads. So I'll fix the things with fools, roads and get myself a next generation IPhone".iPhone". "Fix the roads" he says, and at once all Russian roads are covered with excellent pavement, all bridges are repaired, new ones are built, so the roads look like German ones. "Now fix the fools", he says, and in an instant he changes his mind about an IPhone.
iPhone.
12th Oct '17 9:27:08 PM Alceister
Is there an issue? Send a Message


** A New Russian exits the Hermitage Museum (Russian Imperial Palace filled with precious works of art): "Meh, what a hovel." (People around look at him reproachfully). "But a tidy one!"

to:

** A New Russian exits the Hermitage Museum (Russian (former Russian Imperial Palace filled with precious priceless works of art): "Meh, what a hovel." (People around look at him reproachfully). "But a tidy one!"
1st Sep '17 1:28:04 PM Koshiku
Is there an issue? Send a Message


* Chastushki is an old form of short funny rhymes, mostly related to love, with a fixed foot, dating back to end of XIX century. Actually, modern Russians tend to think chastushkas existed always.
--> Menya milyj ne tseluet,
--> Govorit potom, potom,
--> Ya prishla, a on na pechke
--> Repetiruet s kotom.
--> '''Translation''': My darling never kisses me, he's always saying "later, later". Once I came, and he's on an over, rehearsing with a cat.

Sometimes they are just funny, other they are full of cussing, oftenly reaching the degree of a {{Cluster F Bomb}}.

--> Polyubila parnia ya,
--> Okazalsa bez huja.
--> Nahuja mne bez huja
--> Kogda s huem dohuja?
--> '''Translation''' (slightly altered for the sake of keeping style): [[spoiler: Once I fell in love with a guy, but the guy do not fuck. Why the fuck I need one who do not fuck, while there's a fucking lot of those who fuck?]] Four cuss words in last two short lines, almost a record.




---> Medvedev decides to follow Putin's steps and go fishing, and suddenly he catches a golden fish. A fish offers him three wishes. "Okay", he thinks, "there's a proverb that Russia has two major troubles: fools and roads. So I'll fix the things with fools, roads and get myself a next generation IPhone". "Fix the roads" he says, and at once all Russian roads are covered with excellent pavement, all bridges are repaired, new ones are built, so the roads look like German ones. "Now fix the fools", he says, and in an instant he changes his mind about an IPhone.



--> TASS is reporting that there was an incident yesterday on the Sino-Soviet border. A peacefully-plowing tractor was subject to an unprovoked attack by Chinese forces. The tractor retaliatory barrage suppressed the enemy artillery. TASS is authorized to declare that, should the incident be repeated, the area will be reinforced with Grad grain trucks and VTOL combines. (''TASS was the Soviet news agency. BM-21 Grad is a mobile rocket launch system.'')

to:

--> TASS is reporting that there was an incident yesterday on the Sino-Soviet border. A peacefully-plowing tractor was subject to an unprovoked attack by Chinese forces. The tractor retaliatory barrage suppressed the enemy artillery. TASS is authorized to declare that, should the incident be repeated, the area will be reinforced with Grad grain trucks seed drills, winnowings and VTOL combines.threshing machines, and noone will be held responsible if a couple of Chinese provinces lay in ruins. (''TASS was the Soviet news agency. BM-21 Grad is a mobile rocket launch system.'')



--> '''Lady''': Comrade Major liked your little joke with the vase.

to:

--> '''Lady''': Comrade Major Captain liked your little joke with the vase.
about Major.

-->Two men are drinking in a train coach, exchanging political jokes. Suddenly, one says he need to leave.
-->- So you need to turn over a tape in your hidden recorder?
-->- Yes.
-->- Never mind then, you can copy mine later.


Added DiffLines:

-->- (with a distinctive Jewish accent) Hello, is it KGB? - Yes, it is. - What time is it now? - Quarter to eight. - Hello, is it KGB? What time is it now? - Ten minutes to eight. - Hello, KGB? What time is it now? - Rabinovich, stop this now, come and get back the freakng alarm clock we confiscated while searching your room.
30th Aug '17 6:24:15 PM Koshiku
Is there an issue? Send a Message


** Supposedly, the first one in the class of wordgame-based jokes sounded like this: "Stirlitz shot Müller. The bullet bounced off. Bronevoy, thought Stirlitz", with the actor Leonid Bronevoy playing Müller in the series, and his last name meaning "armored one".



---> '''Rzhevsky''': Oh Natalie, what a magnificent night this is, with its full moon and bright stars...
---> '''His voice's echo [out of habit]''': fuck me, fuck me, fuck me...

to:

---> --> '''Rzhevsky''': Oh Natalie, what a magnificent night this is, with its full moon and bright stars...
---> --> '''His voice's echo [out of habit]''': fuck me, fuck me, fuck me...



---> '''Natalya''': My goodness, Lieutenant, your boots are ''filthy''! Just look at them, they're ''caked'' in mud!
---> '''Rzhevsky''': Don't you worry, m'lady, once it's dry it'll fall off by itself. / '''Rzhevsky''': It's not mud, m'lady, it's shit.

to:

---> --> '''Natalya''': My goodness, Lieutenant, your boots are ''filthy''! Just look at them, they're ''caked'' in mud!
---> --> '''Rzhevsky''': Don't you worry, m'lady, once it's dry it'll fall off by itself. / '''Rzhevsky''': It's not mud, m'lady, it's shit.
shit.

--> Rzhevsky and Natalia are on a boat in a beautiful pond.
--> '''Natalya''': Look, Lieutenant! Swans! Have you ever thought of becoming a swan?
--> '''Rzhevsky''': Put my naked ass in a cold water? Beg your pardon, mademoiselle, it's not for me.





--> A Lion is walking around the savannah and meets a zebra. - Hey, you, striped one, who's the strongest in the savannah? - Of course you are! - Of course I am. - Then he meets a monkey. - Hey, you, funny one, who's the nicest in the savannah? - Of course you are! - Of course I am. - Then he meets an elephant. - Hey you, the big-eared one, who's the smartest in the savannah? - The elephant without a word grabs him with his trunk and throws him into a nearby swamp. The lion gets out, cleans himself of the mud and mutters: - Well, why won't you just say: "I don't know".

--> A Lion is walking through the forest with a notebook in his paws. - Hey you, fox, come here. That's good, tomorrow breakfast will be fox (writes it down). Tomorrow at dawn you come to my lair, I'll eat you for breakfast. Any questions? No questions? Now go. Hey you, wolf, come here. That's good, tomorrow lunch will be wolf (writes it down). Tomorrow at noon you'll come to my lair, I'll eat you for lunch. Any questions? No questions? Now go. Hey you, hare, come here. That's good, tomorrow dinner will be hare (writes it down). Tomorrow at dusk you'll come to my lair, I'll eat you for dinner. Any questions? - And what if I do not come? - Well, let's strike the hare out.



---> '''Policeman A:''' What did you say? Produce ID! [[IResembleThatRemark (examines the documents, turns to Policeman B) Write down their names!]]
---> '''Policeman C:''' (silently eyes Policemen A & B with suspicion and thinly-veiled contempt)

to:

---> '''Policeman A:''' What did you say? Produce ID! [[IResembleThatRemark (examines (passes the documents, turns documents to Policeman B) Read their names! (turns to the policeman C) Write down them down.]]

--> Why do some policemen have a dog with them when they go on patrol? Because someone has to walk them back to the station at the end of
their names!]]
---> '''Policeman C:''' (silently eyes Policemen A & B with suspicion and thinly-veiled contempt)
shift.



** Georgians are perceived as HotBlooded, Highlander types and usually very rich. Also, they have a ludicrous accent (also seen in Stalin jokes) and sometimes are AmbiguouslyGay. For instance, it is said that in common showers or public bathhouses it's best not to bend down for soap when Georgians are around.

to:

** Georgians are perceived as HotBlooded, Highlander types and usually very rich.rich, oftenly womanizers and sometime proud owners of impossibly large dicks. Also, they have a ludicrous accent (also seen in Stalin jokes) and sometimes are AmbiguouslyGay. For instance, it is said that in common showers or public bathhouses it's best not to bend down for soap when Georgians are around.




to:

--> A mute Georgian wants to buy condoms. He walks into a drug store, pulls down his pants and puts his dick on the counter, along with some money. The pharmacist pulls down his pants too, puts his dick on the counter, and since his one is longer, he takes the money.



** Armenians. Same as Georgians. Minus the Hotblooded part. A meta joke has people telling Georgians jokes about Armenians and vice versa.

to:

** Armenians. Same as Georgians. Minus the Hotblooded part. part, enforce the homosexual tendencies, or at least fondness for anal sex. A meta joke has people telling Georgians jokes about Armenians and vice versa.versa.
--> Why are all Armenians so lucky? Because even Luck is afraid to turn his back on them.


Added DiffLines:

*** Finally:
----> Peope ask the Armenian radio, what is the friendship of all nations? We reply: it's when the people of all Earth: Armenians, Azerbaijanians, Russians, Ukrainians, Germans, Frenchmen, Americans, all of them will gather in one place, hold their hands and go kick some Georgian ass.
22nd Aug '17 11:53:16 AM benda
Is there an issue? Send a Message

Added DiffLines:

*** Incidentally, there's a same joke (?) about Mussolini.
22nd Aug '17 11:42:02 AM benda
Is there an issue? Send a Message


-->'''Student''': Yes sir, it would! But that's against the regulations!

to:

-->'''Student''': Yes sir, it would! But that's against the regulations!regulations! (Variation: Yes, it would! But a Soviet soldier would never fire from behind a corner!)
28th Jun '17 11:11:29 PM permeakra
Is there an issue? Send a Message


* KGB[note]This stands for State Security Committee (Комитет Государственной Безопасности), but a somewhat ironic expansion is Deep Drilling Bureau (Контора Глубокого Бурения). Modern day FSB (Федеральная Служба Безопасности, Federal Security Services) is a direct inheritor of this Bureau, and the word Bureau is often used to reference secret agencies in general.[/note] also gets its own share of jokes:

to:

* KGB[note]This KGB[[note]]This stands for State Security Committee (Комитет Государственной Безопасности), but a somewhat ironic expansion is Deep Drilling Bureau (Контора Глубокого Бурения). Modern day FSB (Федеральная Служба Безопасности, Federal Security Services) is a direct inheritor of this Bureau, and the word Bureau is often used to reference secret agencies in general.[/note] [[/note]] also gets its own share of jokes:
This list shows the last 10 events of 257. Show all.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=Main.RussianHumour