History Funny / Warhammer40000

* Another article from ''The Regimental Standard''[[note]]A Warhammer Community Website designed as a Mock Imperial Guardsman/Astrum Militarum periodical designed to promote various Games Workshop merchandise and kits as blatantly obvious Imperial Propaganda, much in the vein of the ''Imperial Guardsman's Uplifting Primer''[[/note]] is a guide on how to appease the [[https://regimental-standard.com/2019/03/27/thats-the-machine-spirit/Machine Spirit of your weapon]] to maintain proper function. One of the suggestions specifically to maintain proper operation of a lasgun is to use ''"binharic cants"'' to soothe the machine's spirit, such as "''01010000 01100101 01110111 00100001 00100000 01010000 01100101 01110111 00100001''" and "''01001111 01100100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100001 00100000 01000110 01101100 01100001 01110011 01101000 01101100 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100''". Translate them into text, and they read as "Pew! Pew!" and "Ode to a Flashlight".

** Or [[BlatantLies the captions under the illustrations]]. "Ork weapons are extremely crude and prone to misfires or jamming." [[note]]Maybe true, but it's hard for an axe to jam and misfires don't matter much when it's one bullet [[MoreDakka out of a thousand that second]].[[/note]] "Tyranid weapons are formed of living tissues,[[note]]True.[[/note]] they often fall apart." [[note]]''Not'' true.[[/note]] "Eldar technology is antiquated,[[note]] Technically true.[[/note]] Eldar craftsmanship is inferior to our own."[[note]]Haha, no.[[/note]] "Beware the tau - they'll sacrifice your babies to their gods!"[[note]]The Tau are {{Flat Earth Atheist}}s, plus they have very weak Warp presence and thus couldn't form gods if they wanted to. They also lean more toward castration rather than infanticide.[[/note]]

** Remember, the tau are frightened by fire. And water. And thunder. And unnerved by hairy people. [[BlatantLies They are also derived from bovines and chew cud and have udders. They have terrible eyesight so that their hearing overcompensates, allowing you to scare them off with loud shouting. And those guns they're carrying require sustained streams to injure a healthy, armored human.]] It's all there in the manual.
** "Orks are stupid[[note]]True, but they do have their moments of brilliance[[/note]]. [[BoisterousBruiser brittle-boned and feeble]], eldar are [[TheChessmaster cowardly, cynical]] and sport archaic and ineffective weaponry, tyranids are [[HiveMind mindless]], half blind and confused by sudden movements."

** In order to keep the horrors of the warp secret from normal soldiers only the major edition has a page on them and is cleverly hidden in case troopers do manage to get ahold of the book-''it's printed upside down''.

** There's the description of the Ork Pulsa Rokkit from the Apocalypse Reload expansion, which describes the warhead as a device that "generates an unstable forcefield bordering on contradictory physics... The orks like to encourage [its] destabilization by loading it into a missile and firing it at the enemy."

** Then there's the story of the ork Warboss who entered the Warp, came out ''before'' he entered, and then ''tracked down and killed his past self because he wanted two copies of his favorite gun''. The ork army was so confused that they called off their WAAAGH! Just to make this clear, the orks are a species that ''exists'' off of InsaneTrollLogic and they were still confused by this happening.

* From the Dark Eldar 5th Edition Codex: "Asdrubael Vect tricks his would-be rival Archon Kelithresh into opening a casket that has ostensibly been presented as a tithe. Held precariously in the collapsing field of the casket is the unstable essence of a black hole. Kelithresh's entire realm is plunged into a yawning, howling, vortex."

* The Roleplaying game ''Wrath & Glory'' uses six-sided dice, with one designated the "Wrath" die. One face on the Wrath die for the official die set has an image of [[Film/StarTrekIITheWrathOfKhan Ricardo Montalban]] on it

* One of the Chaos Daemons books mentions that the maze which protects Tzeentch's realm in the warp is completely impenetrable... except for that one time two mysterious entities (heavily hinted to be [[ComicBook/TheSandman Delirium and Barnabas]]) wearing the forms of [[Film/TheWizardOfOz a young girl and a small black dog]] solved it easily. Even Tzeentch doesn't know how that happened, since the gate guardian flatly refuses to talk about it beyond accusing her of cheating.

* One of the Chaos Daemons books mentions that the maze which protects Tzeentch's realm in the warp is completely impenetrable... except for that one time two mysterious entities (heavily hinted to be [[ComicBook/TheSandman Delirium and Barnabas]]) solved it easily. Even Tzeentch doesn't know how that happened, since the gate guardian flatly refuses to talk about it beyond accusing her of cheating.

*** "There is no such thing as an honest alien breed, but the tau are more dishonourable than any other." ("...potentially intelligent species.") [Paragraph about the tau using propaganda] "Remember: the tau lie and [[LanguageEqualsThought have no words for 'honour' and 'truth']]." ("...could be negotiated with.")

** The only thing more funny than Ork fluff is ''playing'' as an Ork, provided you're the sort that isn't [[SeriousBusiness overly stern]], just happy leaving things up to the fickle hands of fate (and the dice gods). Rolling out dozens and dozens of dice for a single round of attacks alone can be a hysterical thrill if you get enough to do them all at once, and just seeing the mind-breaking ([[CrackIsCheaper and often expensive]]) Kustom Konversions to models is equal parts funny and awesome; while far from tournament legal, imagine a Tonka Truck bulldozer with a "salvaged" Leman Russ cannon glued to the top and various spikey bitz all around... Oh and painted red to go faster, of course.

** This book also contains the punchline from brick joke started in one of Dan Abbnets Gaunts Ghosts series where a soldier refers to the manual for help in his current situation to find the advice it gives is [[LeeroyJenkins "If in doubt, move forward."]]

* One of the Chaos Daemons books mentions that the maze which protects Tzeentch's realm in the warp is completely impenetrable... except for that one time two mysterious entities (heavily hinted to be [[ComicBook/TheSandman Delerium and Barnabas]]) solved it easily. Even Tzeentch doesn't know how that happened, since the gate guardian flatly refuses to talk about it beyond accusing her of cheating.

Though a bleak and horrifying future, TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} is not without humor. Usually of the gallows kind. Infact, some consider the setting to be a comedy itself. British humour and all...

** His "thank you" letter to an Inquisitor for "gifting" him five regiments of Guard. He replies with an equally interesting gift, a hypercube that is "fascinating, if you can escape from its clutches." Said Inquisitor was a character in the Grey Knight Codex. When the Inquisition split from the Grey Knights, her character profile disappeared implying that, no, she did not escape its clutches. [[spoiler: This was later referenced in ''The Fall of Cadia'', when Trazyn releases one of his Tesseract Vaults and out popped a female Ordo Xenos Inquisitor, albeit this is a different character named Greyfax.]]

* One of the Chaos Daemons books mentions that the maze which protects Tzeentch's realm in the warp is completely impenetrable... except for that one time two mysterious entities (heavily hinted to be [[Literature/LandOfOz Dorothy Gale and Toto]] of all beings, or at least wearing their forms) solved it easily. Even Tzeentch doesn't know how that happened, since the gate guardian flatly refuses to talk about it beyond accusing her of cheating.

* One of the Chaos Daemons books mentions that the maze which protects Tzeentch's realm in the warp is completely impenetrable... except for that one time two mysterious entities (heavily hinted to be [[Literature/LandOfOz Dorothy Gale and Toto]] of all beings) solved it easily. Even Tzeentch doesn't know how that happened, since the gate guardian flatly refuses to talk about it beyond accusing her of cheating.

** "The profoundly deaf Grot gun-crews utilize crude sign-language to communicate. This tends not to work very well, as Grots can only carry [[TalkingWithSigns so many signs]]."

* ''Funny/CiaphasCain''

Though a bleak and horrifying future, TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} is not without humor. Usually of the gallows kind.

** Or [[BlatantLies the captions under the illustrations]]. "Ork weapons are extremely crude and prone to misfires or jamming." [[note]]Maybe true, but it's hard for an axe to misfire.[[/note]] "Tyranid weapons are formed of living tissues,[[note]]True.[[/note]] they often fall apart." [[note]]''Not'' true.[[/note]] "Eldar technology is antiquated,[[note]] Technically true.[[/note]] Eldar craftsmanship is inferior to our own."[[note]]Haha, no.[[/note]] "Beware the tau - they'll sacrifice your babies to their gods!"[[note]]The Tau are {{Flat Earth Atheist}}s, plus they have very weak Warp presence and thus couldn't form gods if they wanted to. They also lean more toward castration rather than infanticide.[[/note]]

* One of the Chaos Daemons books mentions that the maze which protects Tzeentch's realm in the warp is completely impenetrable... except for that one time two mysterious entities (heavily hinted to be [[Literature/LandOfOz Dorothy Gale and Toto]] of all beings) solved it easily. Even Tzeentch doesn't know how that happened, since the gate guardian flatly refuses to talk about it.

** Ork ships in BattlefleetGothic can be equipped with Grot Targeters, which replace images of enemy ships with images of Gretchin. This actually improves the accuracy of their gunners, as every Ork has learned from a young age how to hit Grots.

** His "thank you" letter to an Inquisitor for "gifting" him five regiments of Guard. He replies with an equally interesting gift, a hypercube that is "fascinating, if you can escape from its clutches." Said Inquisitor was a character in the Grey Knight Codex. When the Inquisition split from the Grey Knights, her character profile disappeared implying that, no, she did not escape its clutches. Amusingly enough, [[spoiler: it's confirmed she was caught in ''The Fall of Cadia'', when Trazyn releases her as part of the random Imperial forces he summons to fight Chaos because... well, he felt like it.]]

Though a bleak and horrifying future, TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} is not without humor. Usually of the [[GallowsHumor gallows]] kind.

Though a bleak and horrifying future, TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} is not without humor. Usually of the gallows kind.

** "...Try to manoeuvre around behind [the sentry], using cover as explained in Section 9. ''[[WithCatlikeTread Recite the Litany of Stealth]] (refer to Emperor's Benedictions) to decrease your chances of being heard''. Creep up behind him..."
*** Even funnier when you realize ''[[FridgeBrilliance there is no Litany of Stealth]]''.

*** Actually, it's worse than nothing. Holding your breath would cause your lungs to rupture from the pressure. This only makes it more fitting with [[CriticalResearchFailure the theme]] of the book.
*** It might actually be intended to kill them more quickly.

*** The eyesight part is true-ish, and they ''do'' have hooves.

*** This is especially amusing when you realize that there is a mark printed on every single copy, that would be the punchline.

*** Considering some of the things that Guardsmen have to fight, this is actually sound advice.
*** Or would be, except that the reason people traditionally bayonet enemies in the stomach is because the throat is hard to hit with a stabbing weapon in the heat of battle and the chest is usually armored as center mass and has a high density of bones, like ribs, that can stop a bayonet.

-->'''Trazyn:''' "Theif" normally suffices.

-->'''Kharn''' *''totally not impressed''* Of course, that ridiculous helmet should have given you away.