History Funny / TheBoondocks

* An entire arc is dedicated to Riley getting his hair braided to match the show. Since Granddad won't let him, Riley in acts a XanatosGambit. He spends the entire arc causing trouble around the neighborhood. Since he has an afro, he looks exactly like Huey, who ends up taking the fall for all of Riley's actions. At the end, Riley manages to use reverse psychology on Granddad to allow his hair to get braided. If nothing else, he gets to cause trouble while not getting into any himself.

* A Pimp Named Slickbacks reaction to Quiet Storm complaining about their computers.

'''Robert:''' Dammit, Ruckus! Help me, help me, you fat, black, one-eyed motherfucker!\

* Huey's summary of the movie, ''Film/SoulFood''.
-->'''Huey''': (narrating) ''"Soul Food" is a movie about a big, humongous black grandmother, aptly named 'Big Mama'. Big Mama demonstrates her love by feeding herself and her offspring, enormous amounts of pig lard. Then, get this - Big Mama's arteries are so clogged, they had to amputate her arm...''\\
'''Granddad''': (interrupting) It was her leg!\\
'''Huey''': (annoyed) ''All right, okay, whatever, her leg. Then, she dies of a heart attack...or another stroke...or something.''\\

'''Huey''': ''And what does the family do after she dies? [[AesopAmnesia They get together for a Sunday dinner eating the same food that just killed Big Mama. THE SAME FOOD! They didn't learn a lesson. Nobody went on a diet!]]...And that's the end of the movie.''

* In general, Thugnificent's HumiliationConga throughout the episode, from his mansion falling into disrepair because he can't afford the upkeep, to Riley offhandedly dissing his new AutoTune album, then getting hype over a music video of [[TheRival

* The fates of all of [[CartwrightCurse Jack's]] [[StuffedIntoTheFridge girlfriends]].

* While Bushido Brown is fighting the Hateocracy, he knocks off [[BaldOfEvil Esmeralda]] [[BaldWomen Gripenasty]]'s wig.

[[caption-width-right:350:'''[[BerserkButton "WHAT DID YOU SAY NIGGA?!"]]''']]

'''Riley:''' Hell nigga, [[ComicallyMissingThePoint you gay]].

* (Riley falls out of his chair after eating a monster burger)
-->'''Grandad:''' It's probably the itis, right?\\
'''Huey:''' That or insulin shock! Do CPR!\\

[[caption-width-right:350:'''[[BerserkButton "WHAT DID YOU DAY NIGGA?!"]]''']]

-->'''Riley:''' You have supreme authority over these nuts, nigga! I’m leaving! You wanna stop me, you gonna have to shoot me...
(Huey shoots Riley in his knee, who winces in pain; he glares angrily at Huey while he walks away)

-->'''Booty Warrior:''' When you go to prison, the most important thing in your life is gonna be booty. A man's butt. Booty, getting some booty is more important than eating food. It's more important than drinking water. If I see a man I like, I tell him like this here: *Looks at Tom* I likes you, and I want you. Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. The choice is yours. What's it gonna be? I asked you a question, Tom. I can't hear you.
-->'''Tom:''' I... I don't want to answer.\\

'''Tom:''' I said, I-I don't want to answer. I don't wanna I don't wanna do this anymore.

'''Grandad:'''DAMMIT BOY!

---> '''Caesar:''' "[[http://hueyfreemanonlyspeaksthetruth.tumblr.com/post/48963622276/the-boondocks-comic-strip-664 THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE REVOLUTION! YOU'RE JUST SCARED!]]"

'''Caesar:''' (eyes wide) "What? What?"
'''Huey:''' ([[BlatantLies averting his eyes]]) "Uh... [[ComicStrip/CalvinAndHobbes he gets run over by this little blond kid and a stuffed tiger goin', like, 80 miles per hour.]] Nearly killed him..."
-->'''Caesar:''' "Will you please just acknowledge you're being a wuss?"

* The Halloween after The Phantom Menace came out, Jazmine went out as Jar Jar Binks. [[FlameBait Someone threw things at her.]] Meanwhile, that Halloween Huey remembers throwing apples at someone dressed as Jar Jar. [[https://hueyfreemanonlyspeaksthetruth.tumblr.com/post/33680835761/the-boondocks-comic-strip-196 They don't make the connection until a few days later.]]

-->'''Huey:''' (to himself) Ok, brutal self-honesty time. Your failure to begin this yard work means you're in the midst of a full-scale procrastination attack. Despite my opposition to the task at hand, it is imperative that I get '''right''' to work. It's all about diligence and productivity. I know '''exactly''' what to do first. '''[[MundaneMadeAwesome Look out, grass!]]'''
-->[[AntiClimaxCut <cut to Huey relaxing in a lawn chair reading "869 Ways To Stop Procrastination.">]]

-->'''Huey:''' (sigh) "This is utterly ridiculous. Being a prisoner to labor is no way to live... that's it! No more procrastination! I'm getting up and cutting this grass. It's time for decisive action! Now I just gotta (yawn) figure out whether to start with the front... or the back. But either way, this is the moment of truth! There's nothing left to think about... here is when focus and discipline come into play... yessir..."\\

'''Huey:''' [[NonSequitur Can I think about Al Gore and Joe Lieberman beating each other silly in a pay-per-view steel cage death match to determine who's the biggest loser of all time?]]
--> '''Caesar:''' ''(with a long-suffering eyeroll)'' [[BeleagueredAssistant Sigh... if it relaxes you, yes...]]

--> "Run to your nearest [=McDonald=]'s and tell them ''The Boondocks'' sent you!"

--> '''Riley:''' ''I'' see piss comin', I move. ''She'' saw piss comin', she stayed. And why should I have to miss out on the next R. Kelly album, just for that?!

---> '''Huey:''' Damn. You just got beat by an eight-year-old.

--> '''R. Kelly's Lawyer''': (holds up a piece of paper) This is R. Kelly's NAACP Image Award Certificate of Nomination! You think they nominate just anyone for this award??
--> '''Random Juror''': [[AskAStupidQuestion I've got one]]!

--> ''Juror:'' Go tell your white b*tch that.

* Huey defining the "Nigga Moment", in which two grown ass men engage in what is essentially a WimpFight with guns.
--> ''(Two men are walking on a sidewalk when they accidentally bump into one another)''
--> '''Man 1:''' Watch where you walkin', nigga.
--> '''Man 2:''' 'Ey, 'ey, whatchu sayin', nigga?!
--> '''Huey:''' ''(narrating)'' Watch closely. You are about to experience a "Nigga Moment". Webster defines a "Nigga Moment" as a moment where ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise-logical Negro male...
--> ''(Both men have drawn guns and [[MexicanStandoff have pressed them against the faces of the other party]])''
--> '''Man 1:''' What did you say, bitch nigga?!
--> '''Man 2:''' 'Ey, ''squeeze'' it, nigga!
--> '''Huey:''' ''(continuing to narrate)'' ...causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner, i.e., like a nigga.
--> ''(Both men begin [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy firing wildly at one another and miss every shot]] until both guns have been emptied)''
--> '''Huey:''' ''(continuing to narrate)'' Nigga Moments are unpredictable.
--> '''Man 2:''' Hey, wait man, wait. This is stupid.
--> '''Man 1:''' Yeah, you right, dawg. Look, let's put the guns away and go on about our business-
--> '''Police:''' FREEZE! ''(shoots both men dead)''
--> '''Huey:''' ''(continuing to narrate)'' ...And they all end up dead. If they had their own category, Nigga Moments would be the third-leading killer of black men behind pork chops and FEMA. It's a fact. Now let's see how a Nigga Moment affects a white man.
--> ''(A black man and a white man are walking on a sidewalk when they accidentally bump into one another)''
--> '''White Man:''' (under his breath) ''Prick...''
--> '''Black Man:''' Watch where you walkin' bitch!
--> '''White Man:''' What did you- ''(stops)'' Wait a minute. Ha ha. I'm white! Ha ha ha ha! ''(goes on his merry way)''
--> '''Black Man:''' Where you goin'?! Don't you ignore me! This is a perfectly good moment to throw your life away!

--> '''Stinkmeaner:''' Man... this some ol' ''bullshit''.

---> '''Stinkmeaner:''' At least I don't have to look at yo' ugly ass no more!

--> '''Ruckus:''' If UsefulNotes/MuhammadAli's so tough, why didn't he go to {{UsefulNotes/Vietnam|War}}? I'll tell you why! 'Cause he was scared, that's why! Shoot, "no Vietnamese ever called me nigger". I call him a nigger eight times before breakfast! Now what he gon' do, huh? Hold on, hold on, I'll make it nine-- ''nigger!''

--> '''Granddad:''' Ooooooooh..... WAH-TAH! ''(kicks the tree hard and a leaf floats down)''
--> ''({{Beat}})''
--> '''Granddad:''' ............[[DelayedReaction DAAAAAAAAAMN! THAT HURT! DAMMIT BOY!]] ''(Falls down clutching his shin as he rolls around in absolute pain)''

--> '''Huey:''' ''(narrating)'' Y'know, [[LampshadeHanging we could all be reading a book right now]].
--> ''({{Beat}})''
--> ''(Scene unfreezes as [[IgnoredEpiphany Stinkmeaner is KO'd]])''

-->'''Female pedestrian:''' OH MY GOD, A CHAIR!
-->''(Chair lands on ground)''
-->'''Male pedestrian:''' ..I'm mad, man!
--> ''(Riot ensues)''
--> '''Huey:''' [[SurroundedByIdiots Niggas.]]

--->'''Rummy''': But I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
--->'''Riley''': What?
--->'''Rummy''': Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that something doesn't exist.
--->'''Riley''': What?
--->'''Rummy''': What country you from?
--->'''Riley''': What?
--->'''Rummy''': "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in "What"?
--->'''Riley''': What?
--->'''Rummy''': ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKA!! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
--->'''Riley''': Yeah!
--->'''Rummy''': So you understand the words I'm sayin' to you.
--->'''Riley''': Yeah!
--->'''Rummy''': Well, what I'm sayin' is that there are known knowns and that there are known unknowns, but there's also unknown unknowns--things we don't know that we don't know.
--->'''Riley''': ...What?
--->'''Rummy''': SAY "WHAT" AGAIN! SAY! "WHAT"! AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKA! SAY "WHAT" ONE MORE TIME!

-->'''Thug:''' [[EpicFail ..Shit, we missed!]]
-->'''Other Thug:''' I can't believe this, man, we ''suck.''
-->(Gangstalicious promptly runs away.)

-->'''Riley:''' (from Ruckus' POV) You tell Santa I'm comin' for him next year...and he better ''pay what he owes!'' (cue BB to the face)

-->'''Robert:''' Now, where is that boy, "''Inhibit''"?
-->'''Xzibit:''' ''(to Riley)'' "''The whole catalog''", huh?
-->''(Riley shrugs)''

-->'''Riley:'''Miss Dubois, I'm sorry your peach cobbler look like vomit with peas.
-->'''Grandad:'''DAMMIT BOY!

-->'''Grandad:''' It's probably the itis, right?
-->'''Huey:''' That or insulin shock! Do CPR!
-->(Beat)
-->'''Grandad:''' RILEY, WAKE UP!
-->'''Huey:''' Yeah, I don't think ''yellin' at him'' is gonna work! How do you not know CPR?
-->'''Grandad:''' I ''tried'' to learn it, but they wouldn't let me - 'cuz I was ''black''.
-->'''Huey''': WHAT?
-->'''Grandad''': Oh, sure, nowadays y'all can just run around and learn CPR whenever y'all want to. Just go around savin' lives, resuscitatin' each other willy-nilly. But when I was a young man, it used to be against the law to teach colored folks CPR, OK!
-->(Longer Beat)
-->'''Huey:''' Man, that's not true!

-->'''Chico:''' You know, he's right - the African Americans only got to eat the parts of the pig that the white owners didn't want to eat. ''-picks up intestines-'' I don't think people are really supposed to eat this. Or at least not so much.
-->''Huey and Granddad BlankStare''
-->What? I'm not allowed to take an Afro-American culture class at the community college?

-->'''Huey''': (narrating) ''"Soul Food" is a movie about a big, humongous black grandmother, aptly named 'Big Mama'. Big Mama demonstrates her love by feeding herself and her offspring, enormous amounts of pig lard. Then, get this - Big Mama's arteries are so clogged, they had to amputate her arm...''
-->'''Granddad''': (interrupting) It was her leg!
-->'''Huey''': (annoyed) ''All right, okay, whatever, her leg. Then, she dies of a heart attack...or another stroke...or something.''
-->'''Granddad''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint God called her home]].
-->'''Huey''': ''And what does the family do after she dies? [[AesopAmnesia They get together for a Sunday dinner eating the same food that just killed Big Mama. THE SAME FOOD! They didn't learn a lesson. Nobody went on a diet!]]...And that's the end of the movie.''

-->'''Rummy:''' So basically nigga technology is anything that doesn't plug into a printer. Does that plug into a printer?
-->'''Ed:''' No.
-->'''Rummy:''' Know why? 'Cause niggas never have anything to print.

-->'''Rummy:''' (to three old ladies) Tell me where that bitch is. You better tell me where Oprah is on the count of 3 o-o-o-or I'm gonna kill the oldest bitch up in here! (ladies look at the oldest woman)
-->'''Old Lady #3:''' That's real fucked up Agnes!

-->'''Rummy:''' Back in Iraq, we was in the Special Ops.
-->'''Riley:''' Y'all niggas should've been in the Special Olympics!

-->'''Teacher:''' It's the police. I don't actually like the police very much.
-->'''Riley:''' Me neither!
-->'''Teacher:''' Great. Then what I'm going to do is drive ''really'' fast, so we can get away from them. Are you ready, Riley?
-->'''Riley:''' Oh yeah!
-->'''Teacher:''' That's great.
-->''(The art teacher drives off, and wildly fires a pistol at the police cars.)''

-->'''Prisoner:''' I think there's someone else.
-->'''Riley:''' Hell nigga, [[ComicallyMissingThePoint you gay]].

-->'''Jazmine:''' You're ruining my innocence!
-->'''Robert:''' Shaddap.

-->'''Huey:''' Thanks for coming back, Granddad... eventually.
-->'''Riley:''' Yo, you need to stop snitchin', Granddad. ''(Granddad hits him)'' Ow! Hey! Why don't you call Social Services and turn yourself in for child abuse? ''(Granddad hits him again)''

-->'''Terrorist:''' You won't kill me, Air Marshal 50 Cent! You'll only die trying!
-->'''50 Cent:''' But I will kill you! (record scratch) Or... I'm uh... or... or I'mma die... tryin'.

-->'''Riley:''' (''off-screen'') Boooooooooo. Hey, Tom, shut the fuck up!
-->'''Granddad:''' (''off-screen'') Boy, watch your mouth! [[HypocriticalHumor Tom, shut the fuck up!]]

* Granddad’s reaction to Tom overstaying his welcome at their house despite only being there for a short period of time.
-->'''Granddad:''' Tom! Tom. When we first let you stay here we thought it was only going to be temporary. But damn! Tom, I just don’t see any end in sight.
-->'''Tom:''' It’s only been two days!
-->'''Granddad:''' Nigga hush! You’re living under my roof now. If you stay here, you’re going to get some help.

-->'''Ed III''': Yo.
-->'''Rummy''': What up?
-->'''Ed III''': Yo, can you hear me?
-->'''Rummy''': Yeah, I see you, too. Whatcha want, nigga?
-->'''Ed III''': Aw man, same shit. What's up with you?
-->'''Rummy''': Da fuck you mean "What's up with me"? I'm sitting right here next to you.
-->'''Ed III''': Voice sound real sexy right now...
-->'''Rummy''': Say what?!
-->'''Ed III''': You wanna talk to me later on?
-->'''Rummy''': No, I don't wanna talk later on, motherfucker! WHAT DA FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHAT DA FUCK'S SO SEXY ABOUT MY VOICE?!
-->'''Ed III''': (''reveals the Bluetooth on his left ear'') Ah man, my bad, I was on the phone.
-->'''Rummy''': Great, you got one of those ridiculous fucking headsets.

-->'''Rummy''': Okay, first of all, I don't know when you talkin' to me, or when you talkin' on the goddamn phone. Second, when people wear those things, they appear to be talkin' to theirselves. There's a name for people who talk to theirselves, Ed! They're called the homeless!
-->'''Ed III''': Man, bitches love this Bluetooth shit. It changed my life! I don't know what to do with my hands now!
-->'''Rummy''': Be that as it may, no technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like [[Franchise/BuckRogers Buck Rogers]], then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head, Ed; it lets people around you know you're talking on the phone, so those people know not to waste time talking to ya until you finish, which you indicate by putting that mothafucka away!

* Riley's LaserGuidedKarma at the end. Especially with how silly Ed III and Rummy look both whooshing around the neighborhood on Riley's bike and Grandad and Huey doing nothing to console Riley or help him get his bike back (Grandad laughs at him while Huey just looks on and walks back to the house).
--> '''Rummy:''' Thank you for not snitchiiiin'!
--> '''Ed III:''' ...ya stupid muthafucka!
--> '''Rummy:''' ''(EvilLaugh)''

-->'''{{Satan}}:''' He even called me, the Devil himself, a--
-->'''Stinkmeaner:''' BITCH-ASS NIGGA!

-->''(Tom is about to pull into a newly-opened parking spot when another motorist rudely takes it out of the blue)''
-->'''Tom:''' What the-?! Oh come on, ya n-nincompoop! You can't do that! Hey! Come on!
-->''(Tom steps out of his car)''
-->'''Tom:''' Hey! I- That was my space, I had my blinker on and everything!
-->'''Other guy:''' FUCK YOU, PUNK-ASS, PUSSY-ASS, HOOK-ASS NIGGA! I'LL BEAT YO MUTHAFUCKIN' SEDITTY ASS, NIGGA! DON'T NEVA IN YO LIFE TRY TA HOLLA AT ME, NIGGA! ''(begins walking away)'' Fuck with me, nigga, I'll be the one to pop the trunk on yo bitch ass, nigga, get my muthafuckin' Uzi...
-->''(A few seconds later, after Stinkmeaner takes over Tom's body)''
-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' WHAT DID YOU SAY, NIGGA?!
-->'''Other guy:''' You know what, muthafucka? Eat a dick, nigga! I'm tired of this muthafuckin'-
-->''(Stinkmeaner!Tom jumps into the air and kicks him down)''
-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' OH YEAH, LOOK AT YOU! You was poppin' all that gooood shit a second ago, then you got ''KICKED IN YO CHEST''! ''YOU'' eat a dick, nigga! ''YOU'' eat a dick!

-->'''Tom:''' Honey, I'm home.
-->'''Sarah:''' Hey honey!
-->''(While Tom hugs Sarah, his face shows signs of being possessed by Stinkmeaner again)''
-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' ''(twirls Sarah around)'' OH YEAH! I think I wanna have sexual relations!
-->'''Sarah:''' ''(interested)'' Tom, what's gotten into you?
-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' Same thing that's about to get into you! ''(carries Sarah in his arms)''
-->'''Sarah:''' Oh, Tom!
-->''([[SexyDiscretionShot Scene switches to their bedroom window from the outside]])''
-->'''Sarah:''' ''(aroused laughter)''
-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' OH YEAH! I'MA MAKE IT DO WHAT IT DO!

-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME?! YOU DON'T REMEMBER MY NAME?! [[SayMyName WHAT'S MY NAME]], NYUKKA?!
-->''(Stinkmeaner!Tom punches and kicks Robert, sending him hitting the wall. Robert screams.)''
-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' ''(gets in Robert's face)'' "AAH" AIN'T MY NAME! MY MOMMA DIDN'T NAME ME "AAH!" WHAT'S MY NAME, NYUKKA?! ''WHAT'S MY NAME?!''
-->''(Huey and Riley come downstairs)''
-->'''Huey:''' Stinkmeaner!
-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' [[LargeHam DING, DING, DING, DING, DING! THAT'S RIGHT, NYUKKA!!!]]
-->'''Riley:''' ''Mr. Dubois''?
-->'''Huey:''' I don't know how you got here, Stinkmeaner, but we're sending you back to Hell!
-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' [[BringIt OOOOH YEAH]]! [[TakingYouWithMe I'm going back, and I'ma take y'all with me]] in the first-class cabin on the ass-whooping express! ALL ABOARD! WHOO-WHOO!

-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' ''(backhanding Huey in the face)'' POW!

--> '''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' I'ma kill you... You beat me in the parkin' lot, huh?
--> '''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking I want my parkin' space!]]

-->'''Riley''': You know, that's a ''real'' good question. All the beds in the house and I got the possessed nigga in my bed, ain't this a bitch.

-->'''Granddad's date:''' It's not the fact that you obviously have a man possessed by an evil spirit tied to a bed upstairs!
-->'''Granddad:''' (genuinely confused) It's not?
-->'''Granddad's date:''' No. ''({{Beat}})'' [[SkewedPriorities It's the fact that you]] ''[[SkewedPriorities lied]]'' [[SkewedPriorities about it.]]

-->'''Ruckus:''' READ, NIGGA! READ!!
-->'''Stinkmeaner:''' [[FauxHorrific NOOOOOOO!!]]

-->'''Ruckus, Robert, and Riley:''' ''(repeatedly chanting)'' NIGGA, GET YO BLACK ASS OUTTA HERE!
-->'''Huey:''' This isn't an exorcism, it's a beating!
-->'''Uncle Ruckus:''' Sometimes there's very lil' difference.
-->'''Stinkmeaner!Tom:''' Y'all niggas ain't shit! ''Yo mommas'' ain't shit!

--> '''Stinkmeaner:''' YOU GOT BAD CREDIT, ROBERT!
--> '''Stinkmeaner:''' You are all... testicles! And no shaft! What happened to yo' shaft, Robert?!
--> '''Stinkmeaner:''' ''(while Ruckus, Robert, and Riley are chanting)'' I'ma join in too! NIGGA, GET YO BLACK ASS OUTTA HERE!

--> '''Stinkmeaner:''' Look at that little nigga over there! He talkin' to himself! Haha! You got an imaginary friend? Hahahahahaha!

--> '''Thugnificent:''' And I started thinking to myself. "Man *beat* What did he do to make them niggas that mad?"

--> '''Huey:''' It's just rocks and metal. It's only worth what you're willing to give up for it. Is it worth getting hurt again?
--> '''Riley:''' Yeah!
--> '''Huey:''' Going to jail?
--> '''Riley:''' Yup!
--> '''Huey:''' Getting killed?
--> '''Riley:''' Yes, sir!
--> '''Huey:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Kissing a man?]]
--> '''Riley:''' Yeah yeah!... [[VerbalBackspace Oh,]] ''[[VerbalBackspace no!]]'' ''[covers his mouth with a look of panic]''
--> '''Huey:''' Whoa, whoa... kissing a man, I mean, if it feels natural and that's what you're into, I mean...
--> '''Riley:''' No, that don't count, that's a do-over, I didn't know you was gonna say that!
--> '''Huey:''' Guess you really want that chain back.
--> '''Riley:''' ''No!'' The answer is ''no!''

-->'''Ed III''': (''to a tied-up boy hanging by his feet from the ceiling'') Now, what I want you to do is think--just think--these two grapes is your two little itty-bitty-kiddie testicles. (''smashes the grapes with a massive sledgehammer'') WHERE IS THE CHAIN?
-->'''Boy''': (''crying'') I DON'T KNOW, I SWEAR TO GOD!
-->'''Ed III''': Don't swear to God! I talk to God all the time, and God happens to be the one who told me to torture your ass, ya lyin', stealin' motherfucker! (''raising the sledgehammer to take a swing at the boy's face'') You gonna tell me where that chain is, I know that!
-->'''Riley''': (''enters the room and walks up to Ed III'') Ed! Can I talk to you outside? Please?
-->'''Ed III''': (''grabs the boy's hair'') Look at my face. LOOK AT IT! I'ma [[GroinAttack crush your little kiddie penis with this hammer]] when I get back, if you don't tell me where that chain is at!
-->(''The boy wails incoherently'')
-->'''Riley''': Now, Ed!

--->(''Riley and Ed III go out into the hallway'')
--->'''Riley''': That's the wrong kid, Ed! I told you to grab Butch Magnus, five-fo', 130 pounds!
--->'''Ed III''': Well, how was I supposed to know that was the wrong kid?
--->'''Riley''': I gave you a picture, man! How hard is it to grab the right kid, Ed?
--->'''Ed III''': (''walking back into the room'') You told me to grab a kid; I grabbed a kid. You don't like the way I do it, then do your own kidnapping. (''untying the boy'') You know what? That's your only freebie. You want me to kidnap anyone else, you payin' top dollar!
--->'''Riley''': That's not fair! You grabbed the wrong kid!
--->'''Ed III''': Tough titty!

---->'''Ed III''': (''to the boy'') My bad. You go ahead and leave. (''the boy cowers'') What the fuck you lookin' all scared for, huh?! I said you was free to go, right? Which part of "My bad" do you not understand? Oh, so now you wanna make this a whole big fuckin' thing, huh? Well, fuck you, then! (''lunges at the boy, but Riley stops him'')
---->'''Riley''': Whoa, okay, okay, enough, man, enough!
---->'''Ed III''': Naw, naw, man, I'm sick of this shit! I'm tryin' to squash it, right, and this bitch-ass motherfucker still actin' like he hurt and shit. (''grabs at the boy with every sentence'') I ain't even touched this motherfucker, yet! I ain't even brushed past you yet! I ain't even make eye contact with your punk-ass! (''as the boy runs away screaming'') Yeah, come on over here, I'll give your bitch-ass something to cry about!

* Throughout the episode, Riley's attempts to show off backfire, leading to him hogging the ball and repeatedly throwing EpicFail trick shots; he eventually learns his lesson and tries to play more realistically and with the team, and actually does decent, but in the final showdown the game is neck-and-neck and Riley has the chance to turn it around. What does he do? [[AesopAmnesia Go right back to showboating, ignoring his team, doing horribly, and handing the other team an overwhelming win.]] One might say the ending was karma for his last minute ItsAllAboutMe...

-->'''Riley:''' Yo momma was caught giving up neck to another man in the bathroom at the Woodcrest Country Club, and it wasn't yo daddy!
-->'''Cindy:''' [[BigWhat WHAT?!]]

-->'''Jericho:''' What would your mama say, if she knew you was throwing out your family?
-->'''Robert:''' She'd say "Get them broke-ass niggas the fuck out!"

--->'''Grandad:''' (shows a video recording of the nanny talking on the phone) And here you are talkin' on my damn phone, usin' up all my minutes! Who the hell you got to talk to so much?! (clicks remote and it changes to the nanny raiding the fridge) And here you are, eatin' all my food! I don't pay you to eat all my damned food!

-->'''Huey:''' You're the one who said he kissed another man!
-->'''Riley:''' What I had ''said'' was them dudes knocked me upside my head and I ''dreamed'' he kissed another man!
-->'''Huey:''' [[DeadpanSnarker How often do you have dreams about men kissing?]]

-->'''Wedgie:''' Shit! Why does this always happen when we try to use the goddamn torture machine?! Can someone please get the power back on so we can use a torture machine.
-->'''Assistant:''' I think someone forget to pay the bill, Wedgie.
-->'''Wedgie:''' '''WELL SOMEONE PAY THE [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] BILL!!!!'''

-->'''Maher:''' What are the three branches of government?
-->'''Thugnificent:''' Uh, lets see... the main branch?
-->''(Awkward pause)''
-->'''Maher:''' You're a black leader? I'm glad I'm a white man!

-->'''Herzog:''' Are you afraid your wife will have lusty sex with the president?
-->'''Tom:''' What? That's not even possible.
-->'''Herzog:''' I didn't ask if it was possible. I asked if you were afraid. I cannot help but notice that you seem to be a less powerful, less wealthy, and less attractive version of him. Truly, it is understandable if you are concerned.

-->'''Granddad:''' I think I miss Ruckus. Does that mean there's something wrong with me?
-->'''Huey:''' Yeah.

--->'''Robert:''' Tom, we gotta get out of here!
--->'''Tom:''' But Sarah!
--->'''Robert:''' You'll find you another white woman, just run!
--->'''Sarah:''' Tom, you punk-ass [[CurseCutShort motherfu]]-- ''(screams while getting pulled away by the Stinkmeaners)''

--->'''Robert:''' This'll slow them down. ''(throws a screaming Jazmine downstairs at the Stinkmeaners)''
--->'''Tom:''' [[BigOMG OH MY GOD]]! [[AdultFear Did you just throw Jazmine]]?!
--->'''Robert:''' Look out behind you! ''(kicks and trips Tom downstairs as well)''

--->'''Huey:''' Hurry up, lock it!
--->'''Riley:''' I'm trying! What we gonna do?!
--->'''Robert:''' Boys! Uh, you stay here and hold the door!
--->''(Two Stinkmeaners burst through and grab the boys)''
--->'''Stinkmeaner:''' Ha-ha! I got you, little nyukka!
--->'''Huey and Riley:''' GRANDDAD, HELP!
--->'''Robert:''' Sorry boys, cheers! ''(jumps out through the window)''
--->'''Huey:''' Granddad, where you going?
--->'''Riley:''' Why you punkin' out on us?!

--->'''Robert:''' Ruckus! Ruckus, help!
--->'''Ruckus:''' No, no! Y'all niggas get away from me! Leave decent non-nigga folk alone!
--->'''Robert:''' Dammit, Ruckus! Help me, help me, you fat, black, one-eyed motherfucker!
--->'''Ruckus:''' No, Robert, no! You brought these niggas ''on yourself!''
--->''(While Robert struggles with Ruckus, Ruckus accidentally falls into the water, where the Stinkmeaners drown him. Robert then triumphantly makes his escape on the motorboat.)''

--->'''Huey:''' Granddad, were you having a bad dream?
--->'''Robert:''' Shoot, heh. Bad for y'all. ''(sing-song voice)'' I lived, you died! I lived, and you diiiiiiied!

-->''[[AppliedMathematics Nigga Moment + Nigga Synthesis = Complete Disaster]]''
-->'''Stinkmeaner:''' Now, when a Nigga Moment collides with a Nigga Synthesis, you get a complete fuckin' disaster! [[ChekhovsGun Remember this equation]]. [[LampshadeHanging You will need it later, nigga]]!

-->''[[AppliedMathematics Nigga Moment + Nigga Synthesis = Complete Disaster]]''
-->'''Stinkemeaner:''' It's a beautiful day to fuck shit up! ''(EvilLaugh)''

--> '''Inmate:''' Now me? I'm more of a romantic type. I'll still rape you, but I'll definitely stroke your head lovingly while I do it. Cause you see, I want you to ''like'' it. Now you don't ''have'' to like it, but I--
-->''(beat as inmate stares at Tom)''\\

-->'''Steve Wilkos:''' YOU'RE A PUSSY PUNK BITCH!

-->'''Huey:''' Your dating habits have been a serious threat to the safety of you, the people of this house...
-->'''Riley:''' ...and really the entire neighborhood.

-->'''Huey:''' Don't be a hypocrite, Granddad.
-->'''Riley:''' ''Be'' a hypocrite, Granddad!

-->'''Father:''' Nigga, did I just catch you [doing something]? ''(SLAP)''
-->'''Mother:''' OH SWEET JESUS! LORD HAVE MERCY, MY BABY!

-->'''Prisoner:''' Wait! Wait a minute! Okay, maybe I was being stubborn. Let's try to talk this out! Wait! I REMEMBER! THE TARGET IS... ''(CLANG!)'' ''(in a high-pitched voice)'' '''''WOOOOOOODCREEEEEEEEST!!!!'''''

--> '''Granddad:''' (having told Huey and Riley to flee the scene) I'ma stand out here in the middle of the road, in my drawers, with this gun until the man comes. And then I'ma go out like a motherfuckin' G!\\

--> ''(Unintelligible screams)'' I wish I'd died in Korea!! ''(More screaming.)''

--> '''Huey:''' (in response to Granddad taking out his belt to whoop Riley) Granddad, you're just beating him as an excuse to vent out your own unhappiness!\\

--> "I asked my son if he could come visit and he told me, 'I can't, ma; I'm busy.' Yeah, he was busy alright, snatchin' a purse!"\\

--> '''Julian Bond:''' Robert Jebediah Freeman is a very odd recurring character in the Civil Rights movement.

* Riley complaining that "specially abled" applies to ninjas or Luke Skywalker, not people with disabilities.

* Huey limping downstairs to sit down near Huey, and then telling his brother "That ain't hurt."

* Rufus Crabmiser beheading Bushido Brown with the flying crab-trap]], followed by Stinkmeaner [[BrickJoke bringing up his earlier equation]]:

* One of the {{Mall Santa}}s uses a [[CrossesTheLineTwice child as]] [[HumanShield a shield]].

* Granddad's anecdote about Music/LionelRichie and his mistress getting beaten up by his then-wife for adultery (which [[TruthInTelevision happened in real life]]).

* Rufus Crabmiser beheading Bushido Brown with the flying crab-trap]], followed by Stinkmeaner [[BrickJoke bringing up his earlier equation: