History Funny / RedAlert3Paradox

* When proposal of the [[AwesomeButImpractical Giga Fortress]] was presented to the Imperial military, the Shogun reviewing the report [[SpitTake spat out]] [[UpToEleven an entire cup of tea]] when [[OhCrap he saw the price that it will take]] to actually build one of those things.

* When proposal of the [[AwesomeButImpractical Giga Fortress]] was presented to the Imperial military, the Shogun reviewing the report [[SpitTake spat out]] [[UpToEleven an entire cup of tea]] when [[OhCrap he saw the price that it will take]] [[RealityEnsues to actually build one of those things]].

* The Soviets [[AccidentalPun dropped]] the idea of using airplanes to fire bombs containing honey which would send War Bears into a frenzy and changed it to bear-to-bear charges. Why? Well, during the first test of the maneuver a War Bear jumped after the [=MiG=] in mid-flight, clawed it in half and upon landing [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking ate all the honey]]. Doubles as CrazyAwesome.

** Idea #2 Attach several Vickers machine guns behind the propellers of a stolen prop plane: The first failure involved the technicians forgetting to sync the propellers and guns so the guns didn't shoot off said propellers. During its first test, the plane took off toward its fake target, shot its own propellers off, crashed into a near-by barracks, and ejected the pilot into a near-by port a-potty. The second failure involved the technicians attempting to attach steel deflectors to the plane. This didn't shoot out the propeller, but shredded the wings and engine instead. None of them hit the pilot, who bailed out with a blanket as a makeshift parachute... only to nearly have his leg shot off by GLA militia when they mistook him for an "Infidel" pilot.[[RuleOfThree The third failure]] involved placing a gunner in a mount front of the propeller. During the test flight, the gunner, after having held on for dear life for several seconds, finally tired and let go. The result proved [[BloodyHilarious extremely messy]], [[HelicopterBlender as he was sucked into the propeller blades and was splattered all over the pilot]], [[FreakOut who promptly freaked out]], lost control of his plane, and flew it into the compound of a senior GLA leader.

* You know the GLA? Yeah, turns out they have air support in this game: unfortunately, they had a little trouble [[IncrediblyLamePun "getting it off the ground"]]. The long, painful flight path to getting their aircraft (the "Duster Bomber" Plane) is full of many [[UndignifiedDeath deaths]], [[StuffBlowingUp explosions]], [[ButtMonkey and at least one HUGE Butt Monkey of a test pilot]]. Here's a rough timeline of the development of the Duster Bomber (which an Allied Spy brought off a street urchin for five American dollars, itself a CMOF):

*** The Pacifier AFV, while more practical than the [[KillSat Athena Cannons]], got its funding slashed when a test run blew up another prototype tank on the same range.

* The Soviets [[AccidentalPun dropped]] the idea of using airplanes to fire bombs containing honey which would send War Bears into a frenzy and changed it to bear-to-bear charges. Why? Well, during the first test of the maneuver a War Bear jumped after the MiG in mid-flight, clawed it in half and upon landing [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking ate all the honey]]. Doubles as CrazyAwesome.

*** The GLA's fails seem like a perfectly realistic representation of the competence of the groups that inspired them.

** Some of the GagSubs for these are hilarious enough on their own, for example the Steel Ronin is described as posing for a Tourist's Camera. Similarly the Desolator's Image is described as a "Comic Book Supervillain" based on it called "The Desolator".

*** [=FutureTech=] tried advertising their [[AnIcePerson Cryo-Legionaires]] as front-line troops complete with a comic book series "[[ComicBook/Spiderman The Amazing Cryo-Man]]", only [[HilaritySues to be sued by]] the Rocketeer Corps.

* Plenty from the user-made, under-construction [[http://wiki.paradoxmod.com/index.php?title=Paradox_Tutorial tutorial]].

*** The [[DeathFromAbove Harbringer Gunship]], already too expensive to maintain, completely grounded any chances it had by [[FriendlyFireproof blowing up several friendlies]] [[NoodleIncident at the Battle of Flanders]].

** Some of the GagSubs for these are hillarious enough on their own, for example the Steel Ronin is described as posing for a Tourist's Camera. Simliarly the Desolator's Image is described as a "Comic Book Supervillain" based on it called "The Desolator".

* The Soviet propaganda department has created an Expy of WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic in the form of the cartoon show [[http://wiki.paradoxmod.com/index.php?title=Submission_106/4B_for_Soviet_State_Approved_Show "My Little Drone: Friendship is Communism"]] for children.

* The [[http://wiki.paradoxmod.com/index.php?title=Mag-Lift_Tank Mag lift tank]]'s tactical description is a ''Rick Roll''. To add the the hillarity, one of it's various features is actually labeled as "Plastic cup holder (x2)".

* When proposal of the [[AwesomeButImpractical Giga Fortress]] was presented to the Imperial military, the Shogun reviewing the report spit out an entire cup of tea when he saw the price that it will take to actually build one of those things.

** Frankly, most of the lore surrounding why none of the [[TakeThatScrappy Uprising units]] are returning, aside from whats listed:

*** The Steel Ronin [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere threw down their weapons]] [[TheAtoner and renounced the violence]] [[AndIMustScream that led to their imprisonment]], turning the Ten-Shi Zaibatsu into a defense department laughingstock.
*** The Mortar Cycles were disbanded when the combination of the already reckless and heavy drinking Conscripts led to several crashes and deaths.

*** The [[DeathFromAbove Harbringer Gunship]], already too expensive to maintain, completely grounded any chances by [[FriendlyFireproof blowing up several friendlies]] [[NoodleIncident at the Battle of Flanders]].
*** [=FutureTech=] tried advertising their [[AnIcePerson Cryo-Legionaires]] as front-line troops complete with a comic book series "The Amazing Cryo-Man", only to be sued by the Rocketeer Corps.

** Idea #6 Have the pilot throw bombs out the window of the cockpit: By this point, the GLA had more or less given up on the idea of fighters, but still wanted ground attack planes. Another idea was soon trialled; bombers. The GLA planes, each carrying a single bomb designed to detonate when it hit the ground, would theoretically act as ground attack aircraft, releasing bombs over the heads of the enemy below. Unfortunately for the test flight , when the pilot forced open the plane's door to throw out the bomb at the target [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotHeinous (a camel)]], he ended up losing control of his plane, sending it into an uncontrolled spin and causing it to crash into a sand dune, while the bombs were all ejected out of the aircraft in different directions. One of the bombs struck the palace housing the bomb maker, the airplane designer, and warlord providing funding, [[LudicrousGibs killing them]] [[StuffBlowingUp and heavily damaging the palace]]. This showed how ludicrously inaccurate the bombs were [[ComicallyMissingThePoint (none of them did any harm to the camel)]], so the GLA gave up on the idea of bombers as well.

** Idea #1 Make a super cheap jet fighter: The GLA tried to buy jet fighters off of foreign markets, but balked at the prices. So they tried building their own... out of wood. The first attempt of flying the prototype was aborted when a wing fell off mid-takeoff. The second time had the door fall off the cockpit, get sucked into the engine, and blew it up. So the GLA gave up on jets, and went to steal a prop plane instead... [[ItGotWorse only for another round of]] [[HilarityEnsues deaths, explosions, and unfortunate pilots]].

* The Soviets propaganda department have created an Expy of WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic in the form of the cartoon show [[http://wiki.paradoxmod.com/index.php?title=Submission_106/4B_for_Soviet_State_Approved_Show "My Little Drone: Friendship is Communism"]] for children.

*** The [[Stripperific skimpy uniforms]] on the Archer Maidens were [[EpicFail actually a screw-up on the part of Allied intelligence]], as a Spy inadvertently got the info from a girly magazine.

*** FutureTech tried advertising their [[AnIcePerson Cryo-Legionaires]] as front-line troops (complete with a comic book series "The Amazing Cryo-Man", only to be sued by the Rocketeer Corps.

** Idea #6 Have the pilot throw bombs out the window of the cockpit: By this point, the GLA had more or less given up on the idea of fighters, but still wanted ground attack planes. Another idea was soon trialled; bombers. The GLA planes, each carrying a single bomb designed to detonate when it hit the ground, would theoretically act as ground attack aircraft, releasing bombs over the heads of the enemy below. Unfortunately for the test flight , when the pilot forced open the plane's door to throw out the bomb at the target [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotHeinous(a camel)]], he ended up losing control of his plane, sending it into an uncontrolled spin and causing it to crash into a sand dune, while the bombs were all ejected out of the aircraft in different directions. One of the bombs struck the palace housing the bomb maker, the airplane designer, and warlord providing funding, [[LudicrousGibs killing them]] [[StuffBlowingUp and heavily damaging the palace]]. This showed how ludicrously inaccurate the bombs were [[ComicallyMissingThePoint(none of them did any harm to the camel)]], so the GLA gave up on the idea of bombers as well.

** Idea #7 Arm the pilot with darts: To prevent pilots from blowing themselves up, the GLA decided to go [[RockBeatsLaser with simpler weaponry]]. One idea that soon made it to testing was to have a plane that would drop darts on their targets. It wouldn't even dent metal skinned airplanes, so the darts were intended to be used against infantry and airships, which were sufficiently soft that darts would work against them. However, as the test flight soon showed, attempts to hit infantry sized targets inevitably resulted in the pilot missing (in part thanks to their poor eyesight), while attempts to attack a Soviet observation airship failed because the GLA had failed to realize that the airship's flight ceiling was several times greater than that of the plane. Nevertheless, the test pilot attempted to throw several darts up at the airship, [[EpicFail until one accidentally hit him and caused an immense amount of pain]], [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere at which point the pilot simply gave up and flew back to base.]]

--> The [[Stripperific skimpy uniforms]] on the Archer Maidens were [[EpicFail actually a screw-up on the part of Allied intelligence]], as a Spy inadvertently got the info from a girly magazine.
--> The Steel Ronin [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere threw down their weapons]] [[TheAtoner and renounced the violence]] [[AndIMustScream that led to their imprisonment]], turning the Ten-Shi Zaibatsu into a defense department laughingstock.
--> The Mortar Cycles were disbanded when the combination of the already reckless and heavy drinking Conscripts led to several crashes and deaths.
--> The Desolator Trooper suits found use... [[MundaneUtility as fireman's suits]].
--> The [[DeathFromAbove Harbringer Gunship]], already too expensive to maintain, completely grounded any chances by [[FriendlyFireproof blowing up several friendlies]] [[NoodleIncident at the Battle of Flanders]].
--> FutureTech tried advertising their [[AnIcePerson Cryo-Legionaires]] as front-line troops (complete with a comic book series "The Amazing Cryo-Man", only to be sued by the Rocketeer Corps.
--> The Pacifier AFV, while more practical than the [[KillSat Athena Cannons]], got its funding slashed when a test run blew up another prototype tank on the same range.

--> Idea #1 Make a super cheap jet fighter
--> The GLA tried to buy jet fighters off of foreign markets, but balked at the prices. So they tried building their own... out of wood. The first attempt of flying the prototype was aborted when a wing fell off mid-takeoff. The second time had the door fall off the cockpit, get sucked into the engine, and blew it up. So the GLA gave up on jets, and went to steal a prop plane instead... [[ItGotWorse only for another round of]] [[HilarityEnsues deaths, explosions, and unfortunate pilots]].
--> Idea #2 Attach several Vickers machine guns behind the propellers of a stolen prop plane
--> The first failure involved the technicians forgetting to sync the propellers and guns so the guns didn't shoot off said propellers. During its first test, the plane took off toward its fake target, shot its own propellers off, crashed into a near-by barracks, and ejected the pilot into a near-by port a-potty.
--> The second failure involved the technicians attempting to attach steel deflectors to the plane. This didn't shoot out the propeller, but shredded the wings and engine instead. None of them hit the pilot, who bailed out with a blanket as a makeshift parachute... only to nearly have his leg shot off by GLA militia when they mistook him for an "Infidel" pilot.
--> [[RuleOfThree The third failure]] involved placing a gunner in a mount front of the propeller. During the test flight, the gunner, after having held on for dear life for several seconds, finally tired and let go. The result proved [[BloodyHilarious extremely messy]], [[HelicopterBlender as he was sucked into the propeller blades and was splattered all over the pilot]], [[FreakOut who promptly freaked out]], lost control of his plane, and flew it into the compound of a senior GLA leader.
--> Idea #3 Weld missiles on the wingtips of a stolen prop plane
--> The idea involved firing several unguided rockets from the plane. Problem? The rockets were still stuck to the plane when they were fired, [[StuffBlowingUp and promptly rocketed the plane straight in the ground]]. Somehow, the pilot managed to survive, though with several broken bones, having been thrown from his plane by the explosion.
--> Idea #4 Parachute Terrorists out of a stolen freighter plane
--> One of the scrapped AA ideas involved [[FastballSpecial using stolen Bullfrogs to launch suicidal Terrorists at helicopters]]. So a clever Rebel came up with a similar concept: If you cannot hit the enemy from below, hit them from above. So the Rebels went to the airport to steal parachutes, and a freighter plane. Attempting to steal the parachutes worked, but getting the freighter plane didn't, as none of the freedom fighters had the necessary license to fly a freighter plane. Giving up on this plan, the rebels instead asked for a normal jump routine, [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotAwesome and parachute jumping has become a popular sport among the GLA members ever since, with its military origin quickly forgotten]].
--> Idea #5 Send terrorists in suicide fighters against enemy aircraft
--> The next idea they had was simple: have a terrorist fly an explosive laden prop plane into enemy jets. Problem: jets are a LOT more faster and maneuverability than prop planes. On the maiden voyage of the first prototype, it attempted to ram an Apollo fighter. Unfortunately for the GLA pilot, the jet's pilot simply banked slightly to the left, causing the suicide fighter to miss and crash into a garrisoned hotel the GLA were using to hold off the Allies. Most of them were killed except the pilot, who was lucky to be ejected without being killed ... [[ButtMonkey but unlucky enough to crash head first into a manure truck.]]
--> Idea #6 Have the pilot throw bombs out the window of the cockpit
--> By this point, the GLA had more or less given up on the idea of fighters, but still wanted ground attack planes. Another idea was soon trialled; bombers. The GLA planes, each carrying a single bomb designed to detonate when it hit the ground, would theoretically act as ground attack aircraft, releasing bombs over the heads of the enemy below. Unfortunately for the test flight , when the pilot forced open the plane's door to throw out the bomb at the target [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotHeinous(a camel)]], he ended up losing control of his plane, sending it into an uncontrolled spin and causing it to crash into a sand dune, while the bombs were all ejected out of the aircraft in different directions. One of the bombs struck the palace housing the bomb maker, the airplane designer, and warlord providing funding, [[LudicrousGibs killing them]] [[StuffBlowingUp and heavily damaging the palace]]. This showed how ludicrously inaccurate the bombs were [[ComicallyMissingThePoint(none of them did any harm to the camel)]], so the GLA gave up on the idea of bombers as well.
--> Idea #7 Arm the pilot with darts
--> To prevent pilots from blowing themselves up, the GLA decided to go [[RockBeatsLaser with simpler weaponry]]. One idea that soon made it to testing was to have a plane that would drop darts on their targets. It wouldn't even dent metal skinned airplanes, so the darts were intended to be used against infantry and airships, which were sufficiently soft that darts would work against them. However, as the test flight soon showed, attempts to hit infantry sized targets inevitably resulted in the pilot missing (in part thanks to their poor eyesight), while attempts to attack a Soviet observation airship failed because the GLA had failed to realize that the airship's flight ceiling was several times greater than that of the plane. Nevertheless, the test pilot attempted to throw several darts up at the airship, [[EpicFail until one accidentally hit him and caused an immense amount of pain]], [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere at which point the pilot simply gave up and flew back to base.]]

--> To prevent pilots from blowing themselves up, the GLA decided to go [[RockBeatsLaser with simpler weaponry]]. One idea that soon made it to testing was to have a plane that would drop darts on their targets. It wouldn't even dent metal skinned airplanes, so the darts were intended to be used against infantry and airships, which were sufficiently soft that darts would work against them. However, as the test flight soon showed, attempts to hit infantry sized targets inevitably resulted in the pilot missing (in part thanks to their poor eyesight), while attempts to attack a Soviet observation airship failed because the GLA [[DidNotDoTheResearch had failed to realize that the airship's flight ceiling was several times greater than that of the plane]]. Nevertheless, the test pilot attempted to throw several darts up at the airship, [[EpicFail until one accidentally hit him and caused an immense amount of pain]], [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere at which point the pilot simply gave up and flew back to base.]]

* The Soviets [[AccidentalPun dropped]] the idea of using airplanes to fire bombs containing honey which would sned War Bears into a frenzy and changed it to bear-to-bear charges. Why? Well, during the first test of the maneuver a War Bear jumped after the MiG in mid-flight, clawed it in half and upon landing [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking ate all the honey]]. Doubles as CrazyAwesome.

--> To prevent pilots from blowing themselves up, the GLA decided to go [[RockBeatsLaser with simpler weaponry]]. One idea that soon made it to testing was to have a plane that would drop darts on their targets. It wouldn't even dent metal skinned airplanes, so the darts were intended to be used against infantry and airships, which were sufficiently soft that darts would work against them. However, as the test flight soon showed, attempts to hit infantry sized targets inevitably resulted in the pilot missing (in part thanks to their poor eyesight), while attempts to attack a Soviet observation airship failed because the GLA [[DidntDoTheResearch had failed to realize that the airship's flight ceiling was several times greater than that of the plane]]. Nevertheless, the test pilot attempted to throw several darts up at the airship, [[EpicFail until one accidentally hit him and caused an immense amount of pain]], [[ScrewThisImOutOfHere at which point the pilot simply gave up and flew back to base.]]

The GLA tried to buy jet fighters off of foreign markets, but balked at the prices. So they tried building their own... out of wood. The first attempt of flying the prototype was aborted when a wing fell off mid-takeoff. The second time had the door fall off the cockpit, get sucked into the engine, and blew it up. So the GLA gave up on jets, and went to steal a prop plane instead... [[ItGotWorse only for another round of]] [[HilarityEnsues deaths, explosions, and unfortunate pilots]].

The first failure involved the technicians forgetting to sync the propellers and guns so the guns didn't shoot off said propellers. During its first test, the plane took off toward its fake target, shot its own propellers off, crashed into a near-by barracks, and ejected the pilot into a near-by port a-potty.
The second failure involved the technicians attempting to attach steel deflectors to the plane. This didn't shoot out the propeller, but shredded the wings and engine instead. None of them hit the pilot, who bailed out with a blanket as a makeshift parachute... only to nearly have his leg shot off by GLA militia when they mistook him for an "Infidel" pilot.
[[RuleOfThree The third failure]] involved placing a gunner in a mount front of the propeller. During the test flight, the gunner, after having held on for dear life for several seconds, finally tired and let go. The result proved [[BloodyHilarious extremely messy]], [[HelicopterBlender as he was sucked into the propeller blades and was splattered all over the pilot]], [[FreakOut who promptly freaked out]], lost control of his plane, and flew it into the compound of a senior GLA leader.

The idea involved firing several unguided rockets from the plane. Problem? The rockets were still stuck to the plane when they were fired, [[StuffBlowingUp and promptly rocketed the plane straight in the ground]]. Somehow, the pilot managed to survive, though with several broken bones, having been thrown from his plane by the explosion.

One of the scrapped AA ideas involved [[FastballSpecial using stolen Bullfrogs to launch suicidal Terrorists at helicopters]]. So a clever Rebel came up with a similar concept: If you cannot hit the enemy from below, hit them from above. So the Rebels went to the airport to steal parachutes, and a freighter plane. Attempting to steal the parachutes worked, but getting the freighter plane didn't, as none of the freedom fighters had the necessary license to fly a freighter plane. Giving up on this plan, the rebels instead asked for a normal jump routine, and parachute jumping has become a popular sport among the GLA members ever since, with its military origin quickly forgotten.

The next idea they had was simple: have a terrorist fly an explosive laden prop plane into enemy jets. The pilot would close in on enemy planes and detonate a huge amount of explosives to take out multiple planes at once. What the designers failed to realise was how fast and manoeuvrable jet fighters were in comparison to propeller planes, especially when the propeller planes were weighed down by bombs. On the maiden voyage of the first prototype in a battle against Allied forces, it attempted to ram an Apollo fighter. Unfortunately for the GLA pilot, the jet's pilot simply banked slightly to the left, causing the suicide fighter to miss and crash into a garrisoned hotel the GLA were using to hold off the Allies. Most of them were killed except the pilot, who was lucky to be ejected without being killed ... but unlucky enough to crash head first into a manure truck.

By this point, the GLA had more or less given up on the idea of fighters, but there still remained ground attack planes. Another idea was soon trialled; bombers. The GLA planes, each carrying a single bomb designed to detonate when it hit the ground, would theoretically act as ground attack aircraft, releasing bombs over the heads of the enemy below. Unfortunately, the test flight didn't go quite as planned, because when the pilot forced open the plane's door to throw out the bomb at the target (a camel), he ended up losing control of his plane, sending it into an uncontrolled spin and causing it to crash into a sand dune, while the bombs were all ejected out of the aircraft in different directions. One of the bombs struck the palace housing the bomb maker, the airplane designer, and warlord providing funding (all sitting around the same table at the time), killing them and heavily damaging the palace. It was realised thereafter how ludicrously inaccurate the bombs would be (none of them did any harm to the camel), so the GLA gave up on the idea of bombers as well.

With the repeated failures, it was decided to use safer weaponry, so as to prevent pilots from blowing themselves up. One idea that soon made it to testing was to have a plane that would drop darts on their targets. Because metal skinned airplanes were too tough for darts to penetrate, the darts were intended to be used against infantry and airships, which were sufficiently soft that darts would work against them. However, as the test flight soon showed, attempts to hit infantry sized targets inevitably resulted in the pilot missing (in part thanks to their poor eyesight), while attempts to attack a Soviet observation airship failed because the GLA had failed to realise that the airship's flight ceiling was several times greater than that of the plane. Nevertheless, the test pilot attempted to throw several darts up at the airship, until one accidentally hit him and caused an immense amount of pain, at which point the pilot simply gave up and flew back to base.

* The Soviets propaganda department have created an Expy of MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic in the form of the cartoon show [[http://wiki.paradoxmod.com/index.php?title=Submission_106/4B_for_Soviet_State_Approved_Show "My Little Drone: Friendship is Communism"]] for children.

* When proposal of the [[AwesomeButImpractical Giga Fortress]] was presented to the Imperial military, the Shogun reviewing the report spit out an entire cup of tea when he saw [[Deconstruction the price that it will take to actually build one of those things]].