History Funny / GuardsGuards

--> '''Assassin:''' I think it is because you're expected to eat shit.[[note]]"Privy" is also an old term for an outdoor toilet.[[/note]]

* Vetinari's design of the jail cell is a moment of awesome, but after the Librarian springs Vimes, it gets funnier - turns out Vetinari had a ''key'' the whole time (because it'd be damn stupid to be thrown into a cell with the locks on the inside without one, wouldn't it?) He just didn't say anything because Vimes looked like he was having fun chiseling his way out.

'''Death:''' ''(patting him on the shoulder, not unkindly)'' '''Congratulations.'''

* The Dragon's meeting with the city elite (where everyone is terrified of being eaten) has plenty of terrifying BlackComedy. Wonse is in full StepfordSmiler mode as he discusses the King's "Dynamic foreign policy (invading other countries), the "voluntary donations" expected and such. When he gets to the King's "diet" there’s a StunnedSilence as everyone considers the fattening meal they've just had. Then there's this line when he explains the VirginSacrifice the dragon wants.

* The Dragon's meeting with the city elite (where everyone is terrified of being eaten) has plenty of terrifying BlackComedy. Wonse is in full StepfordSmiler mode as he discusses the King's "Dynamic foreign policy (invading other countries), the "voluntary donations" expected and such. When he gets to the King's "diet" there is a StunnedSilence as everyone considers the fattening meal they've just had. Then there's this line when he explains the VirginSacrifice the dragon wants.

* Vetinari's design of the jail cell is a moment of awesome, but after the Librarian springs Vimes, it gets funnier - turns out Vetinari had a ''key'' the whole time (because it'd be damn stupid to be thrown into a cell with the locks on the inside without one, wouldn't it?) He just didn't say anything because Vimes looked like he was having fun chiseling his way out.

-->'''C.MO.T. Dibbler:''' O'course, by rights there should be a maiden chained to a rock. Only the aunt said no.

* While discussing legal precedents for [[spoiler: arresting a dragon]], Carrot mentions an aristocrat who tried to have a ''cloud'' arrested and stoned to death (the falling rocks killed 31 people) for blocking the sun during his coronation.

** Note that the only thing Wonse consumes during the meal is a glass of water.

--> '''Wonse:''' Some common murderer, I mean.

* Early in the book, Dibbler is trying to hawk some cream which he claims was made by monks in the Hublands. Near the end of the book, we see some monks sending a package to Dibbler, and one monks wonders what Dibbler exactly does with the stuff.

* The Dragon's meeting with the city elite (where everyone is terrified of being eaten) where Wonse is in full StepfordSmiler mode as he discusses the King's "Dynamic foreign policy (invading other countires), the "voluntary donations" expected and such. When he gets to the King's "diet" there is a StunnedSilence as everyone considers the fattening meal they've just had. Then there's this line when he explains the RitualSacrifice /VirginSacrifice the dragon wants.

* When Sam points out that Harga doesn't even know the name of the new king, Harga remarks that it's obviously "Rex Vivat" ("Long live the King" in Latin), which is [[ComicallyMissingThePoint what's on all the banners and coronation merchandise]].

** Becomes [[HilariousInHindsight even funnier]] once you read ''Discworld/NightWatch'' and learn more about what Vetinari's aunt is like.

-->"Can you imagine what your poor, white-bearded old mother, slaving away back in her little hole, wondering how her son is getting on tonight, can you imagine what she’d think if she saw you now? Your own dear mothers, who first showed you how to use a pickax—”\\
Nobby, standing by the doorway in terror and amazement, was aware of a growing chorus of nose-blowings and muffled sobs as Carrot went on: “—she’s probably thinking, I expect he’s having a quiet game of dominoes or something—”\\

* "They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely [[ParentheticalSwearing several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt]]."

* "They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt."

** Becomes [[HilariousInHindsight even funnier]] once you read ''Discworld/NightWatch''.

* At one point, Vimes' notes that Sham Harga has cleaned out the encrusted old coffee pot at the House of Ribs, in anticipation of the royal coronation. He complains that the coffee's too weak, and tastes like "love in a canoe".[[note]]Because it's ''fucking close to water''[[/note]]
** When Sam points out that Harga doesn't even know the name of the new king, Harga remarks that it's obviously "Rex Vivat" ("Long live the King" in Latin), which is [[ComicallyMissingThePoint what's on all the banners and coronation merchandise]].

* At one point, Vimes' typically fithy coffee mug is finally cleaned. He complains that his coffee now has no flavour, and tastes "like love in a canoe". Why like love in a canoe? ''Because it's fucking close to water''.

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* The whole scene of Urdo van Pew, head of the Thieves' Guild, making a complaint to Vetinari because Carrot's arrested him. Some highlights are when Vetinari points out that there should have been a whole lot of men in there, "thick as, you'll pardon the expression, ''thieves''" and Urdo shaking his finger at Vetinari, then realizing this was a mistake for anyone who doesn't want to be able to count to only nine.

--> '''Carrot:''' Your dear old mother, [[OurDwarvesAreAllTheSame slaving over a hot forge,]] wondering what her boy is up to tonight...

* The Watchmen [[GenreSavvy realise]] that no-one has ever said "It's practically a certainty, but it might just work!" and so attempt to increase the odds of Sergeant Colon shooting a dragon to exactly a million to one (eventually blindfolded, standing on one leg, his face covered in soot and singing The Hedgehog Song). They fail. Fortunately the odds of surviving the dragon's counter-attack ''were'' exactly a million to one.