History Funny / Clerks

23rd Jun '16 11:35:09 AM NWolfman
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** It's said that this scene is what convinced Harvey Weinstein to buy and distribute the film.
28th May '16 1:26:09 PM lorgskyegon
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** Extra funny if you look behind them and realize that none of those prices end in nine.
13th Aug '15 5:29:08 PM themisterfree
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* Just before Randal initiates the "jizz mopper" conversation, Dante comments "Did you ever notice all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie."
6th Jul '15 2:37:30 PM Morgenthaler
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!!Funny moments from the film:




!!Funny moments from the cartoon:
* Dante and Randal's plan to discover Leonardo's evil scheme by having Randal dress up as a rich widow and become Leonardo's fiance. Also, the fact that their entire plan is stolen from an episode of ''Series/TheSecretDiaryOfDesmondPfeiffer'' that's about the ''exact same thing''.
-->'''Randal''': And I'll bet you're shocked to discover your beloved fiance is none other than I, Randal!
-->'''Leonardo''': I knew it all the time.
-->'''Randal''': Ew.
* Episode 2:
** Randal and a British customer's confusion over the word "fag."
--->'''Customer''': Pack of fags?
--->'''Randal''': ''You're'' a fag!
--->'''Customer''': It's a cigarette, mate.
--->'''Randal''': I'm not your mate, fag!
--->''(Randal jumps from behind the counter and attacks the customer)''
*** Immediately followed up with this scene:
-->'''Dante:''' Boy, it wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" ''really'' meant, heh, right mate?
-->'''Randal:''' ''You're'' a fag!
-->'''Dante:''' No, uh -- a fag's a cigarette, remember?
-->'''Randal:''' ''You're'' a cigarette!
** This dialogue:
-->'''Woman:''' ''(holding the rented video)'' It's 3am, my baby has been home alone since yesterday morning. Where have you been?\\
'''Randal:''' Sorry, we're closed.\\
''(pushed the woman out)''\\
'''Woman:''' But I[=--=]\\
''(Randal closes the door and locks it. He accidentally breaks the key in the lock.)''\\
'''Randal:''' Uh oh, the key broke.\\
'''Dante:''' We're locked in? [[OhNoNotAgain Again?!]]\\
''(Dante and Randal bang the door)''\\
'''Randal:''' Hello?! Anyone out there?! Lady with the dead baby?!\\
''(the customers have already left)''
* Episode 3:
** "Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?"
*** No-- Yes-- I mean, are there any questions about the deadly virus?!
**** Could the virus kill the Grimace?
*** Nothing can kill the Grimace.
** Jay & Silent Bob are passing the time by breathing in helium-like gas.
-->(''Jay takes a deep breath, and speaks in a squeaky chipmunk voice.'')\\
'''Jay:''' [[Film/ETTheExtraterrestrial Be good! Phone home!]]\\
(''Silent Bob breathes in, and characteristically remains silent.'')\\
'''Jay:''' ...It's only funny when you talk, stupid.
** The whole exchange where LL buys the rotten burritos:
-->'''LL:''' What the devil are those?
-->'''Randal:''' Descreeto Burritos.
-->'''LL:''' Why are they steaming and reeking?
-->'''Randal:''' [[BlatantLies They're the expensive kind.]]
-->'''LL:''' [[TooDumbToLive I must have them. I'll take the whole box!]] (eats and swallows nasty burrito) Exquisite.
** Then, after a sickened LL tries to sing "La Cucaracha" and looking GreenAroundTheGills, Randal directs them to the hospital- which is next to the city dump. Followed by Randal's brain calculation, with Dustin Hoffman being replaced by Al Pacino due to legal issues.
* Episode 4:
** Randal wants to work Dante's opening shift:
-->"If I can dress myself, I'm sure I can open the Quick Stop." *gets out of car, revealing he's still in his boxers*
-->"Call me if you have any problems."
-->"Please. It'll be as simple as driving a car." *gets into driver's seat, drives offscreen* "WHERE ARE MY PANTS?!" *CRASH*
** Later in that same episode:
-->'''Customer:''' ''I'M GONNA BURN THIS PLACE INTO THE GROUND! AND PEE-PEE ON THE ASHES!!''\\
'''Dante:''' Who's that?\\
'''Randal:''' That's Regis.
** ''Big American Party!'' That entire sequence.
*** "Who is driving? OHMIGOD BEAR IS DRIVING HOW CAN THAT BE?"
** The ''Film/{{JFK}}'' parody.
--> '''Randal''': Are you the man I'm supposed to see?\\
'''X''': You can call me "X". I was in Black Ops, '61 to '63. Covert stuff involving the C.I.A. and donkey shows. All of it illegal, all of it very... EROTIC. What I'm gonna tell you is strictly top secret.\\
'''Randal''': You know who's behind all this?\\
'''X''': You're asking the wrong questions. The "who" and "what" are scenery. Ask the big one: "Why?" Why did they want this man tried? (footage of Jay being shot like JFK is shown) Why is this sending shock waves through the corridors of power in Washington? Who benefits?\\
'''Randal''': You said not to ask "who."\\
'''X''': Just this once is okay.\\
'''Randal''': So what does this have to do with Dante and the Quick Stop?\\
'''X''': Dante? Quick Stop? Well, you see... (abruptly runs away)
* In Episode 5, after Randal's bottle miraculously makes it across the world to Dante, we have this exchange:
-->'''Dante:''' We did it! We're on our way to the Little League Championship!
-->'''Kid:''' Mr. Dante, there's a paper in this bottle.
-->'''Dante:''' Then throw it out!
-->''(The kid shrugs and throws the bottle in a dumpster)''
** This dialogue:
-->'''Randal:''' ''(getting whipped)'' Ow! Dante is gonna come. Ow! Dante is gonna come. Ow!\\
''(Dante, Jay, and the kids in a conga line)''\\
'''Dante:''' We're ''still'' going to the Little League Championship!
* And of course, all the customers in the last episode, coming into the Quick Stop to talk about the bizarre things happening at the fair across the street. The highlight being Jay and Silent Bob, who periodically come in to complain how much the fair sucks, while clearly having the time of their lives there... and report on Caitlin's sexual exploits to an increasingly frustrated Dante. It culminates in this:
-->'''Jay:''' Let's get back to the sucky fair, Silent Bob. I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick's kissing booth.\\
'''Dante:''' What?! Caitlin has a kissing booth? Like for charity?\\
'''Jay:''' Yeah -- only it don't cost nothing and it's not for charity.\\
''*Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*''\\
'''Jay:''' And there's no booth.\\
''*Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*''\\
'''Jay:''' And there's more than just kissing.\\
''*Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*''\\
'''Jay:''' And you don't have to be a guy.\\
''*Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*''\\
'''Jay:''' Dude, she's cheating on you.\\
''*Jay and Silent Bob exit*''\\
'''Randal:''' So much for ''Dante & Caitlyn 2: [[OddlyNamedSequel2ElectricBoogaloo Electric Boogaloo]]''.\\
'''Dante:''' I think I hate her.
** What's also funny about that scene, is the fact Silent Bob enters with Jay without saying anything.
** Randal apparently dislike the Golden Girls, and hence harassed the actresses; Dante told him hating the show would result in them being nearly arrested by the FBI.

to:

\n!!Funny moments from the cartoon:\n* Dante and Randal's plan to discover Leonardo's evil scheme by having Randal dress up as a rich widow and become Leonardo's fiance. Also, the fact that their entire plan is stolen from an episode of ''Series/TheSecretDiaryOfDesmondPfeiffer'' that's about the ''exact same thing''.\n-->'''Randal''': And I'll bet you're shocked to discover your beloved fiance is none other than I, Randal!\n-->'''Leonardo''': I knew it all the time.\n-->'''Randal''': Ew.\n* Episode 2:\n** Randal and a British customer's confusion over the word "fag."\n--->'''Customer''': Pack of fags?\n--->'''Randal''': ''You're'' a fag!\n--->'''Customer''': It's a cigarette, mate.\n--->'''Randal''': I'm not your mate, fag!\n--->''(Randal jumps from behind the counter and attacks the customer)''\n*** Immediately followed up with this scene:\n-->'''Dante:''' Boy, it wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" ''really'' meant, heh, right mate?\n-->'''Randal:''' ''You're'' a fag!\n-->'''Dante:''' No, uh -- a fag's a cigarette, remember?\n-->'''Randal:''' ''You're'' a cigarette!\n** This dialogue:\n-->'''Woman:''' ''(holding the rented video)'' It's 3am, my baby has been home alone since yesterday morning. Where have you been?\\\n'''Randal:''' Sorry, we're closed.\\\n''(pushed the woman out)''\\\n'''Woman:''' But I[=--=]\\\n''(Randal closes the door and locks it. He accidentally breaks the key in the lock.)''\\\n'''Randal:''' Uh oh, the key broke.\\\n'''Dante:''' We're locked in? [[OhNoNotAgain Again?!]]\\\n''(Dante and Randal bang the door)''\\\n'''Randal:''' Hello?! Anyone out there?! Lady with the dead baby?!\\\n''(the customers have already left)''\n* Episode 3:\n** "Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?"\n*** No-- Yes-- I mean, are there any questions about the deadly virus?!\n**** Could the virus kill the Grimace?\n*** Nothing can kill the Grimace.\n** Jay & Silent Bob are passing the time by breathing in helium-like gas.\n-->(''Jay takes a deep breath, and speaks in a squeaky chipmunk voice.'')\\\n'''Jay:''' [[Film/ETTheExtraterrestrial Be good! Phone home!]]\\\n(''Silent Bob breathes in, and characteristically remains silent.'')\\\n'''Jay:''' ...It's only funny when you talk, stupid.\n** The whole exchange where LL buys the rotten burritos:\n-->'''LL:''' What the devil are those?\n-->'''Randal:''' Descreeto Burritos.\n-->'''LL:''' Why are they steaming and reeking?\n-->'''Randal:''' [[BlatantLies They're the expensive kind.]]\n-->'''LL:''' [[TooDumbToLive I must have them. I'll take the whole box!]] (eats and swallows nasty burrito) Exquisite.\n** Then, after a sickened LL tries to sing "La Cucaracha" and looking GreenAroundTheGills, Randal directs them to the hospital- which is next to the city dump. Followed by Randal's brain calculation, with Dustin Hoffman being replaced by Al Pacino due to legal issues.\n* Episode 4:\n** Randal wants to work Dante's opening shift:\n-->"If I can dress myself, I'm sure I can open the Quick Stop." *gets out of car, revealing he's still in his boxers*\n-->"Call me if you have any problems."\n-->"Please. It'll be as simple as driving a car." *gets into driver's seat, drives offscreen* "WHERE ARE MY PANTS?!" *CRASH*\n** Later in that same episode:\n-->'''Customer:''' ''I'M GONNA BURN THIS PLACE INTO THE GROUND! AND PEE-PEE ON THE ASHES!!''\\\n'''Dante:''' Who's that?\\\n'''Randal:''' That's Regis.\n** ''Big American Party!'' That entire sequence.\n*** "Who is driving? OHMIGOD BEAR IS DRIVING HOW CAN THAT BE?"\n** The ''Film/{{JFK}}'' parody.\n--> '''Randal''': Are you the man I'm supposed to see?\\\n'''X''': You can call me "X". I was in Black Ops, '61 to '63. Covert stuff involving the C.I.A. and donkey shows. All of it illegal, all of it very... EROTIC. What I'm gonna tell you is strictly top secret.\\\n'''Randal''': You know who's behind all this?\\\n'''X''': You're asking the wrong questions. The "who" and "what" are scenery. Ask the big one: "Why?" Why did they want this man tried? (footage of Jay being shot like JFK is shown) Why is this sending shock waves through the corridors of power in Washington? Who benefits?\\\n'''Randal''': You said not to ask "who."\\\n'''X''': Just this once is okay.\\\n'''Randal''': So what does this have to do with Dante and the Quick Stop?\\\n'''X''': Dante? Quick Stop? Well, you see... (abruptly runs away)\n* In Episode 5, after Randal's bottle miraculously makes it across the world to Dante, we have this exchange:\n-->'''Dante:''' We did it! We're on our way to the Little League Championship!\n-->'''Kid:''' Mr. Dante, there's a paper in this bottle.\n-->'''Dante:''' Then throw it out!\n-->''(The kid shrugs and throws the bottle in a dumpster)''\n** This dialogue:\n-->'''Randal:''' ''(getting whipped)'' Ow! Dante is gonna come. Ow! Dante is gonna come. Ow!\\\n''(Dante, Jay, and the kids in a conga line)''\\\n'''Dante:''' We're ''still'' going to the Little League Championship!\n* And of course, all the customers in the last episode, coming into the Quick Stop to talk about the bizarre things happening at the fair across the street. The highlight being Jay and Silent Bob, who periodically come in to complain how much the fair sucks, while clearly having the time of their lives there... and report on Caitlin's sexual exploits to an increasingly frustrated Dante. It culminates in this:\n-->'''Jay:''' Let's get back to the sucky fair, Silent Bob. I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick's kissing booth.\\\n'''Dante:''' What?! Caitlin has a kissing booth? Like for charity?\\\n'''Jay:''' Yeah -- only it don't cost nothing and it's not for charity.\\\n''*Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*''\\\n'''Jay:''' And there's no booth.\\\n''*Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*''\\\n'''Jay:''' And there's more than just kissing.\\\n''*Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*''\\\n'''Jay:''' And you don't have to be a guy.\\\n''*Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*''\\\n'''Jay:''' Dude, she's cheating on you.\\\n''*Jay and Silent Bob exit*''\\\n'''Randal:''' So much for ''Dante & Caitlyn 2: [[OddlyNamedSequel2ElectricBoogaloo Electric Boogaloo]]''.\\\n'''Dante:''' I think I hate her.\n** What's also funny about that scene, is the fact Silent Bob enters with Jay without saying anything.\n** Randal apparently dislike the Golden Girls, and hence harassed the actresses; Dante told him hating the show would result in them being nearly arrested by the FBI.----
28th May '15 3:31:35 AM themisterfree
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** Then, after a sickened LL tries to sing "La Cucaracha" and looking GreenAroundTheGills, Radnal directs them to the hosptial- which is next to the city dump. Followed by Randal's brain calculation, with Dustin Hoffman being replaced by Al Pacino due to legal issues.

to:

** Then, after a sickened LL tries to sing "La Cucaracha" and looking GreenAroundTheGills, Radnal Randal directs them to the hosptial- hospital- which is next to the city dump. Followed by Randal's brain calculation, with Dustin Hoffman being replaced by Al Pacino due to legal issues.
26th May '15 10:08:50 AM themisterfree
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** the whole exchange where LL buys the rotten burritos:

to:

** the The whole exchange where LL buys the rotten burritos:



** Then, after a sickened LL tries to sing "La Cucaracha" and looking GreenAtTheGills, Radnal directs them to the hosptial- which is next to the city dump. Followed by Randal's brain calculation, with Dustin Hoffman being replaced by Al Pacino due to legal issues.

to:

** Then, after a sickened LL tries to sing "La Cucaracha" and looking GreenAtTheGills, GreenAroundTheGills, Radnal directs them to the hosptial- which is next to the city dump. Followed by Randal's brain calculation, with Dustin Hoffman being replaced by Al Pacino due to legal issues.
26th May '15 10:07:52 AM themisterfree
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Added DiffLines:

** the whole exchange where LL buys the rotten burritos:
-->'''LL:''' What the devil are those?
-->'''Randal:''' Descreeto Burritos.
-->'''LL:''' Why are they steaming and reeking?
-->'''Randal:''' [[BlatantLies They're the expensive kind.]]
-->'''LL:''' [[TooDumbToLive I must have them. I'll take the whole box!]] (eats and swallows nasty burrito) Exquisite.
** Then, after a sickened LL tries to sing "La Cucaracha" and looking GreenAtTheGills, Radnal directs them to the hosptial- which is next to the city dump. Followed by Randal's brain calculation, with Dustin Hoffman being replaced by Al Pacino due to legal issues.
11th May '15 4:50:07 PM themisterfree
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* Caitlin [[spoiler: fucking the dead priest]]. She thought it was Dante.

to:

* Caitlin [[spoiler: fucking the dead priest]].guy]]. She thought it was Dante.



** What's also funny about that scene, is the fact Silent Bob enters with Jay without saying anything.

to:

** What's also funny about that scene, is the fact Silent Bob enters with Jay without saying anything.anything.
**Randal apparently dislike the Golden Girls, and hence harassed the actresses; Dante told him hating the show would result in them being nearly arrested by the FBI.
15th Apr '15 8:59:52 PM Angeldeb82
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* Caitlin [[spoilers: fucking the dead priest.]] She thought it was Dante.

to:

* Caitlin [[spoilers: [[spoiler: fucking the dead priest.]] priest]]. She thought it was Dante.
15th Apr '15 8:59:08 PM Angeldeb82
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* Dante and Veronica's [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OQl89ewXvc argument about blowjobs.]]

to:

* Dante and Veronica's [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OQl89ewXvc argument about blowjobs.]]blowjobs]].



-->'''Customer''': [[CompletelyMissingThePoint In a row?]]

to:

-->'''Customer''': [[CompletelyMissingThePoint [[ComicallyMissingThePoint In a row?]]



-->'''Randal''': Obviously. ''(into the phone)'' Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: ''Whispers in the Wind'', ''To Each His Own'', ''Put It Where It Doesn't Belong'', ''My Pipes Need Cleaning'', ''All Tit-Fucking Volume 8'', ''I Need Your Cock'', ''Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers'', ''My Cunt Needs Shafts'', ''Cum Clean'', ''Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts'', ''Cum Buns III'', ''Cumming in Socks'', ''Cum on Eileen'', ''Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum'', ''Girls Who Crave Cock'', ''Girls Who Crave Cunt'', ''Men Alone II: The KY Connection'', ''Pink Pussy Lips'', oh, yeah, and, uh, ''All Holes Filled with Hard Cock''. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. ''(to the woman)'' Uh, what was that called again?

to:

-->'''Randal''': Obviously. ''(into the phone)'' Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: ''Whispers in the Wind'', ''To Each His Own'', ''Put It Where It Doesn't Belong'', ''My Pipes Need Cleaning'', ''All Tit-Fucking Volume 8'', ''I Need Your Cock'', ''Ass-Worshipping ''Ass-Worshiping Rim-Jobbers'', ''My Cunt Needs Shafts'', ''Cum Clean'', ''Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts'', ''Cum Buns III'', ''Cumming in Socks'', ''Cum on Eileen'', ''Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum'', ''Girls Who Crave Cock'', ''Girls Who Crave Cunt'', ''Men Alone II: The KY Connection'', ''Pink Pussy Lips'', oh, yeah, and, uh, ''All Holes Filled with Hard Cock''. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. ''(to the woman)'' Uh, what was that called again?



'''Randal:''' So much for ''Dante & Caitlyn 2: ElectricBoogaloo''.\\

to:

'''Randal:''' So much for ''Dante & Caitlyn 2: ElectricBoogaloo''.[[OddlyNamedSequel2ElectricBoogaloo Electric Boogaloo]]''.\\
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