History Funny / BillCosby

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6vMTZZZMqQ&list=FLLgI0MlAwo2wrzffcr3npkQ&index=13 Bill Cosby on Prejudice]]: Bill takes on the role of a [[IrrationalHatred ridiculously irrational bigot]].

--> '''Cosby''': Come here, come here, c'merec'merec'merec'mere!!! Sit sit sitsitsitsitsitsit!!! No no nonononononononono!!! Here here here here HERE!!! Stop it stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit!!!

--> '''Cosby''': I know a pain that only men suffer that's so far above labor pains you can't even find it on the pain chart. We don't even talk about it. There is no pain greater than the pain a man gets when a he goes out on a date, puts his date down in the seat, in the movie, puts his arm around the chair, in the movie, and leaves it there ''for two-and-a-half hours''. The blood from his fingertips drains to the center of his chest.

* In ''Bill Cosby: Himself'', after his wife beat the kids with a yardstick:

** The routine starts with a bewildered Noah being commanded to build the ark:

-->"How long can you tread water? Heh heh heh.."
** Became the world's longest BrickJoke when Bill hosted a ''Kids Say The Darndest Things'' special. He asked a little boy what his name was. When the boy said "Noah." Bill looked at the audience, smiled and said "Riiiight!"

** After the child is born, he thinks she looks...weird. He walks over to his wife, kisses her and says "I love you so much. You've just had...([[{{Beat}} beat]] a lizard."

* "What is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful? And he said, 'Well, it intensifies your personality.' And I said, 'Yes, but what if you're an [[PrecisionFStrike asshole]]?'"

--> "And I said, 'Junior Barnes, I'm goin' in the house and get an orange soda for us. You just wait right here. [[EvilLaugh Ha, ha, ha, ha.]] You gunky.' And I walked in the house, and opened that freezer door, [[spoiler: and my mother had thrown the snowball away. So I went back outside and I ''spit'' on him."]]

* The climax of his "Revenge" routine is the height of hilarity. He talks about Junior Barnes hitting him in the side of the face with a slushball, chasing Junior and not being able to catch him. So Bill makes a perfect snowball, inscribes Junior's name on it, takes it home and puts it in the freezer. And waits till July. He and Junior are shooting the bull on Bill's front porch.
--> "And I said, 'Junior Barnes, I'm goin' in the house and get an orange soda for us. You just wait right here. [[EvilLaugh Ah, ha, ha, ha.]] You gunky.' And I walked in the house, and opened that freezer door, [[spoiler: and my mother had thrown the snowball away. So I went back outside and I ''spit'' on him.]]

--> '''Cosby''': My wife comes downstairs with a broken stick. She throws it on the table and begins to talk out loud to... ''NOBODY''! "Gonna tell me that you're not going to do something when I tell you to do something. I mean you MOVE when I say move! Think I carried you in my body for nine months so you can roll your eyes at me? I'll roll that little head of yours down on the floor. You don't know who you're fooling with. I'll beat you until you can't grow anymore!

* Three words - ''THE CHICKEN HEART''.

-=->''Ladies and gentlemen, the breathing Cosbys!''

* Recalling a college football game where their coach gave a RousingSpeech that soon had everyone spouting {{Angrish}} and ready to kick some ass on the field...[[spoiler:and then found the door was locked.]]

-->''Hello, brain? Yes, this is throat. Yeah, you better get some work done down here; somebody killed a kid or something.''

-->''Ladies and gentlemen, the breathing Cosbys!''

* His mother's hypocritical parenting: "Day and night, night and day, work my fingers to the bone, for WHAT?!" "I don't--" "''SHUT. '''UP!''''' Now when I ask you a question, you keep your trap ''shut!'' Do you think I keep talking just to myself talk? ''ANSWER ME!!''"

* The entire [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRmN4KnfPxQ Chocolate Cake for Breakfast]] routine.

** AmnesiaTheDarkDescent becomes less terrifying thanks to this sketch. No, seriously.

* His mother's hypocritical parenting: "Day and night, night and day, work my fingers to the bone, for WHAT?!" "I don't--" "''SHUT. '''UP!''''' Now when I ask you a question, you keep your trap ''shut!''"

-->"I'd always heard about people having a conniption, but I'd never seen one. You don't want to see one."

* Bill Cosby breathing "macho style" with his wife in lamaze class. Then saying that he would go to parties and they would ask them to breathe.

* Also, what has popularly become known as "the Noah routine". Actually three short skits, riffing off what would actually happen were Joe Random Citizen one day asked by the Lord to build an ark (for one thing, his neighbor would be really cranky when it blocked his driveway...) Please, if you're currently blank-faced, go find this thing on the Net ''right now''.

* The entire "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With" routine from the album of the same name. It's a 22-minute routine on nighttime hijinks involving an undersized bed (on which he and Russell keep fighting over sides), a grouchy father, tall tales about who broke the bed... until finally, the father comes in with ''[[DontMakeMeTakeMyBeltOff the]] [[NoodleImplements belt]]'' to spank them both. Realizing that neither boy wants to sleep, he forces them both to stand up on the floor until morning. The skit ends with, [[BrickJoke "I don't want you touching me on my side of the floor, either."]]

* The infamous "It's True, It's True!" routine, wherein Bill relates the time he was in Japan and decided to see for himself whether the rumors about those "wonderful baths" were true...but his wife walked in on him.

* "You know what my father's favorite game was? 'Come over here and pull my finger!!'" And, of course, from earlier, we have what Bill thought his name was thanks to his dad's swearing.

* "Natural childbirth means that no drugs will be administered into the female's body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants."