Line #23 Funny/BillCosby


1	Say what you will about Cosby [[OvershadowedByControversy based on his now-tarnished reputation]], but a great many of his stand-up routines are pretty hilarious if you find it easy to look past him as a person.
2	----
3	* The entire "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With" routine from the album of the same name. It's a 22-minute routine on nighttime hijinks involving an undersized bed (on which he and Russell keep fighting over sides), a grouchy father, jumping on the bed and ultimately breaking it and tall tales about who broke the bed. Their father continues to threaten to come in with ''[[DontMakeMeTakeMyBeltOff the]] [[NoodleImplements belt]]'' to spank them both, which will "rip the meat off of their bodies" should it hit them. Realizing that neither boy will go to sleep, the father forces them both to stand on the floor until morning. The skit ends with, [[BrickJoke "And I don't want you touching me on my side of the floor, either."]]
4	* Also, what has popularly become known as "the Noah routine". Actually three short skits, riffing off what would actually happen were Joe Random Citizen one day asked by the Lord to build an ark (for one thing, his neighbor would be really cranky when it blocked his driveway...) Please, if you're currently blank-faced, go [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlmIeH7DT_w listen to this thing]] ''right now''.
5	** The routine starts with a bewildered Noah being commanded to build the ark; Noah's lines are audibly delivered with a big "This is a joke, right?" grin (and, when Cosby performed this sketch on television, he was indeed wearing just such a grin to deliver Noah's lines):
6	--->There's a fella by the name of Noah, built an ark, everybody knows he built an ark, you say, "What'd Noah do?", they say, "Well, he built an ark." But very few people know about the conversation that went on between the Lord and Noah. You see, Noah was in his rec room, sawing away, he was making a few things for the home, there, he's a good carpenter... ''(imitating saw)'' VOO-ba, VOO-ba, VOO-ba, VOO-ba...\
7	''(ding!)''\
8	[[AC:Noah.]]\
9	"... somebody call?" ''(beat; resumes sawing)'' VOO-ba, VOO-ba, VOO-ba...\
10	''(ding!)''\
11	[[AC:Noah.]]\
12	"Who is that?"\
13	[[AC:It's the Lord, Noah.]]\
14	"... ''Riiight''. Where are ya? Whaddaya want, I've been good!"\
15	[[AC:I want you to build... an ark.]]\
16	"... ''Riiight''. What's an ark?"\
17	[[AC:Get some wood. Build it. Three hundred cubits by eighty cubits by forty cubits.]]\
18	"... ''Riiight''. What's a cubit?"\
19	[[AC:Let's see, a cubit, I used to know what a cubit was, uh... well, don't worry about that, Noah, when you get that done, go out into the world, collect all of the animals in the world by twos, male and female, and put them into the ark.]]\
20	"... ''Riiight''. Who is this really? What's goin' on? How come you want me to do all these weird things?"\
21	[[AC:I'm going to destroy the world.]]\
22	"... ''Riiight''. Am I on ''Series/CandidCamera''?... How ya gonna do it?"\
23	[[AC:I'm gonna make it rain for a thousand days and drown 'em right out.]]\
24	"... ''Riiight''. Listen, do this, you'll save water. Let it rain for forty days and forty nights, and wait for the sewers to back up."\
25	[[AC:... ''Riiight''.]]
26	** Later, Noah has an argument with his next-door neighbour, who can't get to work because the ark is blocking his driveway:
27	--->I was just wondering, what would be the effect of an ark on the average neighbour? Here's a guy goin' to work, seven o'clock in the morning, Noah's next-door neighbour, and he sees the ark.\
28	"''(whistles, trails off)'' ... HEY! You up there!"\
29	"Whaddaya want?"\
30	"What is this!?"\
31	"It's an ark!"\
32	"Uh-huh. You wanna get it out of my driveway?! I gotta get to work! Listen, what's this thing for, anyway?"\
33	"I can't tell you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."\
34	"Well, I mean, can't you give me a little hint?"\
35	"You want a hint?"\
36	"Yes, please!"\
37	"How long can you tread water? Ha ha ha ha ha."
38	** Later still, Noah has finished building the ark and is struggling to get the animals into it. A return visit from the Lord causes him to snap and unleash an epic rant - until the rains begin:
39	--->'Course, Noah had a- had a heck of a job, really. He had to go out and collect all of the animals in the world by twos, two mosquitoes, "Male or female?", and, uh, he had to keep telling the rabbits, "Only two. ''Only two!'' Only two." So we find Noah pulling up the last two animals, two hippos, and he's really in a hurry to get 'em up because he's afraid that the Lord's gonna call him and ask him to do something else and his nerves are shot, this is one heck of a job for a man 600 years old! So we find him pulling up the last two hippos, and of course, the Lord does call him there.\
40	"Come on, fat hippos, hurry up! Come on, will ya, please?"\
41	''(ding!)''\
42	[[AC:Noah.]]\
43	"''WHAT!?'' What do you want?!"\
44	[[AC:Gotta take one of those hippos out and bring in another one.]]\
45	"What for!?"\
46	[[AC:'Cause you got two males down there and you need to bring in a female.]]\
47	"I'm not bringin' nothin' in! You change one of 'em!"\
48	[[AC:Come on, you know I don't work like that.]]\
49	"Well, I'm sick and tired of this, I've had enough of this stuff, I've been working all day, working on it for days and days, I'm sick and tired of this!"\
50	[[AC:Noah?]]\
51	"Yeah?"\
52	[[AC:[[IronicEcho How long can you tread water?]]]]\
53	"Yeah, well I got news for you, I'm sick and tired of this whole mess! The whole neigbourhood's out there laughing at me, they're all having a grand time at good old Noah there, I went out there and got my best friend Larry, I said 'Larry, listen, I've been talking with the Lord!' Larry said, 'Oh really?' 'Yeah, yeah! Lord, Larry! Larry, Lord!' You walked off laughing and I hear 'em all laughing at me, you know I'm the only guy in this neighbourhood with an ark? People around here laughing, picket signs walking up and down, I'm sick and tired of this stuff here! People walking around here, 'How you doing Tarzan? How's everything up there?' Sick and tired of this mess here, you're supposed to know all and see all, you let me go out there and bring in a pregnant elephant, you give me no manual for delivery or nothin', never told me the thing was pregnant, there's good old Noah waitin' underneath the elephant there, BROOOOM! Right on top of me! Sick and tired of this mess here, had enough of all this stuff for you runnin' around, you're supposed to know all and see all like I said before, you let me go out there and do all this stuff here, you never even looked in the bottom of that ark, have you looked down there? NO! Who's gonna clean up that mess down there!? Not me, I'll tell you that! I've had enough of this stuff! I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm letting all these animals out, ''(thunderclap)'' and then I'm gonna burn down this ark, and I'm going to Florida somewhere 'cause you haven't done nothin'! ''(sound of heavy rainfall)'' I'm sick and tired of all this mess, you're foolin' around, and you haven't done nothing, ''(trails off)'' and you got it... rainin'... it's not a shower, is it? Okay, Lord, me and you, right, 'cause I knew it all the time..."
54	* The "Noah routine" became the world's longest BrickJoke when Bill hosted a ''Kids Say The Darndest Things'' special. He asked a little boy what his name was. When the boy said "Noah." Bill looked at the audience, smiled and said "Riiiight!"
55	* The "Foreign Countries" routine on ''It's True! It's True!'', wherein Bill relates the time he was in Japan and decided to see for himself whether the rumors about those "wonderful baths" were true... but his wife walked in on him.
56	* The "Go Karts" routine, which features a multitude of great sound effects, as well as a CallBack to an earlier routine about Cryin' Charlie, and a BrickJoke involving the cops.
57	* The "Fernet Branca" routine, wherein that bitter liqueur saves Bill after he accidentally orders barbecued sparrow at an Italian restaurant while trying to impress his wife and forces himself to eat it.
58	* From the "Two Daughters" routine, Bill's first daughter vs. the second:
59	-->"Now the first one, Erica, she was beautiful. She came out and said ding! "My name is Erica. I love you both. Mommy, what time in the morning would you like to get up?" We said "Oh, eight-thirty...." "Well I won't wake up until nine, and even if I am wet I will not even cry, and when I wake up in the morning, you won't even hear me make a noise, I'll just say 'ohlalolo...leeleelalala...' My name is Erica and I love you both." ding! I looked at my wife and said "Look, this is great! Like, we gotta have another one right away. Before we lose whatever we've got going for us." So we did. Now this second one...Beelzebub...she came outta the chute a month early, champagne in one hand, cigarette in the other, "All right, who's in charge here? You, the ugly guy, what are you doing here?" "I'm your father." "Get rid of him, Momzie!...Time you been gettin up in the morning?" "Oh, eight-thirty...." "Well would you believe - THREE THIRTY! For no particular reason. And this is the way I cry: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! How's that shake up your spinal cord?"
60	* The entire "Tonsils" routine, particularly after his operation, when the doctors try to make him swallow.
61	-->''Hello, brain? Yes, this is throat. Yeah, you better get some work done down here; somebody killed a kid or something.''
62	* Recalling a college football game where their coach gave a RousingSpeech that soon had everyone spouting {{Angrish}} and ready to kick some ass on the field...[[spoiler:and then found the door was locked.]]
63	%%* ''THE CHICKEN HEART''.
64	* The climax of his "Revenge" routine is the height of hilarity. He talks about Junior Barnes hitting him in the side of the face with a slushball, chasing Junior and not being able to catch him. So Bill makes a perfect snowball, inscribes Junior's name on it, takes it home and puts it in the freezer. And waits till July. He and Junior are shooting the bull on Bill's front porch.
65	--> "And I said, 'Junior Barnes, I'm goin' in the house and get an orange soda for us. You just wait right here. [[EvilLaugh Ha, ha, ha, ha.]] You gunky.' And I walked in the house, and opened that freezer door, [[spoiler: and my mother had thrown the snowball away. So I went back outside and I ''spit'' on him."]]
66	* "What is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful? And he said, 'Well, it intensifies your personality.' And I said, 'Yes, but what if you're an [[PrecisionFStrike asshole]]?'"
67	* This:
68	--> '''Cosby''': I know a pain that only men suffer that's so far above labor pains you can't even find it on the pain chart. We don't even talk about it. There is no pain in the world greater than the pain a man gets when a he goes out on a date, plants his date down in the seat, in the movie, puts his arm around the chair, in the movie, and leaves it there ''for two and a half hours''. The blood from his fingertips drains to the center of his chest. "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to save my wrist, what do you think?"
69	* Bill Cosby on Prejudice: Bill takes on the role of a [[IrrationalHatred ridiculously irrational bigot]].
70	* AudioPlay/IStartedOutAsAChild: In "Medic," Cosby joins the Navy, and becomes a corpsman because, according to the Geneva Convention, enemy soldiers cannot shoot at medics. He and his fellow medics rethink their career choices after their CO shows them a film in which the enemy are violating the Geneva Convention and are taking out the medics first, so when the fighting starts, he leads the medics into a foxhole to watch the war from a distance. [[spoiler: One of the medics is killed by stray shrapnel, and another one, against his comrades' advice, decides to avenge him. When he gets shot, he calls for a medic, but Cosby refuses to come out of the foxhole.]]
71	--> [[spoiler: '''Medic''': MEDIC!]]
72	--> [[spoiler: '''Cosby''': Whaddaya want?]]
73	--> [[spoiler: '''Medic''': My leg, my leg!]]
74	--> [[spoiler: '''Cosby''': I don't make house calls! Take two aspirin and mail in the five dollars!]]
75	* This, from his album ''OH, Baby'':
76	--> There was a song, man, that spoke to me. Thank God for poets and songwriters, 'cause I couldn't express it. But there was a song that said it all. And I just heard it on the radio two days ago. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." I mean, I can't sing, but I can say it, jack. "Ain't no mountain high enough, to keep me from gettin' to you." I mean, whether you're married or not, you know what that means. No mountain! High enough! Keep me from gettin' to you, jack. Oh, baby. Oh, baby! No ocean! Wide enough! To keep me from...Oh, baby! So, after twenty-seven years, here I am dozing off....Back then, I would climb, in the winter, up eight thousand feet, oh baby! And I don't know when the change occurred. I don't know if it was the fifth year, or the fifteenth. But I know, today, if someone came up to me and said, "Mr. Cosby, your wife is up at the top of the mountain, said for you to come up and get her." First thing I'd say is "Well, what the hell's she doing up there?!" Then I'd call my son. Say, "Go on up there and get your mother. Bring her down here and take her over to the hospital, see if she's all right. Oh, baby."
77	* His take on Superman.
78	--> We find Clark Kent mild mannered reporter for the Daily Planet walking the streets when from out of nowhere, his super hearing picks up a robbery. "Gimmie your dough!" Quickly, he dashes into a phone booth. Starts to take his clothing off there. Quickly, a cop comes up. (knocks)\
79	"Yes?"\
80	"What are you doing in the phone booth?!"\
81	"I'm changing clothes officer."\
82	"You can't change clothes in the phone booth! Come out of there! Who do you think you are anyway?"\
83	"I'm Superman."\
84	"Right, (whistles) bring a wagon in Charlie! Come out of that phone booth!"\
85	"Look, I told you I'm Superman! Can't you see this red S on my chest?"\
86	"Right and I'm going to give you a red S and a black I if you don't come out of that phone booth!"
87

Context Funny / BillCosby