I have to say, before I started watching these videos, I thought Chris was just a narrow-minded, idiotic manchild, but oh god, seeing him in his limited action has shed a whole new light on just what a waste of space this guy is. I don’t even have to try to make fun of him, he pretty much does it to himself. But hey. I’ll let the manchild speak for itself. Like I mentioned before, I’m starting with his two ‘I AM STRAIGHT’ videos, because I laughed and raged at the same time, and I have so damn much to say about how fucking ridiculous his insane ranting is. The first video is just him saying he’s straight and we better not forget it. AWESOME. One whole sentence! Moving on. The second video is much longer, and much more stupid. It starts off with this little gem: “You know who I am.” Unfortunately. “But I have randomly decided to make this video because I am sick of all the false accusations and rumors and slanders that have been going around on the Internet about—against me. ” Oh goodie. What’s the problem now, Chris? “So, I tell y—so, I tell you for sure and for true that I am straight. I could te—and I can tell you why from a lifetime of stories, but I'll tell it to you in just a few short minutes. ” Please don’t. I like my sanity where it is, thanks. “Anyway… most of my friends in my life… have been female. I've had only few male acquaintances. And they've definitely turned me off—the majority of them—because they are rude, crude, and inconsiderate… causing wars and such. ” News flash, dumbass: Having male friends don’t make you gay. I’d question his sexuality more if he had mostly female friends that he didn’t ever really date. Either way, I can’t think of a single gay person (or straight person, for that matter) that deserves even a fraction the indignity and insult that would come with being lumped with Chris. Can’t help but notice he said that only the majority of his male acquaintances turned him off, implying that he has been turned on by guys before. And who the hell said only men start wars? Or that all men were rude, crude, and/or inconsiderate? Fucking Chris. “But… women are so kind and sweet. And you don't have to look at any… pict—any—any of 'em in bikinis or in the nude… to know—to—to—not s—to fail to see the attrac—to fail to see the beauty in each and every… wonderful woman.” Oh, stuff a sock in it. You don’t care about a woman’s personality. Unless ‘personality’ means ‘tits’, in which case, never mind. You care way too much about her personality. “But inside that beauty they all have caring qualities—the majority of them. Y’know, between them and me and the majority of the world… we all just want to be understood! And I understand the ladies. I understand the women.” Just because you put your bra on one strap at a time like we do does not mean you understand us. “But… I do not need… to cons—to con—to fall—stoop down to a level of where the hormones—where my hormones would go out of rage… to appreciate… them as being my friends… and my gal-pals… even as—even as well as acquaintances… because I can only have one true sweetheart. ” Yeah whatever. I can only assume it’s an amalgamation of Ivy, Sarah, JULAY, Kimmi, a can of Fanta, a poster of Sailor Moon, his PS3, a gaggle of trolls, and a pile of rancid sex toys, as they’ve all been his ONE TRUE SWEETHEART at some point. “But anyway, gettin' to—over to the women… you cannot—you can definitely see… the sheer brilliance… of… their delightful personalities between each and every one of them. ” Again, unless ‘personality’ is supposed to mean ‘tits’, I can’t believe Chris means that. “And yet some of them can… turn… and be very distraught… ” Like when you get too close to them? “…but we have to learn to… abide by them… and just… let it pass! Even if it doesn't pass… we still love them because… at one point, even befo—at one point, before they had—they did a 180… in th—in that sense… they were still caring! ” Yeah, because every girl is exactly the same. We’re all gushy and caring, until we’re pissed, but even then, we’re all still sweet and nice on the inside. Just put up with us being ‘distraught’ and eventually we’ll all just mellow out into thoughtless, boyfriend-needing sacks of credit card debt. Fucking Chris. “And just because they act in a harsh nature… even when they should be calm and peaceful… they still care… about… the men in their… lives.” Unless they’re single or lesbians. But in Chrisland, there are no pretty single women (every other man in the world- all of whom are jerks -stole every pretty single girl ever), meaning there are no single women in Chrisland, because ugly girls don’t count and don‘t get love. And lesbians just exist in pictures and soft-core porn you have to descramble at 3 in the morning after you come down from that bad acid trip. Fucking Chris. “And especially the children… that she and her husband… put together… like I will be putting together with my… sweetheart. My sweet Panda… ” Babies: Some assembly required? And not all women like children. As a matter of fact, I can’t stand kids at all. I absolutely do not want to put together children with anybody. But, that’s all operating under the reality that all women are not one woman with one flat personality, and this is Chrisland, where such logic is blasphemous and the work of trolls. AND THEN CHRIS FUCKING RICKROLLS US. Not even kidding. He starts singing ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ before he remembers he was making this video for a reason, and if Chris was a troll, it would almost be funny to be Rickrolled in the middle of his stupid rant. But he’s not, so it’s just kinda sad. “But… I c—ensure you that I am straight. I—'cause, y’know, I appreciate the women—all the women—for their personalities purely.” Personality- noun: (see: tits) “ But… any man would be crazy… or… even ignorant… to not even notice the outer beauty in addition to their inner beauty. ” Or maybe he would just not be a fucking tool to notice inner beauty without regarding outer beauty? Also, lulz, Chris calling other people ignorant. “But I appreciate the inner beauty more… than the outer beauty. ” DAMN DIRTY LIES. And now is when it starts getting fucking creepy, as Chris starts to manhandle an issue of Playboy while gushing about how it helps men appreciate women in the most redundant way possible. “ And Playboy has been able to… help us in that sense to… better relate… and further our appreciation for the female species. The females, the women. The beautiful ladies. ” Uh, okay. Whatever. I didn’t realize that looking at naked women (females, and/or beautiful ladies) let me relate to them. Thanks for opening my eyes, Chris. And yet, he insists he doesn’t need the Playboy to prove he’s straight, making me wonder why he even bothered with showing it if there was no point. “Because… I am educated between… my life—between—throughout my whole lifetime… and the classes I have taken, between sex ed, and high school, and real-life experiences, and my ins and outs in my sweetheart search in the past.... ” Saying that Chris is educated is an insult to anyone who’s been within five miles of a school. Besides, who the hell uses the fact that they’ve been to school as a reason for or against a sexuality? Fucking Chris, that’s who. He then goes into a rambling tirade about a woman who thwarted him, making him so mad he drew bad things about her. But he doesn’t hold it against her because, like all the women in Chrisland, she must be sweet and kind to the men she actually likes. Chris also tries to channel his rage into positive things, because he looooooves the wimmenz, but we’ve all seen how that works out. In fact, Chris loves all women. The ones he knows, and the ones he doesn’t. Could he reek any more of desperation if he tried? Turns out, yes. Yes he can, as he suddenly gets this shit-eating grin on his face before mumbling to himself (and proving exactly what I’ve been saying the whole time): “Boobies! Vaginas. ” Chris doesn’t care about women, he cares about china and boobs. Then he starts with this weird hand motion, like he’s outlining the breast and hip curves of a woman, and mimes fondling something, turning the Creepy Factor of this video all the way up to 20. “I'm straight. I love the women… outside…” There’s that creepy molesting-an-invisible-woman motion again. “…and… inside… and… that should be enough to prove that I am straight… to everyone, even those who dare say otherwise. ” Except it’s not. I mean, if you just said that you’re straight once and then left it at that, maybe people would shut up a little, but when you go this batshit denying it? Nobody is going to believe you. The only reason why Chris isn’t holding all the rumors about him being NOT STRAIGHT against people is because he doesn’t know if a woman or a man started the rumor, and if it was a woman, he can’t hold it against them, because he loves the wimmenz. After all, it’s not our fault we’re simple and prone to irrational mood swings. We’re just women. If it’s a guy, though, Chris won’t be so kind, and he tells us again that he’ll tolerate some men every once in a while when he has to, but he’ll only appreciate and care about women. Doesn’t matter if, say, a man saves his life, he won’t appreciate him because he’s not a girl, and showing any sort of positive attitude towards another male for any reason immediately makes him homogay. Fucking Chris. In short, Chris is straight because he cares about the women, and he wants to offer them all a hug. To that, I can only say: EW NO. Chris so generously allows us to forfeit getting it from him in person, as we can get hugs whenever we want from people who are actually close to us and don’t make us want to vomit bile. He keeps doing that dumbass hand gesture before insisting, one more time, that he is totally, completely straight, and ending this shullbit— for now. I need a shower. A dozen of them. So unclean.
I auto-counter with my passive feat of Insincere Apology.
The Lunatic in Your Hall
Chris bringing up school reminds me of David Gonterman claiming that he learned gays were evil when some kids called him gay in high school.
I haven't known true fear in a very, very long time.
Is not the badger
Epic facepalm. Fucking Chris...
If Jesus reads this, I want my pants back...
I feel so violated...
You got some dirt on you. Here's some more!
Your army sucks.
^Chris' very presence does that to people.
Sorry, I can't hear you from my FLYING METAL BOX!
The system doesn't know you right now, so no post button for you.
You need to Get Known to get one of those.
You need to Get Known to get one of those.