The Cries of Haruhi Suzumiya

This is where one can talk about The Cries of Haruhi Suzumiya, a work in progress fanfic by Thnikkafan. Comment, add suggestions, and give constructive criticism as you see fit.

So Yeah, this is to basically free up the Higurashi thread for talk about, well, Higurashi.

How unreasonable is Yuki immediately being able to see Hanyuu (who is still ghostly)?

It might be a bit unreasonable for Yuki to see her, at least immediatley, but she would definately detect her a la the camel cricket and (novel spoilers) the Silicon things attached to the puppy. Still, I don't think anyone would mind too much, given Yuki's Badass Bookworm status.

edited 4th Dec '09 11:38:24 AM by zzzdragon

Okay, how unplausible would Kyon getting a massive gash from accidentally crashing a bike into a cleaver-holding Rena be?

You mean besides not noticing a girl with a huge cleaver in the way? I can't think of anything too implausible.

Okay, good. That's a major plot point. Kyon crashes into her, rides off to the scrapyard (where the SOS brigade is camping out) to get a first aid kit, Rena arrives there, Haruhi jumps to conclusions, and Rena dies.

Dies? How?

Haruhi shoves her to death (there's a sharp piece of metal or something behind her) for "attacking" Kyon. Basically, it's somewhat similar to the ending of Tatarigoroshi-hen, when Satoko thinks Keiichi killed Rena.

And I'm trying to think of how I can work a "Zubaaan" in there somewhere.

edited 5th Dec '09 8:14:50 PM by Thnikkafan

Okay, now it's time to deal with a very fanficcy thing: Gratuitous Japanese!

Not counting Japanese Honorifics, there isn't any in. Yet. I haven't reached any Catch Phrases yet, and they will be in, in some form or another. I'm not sure what to do with "USO DA!", "Hauu! Omochikaeri!", or the various Verbal Tics. What do you think?

I would recommend against shoving in Gratuitous Japanese. It's far too distracting for the average reader. Of course, things like "U So DA!" are no where near the level of 'Zerogouki'.

The Cries of Haruhi Suzumiya.

Sounds like a porno.

Oay. "Uso Da!" can be just "That's a lie!". Seems fair. But what about the verbal tics? Espescially Rika's?

Yeah, they're fine. There's no real translation for them and it helps in identifying who's talking.

If a translation exists though, then I would recommend using the English equivalent, whichever one you choose to use.

edited 10th Dec '09 2:59:27 AM by catch_the_sun

Chapter One, Scene Two is up. Read it, please.

I don't think I wrote Kyon that well. Not enough Kyon-ness. I think I might rewrite that a bit before actually publishing it.

Three bits of dialouge I'd like to make a comment on:

1. You mentioned "Did you get the crow drunk?" as a play on the old saying "As the crow flies." Just a thought, but it might be worth making a mention of the original saying in the first part during the "let's go in a straight line" incident. Something like Haruhi shouting "Forward! As the crow flies!", for instance. Also, in response to not being Kyon-y enough, maybe change "Did you get the crow drunk?" to something a bit more long winded. "Let me guess, you force-fed that crow of yours a pint of sake before letting it fly, didn't you."

2. Itsuki's "Who are you?" If I were writing this, I might have phrased that as "And who might you two be?" Koizumi tends to talk more fancy like that, and is usually not direct in his questions unless things have gotten serious.

3. Nagato's "It is 8:43" I like the lack of contraction, but I think Nagato would not include the first two words, wanting to "minimize the amount of energy expenditure in order to transmit the required information." Or something like that.

Just my thoughts on a few changes to the dialouge that might help keep the characters more in-character. Also, maybe describe Takano as a "young woman" instead of a "girl." She seems at least 22-23, I'm not sure "girl" really is the best word to use.

Gotcha. Can do.

Okay, I think I've found a way to off Mikuru. She's gonna get killed brutally by Yuki. But I need a reason.

I was thinking misplaced feelings: Yuki kills Mikuru because Yuki determined that Mikuru's survival chances are near zero, and kills her to prevent Kyon from finding out when she does die and making Haruhi ragequit the universe. Do any of you have any better motives?

Works well enough. Haruhi's too dangerous to give her a chance to even think about such a thing, so yeah. Works for me!

Of course, there's a point where Yuki tries to get them home by wrecking the universe with a... "Asakuran" way of thinking - a fact complicated becaus at that time Haruhi is dead.

Also, extremely important fact that I need to know and a good deal of the story depends on it: How many people can fit lying down on the floor of Rena's hiding spot/bus/van/whatever?

I managed to write down the rest of the third and fourth parts of the first chapter. Now I just have to transcribe it to the computer and we'll be set.

Good thing that I finished writing it, too. School (AKA my writing studio) has just let out.

The third part of The Cries Of Haruhi Suzumiya, Chapter One has been uploaded.

And so has the second part of the third part of the Chapter One.

edited 22nd Dec '09 7:41:20 PM by Thnikkafan

Due to illness, the uploading of the fanfic may take longer than I thought. I definitely missed my deadline of 2009, and I probably will miss my alternate deadline of January 3rd.

What kind of questions do you have regarding crossposting to FF.net? The only problem I think you have right now is that your chapter one is too short. That's just me though.

Too short?

You're counting all the currently published stuff as part of the chapter, right?

Anyway, it'll have another scene about the same length as the other scenes added on once it's finished. As it stands, the fifth scene could be added in without too much hassle. Any more than that is too much.

Anyway, I'm wondering all that I need to fill in - author's notes, disclaimer, etc.

Also, I'm debating on whether I should give Haruhi a touching death scene or not.

Yes, I'm counting that. It's okay though; it's only the first chapter after all. However, I don't think subsequent ones should be that short. I write like that too, but I did write a 12000 word chapter one some time ago.

12000?

I'm estimating the first chapter will come in at around 8000-9000 words. Is that enough?