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sexual scene:

OK, I'm not very good at writing sexual things, so I'd like comments on this. Is it plausible for them to act this way?


The maid hummed as she wandered through the hotel rooms, changing sheets. It wasn't an entertaining job, she had to admit, but it wasn't very unpleasant, and it paid the bills.

When she entered one room, she paused, seeing a strikingly handsome man perched on the bed. "Oh, I can come back later." She started to back out of the room.

"No, go ahead." He got off the bed and headed to a chair nearby. "Don't mind me." She nodded and set to work, acutely aware of his eyes on her.

"You're very beautiful." He commented.

She froze. Not again! She didn't want to have to rebuff yet another guy who mistook maids for prostitutes. "Thanks." She said curtly, and continued working. "My boyfriend thinks so." She lied.

When she was finished and turned around, he was behind her. She jumped, realizing she hadn't noticed him moving. "Oh, sorry for startling you." The guy said, putting his hands on her shoulders to steady her, his brown eyes meeting hers.

Heat flooded through her. "It's OK." She said faintly. She wanted him to keep his hands on her. She wanted to tear his clothes off, and her own as well. Dimly, she knew that it was ridiculous to feel this way about someone she'd just barely met - a stranger to this town, furthermore - but she couldn't help herself.

"Would you be able to stay here with me awhile?" He asked. "Put off work, for an hour or two?" He released her and started pulling his shirt off.

She watched him, entranced. "I'd love to." Following his lead, she set the dirty sheets aside and started undressing as well. Before long, they were in bed together.
If I'm asking for advice on a story idea, don't tell me it can't be done.
 2 pvtnum 11, Thu, 14th Oct '10 3:04:56 PM from Kerbin low orbit Relationship Status: We finish each other's sandwiches
linkup
So, they're in bed within an hour? Wow. I'm left assuming that she's loose (not based off of her thoughts of having to rebuff yet another man), or he's that good at the art of seduction. Kind of a leap as it is now.
Happiness is zero-gee with a sinus cold.
 3 Leradny, Thu, 14th Oct '10 3:07:29 PM from Alameda, CA
Err. This is very Beige Prose, mostly just telling the reader what is happening. I can only assume this is a rough draft of some sort?

I would like to know more about what the characters look like and their personalities outside of being horny. So far I know the man has brown eyes, and nothing about the maid at all.

Why was the maid so easily persuaded? Did she actually find him attractive at first, only refusing to keep up an air of professionalism? Did she refuse at first because she is manipulative and knew that it would be easy to frame him as having raped her if someone caught them in the act? Is she just weak-willed? Is the man a businessperson, wealthy socialite from an old family, rock star, self-made man? Why does he randomly decide to have sex with a hotel maid? And so on.

Outside of porn, writers need solid characters to make a sex scene individual and connected to the story. Right now, I could replace "maid" with just about anything else, since you don't even have names or appearances.

I'm not knocking the in-bed-within-an-hour thing because anything is plausible if written with enough support from the characters and plot. And because I've written scenes where complete strangers hook up after like, three lines of dialogue each.

edited 14th Oct '10 3:13:51 PM by Leradny

 4 A H R, Thu, 14th Oct '10 5:44:57 PM from Crevice of your Mind
Resistance is Futile
I'd mention smell, and maybe body temperatures as well. Basically take what makes you happy to be around a puppy or something like that, and tweak it. Elaborate why she found him attractive. Is there pheremone mixing going on? Perhaps he's got a smile? Maybe she hadn't taken care of herself in a while and was feeling sexually frustrated?

But yes, the prose is rather beige-ish.

edited 14th Oct '10 5:46:20 PM by A_H_R

 5 Madrugada, Thu, 14th Oct '10 10:11:36 PM Relationship Status: In season
Zzzzzzzzzz
It doesn't follow at all. Her first thought is "Not again." and her second one is "Wait, let me get this uniform off"? In bed within the first hour is difficult, but this is No-to-Yes in under five minutes.
...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.
Reading this gave me the impression that the man was supernatural. The way she changes her mind seems way too abrupt.

 7 Foton, Fri, 15th Oct '10 5:04:57 AM from The Desert
Criminally Ferrety
Ditto with the above posters. Very, very unlikely unless the guy had a Geass or something.
"Who needs a Wave Motion Gun if you can teleport your enemy onto one?"
You found it to abrupt? Great! Actually, the man will be revealed to be an incubus, who has the power to make people have sex with him. And the maid will be left pretty messed up - I'm playing this as a rape.

Will include more description, however. I didn't intend it to be Beige Prose.
If I'm asking for advice on a story idea, don't tell me it can't be done.
 9 pvtnum 11, Fri, 15th Oct '10 10:28:09 AM from Kerbin low orbit Relationship Status: We finish each other's sandwiches
linkup
Probably need to show some of that - it's okay to give hints to the reader, or else we're left going "wait, what?" But now it makes a bit more sense.
Happiness is zero-gee with a sinus cold.
 10 Leradny, Fri, 15th Oct '10 4:28:28 PM from Alameda, CA
You found it to abrupt? Great! Actually, the man will be revealed to be an incubus, who has the power to make people have sex with him. And the maid will be left pretty messed up - I'm playing this as a rape.

Just because the readers know something doesn't mean the characters have to find out at the same time.

edited 15th Oct '10 4:28:44 PM by Leradny

 11 Mac Fall, Fri, 15th Oct '10 9:05:07 PM from Western PA
Agorist
Just because the readers know something doesn't mean the characters have to find out at the same time.

On the other hand, not letting the audience know can be quite unsettling if it's played right. But in either case this needs some work.
No king but Christ; no law but liberty!
Also known as Katz
The abruptness as a sign of mind control works, but the last two sentences are way too abrupt. Give it some vibrancy with senses and emotions. (I'm not going to be much help because I've never written a proper sex scene in my life.)

The problem is how quickly her thought process seems to move along.

Yes, the scene you're writing doesn't call for Purple Prose detailing her every whimsy in a situation that's supposed to be routine aside from her unexpected encounter. What is the matter here is the amount of time it takes her to go from what the audience presumes to be "Ugh, this creeper's coming on to me, " to "Well shit, I guess banging him wouldn't be too bad."

From the (average) reader's perspective, if she was a slut, she'd have contemplated this individual's bangin'ness as soon as she walked in the room. Throwing her change of heart in there so quickly causes many of the people who will be reading to assume the author is going for a more innocent type in hopes that it will appeal more to people who don't like sluts; they then assume that a lazy writer is attempting to broaden the maid's appeal, while hypocritically tossing her into bed on top of that.

It's not your fault, but you have to keep in mind that when situations like sex are involved, many people are more likely to make judgments of character. Either more prominently establish the maid beforehand as someone who's good at brushing men off - making the audience more likely to think that something really is up here instead of assuming it's part of her character to fall for any old hunk who comes on to her a bit - or accentuate how strangely dissonant she feels about the situation to get the point across.

It's not so much that the scene doesn't do a good job of illustrating itself, but that people in general are going to be prone to misunderstanding what's being given to them, which might lead to problems later on.

edited 16th Oct '10 5:46:31 AM by Toodle

 
 14 Jumpingzombie, Sat, 16th Oct '10 9:30:27 AM from a hill in Washington
Queen of Hyperbole
Somewhat off topic, but, if he's an incubus, maybe make his actions seem a little more calculating. Maybe she vaguely remembers catching him catching her eye. If I'm not mistaken, don't people usually put those maid signs on the door? Well, maybe he put his up and she enters finding it a little awkward with him in there. Make it seem like he's got some method he's putting to use on her to lure her in.

While she's cleaning, that would be the perfect time to really delve into her thoughts. She hates it when people hit on her, so maybe she herself has various tactics of getting them to leave her alone. (The boyfriend excuse is only one of many she has in her arsenal.) Focusing in more detail on what she's thinking and feeling while in his room is important on showing the weird change. Maybe she feels dizzy or when she enters his room she won't be able to get away.
"JZ doesn't like romance flicks. She likes bloodthirsty carnage." - Imipolex G
 15 doorhandle, Sat, 16th Oct '10 7:20:31 PM from Space Australia!
Yeah. Proably need more depition of the maid's thoughts, and her gradually getting more hot and bothered.

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Total posts: 15
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