Jokes with realistic punchlines

A blonde and a brunette jump off a building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Gravity is not affected by hair pigmentation.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all watching National Geographic. Which one is the smartest?

The blonde because she has a Ph.D in cultural anthropology.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Because he was weird.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because chickens are really fucking stupid.

What's red haired and very fast?

A ginger jet fighter pilot.

Why are we not supposed to laugh at rape jokes?

Because there's just nothing funny about Brassicaceae.

What's black, white, and red all over?

A mutilated penguin.

How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What's the best way to get out of a parking ticket?

Sincerely apologizing.

edited 4th Sep '13 3:03:55 PM by Prometheus136

There once was a man from Nantucket.

He owned a sailboat.

I haven't seen him in years.

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.

The Pope walks into a bar. He walks off with a black eye.

Why did the girl throw the clock out the window?

Because she was having a violent break with reality.

Where did Hitler keep his armies?

The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was escaping from the fox chasing it down.

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

Well... You don't, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

What do you call a Frenchman without a prostitute?

A faithful husband.

There once was a man from Nantucket
He moved to Plymouth.

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar.

Since they lived in a relatively secular area they were unaware of, and uninterested in, each other's faiths and went about their business without as much as a second look.

What do you call a deer with no eye?

You shouldn't call it anything. You should probably send it to a wildlife hospital or something, it might be in pain.

edited 4th Sep '13 6:59:22 PM by NerdBird

How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?

Get him to read Gödel, Escher, Bach to learn about recursive algorithms.

What's worse than a gay joke?

The low self-esteem that occurs as a result.

What do you get when you have low self-esteem?

Made fun of.

Why don't black people listen to country music?

Because country music fucking sucks.

What happens when you play a country song backwards?

Nothing much. It doesn't get any easier to listen to, and it isn't a genre that does much with backmasking.