@Ars, #3: Try describing what the men actually see- i.e. what features does she possess that are compelling the men to look? To do this, just describe a sexy woman.
Thank you very much for the feedback! It's very much appreciated. ^_^
If I may respond, I think that it did occur to me, but that the problem lay with her being that
attractive to so many men, as I read it: what one person agrees to be incredibly attractive another might find at best "okay" or less. It has subsequently occurred to me that I could have described her as having some degree of glamour effect (in the magic sense), however...
(When thinking of it as "the creature itself is inexplicable", I wasn't sure if that mean its anatomy wasn't supposed to exist, or it was some kind of incomprehensible being. "Inexplicable" is just one word that can be interpreted in many ways. It's not that specific.)
A good point, admittedly — I should perhaps have chosen a better word. But then again, if I'd "shown" that would probably be a lesser problem, which again reinforces the "show, don't tell" concept, I think.
Next: The army knew that they were doomed.
The platoons deployed on shaking feet, silent save for the crisp, too-tense orders of their officers. Assault rifles rattled slightly as they waited for their foe, the advancing wave. Every man knew that bullets penetrated these creatures, stopped by sheer force of momentum, but did not kill. Their grenades and rockets would work, and each man had as many grenades as he could reasonably carry, and every rocket launcher in the base's inventory had been brought out to the field. But still they had only so many explosives, and the enemy were so very many.
But they had not come to win, to survive. Behind them the town teemed with panicking activity as civilians fled. For this army, on this day, "success" meant simply holding for long enough...
Next: He descended into madness.
edited 13th Apr '13 8:40:45 AM by ArsThaumaturgis