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Total posts: [106]
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"Show" a sentence that the above poster "tells":

Write a simple sentence that the below poster has to write by showing, not telling. If you want to help, you could critique or state your opinion on someone's "showing".

Example: "The day was sunny"

turns into

"It was midday and the warm sun streaks shone brightly".

I know, it's not a perfect example, but it's something.

Next poster shall start with this:

"The commercials were annoying."

edited 13th Apr '13 11:39:53 AM by Nitro836

 2 De Marquis, Fri, 12th Apr '13 2:47:06 PM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
He leaned forward across the table to make his point.

"Gieko! 5 minutes can save you 15% or more on car insurance!"

"Will someone please turn down that television!!"

Next: Men found her to be very attractive.

edited 12th Apr '13 2:47:57 PM by DeMarquis

“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
 3 Ars Thaumaturgis, Fri, 12th Apr '13 3:20:38 PM Relationship Status: I've been dreaming of True Love's Kiss
The men past whom she walked — all but very few — paused at whatever they were doing to watch her pass by. Not a few eyes forgot to lower again until she was out of sight.

Next: The creature was inexplicable.

 4 Tuckerscreator, Fri, 12th Apr '13 3:48:25 PM from The Death Star Relationship Status: Drift compatible
Every film should end with a Deus T. rex Machina
But Organism ZX had been born, and Dr. Gacus couldn't understand how. Hadn't the sample been contaminated? Hadn't the growth chambers had their temperature regulators sabotaged? His rival never would have left this lab without making sure Gacus had no hope of repairing any of it. Yet here was ZX, alive and crooning before him.

Next: Roger claims to rely on no one, but actually does.
I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with a tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock.
 5 Ars Thaumaturgis, Fri, 12th Apr '13 4:34:26 PM Relationship Status: I've been dreaming of True Love's Kiss
(A quick side-note: The above perhaps illustrates one pitfall of telling instead of showing. Telling relies perhaps more heavily on interpretation, while showing demonstrates, and thus — well-done — may leave less ambiguous. In the above case I intended that the creature itself was inexplicable, but it seems to have been interpreted to mean that it was inexplicable that the creature had come into being.)

 6 Morwen Edhelwen, Fri, 12th Apr '13 4:58:14 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
First off: great thread!

"What do you mean, you don't need me?" Mary yelled. "What about that time you were stuck halfway up that shelf?"

"Oh, yeah. "

The room was stuffed with boxes.

edited 12th Apr '13 5:00:16 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
 7 Tuckerscreator, Fri, 12th Apr '13 5:03:45 PM from The Death Star Relationship Status: Drift compatible
Every film should end with a Deus T. rex Machina
[up][up](When thinking of it as "the creature itself is inexplicable", I wasn't sure if that mean its anatomy wasn't supposed to exist, or it was some kind of incomprehensible being. "Inexplicable" is just one word that can be interpreted in many ways. It's not that specific.)

edited 12th Apr '13 5:04:02 PM by Tuckerscreator

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with a tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock.
The three of us tried to squeeze our way into our new apartment. Thes proved nearly impossible without resorting to contortions reminiscent of advanced yoga. The tiny studio apartment was stacked haphazardly with the boxed contence of our three former homes.

The cat was fat.

 9 chihuahua 0, Fri, 12th Apr '13 5:31:26 PM from Standoff, USA Relationship Status: I'm in love with my car
Writer's Welcome Wagon
The tabby's belly flopped and brushed against the concrete, weighing its walk to a sluggish lumber.

He jumped off the building and landed in the river.

 10 Tuckerscreator, Fri, 12th Apr '13 5:39:08 PM from The Death Star Relationship Status: Drift compatible
Every film should end with a Deus T. rex Machina
I will show this through a video!

(Okay, enough loopholing.) Another hour of trying to squeeze through the kitty door, thought Mr. Fluffy. If only my owners had left the door open like they usually do. Which would be easier, they leaving it open, or me giving up my fishy treats for another week? Ten minutes passed, and he still hadn't made much progress. Next time I just break the window, he thought.

Next: David acts as though he's in a movie. Everyone else acts normal and is confused by him.

(Oh dear, I got ninja'd. You can do his instead if you prefer.)

edited 12th Apr '13 5:40:40 PM by Tuckerscreator

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with a tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock.
"Ha-Hah! Have no fear, gentle citizens of the living room! I, David Brown, have come here to save the day from this pall of boredom!"

The silence in the room that followed this little outburst was only broken by Anna clearing her throat, whilst raising a finger.

"Yes, I have been watching too many tokastu movies, why do you ask?"

Next:

There was a dark, but not threatening, presence over the altar.
I'm as normal as anyone can be. Which is to say, not bothering myself with an impossible standard.
 12 Tuckerscreator, Fri, 12th Apr '13 6:23:34 PM from The Death Star Relationship Status: Drift compatible
Every film should end with a Deus T. rex Machina
(I, David Brown, have come here to save the day from this pall of boredom!

XD. I'm getting Captain Infinity flashbacks.)

edited 12th Apr '13 6:24:11 PM by Tuckerscreator

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with a tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock.
 13 De Marquis, Fri, 12th Apr '13 7:48:53 PM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
Should we critique each other? Or are we just having fun?
“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
 14 Morwen Edhelwen, Fri, 12th Apr '13 8:38:43 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@De Marquis: I think critique could help a bit. But fun is OK too.
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
 15 Tuckerscreator, Fri, 12th Apr '13 8:48:39 PM from The Death Star Relationship Status: Drift compatible
Every film should end with a Deus T. rex Machina
(Darn, this premise is tough. It's really hard to have both "dark presence" and "nonthreatening presence" without emphasizing one over the other. Nevertheless, here's my attempt.)

Polly was laid down on the altar. As the priests backed away, her limbs began to feel heavy, as though something were pressing on them. The weight began to cover her whole body, like an enormous blanket. She could feel it wrapping over and under her, inspecting her closely, even curiously. As it did so, Polly's vision began to fade. The light in the temple was replaced in her eyes by darkness, but Polly didn't mind. This was almost like falling asleep. Her thoughts began to slow, save for one thought that was not her own. "I'm glad to meet you", it told her. Polly smiled back. "Take me to your world."

Next: This person is poor.

edited 12th Apr '13 8:48:50 PM by Tuckerscreator

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with a tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock.
Getting things done
Martin collapsed in the filthy and broken piece of mattress he picked up from the street. Water leaked through the ceiling of his suffocatingly small room and he grabbed his last bucket under the leaking spot. A heavy sigh excaped from his dry lips as he pondered on when he would be able to have a decent meal.

The character is exhausted.

edited 12th Apr '13 9:10:42 PM by dRoy

Stay awesome, people.
 17 De Marquis, Fri, 12th Apr '13 9:21:06 PM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
OK, well, if anyone doesn't want to become involved with critique, then just skip this, it wont affect your enjoyment of the thread in any way.

@Ars, #3: Try describing what the men actually see- i.e. what features does she possess that are compelling the men to look? To do this, just describe a sexy woman.

@Tuckers, #4: Yeah, Ars Thauma threw you a tough one. An abstract concept like "incomprehensible" is inherently difficult to show. That said, try describing the emotional reaction of Dr. Gacus- what is he doing that expresses his lack of comprehension? Is his jaw hanging open, is he babbling questions to himself, are his eyes melting? Give the readers some visual cues to his emotional state.

@Morwen, #6: Excellent. Go girl!

@History, #8: Good try, but include some description of what happened when they tried to squeeze past the boxes. Did they knock one over? Did something break?

@Chihuahua, #9: Excellent, although I think you meant "slowing" rather than "weighing".

@Tuckers, #10- Excellent. I like the internal dialogue.

@Liel, #11: Hmm. Tuckers threw you a tough one, because "acts like he is in a movie" is actually a very complicated set of behaviors. You probably did as well as anyone could with what you were given. It might have been better to use a less obscure movie reference though (I've never heard of "tokastu movies") because that would allow the readers to know what your character was doing without having him actually say it out loud.

@Tuckers, #15: Awesome. You obviously don't need any help from me.

Helpful, not helpful? Should I stop, continue?

edited 12th Apr '13 9:21:32 PM by DeMarquis

“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
[up] Misspelling of "Tokusatsu". It's basically a cheap Japanese action movie like Godzilla or Super Sentai.
I'm as normal as anyone can be. Which is to say, not bothering myself with an impossible standard.
 19 Tuckerscreator, Fri, 12th Apr '13 9:28:47 PM from The Death Star Relationship Status: Drift compatible
Every film should end with a Deus T. rex Machina
Having critique is awesome. It's good to have some because our snippets might avert telling just the specific subject, but not avoid it for other details. Thanks for the advice.

As for "acts like he's in a movie", I had been thinking something like Don Quixote. I wasn't expecting Japanese film, but Liliel did good since I understood what the situation was pretty quickly.

edited 12th Apr '13 9:37:30 PM by Tuckerscreator

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with a tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock.
 20 De Marquis, Fri, 12th Apr '13 10:06:45 PM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
She was walking, still walking. Not looking, not talking to any passerby, but seemingly entirely focused on putting one of her feet in front of the other, again and again, eyes empty and jaw slack. At first people moved aside, then watched her progress from behind. They saw her slump clumsily to the ground.

Next: Someone is utterly evil.

edited 12th Apr '13 10:07:19 PM by DeMarquis

“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
 21 Eagal, Fri, 12th Apr '13 11:31:39 PM from This is a location. Relationship Status: Waiting for Prince Charming
This is a title.
For reference, I didn't write this. It's actually from an online comic, but it was too good to pass up. ^^ Also, it's a bit different from the presented sentence, because it's in conversation rather than presented as a description, but I feel it still fits pretty well. ^^

Someone is utterly evil.

"You're a malevolent one. Your words and energy are venomous like the bite of a cobra."

"Your lifeforce is the nastiest, darkest mess I've ever seen. Kind hearted people like Luk are just easy prey for you."

Now for a telling sentence:

She is attractive.

edited 12th Apr '13 11:32:27 PM by Eagal

The madness is catching.
He watched her across the bar as she tossed back her hair in a cinematic flip, you know the kind. The kind that serves no purpose other than to draw attention to her flying golden curls, elegant neck and full red lips, soft and lightly lined with lip pencil. Her eyes were a soft green, an she squinted ever so slightly as she offered her date a showy, camera worthy smile. She tittered as he told her a joke, measured so that it wasn't too high or too loud. She retrieved her handbag from her lap with an unblemished, manicured hand and crossed and uncrossed her long legs. She cut a fine figure, her dress shiny and tight in a way that was neither modest nor revealing, extenuating her pinched waist and curving hips, just the right size to wrap ones hands around. Yes, he thought, she was a very attractive lady, and no doubt her date thought so too, but he doubted she'd be the kind you'd bring home to mother in any sort of hurry.

Hey, sorry if this wasn't quite what you thought of, but when I think of the word attractive, I usually think of an unattached, sexualized viewpoint. Couldn't really shake it to anything more general.

Next: The army knew that they were doomed.

 23 Ars Thaumaturgis, Sat, 13th Apr '13 8:39:10 AM Relationship Status: I've been dreaming of True Love's Kiss
@Ars, #3: Try describing what the men actually see- i.e. what features does she possess that are compelling the men to look? To do this, just describe a sexy woman.
Thank you very much for the feedback! It's very much appreciated. ^_^

If I may respond, I think that it did occur to me, but that the problem lay with her being that attractive to so many men, as I read it: what one person agrees to be incredibly attractive another might find at best "okay" or less. It has subsequently occurred to me that I could have described her as having some degree of glamour effect (in the magic sense), however...

(When thinking of it as "the creature itself is inexplicable", I wasn't sure if that mean its anatomy wasn't supposed to exist, or it was some kind of incomprehensible being. "Inexplicable" is just one word that can be interpreted in many ways. It's not that specific.)
A good point, admittedly — I should perhaps have chosen a better word. But then again, if I'd "shown" that would probably be a lesser problem, which again reinforces the "show, don't tell" concept, I think.

Next: The army knew that they were doomed.
The platoons deployed on shaking feet, silent save for the crisp, too-tense orders of their officers. Assault rifles rattled slightly as they waited for their foe, the advancing wave. Every man knew that bullets penetrated these creatures, stopped by sheer force of momentum, but did not kill. Their grenades and rockets would work, and each man had as many grenades as he could reasonably carry, and every rocket launcher in the base's inventory had been brought out to the field. But still they had only so many explosives, and the enemy were so very many.

But they had not come to win, to survive. Behind them the town teemed with panicking activity as civilians fled. For this army, on this day, "success" meant simply holding for long enough...

Next: He descended into madness.

edited 13th Apr '13 8:40:45 AM by ArsThaumaturgis

@De Marquis Excellent suggestion, gonna add that to the OP.

"His hands shook, his eyesight rippling as his legs failed him and collapsed him, inciting him into clutching his head, bending his knees inward, twitching violently on the ground in a vain attempt to exorcise the vile thoughts oppressing his skull."

Next: He had to meet her at the graveyard by midnight.

edited 13th Apr '13 11:38:02 AM by Nitro836

 25 Tuckerscreator, Sat, 13th Apr '13 12:37:43 PM from The Death Star Relationship Status: Drift compatible
Every film should end with a Deus T. rex Machina
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!, thought Bill, as he ran through the dark streets. He checked his watch for the twentieth time. 11:58 already? I sure hope my watch is early... He kept on running and peered ahead, struggling to see any sign of a tombstone or cross. Lisa must be crazy to tell me to meet her here, he thought. Among the dead seems a rather unromantic place.

Next: Jake has been assigned to work with a mentally disabled classmate. He hates him because he himself was once diagnosed with mild autism, and hates being reminded of his "weakness".

edited 13th Apr '13 12:37:52 PM by Tuckerscreator

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with a tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock.
Total posts: 106
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