TV Tropes Org

Forums

search forum titles
google site search
Total posts: [52]  1
2
3

Writing Men/Women Critique Thread:

Yeah I figure that, it's gonna be a crazy long fic when it's done. But even if one just person gives me a little feedback I'd be happy. Just skim over it and give me your impression, though there is sexually explicit content of the m/m persuasion, so if you are under 18 you should not read, and if that content is unappealing but still legal fir you to view then just refrain from reading chapters 1 and 5 and you should be fine. I have it up on AFF and Ao3 both have anonymous comments enabled so if you want to comment off site you can do that too. Like I said, you can feel free to skim for the purposes of this thread, though I'd appreciate if you could go easy on chapter 1 if you should read it, it's nearly two years old now and it's rather bad in contrast to the rest of the fic. Once I have the rest of the story done I'm going to go back and rewrite it.

I've got a short one. It's for a teenaged girl, first person POV:

"I've never exactly been the most religious of people. Hell, I think this might actually be my first time inside a church. So, scratch that cherry. Jokes aside..."

My question is... might that be a tad too provocative for a 16 year old girl to think that internally without some character justification? For context, it's been implied that she's no virgin and she's fairly self confident, though she's not exactly sexually aggressive or promiscuous either. That said, the very second sentence from her in chapter one is a crack at herself, comparing her current bad decision to the time she contracted an STI.

It just feels right for her to crack a joke at that point and that's the first that popped in my head.
 
 28 Oh So Into Cats, Fri, 5th Apr '13 6:18:53 PM from The Sand Wastes Relationship Status: They can't hide forever. We've got satellites.
Just a nice nerd who likes to read and knit
> 16 year old girl

> Not sexually promiscuous but not a virgin

> contracted STI

I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time putting this all together. Where does this take place?

edited 5th Apr '13 6:19:03 PM by ohsointocats

"Beware of the wolves. They were raised by wolves."

Eidolonomics: ~50.7k/100,000 words
 29 tsstevens, Fri, 5th Apr '13 6:40:21 PM from Internet, Tasmania Relationship Status: She's holding a very large knife
Researcher
Most of the characters I write are female or are centered on a female. I just write them as a character rather than their gender. I'll post a bit centering on the main character in my story to show you how I'm writing it, when finished the idea is to get it published.

The house that Jessie shared with Dave typical of older homes around Victoria and Australia, a faded picket fence with letter box attached, a garage that looked like it was built in the first World War with an old Ford parked outside, even a verandah. As she stepped through the door, Jessie reached back behind her head, freeing the twin braids she had held in place during work and letting them drop past her shoulders.

“How was work?”

“Had someone come in about a workplace issue, they apparently decided he wasn’t fit to be employed anymore.” She turned, giving the speaker a strange look.

“What happened?” Dave Taylor asked, a university student Jessie lived with, someone who she felt somewhat uncomfortable sharing the night’s events with.

“Something unusual, ” she finally admitted at his questioning face. Jessie kind of hoped he hadn’t hear about it on the news or something. “We found a guy…except he wasn’t really a guy.”

“A transsexual?” It was a blunt question to ask, he knew before catching himself. “That was disrespectful, I know. Sorry, transgender. So?” Jessie apparently found his lack of reaction surprising. “What about him? I don’t think that’s a crime anymore.” At that Jessie somehow felt offended.

“He was beaten and shot, ” she explained, trying not to look upset over the incident. For his part Dave bit his lip, before heading for the kitchen.

“Jeez, the murder was bad enough but why was the victim singled out?” he wondered out loud.

“Gary, Robert and the Special Operation Group will be out there looking for clues.”

“They’d probably be at it all night, ” Dave called out, watching dinner in the microwave with a sour look on his face, before a thought occurred. “Wouldn’t whoever picked her up have known?”

“I’m guessing he probably didn’t. ” Pinching the bridge of her nose, not wanting to discuss it, Jessie said, “I was telling Peter about what you were working on.”

“Turns out it’s unrealistic, ” Dave told her. “The logic is there but someone with the AIDS virus would have to take too much medication for it to be feasible.” As the microwave went off he was glad to be a decent cook, decent enough so Jessie would eat. Her idea of a feed was a salad roll, or a smoothie. “This murder, ” he said, pulling out the casserole that was heated up for them. “That’d go on to homicide, wouldn’t it?”

“I’m sure Gary would have notified them. They’d have to get from Melbourne, most likely.” As he dished up she added, “There were some kids about again.” It wasn’t the first time Jessie had seen youths out and about at night.

“Same ones you think?” Instead of heading over to the table Jessie flopped down on the couch.

“Hadn’t seen them in a while.”

“Could be they’re just getting away from home, ” Dave suggested. There were a few other possibilities both of them knew but since they couldn’t see anything there was no need bringing it up.

“Yeah, alcoholics, ” Jessie agreed with a mixture of shame and anger.

You’re a cop, Dave thought, not for the first time, not a social worker. When Jessie started acting like this even though the shared the house and Dave thought they saw each other as friends it bothered him when she let the job get to her. Dave thought she has the impression that he would like to be more than friends. Her body language, along with some of her choices of fashion was evidence of that.

“I know. I just wish there was something I could have done.” Dave didn’t say anything, how could he? Instead watching Jessie as the soft light bounced off her dark skin. Before the police force Jessie had lived on a farm near Swan Hill and was looking at being a cheerleader for division 1 football, after her peers suggested the fact she was aboriginal would be of benefit. The idea sounded fun, but Jessie wanted more out of life than that and thought a career in law enforcement. When she’d brought it up the idea was surprising: Indigenous police officers were more common in the Northern Territory and South Australia than Victoria, and seeing her native heritage as a barrier Jessie trained herself physically and mentally for the job she wanted, in the hopes that whatever obstacles she faced she could overcome. The training did help immensely at the academy. So did her compassionate nature. So did the fact that she was as Australian as anybody on the force, always attending the Anzac Day dawn service out of tradition and celebrating Christmas with shrimp on the Barbie and Pavlovas of humongous size, a trait from her black mother and white father from where he served in Phue Duc, Vietnam.

“You’ll go mad thinking that way, ” he offered finally, being the practical type, or trying to. “There’s a lot I wish for as well, but I can only do so much.” Sitting with Jessie Dave realized that what he was saying wasn’t optimistic, even harsh, yet when it comes down to it sometimes one had to face reality.

“I just wish there was something I could do.” Dave thought she knew that he was right, well it seemed a valid point, but it didn’t change the fact she felt an obligation to help. It must have been a very stressful evening, considering the homicide.

“Well, there is something you can do.” Jessie looked at him expectantly. “Have dinner, ” he prompted. “You can’t solve this murder case on an empty stomach.” Standing up Dave offered his hand. “Come on.”

edited 6th Apr '13 2:52:56 AM by tsstevens

The mark of a good story means not feeling like The Angry Video Game Nerd hearing it.
 30 De Marquis, Fri, 5th Apr '13 6:48:01 PM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
Your supposed to critique the earlier post before posting your own to be critiqued. Just sayin'

@Locked: "I have concerns that my male lead may be feminized to the point where his believability is threatened but I can't pin down a part that particularly exemplifies this."

I havnt read the whole thing, just the scene where he wakes up in the bedroom, but I cant see that your character is over-feminized. He appears to be quite sensitive to other people, and invests a lot of time considering his insights into other people, which may be regarded by some as traditional female character traits, but he is well within believability.

Frankly, I'm not sure how you could feminize a male character beyond the point of believability, since in real life men can express personality traits that run the entire spectrum from highly macho to extremely feminine. A more important question, perhaps, is whether or not you have written a well rounded, believable human being, and I think that you have.

No worries, so far as I can see.
“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
 31 nrjxll, Fri, 5th Apr '13 6:55:30 PM Relationship Status: Not war
Frankly, I'm not sure how you could feminize a male character beyond the point of believability, since in real life men can express personality traits that run the entire spectrum from highly macho to extremely feminine. A more important question, perhaps, is whether or not you have written a well rounded, believable human being, and I think that you have.

This, again, leaves me questioning the idea behind this thread.

 32 Oh So Into Cats, Fri, 5th Apr '13 6:57:30 PM from The Sand Wastes Relationship Status: They can't hide forever. We've got satellites.
Just a nice nerd who likes to read and knit
The thing is that men can have "feminine" or "masculine" traits blah blah blah, but if they tip over to the feminine side too far they may get some crap for it.

It's not really so much about the character but how the world reacts to the character, I think.
"Beware of the wolves. They were raised by wolves."

Eidolonomics: ~50.7k/100,000 words
 33 tsstevens, Fri, 5th Apr '13 7:23:37 PM from Internet, Tasmania Relationship Status: She's holding a very large knife
Researcher
Your supposed to critique the earlier post before posting your own to be critiqued. Just sayin'

Ah whoops, whoops, my mistake. Just thought a little input would be of help. Let's see here...

''> 16 year old girl > Not sexually promiscuous but not a virgin > contracted STI''

Good, good, got any writing of this character?

"I've never exactly been the most religious of people. Hell, I think this might actually be my first time inside a church. So, scratch that cherry. Jokes aside..."

Why do I imagine Eliza Dushku playing that role?

On that I don't think there are really established gender roles or stereotypes anymore. If we look at 24 there's a famous scene in season one that happens to Teri. Television Without Pity caught up with Leslie Hope and they talked about the show at length and she brings this up. For those interested it might be worth a look.

http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/24/the-leslie-hope-interview.php

Who Am I? OK, here goes. This is from very early in the story I am writing. A young man has been kidnapped, is being transported in a van, and is being rescued by one of my two female protagonists...

The Action Girl is very much becoming a staple these days, and that's very much a good thing. This demonstrates how in writing there is very much a breakdown in gender roles between men and women. Tomb Raider could have easily worked were it Indiana Jones for example, in fact I believe when it first began it was a male protagonist. One thing that can get lost when writing a female character is the loss of identity of whether they are a man or a woman. To me this can go either way, either the sex of the character can become irrelevant or we are seeing basically a man with breasts. Ideally we want the former if we are to ignore the fact the character is a woman.

On writing critique, I think you do better than I do in terms of description. That's something I have trouble with, describing characters, settings, I'm more of a dialogue writer. I would be interested in reading the story from the beginning, especially if it's like the passage you posted that will grab the reader from the very first page. To me that is key, get the reader, or the viewer, or the gamer, wanting to keep reading or watching or playing from the first seconds. NB A2k 11 did this well with it opening with Jordan and the 91 Finals. Buffy the Vampire Slayer began quite interestingly. There's a video on Mega Man X that shows just how good the game grabs you from the first seconds, I'll post the link with a warning that the language gets rough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FpigqfcvlM
The mark of a good story means not feeling like The Angry Video Game Nerd hearing it.
Thanks! The feedback is very reassuring, I was worried I was projecting too much.

I feel I should clarify though, when I meant "beyond belief" I wasn't trying to say that all men are macho men and have no "feminine" traits what so ever. I was concerned that my way of thinking had bled into him so much that he became a construct of a man created by a woman. I've read a lot of fics by girls who are starting out (a category I feel I still belong to) where you read it and you know that a girl wrote it, and it feels like the men aren't actual men but rather a woman's construct of how a man should be. They often come off as flaky and can act like they've yet to escape puberty. That is what I was afraid of, and i didn't mean to insult anyone who values their more feminine sides wink

edited 5th Apr '13 7:34:56 PM by Lockedbox

@Cats: Sorry that I wasn't clear. It's basically set in modern day Britain. As for the STI joke, it basically boils down to her having once gone out with a guy who clearly is the type to be promiscuous. The reason I don't classify her as 'promiscuous' is because she neither has rampant sexcapades nor is she the type to be unfaithful. Basically, she has a normal sex life along the lines of your typical teen.

edited 6th Apr '13 12:33:44 AM by peasant

 
 36 Oh So Into Cats, Sat, 6th Apr '13 1:46:49 AM from The Sand Wastes Relationship Status: They can't hide forever. We've got satellites.
Just a nice nerd who likes to read and knit
When do people start having sex in Britain? I mean I know in Iceland it can be ridiculously young but in the US I think usually the youngest people start having sex without it being abuse is like 15-16.

I mean I guess you can get ST Is within the first couple times you have sex but my first thought was how does she even have the time to have enough partners to get one if she first had sex up to a year ago, if it's not common. Like she must get up very early.

edited 6th Apr '13 1:47:13 AM by ohsointocats

"Beware of the wolves. They were raised by wolves."

Eidolonomics: ~50.7k/100,000 words
 37 Morwen Edhelwen, Sat, 6th Apr '13 2:01:00 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
Can I ask why people have difficulties writing the opposite sex? I'd be willing to provide a female perspective; just wondering.

edited 6th Apr '13 2:01:19 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
For the exact reason it says on the tin. They're the opposite sex. Be it by nature or nurture, women and men think and act differently from each other, they have different desires, different ways of communicating, different expectations of life. If you don't know what your doing you can end up putting a woman in a mans skin, or vice versa. Audiences know when a character isn't quite right and that can turn you off the story. I can't say I'll ever totally understand the male mindset, heck I understand women even less and I am one, but when I try to write a male character I want him to be real, not just some watered down version of a person I know or some repressed part of my imagination. It's the same with women. You have to learn to write in a different way, let your characters develop an identity that is distinct right down to the simplest thought processes, otherwise you'll end up writing a copy of yourself. I know because I've made so many of those characters before I figured out what I was doing wrong, and it felt like I'd wasted so much time creating the same character over and over again. I'm not perfect yet, creating characters each with a distinctive perspective is not something you learn overnight, but I think I'm getting better at it.

 39 Morwen Edhelwen, Sat, 6th Apr '13 2:48:11 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
[up] Ok, thanks for the clarification. Yeah, I know where you're coming from with "not-understanding-women-even-though-you-are-one" part. I feel like that too.

edited 6th Apr '13 4:42:27 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
@Cats: The age of consent in the UK is uniformly 16. And while the exact figures are hard to determine, the percentage of girls who have had sex under the age of 16 appears to be in the range of 27 to 40%. And these figures are likely to be an underestimation since they're based on self reports and due to the taboo nature of, well... having underage sex.

Basically, the take home message is that it's not uncommon. Nor is it particularly socially shocking for teens to be sexually active with their significant other (well no more than the usual finger wagging by Moral Guardians). And if that significant other happens to be a guy who goes by the nickname "Rod the Bod", odds are you might just catch something.

But I digress. My original question was whether it would be unusual for a teenaged girl to make virginity jokes (or more specifically, about ticking off of different "cherries").

edited 6th Apr '13 4:24:17 AM by peasant

 
 41 De Marquis, Sat, 6th Apr '13 7:55:21 AM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
@Me: "Frankly, I'm not sure how you could feminize a male character beyond the point of believability"

@nrjxll: "This, again, leaves me questioning the idea behind this thread."

@Oh So: "It's not really so much about the character but how the world reacts to the character, I think."

@tsstevens: "This demonstrates how in writing there is very much a breakdown in gender roles between men and women. Tomb Raider could have easily worked were it Indiana Jones for example, in fact I believe when it first began it was a male protagonist. One thing that can get lost when writing a female character is the loss of identity of whether they are a man or a woman. To me this can go either way, either the sex of the character can become irrelevant or we are seeing basically a man with breasts. Ideally we want the former if we are to ignore the fact the character is a woman."

@Locked box: "I feel I should clarify though, when I meant "beyond belief" I wasn't trying to say that all men are macho men and have no "feminine" traits what so ever. I was concerned that my way of thinking had bled into him so much that he became a construct of a man created by a woman. I've read a lot of fics by girls who are starting out (a category I feel I still belong to) where you read it and you know that a girl wrote it, and it feels like the men aren't actual men but rather a woman's construct of how a man should be."

and "...when I try to write a male character I want him to be real, not just some watered down version of a person I know or some repressed part of my imagination."

This is a lot to think about. I suspect that this issue can never be entirely settled to the satisfaction of everyone. Partly, of course, it depends on what the expectations of the audience regarding gender differences are. A reader who grew up in an environment in which traditional gender roles were the norm wont find an androgynous character to be quite believable. Yet at the same time, I also think that there is a level of experience in life that one gets, where the subtle differences between men and women, not the ones specified by traditional gender roles, but the real differences that only begin to appear once one gets really "under the skin" of a person, the kind of thing that cant really be described in words, but which come out in terms of the complex emotional ways in which someone relates to themselves and to other people. The terms "masculine" and "feminine" almost entirely fail to capture these true differences.

Part of this is the quality of the writing. I dont wish to offend anybody, but the fact is that Lara Croft (in both game and movie versions) is rather infamous for being a character with male behavior traits and a hot girl body, in other words for being a rather obvious male projection of what a women might be like, without demonstrating much understanding of what women are really like. Hence, "a guy with breasts".

I didnt see 24, so wasnt able to follow a lot of that interview ts linked us to, but I was impressed by this exchange:

Interviewer: "You keep expecting your character to be the typical action series wife — a simpering victim who knows how to use a gun — but Teri keeps surprising us with both her strength and her vulnerability."

Actress: "The female characters on this show are unusually complex. I've played the simpering wife before, believe me. And I've played the bad-ass parts where I literally turn myself invisible and shoot people with lasers. So it was so great to finally play a female character that made sense to me."

That pretty much encapsulates it right there. I think female characters, even when they are strong, remain emotionally vulnerable in ways that male characters are not (this applies to fiction, not real life). Conversely, even when they are strong, male characters remain emotionally vulnerable in ways that females are not. If written poorly, this type of characterization can descend into stereotyping, but if written well, it adds a level of nuance that readers can relate to.

In Lockedbox's story, her male character wakes up in a strange room with a bed-mate he does not recognize. His response, more or less, is to try to figure out how to deal with this situation on his own, and he esp. does not want to wake up the other person and have to deal with that. I suspect that a female character would typically react differently, either waking the person to find out who they are, or find someone who could tell her what is happening. Had this scene been poorly written, it could have come across as "self-centered guy screws someone and then wants to bail", but that isn't what happens, and the character comes off as being more complicated than that.

As for ts's post, while I see some general writing style issues, they dont have much to do with gender. The woman is a cop and feels some degree of sympathy for victimized people, to the degree of wishing she could help them. The guy thinks that this is inappropriate, given that she is a cop and not a social worker. The male character thinks that the female one is attracted to him, but we see no evidence that this is true. Again, this sort of thing happens in real life all the time, and if it were poorly written might come across as stereotyping, but (speaking to ts here) if you go on to add more detail to these two characters, so that they aren't just a sensitive female cop and an insensitive sexually obsessed guy, but also possess other traits and characteristics which are important to them, then I see no problems here.

" I would be interested in reading the story from the beginning, especially if it's like the passage you posted that will grab the reader from the very first page."

I confess that I would very much like to receive permission to post some more excerpts of my story, but I also want to preserve enough space to discuss everyone's else's works, too. I have a sexier scene involving both of my female protagonists I would like some reaction to, but first let's talk about the other stories that are being posted.

This is a great topic overall, I want to thank the OP for starting it.

edited 6th Apr '13 7:56:44 AM by DeMarquis

“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
 42 Scorpio Rat, Sat, 6th Apr '13 12:38:06 PM from Houston, Texas Relationship Status: One Is The Loneliest Number
When horoscopes go wrong
I'm allowed to post soemthing new if the last person got critiqued, right?

Considering how many characters of the opposite gender I write about, I wanted to see if the men I write actually come off as realistic men. Note that this takes place in a Medieval/Victorian esque time period.
“Keep your shield up!”

“Don’t let him get under your guard!”

“He’s just a squire, you can take him!” The knights and squires deafened Drakon as they surrounded the courtyard’s training arena. It was not often that there was a spar between a squire and an actual knight. The opponent before him was fully armored, covered in dark gray plates of metal and chainmail. The knight’s helmet obscured all of his face except for his eyes and he had a lance in his hand along with the usual shield. Compared to Drakon’s practice sword, the knight’s weapon gave him a much larger reach and gave even more of an advantage to him. The two had been trading blows with each other for the past ten minutes with neither giving in, but Drakon was tiring. He was about a foot shorter and thirty pounds lighter than his opponent, making the knight seem more like an iron fortress than a person.

“Do you want to keep going, or do you give up?” The knight asked, his deep voice echoing in his helmet.

“Yeah, cut the boy a break, Sir Taurus! He’s half dead on his feet; one good charge is enough to finish him.” A man yelled from the crowd. The question was surprisingly hard for him to answer. His body screamed for him to stop, but Drakon’s whole purpose for becoming a knight had been to gain more confidence. What would his father say if he heard that his son had forfeited? His decision made, he nodded, repositioning his sword and bringing his shield up. The crowd’s jeering grew louder as Sir Taurus laughed, but not in a taunting manner.

“Then let us continue, ” he said, brandishing his lance again. Drakon let out a startling battle cry as his practice sword lashed out at his partner. Sir Taurus blocked it with his wooden shield and countered with a lance thrust. The attack was backhanded with the side of Drakon’s blade. The knight switched tactics and charged with his shield, catching the prince off guard and knocking him to the ground. There was a moment of stunned silence before the knights burst into cheers. The squires were much quieter, but still proud that one of their own had fought a knight. There was so much talking that Drakon could not pick individual voices out, but there was one person that he could hear.

“I could have guessed the outcome from the start, a soft child born of the noble ranks will never beat a true Sky Knight.” The offhanded comment stung, extinguishing the small amount of self respect he had gained in the match. Taurus had heard the comment as well. Glaring at the offending knight, he removed his helmet. Under it, his hair was cropped short and he shared his father’s, Captain Leo’s, dark skin, eyes, and hair color. His suit of armor made him look bulkier than normal, but his actual size was still large for a seventeen year old.

“Is there anything that you would like to say, Sir Aries?” He loomed over the shorter man. Aries snorted, but did not respond. The Knight Captain, seeing the disagreement, decided to interfere before a fight erupted.

“Alright, get out of here, all of you! Back to the castle, there’s nothing more to see here.” Captain Leo bellowed. He was named after the lion’s star sign as was the tradition of the Sky Knights, and he lived up to that name with his skills in battle… along with his voice. Whenever he was yelling, he yelled at what Drakon liked to think was the average volume of a Lion’s roar. Not that he’d ever say something like that to his face. Sir Leo was like an older, more intimidating Taurus, his face scarred and serious from the War. Taurus didn’t seem as overbearing as his father because he and Drakon had often played together as children. The crowd dispersed, voices dying down to a murmur. Taurus watched them leave, as if daring to hear another remark about his friend. Realizing that Drakon was still on the ground, the knight helped him up and playfully slapped his shoulder. The prince stumbled and almost fell down again.

“Hey, don’t feel bad. Usually I knock you down in about five minutes. This time you lasted ten. That’s progress!” Drakon was still unsatisfied with himself.

“Yes, but is it good enough?” He asked softly, his dark purple eyes focused on the ground. Taurus sighed, reminding himself of how fragile Drakon’s self confidence was.

“If this is about Sir Aries, don’t take what he says to heart. He is just bitter about the fact that the Sky Knights serve a new kingdom. He will get over it eventually. You know how older people get set in their ways.” With Taurus’s encouragement, Drakon’s mood improved considerably. He may have been caked with dirt, and he was pretty sure that under his armor were multiple bruises, but he was happy nonetheless. Training as a Squire was the highlight of his day, the time when nothing mattered except how well he could fight. In the courtyard, Drakon was treated like any other person would and he enjoyed it to the fullest. Whether he would become a good king or not no longer applied to him.
"Only women and cats are allowed inside my armor!"

 43 tsstevens, Sat, 6th Apr '13 2:03:41 PM from Internet, Tasmania Relationship Status: She's holding a very large knife
Researcher
I see. Dave comes across as a bit of a creep does he? Well it's very much a work in progress, if that's how he comes across then the section could do with a polish.

I'm not sure if 24 interests you but the interview might make a lot more sense if you know what happens in the first part of season one (spoilers of course.)

[[spoilers: Jack and Teri Bauer are trying to get back together for their daughter Kim's sake, but Kim is upset with her mother and sneaks out to a party, which turns out to be a trap. Jack, you see, is a counterterrorist, and terrorists are trying to use Kim to force Jack to kill a Presidential candidate. When Teri goes looking for Kim he comes across a man claiming to be the father of one of Kim's friends, then when she discovers he's not Teri attacks him and escapes, then finds where Kim is held hostage only to be captured herself. Soon after that one of the terrorists goes to rape Kim but Teri offers herself to save her daughter.]]
The mark of a good story means not feeling like The Angry Video Game Nerd hearing it.
 44 De Marquis, Sun, 7th Apr '13 5:00:43 AM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
Well, I was distracted by the fact that a knight on foot wouldn't use a lance like that. You might consider going over to You Tube and watching some "reenactment" videos. There are some people out there who have really researched how medieval weapons were used.

As for the characters, it was a little hard to tell, it being an action scene. Do you have one with a little more dialogue you could share? Other than that, I dont see any obvious problems.
“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
 45 Scorpio Rat, Sun, 7th Apr '13 8:30:45 AM from Houston, Texas Relationship Status: One Is The Loneliest Number
When horoscopes go wrong
I really do need to research knight tactics more, but I do have another scene that's more dialogue heavy, but Drakon doesn't speak that much in it(which is in character), so it wouldn't really help.
"Only women and cats are allowed inside my armor!"

 46 De Marquis, Mon, 8th Apr '13 6:55:29 AM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
It might. I would be interested in reading more, as it becomes available.
“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
 47 Scorpio Rat, Mon, 8th Apr '13 9:17:09 AM from Houston, Texas Relationship Status: One Is The Loneliest Number
When horoscopes go wrong
Alright then, here's another dialogue heavy section that involves two girls and two boys. This is the begining of a magic lesson if anyone wants some context.

“Good afternoon, Mister Luciano!” Tigris greeted. She was wearing a simple lavender dress. A silver circlet crown with the royal crest, an eclipse, indented into it rested on her head just over her bangs.

“Good morning, Signorina.” Luciano answered. He tended to talk to people using the titles of his first language. Paige followed in Tigris’s wake and gave the wizard an apologetic smile.

“Sorry about the lateness, Sir…And the door, of course.” She said as she gently closed it behind her. He waived his hand in a dismissive manner as he moved field journals and textbooks on magic off of a large wooden table. The wizard snapped his fingers, his eyes turning from green to a glowing gray color. A few stray papers floated after him, levitating by magic.

“People of Jamesport such as you, Signorina Paige, are always over polite. There is no need to apologize to me. Besides, someone needs to make sure I’m still alive down here! And Tigris, do not touch that unless you wish to be the mother of a baby griffon.” Luciano said without turning around to look at her. Tigris sheepishly backed away from the large brown egg placed on a metal stand.

“How did you”-

“How did I know what you were going to do? I’m a wizard, child. I have eyes on the back of my head.” He answered as seriously as possible. Paige laughed after seeing the younger girl’s bewildered expression.

“Just where is Signore Drakon?” Luciano asked, having finished clearing the table. “It is not like him to be late.” Tigris sat down on a stool, drumming her fingers on the table as she waited.

“He has knight training today, maybe he forgot like Paige did?” Paige blushed and gave Tigris a stern look.

“Have you completely forgotten your manners today, Miss Tigris?” She asked, frustration seeping into her voice. The Princess stuck her tongue out at her and Paige sighed. “I’ll take that as a yes, then. I’m sure Master Drakon will be here in a moment.” The study door forcefully met the wall a second time as Drakon rushed in.

“Maybe I should just invest in a curtain for the doorframe…” Luciano mumbled. Drakon was dressed in a dark violet tunic and indigo pants along with a pair of sandals. A circlet like Tigris’s sat on his head, flattening his shoulder length hair that usually stuck up a little on the top and in the back. His uncut bangs hung in front of his eyes, partially obscuring them from view. Not that it mattered anyway, for he was looking down at the wooden floor as if memorizing the cracks in it would ease his embarrassment.

“Uh, I apologize for being tardy, Mister Luciano. I um…took a shower and may have…lost track of time…” He trailed off, making a failing attempt to not blush. Luciano smiled; the contrast between Tigris’s extroverted behavior and her older brother’s more reserved personality amused him.

“It is fine, I assure you. I am just glad you have decided to join us today nonetheless, Prince Drakon.” He nodded quickly and sat down next to his sister without another word. Luciano stood in front of a rolling blackboard and cleared his throat. “Today, we’re reviewing the basics of magic, what it is, how it’s made, and the many forms it manifests as.” His attention turned to Paige. “I know I’ve asked before, but it is never too late to start. Are you sure you don’t want to use magic? I could unlock it right now if-”

“I’m quite sure of myself, ” She rejected. “A lady-in-waiting wouldn’t know what to do with magic anyway. Continue on with the lesson, ” Paige leaned against a wall in the back of the room. The wizard shrugged.

“If you insist.” He couldn’t really comprehend why a person wouldn’t want magic, but it wasn’t really his business.
"Only women and cats are allowed inside my armor!"

 48 De Marquis, Tue, 9th Apr '13 9:37:40 AM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
Not bad. The POV character for this scene, which appears to be the elderly wizard, if fairly generic, nothing unique stands out about him, being rather your standard issue magical tutor. Nevertheless, I dont see any obvious problems. I could use some more internal reaction to the three other characters, esp. Drakon. It would be a good opportunity to clue the reader into some aspects of the three children's personalities in the eyes of another person. At the same time, you might try to think of a way to use the wizards reactions to the three other characters to say something about him. Does he like younger people? Why or why not? That sort of thing.

It's pretty well written so far, good luck with it.
“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
 49 Scorpio Rat, Tue, 9th Apr '13 9:49:39 AM from Houston, Texas Relationship Status: One Is The Loneliest Number
When horoscopes go wrong
Thank you. grin
"Only women and cats are allowed inside my armor!"

 50 Morwen Edhelwen, Wed, 19th Jun '13 1:34:07 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
Here's a passage from Fafnir's Bane, my steampunk post-apocalyptic take on the Volsunga Saga. In here, the protagonist is fifteen but remembering something that happened when he was three.

I got up and dashed out of there into the second-largest room at the back. My bedroom. It’s the fifth and last room in the house, with a shelf for all my stuff and a lamp on the wall next to my bed and table and chairs. I sat down on the chair after taking my pencil case and my workbooks, notebooks, and textbooks labeled with my name off the shelf. I’m tall enough to reach it, even if it’s inches above the bed. On one wall there’s a number of baby pictures of me; mostly of me in a cradle and playing with toys Regin had made, and one of Regin holding me. I was wrapped in a white blanket and sucking on a sugar tit, a pacifier that’s basically a lump of sugar tied up in a rag. Lóni, one of the women, must have taken it. He made a chest for the toys and moved it against the wall, under the pictures. A piece of black string attached to a bronze horn trailed down to the floor.

The horn had been a birthday present when I was three. He watched me looking at something on TV and called my name. Then he called me again and I toddled closer. “Your birthday’s coming up in two months. You’re going to be big. Three years old. What do you want for a present?”

“A horn.” I said.

“Alright. I’ll make you one.’’ On the day, I found a little package on the table after breakfast. I ripped off the tape and wrapping paper and found a small horn carved from bronze hanging on a black rope at the end. I put my mouth into the hollow bit and blew hard, sending a few loud blasts through the room. “Ah, guess I don’t need to ask whether you like it.”

I pulled the rope over my head, wearing the horn on my neck.

“Try it when I’m in another room.” he suggested.

“Why?” I didn’t mind him leaving me alone. But how come he couldn’t watch me play it in the kitchen?

“To see if it works properly.”

“Why?”

“Because things don’t always work, Sigurd.”

“Why don’t they always work?”

“People make mistakes.” His voice was strained. “Just do what old Regin wants you to. Play your horn again where I can’t see you.”

“Okay.” He opened the door, closing it as he walked down the corridor. I lifted it up and blew softly. Then he came back in. “This horn will help me find you if you get lost.” he told me. “I won’t have to keep calling you.”

“It’s fun.” I said. “Look, I can make it sound different.” I started playing a number of low notes, then some high ones. “See?”

“Yes, I see. Keep it on your neck. Don’t take it off.”

“Why?”

“It’ll stop you losing it. I worked very hard to make it for you and it will take me a long time to make another one. If you don’t have it on I mightn’t be able to find you.”

For the last few minutes I worked through all my homework, starting on my essay that he’d given me. It was about the components of a blacksmith’s forge. I’d just finished the first paragraph, when something made me look up at the window. I put aside my homework.

The air felt kind of cold. There was a nuthatch on my windowsill. Chills suddenly ran down my spine. It had blue-grey feathers, a yellow body and beady eyes. And it was looking at me. It looked as it wanted to tell me something, but I couldn't understand what it. I picked up my pencil again and went back to my work, but then dropped it. What’s the use? That bird spooked me out so much I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. There’s no point doing work if you can’t concentrate.

edited 19th Jun '13 1:41:33 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Total posts: 52
 1
2
3


TV Tropes by TV Tropes Foundation, LLC is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available from thestaff@tvtropes.org.
Privacy Policy