The Absolute Worst Romance and Sex Cliches in Fanfiction?

I'd like to know what's the bottom of the barrel as far as badly written romance in fanfiction is. I plan to write an over the top parody of such fanfics in different fandoms so I'd like to know for reference. Thanks.

I have bad news for you.

It's called Poe's Law.

Almost all porn. It is just... rant inducing. This is true in general, not just in fanfiction.

I'm aware of the trope, but certain tropes can only stretch so far before the willing suspension of disbelief snaps and they get the joke. I'm talking purple prose so thick you'll need a linguist's text book,, sexual descriptions so cartoony and or disturbing you can only laugh at them, and terms of affection so weird and out there there's no way it could have come from any sane mind. Come on, even the lowest fanfic writers no when to quit?

This blog should help you. Not all of the submissions are sex-related but a lot of them are.

mpreeeeeg...

edited 16th Nov '12 4:04:48 AM by Iaculus

I hate when characters say they've "always loved" someone. Like, as soon as the character laid their eyes on their love interest, Cupid decided "hey, what the fuck, she'll do" and struck.

Built romances are my thing.

I think the worst cliche in a Lemon is the apparent lack of one, since there's practically no plot to begin with.

lmao. That tumblr is amazing.

That one horuss-related story sounds like something straight out of Thirty Hs, with hroses and flaming things! :D

Weeping Cock (totally NSFW, as if the name wasn't a clue) is also good for hilariously bad fanfic sex scenes.

Anatomy failure isn't just common in fanfic but in doujinshi as well.

Case in point: Tsukino Jyogi.

I'M TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD!

Eeesh.

The most annoying one has to be characters who are canonically not in a relationship with one another starting the story suddenly in a relationship with one another, with no explanation whatsoever for how the relationship came into being or a flimsy one at best. AKA shipping for shipping's sake, even when it makes no narrative sense whatsoever.

This may not bother many people, in fact it may qualify as a nitpick. But it makes me want to track down the author and beat them to death with a fax machine!

Made even more maddening if one or both characters were already in a relationship with another character. And the shipping still isn't explained!

edited 16th Nov '12 8:45:39 AM by GameChainsaw

I don't read porn fics, so it's a shipping/romance grip in general, but when people start pairing off a character that's already in a long-term relationship in canon. I've already seen people ship their OC ponies with Shining Armor even though his introduction was during his wedding.

edited 27th Nov '12 6:25:02 PM by shoboni

Biting your lip, especially your lower lip, at every given opportunity. Always Female, for some reason.

There's also the "Not If They Enjoyed It" Rationalization, but that's hardly exclusive to fanfic.

You should include something along the lines of "He put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. I'M GETTING AN ERUCTATION FROM ALL THIS MASTICATING WITH SNAP AND LOOPIN. They're such preps!

Man is my jaw ever sore. Masticating is hard work.

Ridiculously large penises in fanfiction are always good for a laugh.

E.g. "OMG Big Mac had a 22 inch male member and it was super smexy LOL"

Well, Big Mac is a horse. So whilst you do have to seriously question the life decisions that led you into making fictional horse erotica, you at least didn't get the anatomy wrong.

Obi Wan: "You are not going to write horse porn."

Stormtrooper: "I am not going to write horse porn."

"You are going to go home and think about your life."

"I am going to go home and think about my life."

"You are going to give me the contents of your wallet."

"I am going to give you the contents of my wallet."

"You are now thinking of Hagrid and Jabba the Hut making out."

Stormtrooper and the Audience: D8)

(Dark side points gained.)

edited 17th Nov '12 4:03:12 AM by GameChainsaw

The weirdest crack pairing I've ever heard about was Professor Snape and the Teletubbies.

Thanks Cracked. I really wanted to have that information in my life.

Ok, I have been proven wrong. Fanfic really can desend into the lowest pits of filth and bad porn. Seriously, why pony porn, why? Little kids could see that!

I agree that it's pretty icky, but really, little kids can see anything on the internet. I'd hardly say that Think of the Children! is a good argument in this case.

(But really. Why would you want to write about candy-coloured cartoon horses having sex for anything other than comedy purposes? Aren't there plenty of other fictional characters that would be far more appropriate for that kind of scenario? lol)

I had a friend read that Snape/Teletubbies fiction to me and a couple friends once.

It was pretty nasty.

Candidate for Absolute Worst: Drunken Riku beating up sobbing uke Sora, then later apologizing with make out sex/promises to go into rehab.

Actually, any premise that involves Drunken *Insert character that doesn't drink* X Battered *insert character that can kick ass and defend themselves under normal, non-ooc circumstances*

edited 26th Nov '12 10:03:56 PM by vanishingreality