Joke thread

Morwen, you're aware you don't have to reply to every joke, right?

This should probably go in the puns thread (or nowhere, since it's terrible), but I don't want this post to be useless, so:

What did the turd say when it saw a truck barelling towards it?

Oh, shit.

edited 14th Sep '12 10:12:28 PM by Mukora

A married couple are in the hospital because the wife is giving birth. After several grueling hours of labor, the baby is out. The obstetrician cuts the cord and inspects the baby. He then bounces the baby off the ceiling, catches it by one leg, whirls it around like a set of nunchucks for a minute or two, all while the mother and father are watching in slack-jawed horror, and finally drop-kicks it out the window, into the parking lot. The mother finally collects herself long enough to ask, "What the hell did you just do to my baby?!"

The obstetrician replies, "Oh, don't worry. It was already dead."

edited 16th Jan '13 10:11:42 AM by ABNDT

In the church:

"Father, I heard some rumors that you are addicted to the internet..."

"My son... wtf, omg and 3 lolz! Who told you that? Tell me so I can delete them from facebook!"

I was debating whether to post that one myself, but you beat me to it.

@ABNDT: I need Brain Bleach... that's kind of funny in a morbid way.

So Peter Schmeichel, the Man United goalkeeper, was walking down the street one day, when he saw a burning building and some firefighters trying to coax a woman out of the 20th floor. But the woman wouldn't budge. Curious, he walked over.

"What's wrong?"

"The woman's got a baby, and we have to get her to toss it down to the safety net before we can get her out, but she won't do it!"

Schmeichel cracked his knuckles. "Don't worry. I'm Peter Schmeichel, Man United's goalkeeper. I'll catch the baby."

He went up to the foot of the burning building, and yelled, "Lady, drop the baby!"

"What are you, nuts?"

"Don't worry. I'm Peter Schmeichel, Man United's goalkeeper. I'll catch the baby." He adopted a crouching stance, ready to pounce.

The flames were getting closer, and seeing no other option, the woman dropped the baby. It fell 5 storeys... 10 storeys... 15 storeys...

At the last minute, Schmeichel sprang into the mother of all diving saves, and just barely scooped the baby up into his arms. The woman, the firefighters and the bystanders all broke into a cheer of relief.

And then he got up and punted the baby down the street.

Why do I find baby jokes oddly fascinating?

Here's two that I heard when I was ten (from a friend and from my mom) and have been using on everyone ever since:

1.How is a Mexican like a broken vending machine?

Neither work, but both take your money.

2. How is [insert name of female here] like a tampon?

They're both stuck up cunts.

edited 15th Sep '12 11:46:41 PM by CPFMfan

A priest and a nun were out golfing. The priest took a shot. It sailed wide, and into the water hazard.
He shouted, "Oh shit! I missed"
The nun was rather upset by this display of colorful speech, and responded, "Father, you really should watch your language."
"Fine," he responded. "I won't do it again."
However, later in the game, he hit another bad shot. This one sailed into the trees.
"Oh shit. I missed," he shouted again.
The nun was a bit more upset this time. "Father, I thought I told you not to say that word."
"I'm sorry," replied the priest. "It won't happen again. If it does, may the Lord strike me down on the spot."
However, he didn't keep his promise for long. His very next shot clipped a tree branch and bounced into a sand trap.
"Oh shit! I missed," he shouted even louder than before.
Suddenly the nun was struck by lightning.
A voice from heaven called out, "Oh shit! I missed!"

edited 16th Sep '12 12:08:22 AM by CompletelyNormalGuy

Those are kinda offensive.

@CNG: I love that.

edited 18th Sep '12 5:10:43 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A Higgs Boson walks into Church. The Priest comes up to it and says "we don't want you in here." Then the Higgs Boson fixes him with a look and asks "why? Without me you wouldn't have Mass."

"Mom, whats a Vampire?"

"never mind and eat your soup before it clots"

"Mom, whats a Werewolf?"

"never mind and comb your face"

"Mom, I'm 16 years old, don't you think it's time I start wearing bras??"

"never mind George"

Alexander said to his mother: "Mom, I don't want to go to school today. The kids all pick on me and the teachers don't like me." His mother said Firstly, you're twenty-five, and secondly, you're the principal.

"My brother drives like lightning." "Really fast, eh?" "No, he hits trees."

"My brother's been practising the violin."

"Really? Is he any good?"

"No, it took him three years to figure out he wasn't supposed to blow!"

Why can't you tell a blonde a knock-knock joke?

Because every time you say "Knock-knock", she goes to answer the door.

There was a man arrested after being struck by lightning. He's facing a battery charge.

Why did the computer fall in love with the teacher?

Because he was her type.

"I am god's gift to man."

[ "A stress doll? How considerate of him!"

The "Shit Our Teachers Say" thread brought this one to mind, because my high school Social Studies teacher told it to the class for some reason:

A married couple have just moved into a house by the beach. The wife insists on having a big expensive housewarming party in order to impress the neighbors. The husband is put in charge of gathering food and refreshments - when the day of the party comes, everything is all ready, but the wife notices there's no escargot. She's furious about this, and since there's no place around to get it on such short notice, she sends the husband out with a bucket to gather snails from the beach, telling him not to come back until the bucket is full.

So the man walks down the beach, gathering snails, until the bucket is nearly full - he's in an unfamiliar part of the beach, so he figures it's time to start heading back. Then he notices this beautiful woman out sunbathing in the nude. He works up the nerve to talk to her, and before you know it, he's in bed with her.

He wakes up next to her while it's still dark out and realizes he's in a lot of trouble - it's nearly 3 in the morning and of course the party is long over. All he can think to do is rush out with his snail bucket, try to get home before his wife wakes up, and think of some kind of explanation for his absence on the way back.

After a long walk, he finally finds his way home. He very quietly opens the door and starts walking up the stairs to the bedroom. Suddenly, as he's nearing the top step, the bathroom door squeaks open and his wife comes out. Startled, he drops the bucket and the snails fall all over the stairs.

His wife is standing there silently glaring at him. Thinking quickly, he turns away from her and calls out "C'mon guys, we're almost there!"

edited 12th Dec '12 11:29:18 AM by MikeK

I may have already posted this one, so feel free to throw things at me if I'm repeating myself.

All the action movie stars were going to the classical music convention, and they decided to cosplay as their favorite composers.
Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll go as Beethoven. I love his symphonies."
Vin Diesel said, "I'll go as Wagner. My D&D group uses him for battle music all the time."
Ahnold said, "I'll be Bach."

@CNG: Ha ha ha

"Mom! I got a bruise on my leg"

"Never mind and eat around it"

"Mom! I don't want to go on vacation"

"Never mind and keep swimming"

"Mom! why can't we give granny a proper burial?"

"Never mind and just keep flushing"

What is the red stuff in between sharks teeth?

Slow swimmers

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with Diarrhea

whewww.. dead baby humour much?