Joke thread

I poured spot remover on my dog.

Now he's gone.

So, three Nazis walked into a BAR...

My wife insists that she's still only 35 years old. I can't prove her actual age because her birth certificate was stored at the old City Hall, which burned down 50 years ago.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

Anne had a Will, so Anne Hathaway.

Jokes about nitrogen, oxygen, argon, carbon dioxide, and what-have-you tend to change the atmosphere.

Girls are like Blackjack. I keep trying to go for 21, but I always hit on 14.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Owl kill you if you tell me you don't give a hoot about this joke.

Edited by StarAndroidJaguar on Jul 2nd 2018 at 9:39:14 AM

A pencil with no lead is pointless.

When Schrödinger died the priest refused to bury the coffin until someone collapsed the wave form.

One time, I was at the beach, fishing. Which proved difficult, because the lighthouse doesn't have WiFi.

I recently remembered one of my favorite jokes from Svengoolie.

In the movie he showed, there was this guy who decided to take up his deceased father's devil-worshiping cult leader legacy. His eyes turned an eerie shade of green as a sign that he was getting corrupted by the demonic magic he began practicing. When his girlfriend saw it, she understandably freaked out and ran for her life, but he cast a mind control spell on her before she could leave. Then she turned to him and said in a hypnotized voice "I'm sorry, <somebody>. I'm sorry." Then Svengoolie showed up and said "I'd apologize too if I replaced his contact lens solution with Mountain Dew."

A rich old man was about to die. He told his wife to put his gold in a chest in the attic, so he could get it on his way to heaven. He died, and a week later his wife goes up to the attic, the gold is still there. "His loss." she says to herself as she takes the chest downstairs, "I told him he should've put it in the cellar."

And now, the Samuel L Jackson tribute to Abbott and Costello

Why are false idealists so bad-tempered? They see red all the time.^note Rose red, like the tint of their glasses.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

How many dudebros does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question - they're still using gaslighting.

oh, shit

Robin Hood threw a party with his Merry Men in Sherwood Forest, and Friar Tuck had a little too much to drink. Now, the good Friar is a happy drunk, so he started singing. Unfortunately, he's also a bit tone deaf, so he sang loud and out of key. At first it was merely annoying, but after a while Robin realized that he was singing loud enough that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear him and find all the Merry Men. He realized he had to do something. He grabbed Friar Tuck by the collar and dragged him down to the river. He hoped the cold river water would be enough to cause the friar to lose his voice. He threw Tuck in the river, but he merely jumped back out and kept singing just as loud. The moral of the story: You can lead a drunk to water, but you can't make him hoarse.

Why was the kid disappointed when he didn't get to see the new pirate movie?

Because it was rated Arrgh!

Overheard:

"Horse racing is a very romantic sport;

The jockey cuddles with his horse,

The horse hugs the rail,

and you kiss your money goodbye!"

Jonestown Kool-Aid is to die for!

War is 99% killing time and 1% killing time.

Knowledge is knowing that tomatoes are fruit. Wisdom is not putting them in a fruit salad.

Edited by Aaymeirah on Oct 9th 2018 at 4:48:09 AM

What do you get when you combine Sleeping Beauty with a vampire?

Tired blood.

Knock knock!

"Who's there?"

The police! Open up!

"But I'm taking a shit!"

We know, sir! The phone booth has glass walls!