Joke thread

There was a kid called Johnny. One day Johnny and his family went to his grandmother's house to have lunch. As soon as the food was served, Johnny began eating.

"Johnny! What are you doing?" his father asked. "you know we always pray before we eat."

"Well, yeah," said Johnny, "but Mum's usually the one who cooks the food. Grandma cooked this, so we don't need to pray!"

edited 31st Oct '16 4:49:39 PM by Owlivia

I don't get it. Is it a reference to something?

I think the joke is that the mom is a terrible cook.

Oh, right. Can't believe I missed it.

Confucius say: man who smokes marijuana at poker table pot-committed.

Confucius say: Fish don't go to school; they go as school.

Why did the anti-social chemist coat his front door with iso-octane?

To reduce the knocking

I once told a joke so offensive that the sun went and buggered off.

...well, that got dark.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squat

edited 12th Nov '16 9:00:20 PM by Demetrios

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi were fishing in the middle of a lake one day. Unfortunately, they all forgot their thermoses on the dock, and so they became thirsty after some time. The priest says...

"Stay here, and watch the lines for us. I'll get my drink." He then gets off the boat, walks on the water, climbs onto the dock, gets his thermos, and comes back the way he came. The monk says, "I shall retrieve my drink now".

The monk gets off the boat, walks on the water as the priest did, climbs onto the dock, gets his drink, and comes back. At this point, the rabbi goes, "Finally, it's my turn!". He gets off the boat and swims to the dock.

After a few more minutes, the priest turns to the monk and says, "We probably should have told him where the rocks are."

Do you know how to tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

Neither does our new nurse.

I actually do know the difference. It's the taste.

I've heard that there's a mistake in the dictionary. It's the only place where "Success" comes before "Work"

I'm not so certain about that assessment, however. It still comes after both "Knowing" and "Someone"

My dog is such a bitch.

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand hexadecimal... and "f" the rest!

Of course, most of you are probably thinking "NOBODY SAID THERE'D BE MATH!!"

two female friends are talking when one says "hey, have you ever heard of the Bechdel Test?"

the other one responds "oh yeah! my boyfriend told me about it the other day!"

That's a good one.

A microbrew connoisseur walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender, "Give me your finest pumpkin ale, but make sure it's not too hoppy." So the bartender takes out a baseball bat and beats him senseless while everyone cheers.

Bacon: I've heard a form of that where a farmer says to another "That bitch of yours is a real hound but that hound of yours is a real bitch." The interesting thing is that it was in Scottish Gaelic. It's an interesting case of words retaining their polysemy across languages.

Two muffins are sitting in the oven baking together. One of them asks "What's up?" The other responds "Holy shit, a talking muffin!".

edited 1st Dec '16 12:10:59 AM by aNinjaWithAIDS

This one's probably cropped up before, but...

Anyway, there's this cute wee bunny rabbit that walks into the Saracen Head pub in Glasgow (real place, look it up - caution HEAVILY Glasgow Celtic centered), one fine day, rocks up to the bar, hops up on a stool and asks the barman,

"Hey, mate, could you give me two ham and cheese toasties and a pint of lager, please?"

Now this being Glasgow, the barman doesn't bat an eyelash at seeing a talking rabbit wanting some toasties and a beer, and simply replies,

"No problem, pal, that'll be seven pounds fifty. Here's your lager just now. Your toasties will be a few minutes, okay?"

Rabbit says,

"No problem!", pays the barman, and starts sipping his pint. Eventually he gets his toasties, washes them down with what's left of his pint and hops off out the pub door, quite happy.

A routine then starts with the rabbit coming back every week around the same time, making the same order and everything's working out fine until one fateful day when the rabbit decides to switch things up a bit.

"Hey pal, could you make me some toasties again, only this time make one of them a ham and onion toastie instead of the ham and cheese?"

Barman flinches and asks the rabbit if he's sure, as he's heard that's not a good idea. Rabbit says yes, and gets his order a short while later. Barman isn't happy but he's tried.

"Cheers Mate!" says the rabbit, finishing off the last of his ham and onion toastie, with the last of his beer. Hops off of the bar stool, gets about four more feet and drops down dead on the spot.

Barman's response?

I tried to tell him. That's what you get for mixing my toasties.

Note One: Toasties - http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipes/tag-2840/toastie-recipes.aspx

Note Two: Hope there aren't any rabbit lovers in the room this evening.

...I don't get it.

British gallows humour.

It rips the piss out of this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis

Today I met a cute girl from South Africa, and we ended up talking for hours! She clicked with me.

If you remove the angel statues from a fountain, does that make it a sans seraph font?