Joke thread

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

A man is out fishing in a large lake when suddenly a massive storm tears up his boat and leaves him stranded out in the middle of the water with no life jacket; his time is running out.

After he's been treading water for nearly two hours and is about to pass out, a boat comes along and the man aboard offers to rescue him. The drowning man, deeply religious, refuses, saying "God will save me."

Half an hour later the man is at the brink, and a rowing team comes along. They too offer him rescue. He once again refuses: "God will save me."

The man is at death's door, merely floating in the water, when a third boat comes along. He once again refuses to be rescued, claiming all the while that God will save him.

The man finally drowns, and enters Heaven, where he sees God. Angry, he walks up to the Holy Throne and asks God: "Why didn't You save me?"

God simply looks at him incredulously, and says, "I sent you three boats. What more do want?!"

Okay, a few I've heard over the years. —-

• How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  • two. One to screw in the bulb and one to scream about how it was lit when the screwing started.
• How many Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  • change?
• What's the difference between an engineering major and a piece of pipe?
  • the piece of pipe eventually gets laid.

A 911 operator gets a call from a blond girl late at night. "You have to help me," she says, "My husband's dead!"

The operator responds, "Calm down, ma'am. First make certain he's actually dead."

"okay!" the woman says. Several seconds later there is a gunshot, then the woman comes back on the phone.

"All right, I'm sure. Now what?"

• Why did Facebook go public?
  • they couldn't figure out the privacy settings either.

• What is the difference between Communism and Capitalism?
  • In Communism, one man oppresses another man. In Capitalism it's the other way around.

• Why are women's tits like electric train sets?
  • they're intended for children, but it's always the fathers who play with them.

edited 14th Aug '12 5:34:40 PM by drunkscriblerian

A cat is sitting in the branches of a tree near a river out in the forest. Buzzing over the water is a fly. The cat is waiting for the fly to fly down closer to the water, so that a fish will leap out and eat the fly, so that a bear standing near the river will grab the fish, so that a hunter across the river will shoot the bear, so that a cheese sandwich will fall out of the hunter's pocket, so that a mouse hiding nearby will run out to get the sandwich, so that the cat can pounce down and eat the mouse.

The fly flies down to the river...

The fish jumps up to eat the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The sandwich falls out of the hunter's pocket...

The mouse runs to the sandwich...

The cat leaps out of the tree...

...completely overshoots the mouse, and splashes down in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

When the fly drops, the pussy gets wet.

I have this one on the brain for some reason (probably because I'm writing a novel about the Cuban Revolution)

Fidel Castro's just taken over Cuba. At a rally he addresses a group of members of M-26-7 and asks, "Are there any economists here?"

No one answers, except for Che Guevara, who raises his hand and gets the position of President of the National Bank.

Fidel says, "But you're not an economist!"

"I thought you said "communist!"

edited 14th Aug '12 7:40:42 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

What did the chocolate chip cookie say when it was hospitalised?

That's the way the cookie crumbles!

edited 15th Aug '12 11:26:19 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

What did one biscuit say when the other was run over?

"Crumbs!"

Alternate ending: Nothing, it's a biscuit.

I suppose this one is a bit outdated but...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken may or may not have gained a superinjuction, and therefore, it has or has not crossed a road.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it has to want to change.

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?

None! My grandfather put that bulb there and I'll be darned if it gets replaced!

There's two men sitting an old pub, drinking.

The pub door opens and a horse walks in. It climbs up the wall next to the door, crawls along the wooden beams on the ceiling, climbs down again next to the bar and seats itself on a barstool. The landlord comes over to the horse and the horse orders a pint of bitter.
After finishing its beer, the horse pays up, climbs back up the wall, along the ceiling, down again and walks out of the door.

One of the two men turns to the other. "That's got to be the weirdest thing I've ever seen", he says.
"I know", the other replies, "I've only ever seen him drink lager."

edited 15th Aug '12 2:04:54 PM by Catfish42

@catfish42: ha ha ha.

Reminds me of this:

A panda walks into a restaurant. It orders a meal and sits down. After it's done, it fires a gun into the air and starts to walk out the door. A waiter says, "Why are you doing that?"

It says, "I'm a panda. Look in the dictionary."

The waiter looks in the dictionary and finds this: "Panda. Noun. A species of bear native to China, Eats, shoots, and leaves.''

edited 15th Aug '12 11:17:55 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

Little Tommy was terrible at math. His parents tried everything to help him learn — they tried edutainment programs, flashcards, even hired him a tutor, but none of it seemed to work. Finally, in desperation, they decided to enroll him in the local Catholic school.

When Tommy's mom came to pick him up from his first day at school, he said nothing. He didn't even kiss his mom hello. Instead, he went straight up to his room and started hitting the books.

On the second day of school, his mom tried to ask him how his day was, but he again ignored her and went upstairs to study, just as hard as the previous day. Now, this continued for a week or two until little Tommy's class had their first math quiz. To his parents' astonishment, he got an A. But he didn't stop to celebrate, he merely went upstairs to his room and continued studying.

Unable to contain her curiosity, Tommy's mom went up to talk to him.

"Was it the uniforms?" she asked. Tommy shook his head.

"Well, was it the discipline? The food? Something in the air? Whaaaaaat was it?!"

Little Tommy gave his mom a serious look and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... ha...

edited 16th Aug '12 3:54:36 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

Awesome!

A married couple go to a restaurant. The man orders baked potatoes. As he's about to bite one, he calls the waitress over and says , "This potato is bad."

The waitress picks up the potato, hits it and puts it back on the plate.

"Now, if that potato gives you any more trouble, you just let me know."

edited 17th Aug '12 8:19:44 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

Which day of the week do fish hate?

Fry-day!

Speaking of which, a food critic once visited a monastery famed for its fish and chips. He went to a monk in the kitchen and asked, "Are you the fish friar?"

The brother replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."

What's a nosy pepper do?

Get jalapeno business.

A guy walks into a bar...

...The Aristocrats!

edited 16th Aug '12 1:04:56 PM by MasterInferno

It's National Tell a Joke Day in the US, by the way. Or at least it will be for the next few hours. Therefore, I shall tell my favorite joke:

These three guys show up at the gates of Heaven, and Peter stops them.

"Sorry," he says, "but the waiting room is pretty crowded today, so we can only let in the people who've had really horrible deaths. The rest will have to wait in Purgatory for a few days." He turns to the first guy. "How did you die?" he asks.

"Well," the first guy begins, "I lived on the tenth floor of my apartment building, and I've suspected my wife of cheating on me for a while now, so today I came home from work early, hoping to catch her in the act. But when I got there, there was no sign of my wife or another man...until I went out onto the balcony, where a guy was hanging from the rail, begging me to pull him up. Of course, that wasn't happening. I pried his fingers off the rail and he fell ten stories, but when he hit the ground I saw he was still alive. I was so enraged, I pushed my refrigerator out of the apartment and off the balcony, and that killed him. But all of the sudden, I had a heart attack from all the stress, and here I am."

"Wow," says Peter, "that's pretty bad. You can go in." He turns the next guy, asking how he died.

The second guy says, "I lived on the eleventh story of my apartment building, and I always did my exercises out on my balcony. Well, today I got adventurous and tried to do a few backflips, but I ended up falling off my balcony. Luckily, I caught myself on the next one below me, but when I cried for help the guy threw me off! I fell ten stories, and then he pushed a fridge on top of me, and now here I am."

"That's pretty horrible too," says Peter. "Go ahead." Then he turns to the third guy. "How did you die?"

The third guy responds:

"Well, I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

edited 16th Aug '12 6:35:08 PM by BrainSewage

@Brain Sewage and @Pyrite: ha ha ha

edited 17th Aug '12 5:03:14 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

Johnny was talking to his mother about his friend.

His mother asks, "Johnny, why don't you play tennis with Simon anymore?"

"Mum, would you play with someone who always lied about the score?"

"Of course not."

"Well, neither would Simon!"

edited 17th Aug '12 8:17:00 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

"Dad, I'm homesick."

"But this is your home.''

"I know. I'm sick of it."

edited 18th Aug '12 10:26:57 PM by MorwenEdhelwen