Joke thread

Alternate ending: Both live because the bartender is responsible enough to not serve people hydrogen peroxide.

Two men walk into a bar.

The first one orders H₂O.

The other man says, "I'll have H₂O, too."

The second man dies.

Just posted that one earlier today. It's making the rounds on Facebook right now, so we probably got it from the same place.

I fscking love science? :P

Yes indeed.

A princess, a ninja, and a pirate walk into a bar.

They must be in pain.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A blind woman walks into a bar.

And a table.

And a chair.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Perfectly unscathed.

American Idol.

edited 28th May '13 8:25:37 AM by Jigaboo

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a stable.

Got this one from Rifftrax:

"You know, I once read a book about water. I found it a little dry."

A ghost tries walking into a bar, but it just passes through.

A man is telling a joke to a woman.

M: What did the wave say to the other wave?

W: What?

M: Nothing, it just waved. Did you sea what I did there? I'm shore you did.

W: That joke was a little salty.

The man is just upset because salmon else can pun.

An Irishman walks into a bar. The next day, the bar closes due to being out of stock.

I write a fanfic. It isn't full of smut. Or Attack on Titan references.

Dubstep is very popular among internet nerds.

Found this on Tumblr:

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal there is a dog. It's a shitzu.

Something I heard on another site:

What do you call an introverted capitalist? An anti-socialist.

Neon walks into a bar. There's no reaction.

Tom, Dick and Harry are three good friends. They like to go to the pub together, to chat and laugh and drink beer. Harry is somewhat more of a nerd, and more shy, than Tom and Dick. But he gets along with them just fine.

One night, Tom and Dick both have to leave early, but Harry decides to stay a little longer. He's had enough beer to forget his usual shyness. He approaches a woman named Jane, strikes up a conversation with her, and suddenly, Harry is on fire. He makes all the right moves, says all the right lines, and is generally a smooth, charming sunuvabitch. Jane finds him irresistible, and when Harry suggests they go back to his place, she doesn't hesitate a moment. He takes her home and they have earth-shattering sex.

The next time he goes drinking with Tom and Dick, Tom asks, 'So what happened that night, after we left?'

Harry deadpans, 'Vidi, vici, veni.'

'My Latin is a little rusty,' Dick says, 'What does that mean again?'

Harry grins broadly and says, 'I saw, I conquered, I came.'

(Okay, Google tells me this joke already exists in several places on the Internet, but I swear to God I came up with it independently).

Not mine:

Why doesn't George RR Martin use Twitter?

He killed off all 140 characters.